Resurrection: Creativity growth
It's April, 2019. I have not used this journal for a very long time. It used to be my repository for all my thoughts, memes, and stories. I used to put everything in here, my poetry, my love, my every day life. No one really used to read it, so it was just me. A few people read it, so I used to write to keep them apprised. Then for some reason our little community went it's own way, and I kind of drifted too, leaving my thoughts here, to grow dust.
Recently, I have found creativity to be hard. I am not as creative as I would like to be. It's almost as though life has become flatter, more lacking color, but I have been learning different things. I have been becoming elsewhere.
I have been learning my culture, learning how to work, learning how to be who I am. It has been an interesting journey so far. I have been learning beading, which is hard for me, because it is very fiddly, and I am not good with fiddly. I have been learning how to drum, and how to sing, traditional songs, which make me feel things I have never felt before. I have been in ceremony. I have learned how to sew to clothe myself. I am interested in learning how to live off the land, how to create something purely from the land I live on. I have interests in learning these things so that I can go back to living the way we used to. I am tired of colonized life, I am tired of having to prove myself to other people's standards that don't mean anything to me or my people. I have spent my entire life trying to gain my dad's approval, but the thing is he is the wrong measure. I need to feel good about who I am, about how I live my life, and how I am learning to be in life. So this is where I am. I am learning, I am growing.
Also, life has been more amazing than I have ever thought it could be. I worked, I found I was good at holding a job, and good with people. I learned how to network and discovered that I was damn good at it. I have done so much that I thought I was not capable of, and am continuing to grow.
There have been challenges. People I never should have trusted. The destruction of my job, due to someone's pique. The realization that sometimes I chose to give some people the better parts of myself and they are the wrong people. Also, I have learned that some people can be jealous of me, and jealousy usually leads to bitterness and hatred on their part.
I have walked away from those things that did not serve me best, and will continue to find those people that add to me, and that I can learn positive things from, and who make me happy.
Life is amazing, and I am amazing in it. I will promise to update this blog once a day. More for my benefit, than for yours, but happy reading my friends.
Recently, I have found creativity to be hard. I am not as creative as I would like to be. It's almost as though life has become flatter, more lacking color, but I have been learning different things. I have been becoming elsewhere.
I have been learning my culture, learning how to work, learning how to be who I am. It has been an interesting journey so far. I have been learning beading, which is hard for me, because it is very fiddly, and I am not good with fiddly. I have been learning how to drum, and how to sing, traditional songs, which make me feel things I have never felt before. I have been in ceremony. I have learned how to sew to clothe myself. I am interested in learning how to live off the land, how to create something purely from the land I live on. I have interests in learning these things so that I can go back to living the way we used to. I am tired of colonized life, I am tired of having to prove myself to other people's standards that don't mean anything to me or my people. I have spent my entire life trying to gain my dad's approval, but the thing is he is the wrong measure. I need to feel good about who I am, about how I live my life, and how I am learning to be in life. So this is where I am. I am learning, I am growing.
Also, life has been more amazing than I have ever thought it could be. I worked, I found I was good at holding a job, and good with people. I learned how to network and discovered that I was damn good at it. I have done so much that I thought I was not capable of, and am continuing to grow.
There have been challenges. People I never should have trusted. The destruction of my job, due to someone's pique. The realization that sometimes I chose to give some people the better parts of myself and they are the wrong people. Also, I have learned that some people can be jealous of me, and jealousy usually leads to bitterness and hatred on their part.
I have walked away from those things that did not serve me best, and will continue to find those people that add to me, and that I can learn positive things from, and who make me happy.
Life is amazing, and I am amazing in it. I will promise to update this blog once a day. More for my benefit, than for yours, but happy reading my friends.