carry the message, not the mess
For the past few months or so, when I have come here to type away an update, I've typed out some pretty harrowing and depressing stuff...and then delete it. I do not save it in a word document, I don't post it as an entry to myself. Though I've made substantial progress (and even received some unsolicited compliments in regards to that!), I am still not out of the woods.
The lesson I have learned and am applying here is restraint of tongue and pen, or in this case typing. For better or for worse, I spent so many years misusing social media (and still do, to an extent) that there are tangible records of some less than stellar patterns and behaviors.
All I can say is that I am working on changing that. Just because I haven't ingested alcohol or smoked marijuana or even gambled in what is now 11 months, does not suddenly mean "poof!" my behaviors changed. As I have commented to many people, from March to June, I somehow managed to GAIN 20 pounds. Why? Well, because after 7 1/2 years, I had ingrained in my mind that part of the weekly routine of "living" meant Thursday to Saturday were spent gorging in ways people don't even do on the Holidays. The best way to describe those eating habits would be suicidal. Well, the bottle went down, but it was replaced with donuts.
Since then, the donuts remain in the case for other customers. Of course, there are still issues to resolve. The real problem I have now is snacking. Too many carbohydrates enter my body out of boredom and for no clear reason, at least not to me.
I hope it does not come across as me trying to justify bad behaviors. In the past 11 months I have made numerous mistakes, some that have cost friendships. Though there are some material mistakes, such as money issues which will always be an issue, I'm not worried about that, because it doesn't matter. What does matter, is that I do what I can to strengthen the ties I have, and to see if any of those friendships have any chance of being resurrected or at least me making amends to those people.
There will continue to be setbacks, and I'm sure I'll make more mistakes. Perhaps there have even been mistakes as recent as yesterday that will need to be addressed.
But I think that no matter what, while my intentions may be good, while I may be trying, Yoda did get that one dead-on: There is no try, only do. The road to hell, if you believe in such, is truly paved with good intentions. As friends have told me in the past, 'you can stuff your sorry's in a sack!'
So, I don't want to say I'm sorry. Sorry goes along with sympathy,and sympathy is NOT the answer. The answer is in empathy. This ain't easy; for others, it comes natural. It didn't for me.
The lesson I have learned and am applying here is restraint of tongue and pen, or in this case typing. For better or for worse, I spent so many years misusing social media (and still do, to an extent) that there are tangible records of some less than stellar patterns and behaviors.
All I can say is that I am working on changing that. Just because I haven't ingested alcohol or smoked marijuana or even gambled in what is now 11 months, does not suddenly mean "poof!" my behaviors changed. As I have commented to many people, from March to June, I somehow managed to GAIN 20 pounds. Why? Well, because after 7 1/2 years, I had ingrained in my mind that part of the weekly routine of "living" meant Thursday to Saturday were spent gorging in ways people don't even do on the Holidays. The best way to describe those eating habits would be suicidal. Well, the bottle went down, but it was replaced with donuts.
Since then, the donuts remain in the case for other customers. Of course, there are still issues to resolve. The real problem I have now is snacking. Too many carbohydrates enter my body out of boredom and for no clear reason, at least not to me.
I hope it does not come across as me trying to justify bad behaviors. In the past 11 months I have made numerous mistakes, some that have cost friendships. Though there are some material mistakes, such as money issues which will always be an issue, I'm not worried about that, because it doesn't matter. What does matter, is that I do what I can to strengthen the ties I have, and to see if any of those friendships have any chance of being resurrected or at least me making amends to those people.
There will continue to be setbacks, and I'm sure I'll make more mistakes. Perhaps there have even been mistakes as recent as yesterday that will need to be addressed.
But I think that no matter what, while my intentions may be good, while I may be trying, Yoda did get that one dead-on: There is no try, only do. The road to hell, if you believe in such, is truly paved with good intentions. As friends have told me in the past, 'you can stuff your sorry's in a sack!'
So, I don't want to say I'm sorry. Sorry goes along with sympathy,and sympathy is NOT the answer. The answer is in empathy. This ain't easy; for others, it comes natural. It didn't for me.