I just ran out of bullshit
Careful reflection indicates there are various reasons why I shouldn't update livejournal, or have one anymore. Since the beginning, this began as a vanity project. Most of my life I have felt ignored, and my response to counteract that has been to shout. And shout loudly. As I said before, from 2001-2011 I sort of used Dark Side of the Moon as my mantra, my starting and ending point for anything. Clearly, basing your life on a record from the 1970s that talks of the horrors of modern society, with focuses on death, money, war, and mental illness is not healthy. Not at all. Yet because it was a product of a decade that has long since been an obsession of mine, and because I was not healthy, it made sense. To sum up that theme, one of the most important lyrics would be: you shout and no one seems to hear .
In essence, I was and still am rather selfish. In fact, writing about being selfish is in itself selfish, but that is the reality that defined my life. Of course, Pink Floyd did more than one album, and the other equally defining moment was when I first heard The Wall in 2002 and devoted myself to the construction of one myself, thus purposefully and willfully cutting myself off from people.
In relation to one of my newer focal points in life --sobriety and AA --I must say that from 2003-recently I would only build bridges with the hopes of burning them. My mind, like the very society I criticize, has never focused on long term projects. I am selfish and naive; I want everything. now. now. now. Yet as the saying goes, "Rome wasn't built in a day." A city such as Rome cannot be built, either, if for each step forward you take two or even three backward. My life was based on losing propositions because I thought I was a losing proposition.
In the past 14 months, I have learned a few facts about myself. Some of them have been rather inspiring and moving; I'm not as bad as I think I am. Even though I remain reticent to claim such a title, I am smart and educated --but that only goes so far. While the ability to read a book is important, what does it matter if you can't relate that knowledge to another human being?
I don't really recall much of life before 2001. This isn't to say I do not have memories, but it seems a foggy haze. That was an important rationale for starting to journal regularly in 2000. I do not joke when I say that I struggle to remember the events of even a few hours ago. This is quite troubling, but very much so related to one of the facts I learned about myself --I have bad disassociative issues. In the parlance of those around me, I am frequently "on autopilot." My emotions are cut off, strangled, just like I was from everyone else for so long.
The real moral, and the reality is that the alcohol really was a symptom. The bipolar, the SAD, the anxiety, the disassociation, the psychosis, are more issues that require a bit more digging. Yet the more I strive to get to the center, the more I am finding what I knew was there all along but was in extreme denial about --it's all fear.
Why am I so afraid? Clearly, the most obvious and "easiest" ways to achieve this are to do something different. Or, more boldly, to confront the fear. To continue the musical relations, and to really drive a point home, The Smiths got this right --"Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things you'd like to, so If there's something you'd like to try, if there's something you'd like to try, ask me I won't say no how could I?"
What I have truly uncovered is that I am lazy and selfish. This is not a justification in any sense. Rather, I am seeking still to understand myself. But that in itself is not an adequate response. In fact, that is part of the wrongheaded-ness of myself that I am seeking to overcome.
This time, The Beatles are worth noting : I Me Mine. This has got to stop. I must shut up and stop whining and shouting if I am ever to know anything different.
So, today, I ask myself --what I am doing to help you? How are my actions affecting you? How can I better understand you?
In essence, I was and still am rather selfish. In fact, writing about being selfish is in itself selfish, but that is the reality that defined my life. Of course, Pink Floyd did more than one album, and the other equally defining moment was when I first heard The Wall in 2002 and devoted myself to the construction of one myself, thus purposefully and willfully cutting myself off from people.
In relation to one of my newer focal points in life --sobriety and AA --I must say that from 2003-recently I would only build bridges with the hopes of burning them. My mind, like the very society I criticize, has never focused on long term projects. I am selfish and naive; I want everything. now. now. now. Yet as the saying goes, "Rome wasn't built in a day." A city such as Rome cannot be built, either, if for each step forward you take two or even three backward. My life was based on losing propositions because I thought I was a losing proposition.
In the past 14 months, I have learned a few facts about myself. Some of them have been rather inspiring and moving; I'm not as bad as I think I am. Even though I remain reticent to claim such a title, I am smart and educated --but that only goes so far. While the ability to read a book is important, what does it matter if you can't relate that knowledge to another human being?
I don't really recall much of life before 2001. This isn't to say I do not have memories, but it seems a foggy haze. That was an important rationale for starting to journal regularly in 2000. I do not joke when I say that I struggle to remember the events of even a few hours ago. This is quite troubling, but very much so related to one of the facts I learned about myself --I have bad disassociative issues. In the parlance of those around me, I am frequently "on autopilot." My emotions are cut off, strangled, just like I was from everyone else for so long.
The real moral, and the reality is that the alcohol really was a symptom. The bipolar, the SAD, the anxiety, the disassociation, the psychosis, are more issues that require a bit more digging. Yet the more I strive to get to the center, the more I am finding what I knew was there all along but was in extreme denial about --it's all fear.
Why am I so afraid? Clearly, the most obvious and "easiest" ways to achieve this are to do something different. Or, more boldly, to confront the fear. To continue the musical relations, and to really drive a point home, The Smiths got this right --"Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things you'd like to, so If there's something you'd like to try, if there's something you'd like to try, ask me I won't say no how could I?"
What I have truly uncovered is that I am lazy and selfish. This is not a justification in any sense. Rather, I am seeking still to understand myself. But that in itself is not an adequate response. In fact, that is part of the wrongheaded-ness of myself that I am seeking to overcome.
This time, The Beatles are worth noting : I Me Mine. This has got to stop. I must shut up and stop whining and shouting if I am ever to know anything different.
So, today, I ask myself --what I am doing to help you? How are my actions affecting you? How can I better understand you?