Relearning Narcissism
I have lost the knack for writing about myself and my life, which I need to regain in the name of a $1000 scholarship to cover childcare costs this semester.
I've come to the point where I'm feeling like it really doesn't matter if I share, because it's not really interesting. It's just life and it just ticks along (give or take a few moments of excitement outbursts).
But here's a good place to relearn, especially since nobody is around.
The essay is only 500 words. That's really not a lot. It's less of a personal narrative and more a smattering of facts. I this, I that, me me me.
Which is hard to feel inspired by, because life has became more about the kids, the family, taking care of my widow father, restoring a horder's house back into what I may fondly look upon and say "my childhood home", where I've punched out the walls and tore out the memories and rewrote a new story, one that did not involve a drop out run away with nebulous mental health issues. Undiagnosed, of course, because they're not always here with me, and when they are here, it's more like a reality shift that could not have a label pressed upon it.
I had the opportunity to say "because of my GPA" the other day, and the words were so heavy and numb, dropping into the air like a stranger said them.
Because of my GPA, I'm able to attend a prestigious school that looks like a castle.
September 2 is shooting toward me, a speeding bullet.
I know it will be a time of transformation, and I say, BRING IT.
I'm ready.
I need to somehow grow a pair very very soon and quit work so I can fully immerse myself into school. I have another weekend job (unfortunately at the place where we spent our last Christmas together with my mom--so that's also heavy) and it should be enough to cover the cost of daycare if I don't get this scholarship.
Things work out in the end, but I don't want to find that out the hard way.
Frankly, I'm sick of scraping by. I know, wrong thing for a student to say. But I'll be saying it for another 5 years (and that's if everything goes to plan and I do get into the Doctorate program 2 years from now). And then finally finally one day I won't be borrowing to pay for groceries. At least we're beyond the Stealing Toilet Paper phase of our life.
I've come to the point where I'm feeling like it really doesn't matter if I share, because it's not really interesting. It's just life and it just ticks along (give or take a few moments of excitement outbursts).
But here's a good place to relearn, especially since nobody is around.
The essay is only 500 words. That's really not a lot. It's less of a personal narrative and more a smattering of facts. I this, I that, me me me.
Which is hard to feel inspired by, because life has became more about the kids, the family, taking care of my widow father, restoring a horder's house back into what I may fondly look upon and say "my childhood home", where I've punched out the walls and tore out the memories and rewrote a new story, one that did not involve a drop out run away with nebulous mental health issues. Undiagnosed, of course, because they're not always here with me, and when they are here, it's more like a reality shift that could not have a label pressed upon it.
I had the opportunity to say "because of my GPA" the other day, and the words were so heavy and numb, dropping into the air like a stranger said them.
Because of my GPA, I'm able to attend a prestigious school that looks like a castle.
September 2 is shooting toward me, a speeding bullet.
I know it will be a time of transformation, and I say, BRING IT.
I'm ready.
I need to somehow grow a pair very very soon and quit work so I can fully immerse myself into school. I have another weekend job (unfortunately at the place where we spent our last Christmas together with my mom--so that's also heavy) and it should be enough to cover the cost of daycare if I don't get this scholarship.
Things work out in the end, but I don't want to find that out the hard way.
Frankly, I'm sick of scraping by. I know, wrong thing for a student to say. But I'll be saying it for another 5 years (and that's if everything goes to plan and I do get into the Doctorate program 2 years from now). And then finally finally one day I won't be borrowing to pay for groceries. At least we're beyond the Stealing Toilet Paper phase of our life.