A spiritual experience?
Today was an odd day. I don't know that I accomplished anything in a material sense, but I feel as if something happened. Something changed within me; however, as I said to a dear friend, I'm not sure I'll remember this in the morning.
Tonight I felt an odd calm, a sense of acceptance and resignation. The way I spoke, and what I wrote, there is a sense of death. Death is here in a sense, in the form of closure.
The friend I was with and I have a sexual past together. Aside from Sylvia, he is the only person I have had sex with and am still on a fairly regular speaking basis. There is a new person in my life, a potential romantic interest, that I worry about. He and I have both expressed an interest in sex. But I already feel a sort of mental connection with him. Clearly, I mix sex and love too liberally. I blur the lines between physical pleasure and emotional intimacy.
A central metaphor to understanding this: I have been inside people, but have felt no closer to them. It is an odd feeling, to be physically inside one, to ejaculate, and not create a new life. But this is a highly hetero-normative, phallic, male-centric perspective. Unfortunately, I am not sure how to translate it any other way.
I am not creative nor am I intellectual. I am simply overeducated and can identify the problems, but I don't know how to fix them.
He read me a poem tonight. We had a conversation which another friend listened to, with no clear understanding of what was going on. I still don't know, and I may never. As I wrote and read, I feel as if a man on the gallows, waiting to be hung.
Today may be the first day I can honestly say that I did not want to drink or commit suicide. There are still many past demons to confront, amends to be made, if you will.
But today, just for today, I reflected on the past and with the help of a friend worked toward a synthesis of understanding. It was mostly political, but when we got to his place, it became personal, existential.
Some things in life are universal and some are particular, to eras and individuals. No matter how hard we try, the human experience can not be conveyed in any other way than experience.
I am ready to experience.
Tonight I felt an odd calm, a sense of acceptance and resignation. The way I spoke, and what I wrote, there is a sense of death. Death is here in a sense, in the form of closure.
The friend I was with and I have a sexual past together. Aside from Sylvia, he is the only person I have had sex with and am still on a fairly regular speaking basis. There is a new person in my life, a potential romantic interest, that I worry about. He and I have both expressed an interest in sex. But I already feel a sort of mental connection with him. Clearly, I mix sex and love too liberally. I blur the lines between physical pleasure and emotional intimacy.
A central metaphor to understanding this: I have been inside people, but have felt no closer to them. It is an odd feeling, to be physically inside one, to ejaculate, and not create a new life. But this is a highly hetero-normative, phallic, male-centric perspective. Unfortunately, I am not sure how to translate it any other way.
I am not creative nor am I intellectual. I am simply overeducated and can identify the problems, but I don't know how to fix them.
He read me a poem tonight. We had a conversation which another friend listened to, with no clear understanding of what was going on. I still don't know, and I may never. As I wrote and read, I feel as if a man on the gallows, waiting to be hung.
Today may be the first day I can honestly say that I did not want to drink or commit suicide. There are still many past demons to confront, amends to be made, if you will.
But today, just for today, I reflected on the past and with the help of a friend worked toward a synthesis of understanding. It was mostly political, but when we got to his place, it became personal, existential.
Some things in life are universal and some are particular, to eras and individuals. No matter how hard we try, the human experience can not be conveyed in any other way than experience.
I am ready to experience.