**sigh**
Maybe I'm making things worse in my mind than they really are. I just know that I would not be feeling like this if the Zoloft was working. It is hard to tell how I really feel and how I have felt in the past. I read some things about bipolar II and cyclothymia and they really resonated with how I feel sometimes. Maybe I have mixed states? I feel all wound up and irritable and want to cry at the same time. I wish I could distract myself from this, the only thing that seems to keep my "mind off my mind" is TV. But I really can't just lay around eating and watching Bones for the whole summer. Already did that last summer. It seems kind of like my cycles have changed, normally I feel normal to great in the spring and summer, but now everthing is just so muddled up I don't know what I feel. Am I depressed? Am I anxious? Am I hypomanic? Am I just a drama queen? I don't even trust my own thoughts or feelings. I am driving myself nuts over this. I need to calm the fuck down and try to be rationa;, but it is so hard to be rational in your own head when your head is the problem. I just know that there were brief periods over the last year that I felt fantastic, like I really could be this new person and I had all these qualities I always wanted to have, it was as simple as acting on them. But I am feeling pretty miserable right now, like I lost my chance to be that person. But it makes me so ANGRY to think that I am letting myself be this way again. I just want to fucking SCREAAMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to take it out on someone, just yell and hit and tear someone to pieces so they can feel s bad as I feel. Not anyone in particular, just someone. But I know I will not do that because I still have enough self-control to keep all of this buried inside (yeah, I know, real healthy).
So I just took half a Klonopin and hopefully that will help. I just don't want to drug myself with those all the time. I wish I could really get out what I feel liek, out loud to an actual person. But I don't even know how to describe it in words, and I feel like someone would have to pry it out of me at this point. I just hope that I like this dr and he can figure it out. I am worried that I will try to lead him to a diagnosis by not telling him all the right things/symptoms since I don't even know what is real anymore
So I just took half a Klonopin and hopefully that will help. I just don't want to drug myself with those all the time. I wish I could really get out what I feel liek, out loud to an actual person. But I don't even know how to describe it in words, and I feel like someone would have to pry it out of me at this point. I just hope that I like this dr and he can figure it out. I am worried that I will try to lead him to a diagnosis by not telling him all the right things/symptoms since I don't even know what is real anymore