one of those tweets-into-journal entry entries
There was a time when I only updated in the morning, and a time when I only updated in the middle of the night. I guess right now, I'm at that level of compromise, with the bulk of entries coming in the afternoon. That being said, I just felt like coming here, to espouse more of whatever it is I espouse. (shrug)
I found a lot of comfort in my pandora earlier. Somehow, pandora seems to know the exact songs I need to hear in perfect sequences. Other times, I find myself confronted with familiar themes and sounds, but done in a way to be different, new, refreshing. I sometimes spend so much time in my Pink Floyd-The Smiths/Morrissey- Neil Young fix that I forget what music is really like. It makes me sad, really, cause there's always this real sense (for me, at least) of being behind the times and not really knowing what is out there. In this era of recycling, I've found myself wondering what is "classic rock" and what the hell is "rock music" today? I don't claim to be an expert, nor I do have any clearly defined ideas on how to define either. But, I can give it the "old college try" right?
Well, that's not what this entry is for. I'm here to complain and bemoan the fact that, for better or for worse, I am increasingly anachronistic. I admit that a lot of it is by choice, but with the gaps I have in my life, I got this strong lacking of anyone to keep me "plugged in." I'm back to where I was in high school, sort of: where the notoriously typo-ridden, backwards, conservative rag that dares to call itself a newspaper (The Modesto Bee) is providing me with a glimpse of "current events." That is a sad state of affairs, but with enough effort, I can certainly fight the current.
I suppose that is all I can do, really. I'm not a young undergraduate anymore, thrown into the thicket of culture. Nor am I an impressionable high school student, ripe for guidance from corporate hacks who've turned the adolescent experience into a commodity, to be ritually experienced but never fully understood. Am I making sense? I'm probably just sounding like a tired old fool, who doesn't grasp the semantics or the syntax of anything.
I suppose what I'm saying, really, is that I need to get on that digital music thing. Most of the music I listen to is still in the cd format or --gasp -- the radio! It's funny to think that most of the time I would turn on the radio and only listen to NPR. Now, I don't do that; I turn on the cd player and listen to old sounds from my not-so-distant-but-seemingly-centuries-ago youth. I always wanted to be at this point, really, being able to say "yeah, I've been listening to that band for a decade or so." I don't know why, but I have this obsession with wanting things to be old, wanting them to have a sense of tradition and regularity. It's always been striking to me how I could be so caught up in the notion of destroying traditions, when all I really do is adhere to them. I suppose, in a cursory analysis, I am an anarchic authoritarian. But I'll probably rescind (and deny having ever uttered) that label.
These thoughts I have make me seem so antiquated. I'm already rotting inside, when I haven't even finished fully ripened. I wonder how often that happens in contemporary society. It is hard to fathom that less than a decade ago --say, 2003ish -- I was happily proclaiming that I was in the "prime of my youth." That's a phrase that I tried googling and couldn't find a satisfactory explanation for how my mind could have created that. Lord knows that there are few original sentences --if any -- to be crafted. Or, maybe there are an infinite amount more. I don't know. Language is an infinite amount of possibilities, derived from finite means. I wish I could remember if it was Chomsky or Pinker that I got that idea from. In any event, it ain't original to me.
I guess the other thing is, that for better or for worse, I am part of "the establishment." I don't know what that means, but I imagine if I were a young punk, proclaiming anarchy or communism or libertarianism or whatever ideology is popular with the youth at the time, I would still be part of the system. Why am I so caught up in that romantic notion of wanting to be a revolutionary, when all my actions indicate I am a reactionary?
You know, it's funny, because I was reading up on generations earlier, particularly the Strauss-Howe theory. I find that funny because it is an exercise in periodization, which, as I learned, is a very value-laden exercise. I learned that from Kenez, naturally. It's hard to remember what I learned from who, or when I experienced certain thoughts anymore. My sense of time is very skewed and often forgotten. I suppose, however, my attempt to connect the dots is really just an exercise in the masturbatory practice of trying to find progress.
Progress, however, is uneven. It requires stepping backward, forward, side-to-side, or even in diagonals. I suppose there are other ways in which we can "step" but I don't know. I'm caught up in my three dimensional, late 20th/early 21st century way of looking at things.
I always wanted to be a person that was always learning and growing. I suppose, to an extent, I can and will be. I dunno. I miss having outside opinions of myself to keep me grounded in some sort of reality. I guess that's what friends are for, right? What I'm saying, is, my schema, my paradigm is ever in the process of shifting, and continually opening and closing.
My goal is to remain teachable and flexible, but I worry, without friends or outside opinions, I won't have that. There I go again, leaving myself without a conclusion...
