to me, and any other alcoholic who may still be suffering
This is adapted from something I was writing to send to someone. It has been adapted to, and as the title suggests, is largely to me, but for those who are curious about alcoholism, read on. Otherwise, this is boring, pointless, and academic. I write this for myself, as a reminder that my past ideas, no matter how clever, didn't solve anything. No amount of frothy emotional appeals could suffice. For all the moral and philosophical convictions I have, I was rather empty; I was not really moral or immoral --I was amoral. And as far as philosophy, I truly was a nihilist --a vast emptiness, a vast nothingness.
Since my perspective and attempt to deal with my alcoholic problem is through AA I'd like to reference the literature: the first part of the book (not counting the preface and the forwards) is about classification and the different types of alcoholism. The book makes some general remarks for acknowledging that it does not have the answers to what constitutes an alcoholic, that defining and describing the varieties of alcoholism is beyond the scope of a book. The book is meant merely to offer experience, strength, and hope --themes that are meant to be carried at every meeting.
So, I suppose I'd like to start with this point: If thinking solved everything, then why do people drink? As the book also says, if there were no basis in reality, if it was all just thoughts, then the book would be a theory, it would be academic and pointless. But it is not. There is something more here, and it is centered in the mind and the body. Yes, even though AA seems to look down upon it, willpower does matter. But when a person is so obsessed, so out of touch with reality, what does a thought matter? Once that has happened, once the mental obsession is all-consuming there is nothing to be one. Again, frothy emotional appeals will no longer suffice. Lord knows I had plenty of them, from friends and family.
Perhaps, then, the point is that maybe you arn't an alcoholic. Maybe this talk of a mental obsession is silly, trite, and does not resonate at all. That truly is up to you, and as you've said you are in the past, I can only take your word that you are. We are only alcoholics by our own admission. Thus, it is not a moral judgment, but a personal truth. I don't know, and that isn't why I am writing this.
But the truth be told --you don't have to live under a bridge or be begging for change to be an alcoholic or a bum. I was a bum. I was UC educated (2 bachelor's degrees!) and yet I didn't have a job. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a relationship. I had a place to live because I have kind, tolerant, and loving family that cared for me and gave. And continued to give and give, even as my insanity become a harder cross to carry.
At that point, I was so demoralized. I couldn't even get into the teaching credential program that so many people say is a joke and that they rubber stamp everyone into it. I had to fight to get in. Why? Because I was in full flight from reality. The constant state of regret, denial, and false promises is a vicious cycle, a negative feedback loop that can kill. It nearly killed me. I was very much so, comfortably numb --which is to say, I was dying slowly. But of course, it wasn't the alcohol. It was everything and everyone else.
As far as the varieties of alcoholism, again, you are right. There is no clear definition. It is merely a matter of problem drinking, of a lack of control. I had that in spades. So many people come in to the rooms of AA because of court cards, attempts to win back girlfriends or jobs, to save marriages, etc. These people may be the reason the percentage of "failure" is so high --none of them truly want a solution; they just want what they lost back. Many do get it back, but then they lose it again. And that, really, is a point that perhaps (to me, at least) indicates that alcoholism is just a symptom of a larger, systemic societal problem. But I am not here to promote a political or social agenda.That being said, if anyone reads this paragraph and wants me to elaborate, I can and will.
At the end of the day though, alcoholism is alcoholism. You don't have to be on the verge of having a wet brain or having dt's to come in. I am an example of that. I didn't come in on a court card or to keep a job or a relationship. I've had no DUIs, no legal problems that can be directly connected to alcoholic consumption. So, if those are the indicators of alcoholism, am I one? No. But I know I am an alcoholic. I drink without control; too often have I said "I'm not going to drink or use today..." only to find myself hours later, in a stupor of drunkness wondering how that could have happened. I sat and thought, but not for long --my drinking was such that I passed out or blacked out fairly quickly.
Again, that is part of the problem. I know that once I start, I cannot stop. I think yesterday shows that point. If you arn't an alcoholic, and if you are doing so great --why does drinking bother you so? Why is there that mental obsession to drink or control it, and why is it always met with failure? We don't know, and it doesn't matter. The point is, you said you are doing so much better --and yet drinking continued.
This isn't about thinking, as that is only part of the problem.
If you do feel you are being judged, then be honest. Be upfront. Do not cower and say you are okay, that you just need alone time. This generalization seems to hold true: for an alcoholic, alcohol no longer acts as the social lubricant as it may have in the past. It isolates.
Today you may not have drank, but you isolated. Alcoholic or not, the general consensus of all human thought and all of history is that man is a social animal. True, some are more social than others (hence we have the dichotomy of introversion v extroversion), but that's just the point: we can't be alone. If we could be alone, we'd probably have the capabilities of asexual reproduction. But that's the point --even if live is painful and meaningless, we still go on. Maybe it's all biological. I don't know and I'm not pretending to know.
I know that I am not right. I am wrong, many, many times. I will continue to make errors and whether it is because that is my lot in life, or it is simply part of being human to be wrong, then so be it. I know that I will never have all the answers. No human being ever will. All we can do is find some serenity and live our lives happy and completely, however we may feel.
If alcohol can be part of your life, and you can be happy, serene, and whole, then I congratulate you. I couldn't do that.
And that is why I wrote this. That is partly my story. It could have been riddled with citations from the literature. No one ever has to read this or acknowledge it in any way. But, if for whatever reason another alcoholic does find this, does read it, and any bit resonates (so many books start off by echoing similar statements) then this was not in vain.
