reflections on tomorrow
Tomorrow is Bastille Day, which, for those not in the know, is considered one of the opening salvos of the French Revolution. I always found it to be a rather important day. Also, tomorrow would have been Ingmar Bergman's 93rd Birthday. I find it hard to believe it has been almost four years since he passed, but so it goes. But, for sake of this entry, let's flash forward to 5 years ago.
On 14 July 2006, I finally met Gail in person. True, we had known each other through the internet since sometime in 2003. It was an interesting day, 14 July 2006, as it was also when I made my attempt at vegetarianism. It only lasted until the fall of 2007, and even then, by then, I had actually become a pescaterian. It all ended one night when I was drunk and hungry, and the pizza place only had pizza with meat on it. When I awoke the next day, I felt more greasy than guilty, and decided that feeling greasy was better than feeling hungover, and if I didn't feel too guilty, why not eat meat?
I struggled with the desire to remain vegetarian and the easy with which meat is purchased and consumed. This struggle lasted no more than a couple weeks, when, hanging out with some new friends, I decided to buy a whole, pre-cooked, chicken and a 12 pack of beer. I decided that would get me through the weekend I was going to spend at my new friend's house. Well, it wasn't. I arrived either Friday or Saturday and didn't leave until Monday. But by Sunday night, I was hungry for more --so I had a whole pizza to myself. My eating habits were insane --and still are.
I mention all this because tonight I had a very, very enjoyable steak. I don't recall the exact date of the entry, but there is one from January of perhaps 2008 or '09 in which I reflect on eating prime rib and write something about how we had an enjoyable meal, complete with all the moral guilt of eating meat.
I wish that I could feel that kind of guilt again.
For a while, I was obviously feeling guilty about my relationships with alcohol and other people. But right now, between my reading haze and that palpable joy I got from eating a very good steak, I don't feel much of anything.
I don't even feel the usual lustful urges which generally accompany so much reading. In the past 48 hours I have read well over 300 pages. In the past week, over 400.
There are, I hope, several themes running through this --the importance of time and history; the ethics of meat; and the horrors of my over-consumption. I don't want to brow-beat any of those, I just want to draw attention to them, for they are on my mind now and may very well be on it tomorrow, when I awaken.
I suppose I don't have much to say tonight, but I didn't feel right not updating for two consecutive days.
It's curious, the lack of feelings I'm having, this almost inner calm. The only real craving I can think of having today was for a cigarette after I had my steak. I didn't have that cigarette. The desire for sweets is not present; those lustful feelings, like I said, are noticeably absent (in fact, not that anyone needs to know this but I find it worth recording, I have only pleased myself once so far this week; normally, by this point of the week I'd be on at least 3 and sometimes, during the heights of sexual arousal, as much as 9 or more). And, of course, the urge to drink is not really present, either. I didn't even get my usual despairs about money or the meaninglessness of life. And, finally, that usual loneliness I get didn't come either.
I don't know what came over me today. Or, rather, what didn't. Am I becoming a better person? Am I finally learning to transcend some of my notable character defects? Is there hope for me yet? It's hard to say, really.
I just feel this blankness, this almost calm feeling. I know partially it is because I actually ate pretty well today. Say what one will about the ethics and morals of eating meat, but that's what I had for dinner --steak and a salad.
That animal blood lust is still with me, obviously. It always will be, for I'll always be human.
On 14 July 2006, I finally met Gail in person. True, we had known each other through the internet since sometime in 2003. It was an interesting day, 14 July 2006, as it was also when I made my attempt at vegetarianism. It only lasted until the fall of 2007, and even then, by then, I had actually become a pescaterian. It all ended one night when I was drunk and hungry, and the pizza place only had pizza with meat on it. When I awoke the next day, I felt more greasy than guilty, and decided that feeling greasy was better than feeling hungover, and if I didn't feel too guilty, why not eat meat?
I struggled with the desire to remain vegetarian and the easy with which meat is purchased and consumed. This struggle lasted no more than a couple weeks, when, hanging out with some new friends, I decided to buy a whole, pre-cooked, chicken and a 12 pack of beer. I decided that would get me through the weekend I was going to spend at my new friend's house. Well, it wasn't. I arrived either Friday or Saturday and didn't leave until Monday. But by Sunday night, I was hungry for more --so I had a whole pizza to myself. My eating habits were insane --and still are.
I mention all this because tonight I had a very, very enjoyable steak. I don't recall the exact date of the entry, but there is one from January of perhaps 2008 or '09 in which I reflect on eating prime rib and write something about how we had an enjoyable meal, complete with all the moral guilt of eating meat.
I wish that I could feel that kind of guilt again.
For a while, I was obviously feeling guilty about my relationships with alcohol and other people. But right now, between my reading haze and that palpable joy I got from eating a very good steak, I don't feel much of anything.
I don't even feel the usual lustful urges which generally accompany so much reading. In the past 48 hours I have read well over 300 pages. In the past week, over 400.
There are, I hope, several themes running through this --the importance of time and history; the ethics of meat; and the horrors of my over-consumption. I don't want to brow-beat any of those, I just want to draw attention to them, for they are on my mind now and may very well be on it tomorrow, when I awaken.
I suppose I don't have much to say tonight, but I didn't feel right not updating for two consecutive days.
It's curious, the lack of feelings I'm having, this almost inner calm. The only real craving I can think of having today was for a cigarette after I had my steak. I didn't have that cigarette. The desire for sweets is not present; those lustful feelings, like I said, are noticeably absent (in fact, not that anyone needs to know this but I find it worth recording, I have only pleased myself once so far this week; normally, by this point of the week I'd be on at least 3 and sometimes, during the heights of sexual arousal, as much as 9 or more). And, of course, the urge to drink is not really present, either. I didn't even get my usual despairs about money or the meaninglessness of life. And, finally, that usual loneliness I get didn't come either.
I don't know what came over me today. Or, rather, what didn't. Am I becoming a better person? Am I finally learning to transcend some of my notable character defects? Is there hope for me yet? It's hard to say, really.
I just feel this blankness, this almost calm feeling. I know partially it is because I actually ate pretty well today. Say what one will about the ethics and morals of eating meat, but that's what I had for dinner --steak and a salad.
That animal blood lust is still with me, obviously. It always will be, for I'll always be human.