I always did lose steam and traction toward the end. I've got to fight my own oppressive past and ideas.
I found a lot of comfort in my pandora earlier. Somehow, pandora seems to know the exact songs I need to hear in perfect sequences. Other times, I find myself confronted with familiar themes and sounds, but done in a way to be different, new, refreshing. I sometimes spend so much time in my Pink Floyd-The Smiths/Morrissey- Neil Young fix that I forget what music is really like. It makes me sad, really, cause there's always this real sense (for me, at least) of being behind the times and not really knowing what is out there. In this era of recycling, I've found myself wondering what is "classic rock" and what the hell is "rock music" today? I don't claim to be an expert, nor I do have any clearly defined ideas on how to define either. But, I can give it the "old college try" right?
Well, that's not what this entry is for. I'm here to complain and bemoan the fact that, for better or for worse, I am increasingly anachronistic. I admit that a lot of it is by choice, but with the gaps I have in my life, I got this strong lacking of anyone to keep me "plugged in." I'm back to where I was in high school, sort of: where the notoriously typo-ridden, backwards, conservative rag that dares to call itself a newspaper (The Modesto Bee) is providing me with a glimpse of "current events." That is a sad state of affairs, but with enough effort, I can certainly fight the current.
I suppose that is all I can do, really. I'm not a young undergraduate anymore, thrown into the thicket of culture. Nor am I an impressionable high school student, ripe for guidance from corporate hacks who've turned the adolescent experience into a commodity, to be ritually experienced but never fully understood. Am I making sense? I'm probably just sounding like a tired old fool, who doesn't grasp the semantics or the syntax of anything.
I suppose what I'm saying, really, is that I need to get on that digital music thing. Most of the music I listen to is still in the cd format or --gasp -- the radio! It's funny to think that most of the time I would turn on the radio and only listen to NPR. Now, I don't do that; I turn on the cd player and listen to old sounds from my not-so-distant-but-seemingly-centuries-ago youth. I always wanted to be at this point, really, being able to say "yeah, I've been listening to that band for a decade or so." I don't know why, but I have this obsession with wanting things to be old, wanting them to have a sense of tradition and regularity. It's always been striking to me how I could be so caught up in the notion of destroying traditions, when all I really do is adhere to them. I suppose, in a cursory analysis, I am an anarchic authoritarian. But I'll probably rescind (and deny having ever uttered) that label.
These thoughts I have make me seem so antiquated. I'm already rotting inside, when I haven't even finished fully ripened. I wonder how often that happens in contemporary society. It is hard to fathom that less than a decade ago --say, 2003ish -- I was happily proclaiming that I was in the "prime of my youth." That's a phrase that I tried googling and couldn't find a satisfactory explanation for how my mind could have created that. Lord knows that there are few original sentences --if any -- to be crafted. Or, maybe there are an infinite amount more. I don't know. Language is an infinite amount of possibilities, derived from finite means. I wish I could remember if it was Chomsky or Pinker that I got that idea from. In any event, it ain't original to me.
I guess the other thing is, that for better or for worse, I am part of "the establishment." I don't know what that means, but I imagine if I were a young punk, proclaiming anarchy or communism or libertarianism or whatever ideology is popular with the youth at the time, I would still be part of the system. Why am I so caught up in that romantic notion of wanting to be a revolutionary, when all my actions indicate I am a reactionary?
You know, it's funny, because I was reading up on generations earlier, particularly the Strauss-Howe theory. I find that funny because it is an exercise in periodization, which, as I learned, is a very value-laden exercise. I learned that from Kenez, naturally. It's hard to remember what I learned from who, or when I experienced certain thoughts anymore. My sense of time is very skewed and often forgotten. I suppose, however, my attempt to connect the dots is really just an exercise in the masturbatory practice of trying to find progress.
Progress, however, is uneven. It requires stepping backward, forward, side-to-side, or even in diagonals. I suppose there are other ways in which we can "step" but I don't know. I'm caught up in my three dimensional, late 20th/early 21st century way of looking at things.
I always wanted to be a person that was always learning and growing. I suppose, to an extent, I can and will be. I dunno. I miss having outside opinions of myself to keep me grounded in some sort of reality. I guess that's what friends are for, right? What I'm saying, is, my schema, my paradigm is ever in the process of shifting, and continually opening and closing.
My goal is to remain teachable and flexible, but I worry, without friends or outside opinions, I won't have that. There I go again, leaving myself without a conclusion...
I always did lose steam and traction toward the end. I've got to fight my own oppressive past and ideas.