(no subject)
The thing that is so hard is not knowing the terms for what I am feeling. I feel shitty. But I also just don't give a fuck. I am trying everything I can to get my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP! but it's just not working. 1.5 clonopin, several beers, etc. I've felt this way before, but never really though about it. Like I thought this was just the natural way things go for me. I knew it wasn't how other people were, but it was me. It's almost 1 am and I am wired. I have not had any cafeinne besides an excedrin several hours ago.
The weirdest ting is at times feeling like this is ME but at other times it seems hazy and confused. I wish I could just keep an updated journal. I can see why getting a diagnosis is so difficult. Sometimes I feel so dark and bleak and cold. Other times I am passionate and vocal. Other times I just want to disappear, sleep for days and pretend the rest of the worl doesn't exist. I just know that is not how poeple who are healthy feel. And I mean what the fuck am I so worried about? I am what I am. I have always been this way. Either someone will have an answer or not. I'm young, I'll get it figured out. I do honestly have a lot of plans. They might not be unreasonable, but maybe I am thinking they will get done in an unreasonable amount of time.