Today I have chosen to stop sitting and thinking. Faith without works was dead. Faith does not have to be in any sort of abstract, intangible thought or person. Personally, no religion has ever worked for me, and may never. Religion is not the answer. But, spirituality offers a better alternative. Now, what is the difference? Just like the above part where I mentioned we could go into a sidebar on social and political theory, here is another moment, a moment where we can depart from the general message and connect on another level.
But on this we must always connect --we are human, and no matter what, nothing can be done alone.
Since my perspective and attempt to deal with my alcoholic problem is through AA I'd like to reference the literature: the first part of the book (not counting the preface and the forwards) is about classification and the different types of alcoholism. The book makes some general remarks for acknowledging that it does not have the answers to what constitutes an alcoholic, that defining and describing the varieties of alcoholism is beyond the scope of a book. The book is meant merely to offer experience, strength, and hope --themes that are meant to be carried at every meeting.
So, I suppose I'd like to start with this point: If thinking solved everything, then why do people drink? As the book also says, if there were no basis in reality, if it was all just thoughts, then the book would be a theory, it would be academic and pointless. But it is not. There is something more here, and it is centered in the mind and the body. Yes, even though AA seems to look down upon it, willpower does matter. But when a person is so obsessed, so out of touch with reality, what does a thought matter? Once that has happened, once the mental obsession is all-consuming there is nothing to be one. Again, frothy emotional appeals will no longer suffice. Lord knows I had plenty of them, from friends and family.
Perhaps, then, the point is that maybe you arn't an alcoholic. Maybe this talk of a mental obsession is silly, trite, and does not resonate at all. That truly is up to you, and as you've said you are in the past, I can only take your word that you are. We are only alcoholics by our own admission. Thus, it is not a moral judgment, but a personal truth. I don't know, and that isn't why I am writing this.
But the truth be told --you don't have to live under a bridge or be begging for change to be an alcoholic or a bum. I was a bum. I was UC educated (2 bachelor's degrees!) and yet I didn't have a job. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a relationship. I had a place to live because I have kind, tolerant, and loving family that cared for me and gave. And continued to give and give, even as my insanity become a harder cross to carry.
At that point, I was so demoralized. I couldn't even get into the teaching credential program that so many people say is a joke and that they rubber stamp everyone into it. I had to fight to get in. Why? Because I was in full flight from reality. The constant state of regret, denial, and false promises is a vicious cycle, a negative feedback loop that can kill. It nearly killed me. I was very much so, comfortably numb --which is to say, I was dying slowly. But of course, it wasn't the alcohol. It was everything and everyone else.
As far as the varieties of alcoholism, again, you are right. There is no clear definition. It is merely a matter of problem drinking, of a lack of control. I had that in spades. So many people come in to the rooms of AA because of court cards, attempts to win back girlfriends or jobs, to save marriages, etc. These people may be the reason the percentage of "failure" is so high --none of them truly want a solution; they just want what they lost back. Many do get it back, but then they lose it again. And that, really, is a point that perhaps (to me, at least) indicates that alcoholism is just a symptom of a larger, systemic societal problem. But I am not here to promote a political or social agenda.That being said, if anyone reads this paragraph and wants me to elaborate, I can and will.
At the end of the day though, alcoholism is alcoholism. You don't have to be on the verge of having a wet brain or having dt's to come in. I am an example of that. I didn't come in on a court card or to keep a job or a relationship. I've had no DUIs, no legal problems that can be directly connected to alcoholic consumption. So, if those are the indicators of alcoholism, am I one? No. But I know I am an alcoholic. I drink without control; too often have I said "I'm not going to drink or use today..." only to find myself hours later, in a stupor of drunkness wondering how that could have happened. I sat and thought, but not for long --my drinking was such that I passed out or blacked out fairly quickly.
Again, that is part of the problem. I know that once I start, I cannot stop. I think yesterday shows that point. If you arn't an alcoholic, and if you are doing so great --why does drinking bother you so? Why is there that mental obsession to drink or control it, and why is it always met with failure? We don't know, and it doesn't matter. The point is, you said you are doing so much better --and yet drinking continued.
This isn't about thinking, as that is only part of the problem.
If you do feel you are being judged, then be honest. Be upfront. Do not cower and say you are okay, that you just need alone time. This generalization seems to hold true: for an alcoholic, alcohol no longer acts as the social lubricant as it may have in the past. It isolates.
Today you may not have drank, but you isolated. Alcoholic or not, the general consensus of all human thought and all of history is that man is a social animal. True, some are more social than others (hence we have the dichotomy of introversion v extroversion), but that's just the point: we can't be alone. If we could be alone, we'd probably have the capabilities of asexual reproduction. But that's the point --even if live is painful and meaningless, we still go on. Maybe it's all biological. I don't know and I'm not pretending to know.
I know that I am not right. I am wrong, many, many times. I will continue to make errors and whether it is because that is my lot in life, or it is simply part of being human to be wrong, then so be it. I know that I will never have all the answers. No human being ever will. All we can do is find some serenity and live our lives happy and completely, however we may feel.
If alcohol can be part of your life, and you can be happy, serene, and whole, then I congratulate you. I couldn't do that.
And that is why I wrote this. That is partly my story. It could have been riddled with citations from the literature. No one ever has to read this or acknowledge it in any way. But, if for whatever reason another alcoholic does find this, does read it, and any bit resonates (so many books start off by echoing similar statements) then this was not in vain.
Today I have chosen to stop sitting and thinking. Faith without works was dead. Faith does not have to be in any sort of abstract, intangible thought or person. Personally, no religion has ever worked for me, and may never. Religion is not the answer. But, spirituality offers a better alternative. Now, what is the difference? Just like the above part where I mentioned we could go into a sidebar on social and political theory, here is another moment, a moment where we can depart from the general message and connect on another level.
But on this we must always connect --we are human, and no matter what, nothing can be done alone.