Strange things happen when worlds collide
It is 9am Sunday morning. Though I was very good about being up early for a few months (at least Monday-Friday), it became apparent for a while that only Sunday would offer a moment to sleep in, to relax. It was disastrous, actually. That contagion spread to infect Saturday, then Friday and Thursday, and the past few weeks it has interrupted the flow of weeks. It had me missing meetings and being very, very depressed. There really is no other, easier way of putting it.
On a more optimistic note, however, I pulled back and tried to evaluate what was going on. Several factors contributed to this self-induced malaise. I believe my last entry was sort of an attempt to address those issues; however, as my problems tend to be: it was vague, amorphous, without a method of changing it. The problems were also not clearly articulated.
A few days have passed and further factors have come to light. I will try to briefly mention them now, in a sort of bullet-list fashion:
1. Weather. Though the days are still bright and shiny (and reach the 80s!), the weather has shifted undeniably. I saw my pdoc Friday and it was agreed: I need to start using my SAD lamp. I began that yesterday and will do my best to continue with it.
2. Food consumption. For the past while, I have actually been eating mostly protein bars and fiber one bars. I need more variety and different foods and to actually sit down and prepare something, even if it is just a sandwich. Also, two other factors under this category: my sugar consumption has decreased (which long-term is good) and so has my caffeine consumption. The sugar decrease is again, a good thing; my only concern is, that without both, I was missing those false energy boosts. But that's okay; it has helped me reduce and maintain my weight and be more focused. The transition is a bitch, however.
3.Inconsistent meeting attendance and scheduling conflicts.Between my own changing schedule and moods and patterns, and my old sponsor's schedule changing, it was hard to make it to meetings. Also, my sleeping patterns have been distorted.
4. Social life This sort of builds off of number 3 and that last part, sleeping which I'll get to in a minute. In mid-September, various factors made it easier and more desirable to be social. This has done wonders to my psyche, in terms of being able to express my thoughts and ideas and just spend time with people in a meaningful and substantial way. It has brought about a lot of catharsis and has left me feeling good. There are some downsides, however.
5. Sleep and medication This is perhaps the biggest factor and ties it all together. All the aforementioned factors and this one feed off of each other. The weather shifts make me want to sleep in and eat more; the scheduling and social life result in having to be flexible --which is a good thing, but can lead to being overly permissive, as I have a tendency toward extremism. The biggest issue is that I stay up later, which means my medications are taken later, which means I sleep in later...I can't afford that.
In sum, it goes back to one word: consistency. I do need to be flexible (which again, as mentioned above, is a good thing. I do need to be flexible --but I also need to be consistent. I can't be tied down into micromanaging segments, as that will drive me mad; however, taking medication that means I need to spend 8 hours in bed, and going from taking it at 8pm to say, 12am, well, that's a 4 hour shift. It's no wonder I'm groggy and can barely get out of bed at 8am! That, dear reader, was my experiment --I took my medication early. The result was very apparent: by taking meds at 8:30pm, I was already starting to naturally wake up before my alarm --which was set for 6:30. It feels good to be awake and alive.
It comes down to that push-pull factor: how much of life is anarchic in nature, and how much of it follows a structure and can produce a coherent narrative?
I may get back to that question later today, but I may not.
Oh, and I have a new sponsor.
On a more optimistic note, however, I pulled back and tried to evaluate what was going on. Several factors contributed to this self-induced malaise. I believe my last entry was sort of an attempt to address those issues; however, as my problems tend to be: it was vague, amorphous, without a method of changing it. The problems were also not clearly articulated.
A few days have passed and further factors have come to light. I will try to briefly mention them now, in a sort of bullet-list fashion:
1. Weather. Though the days are still bright and shiny (and reach the 80s!), the weather has shifted undeniably. I saw my pdoc Friday and it was agreed: I need to start using my SAD lamp. I began that yesterday and will do my best to continue with it.
2. Food consumption. For the past while, I have actually been eating mostly protein bars and fiber one bars. I need more variety and different foods and to actually sit down and prepare something, even if it is just a sandwich. Also, two other factors under this category: my sugar consumption has decreased (which long-term is good) and so has my caffeine consumption. The sugar decrease is again, a good thing; my only concern is, that without both, I was missing those false energy boosts. But that's okay; it has helped me reduce and maintain my weight and be more focused. The transition is a bitch, however.
3.Inconsistent meeting attendance and scheduling conflicts.Between my own changing schedule and moods and patterns, and my old sponsor's schedule changing, it was hard to make it to meetings. Also, my sleeping patterns have been distorted.
4. Social life This sort of builds off of number 3 and that last part, sleeping which I'll get to in a minute. In mid-September, various factors made it easier and more desirable to be social. This has done wonders to my psyche, in terms of being able to express my thoughts and ideas and just spend time with people in a meaningful and substantial way. It has brought about a lot of catharsis and has left me feeling good. There are some downsides, however.
5. Sleep and medication This is perhaps the biggest factor and ties it all together. All the aforementioned factors and this one feed off of each other. The weather shifts make me want to sleep in and eat more; the scheduling and social life result in having to be flexible --which is a good thing, but can lead to being overly permissive, as I have a tendency toward extremism. The biggest issue is that I stay up later, which means my medications are taken later, which means I sleep in later...I can't afford that.
In sum, it goes back to one word: consistency. I do need to be flexible (which again, as mentioned above, is a good thing. I do need to be flexible --but I also need to be consistent. I can't be tied down into micromanaging segments, as that will drive me mad; however, taking medication that means I need to spend 8 hours in bed, and going from taking it at 8pm to say, 12am, well, that's a 4 hour shift. It's no wonder I'm groggy and can barely get out of bed at 8am! That, dear reader, was my experiment --I took my medication early. The result was very apparent: by taking meds at 8:30pm, I was already starting to naturally wake up before my alarm --which was set for 6:30. It feels good to be awake and alive.
It comes down to that push-pull factor: how much of life is anarchic in nature, and how much of it follows a structure and can produce a coherent narrative?
I may get back to that question later today, but I may not.
Oh, and I have a new sponsor.