sometimes, I feel like I am leavin' life behind...
It is rather difficult to write anything here without getting overly personal. As it stands, my usage of the English language is clunky, off-kilter, overly pedantic, and terrible vague --and that's on my good days. Have I mentioned that English is, in fact, my native tongue?
I just feel so embarrassed about everything. I spent the years 1999-2005 trying to recapture something from before 1999. I sort of did, from 2005-2010, in the form of that damned friendship I had labeled "the trio."
To borrow from a song:
All my friends keep telling me that it would be a shame
To break up such a grand success and tear apart a name
But all I know is what I feel whenever I'm not playin'
Emptiness ain't where it's at and neither's feeling pain
-Jefferson Airplane, "Third Week in the Chelsea" (appearing on Bark)
Well, for about 5 years, everything seemed to have returned to normalcy. I realise now that that was farthest from the truth. The past 5 years or so were spent trying to recapture some sort of magic. As history has shown me, however, is that once progress is made, we cannot return to the past. I spent 2005-2010 trying to live in the past.
The truth is, I'm a highly damaged person. That great schism in my life, in 1999, fucked me up in ways I'm still dealing with. And then death in 2001 and 2002. As a friend commented on after my grandmother's passing in 2002: "I knew it was one of those things that would change you in such a way you'd never really be you again."
After those disastrous events came 2003. Life truly hasn't been the same since then. Though I'm still technically growing, I can't help but feel as if I've already reached my peak. That was also commented on, by a different friend, in the last year or so: "You always sound as if your best days are behind you." And, the funny thing is, like I said yesterday (I think): when I'm living something, I hate it; but once it is over, I tend to romanticize and glorify the past.
I wish I could say there was a bottom line, some sort of unifying thing to tie together all these loose ends. But, as far as I know, at this point in time, there is nothing but the emptiness of being.
I just feel so embarrassed about everything. I spent the years 1999-2005 trying to recapture something from before 1999. I sort of did, from 2005-2010, in the form of that damned friendship I had labeled "the trio."
To borrow from a song:
All my friends keep telling me that it would be a shame
To break up such a grand success and tear apart a name
But all I know is what I feel whenever I'm not playin'
Emptiness ain't where it's at and neither's feeling pain
-Jefferson Airplane, "Third Week in the Chelsea" (appearing on Bark)
Well, for about 5 years, everything seemed to have returned to normalcy. I realise now that that was farthest from the truth. The past 5 years or so were spent trying to recapture some sort of magic. As history has shown me, however, is that once progress is made, we cannot return to the past. I spent 2005-2010 trying to live in the past.
The truth is, I'm a highly damaged person. That great schism in my life, in 1999, fucked me up in ways I'm still dealing with. And then death in 2001 and 2002. As a friend commented on after my grandmother's passing in 2002: "I knew it was one of those things that would change you in such a way you'd never really be you again."
After those disastrous events came 2003. Life truly hasn't been the same since then. Though I'm still technically growing, I can't help but feel as if I've already reached my peak. That was also commented on, by a different friend, in the last year or so: "You always sound as if your best days are behind you." And, the funny thing is, like I said yesterday (I think): when I'm living something, I hate it; but once it is over, I tend to romanticize and glorify the past.
I wish I could say there was a bottom line, some sort of unifying thing to tie together all these loose ends. But, as far as I know, at this point in time, there is nothing but the emptiness of being.