comment to kb8
hey Sandra...
don't know how many people actually read your journal, or read the responses, but I thought since you said hello, I should too. Shit in my life is crazy, and all that shit with Berto...daaaamn, he didn't tell me shit, and I don't believe it!!! I'm half thinking about going home, for good, leaving everything, but I haven't really told anyone this yet--it's just eating me up form the inside. I smoke and drink too much too by the way, and that's not good. Honestly, drugs don't get rid of any of your problems, they just nub you a bit so you can put up with a few more hours of your life without worrying, stressin, or feeling depressed. I also know what you mean about trusting people--I still make *small* confidences, but, for the most part, if you don't want people knowing shit about your fucking life, keep your own mouth closed--it's hard, but sometimes shit just has to stay inside you know? I used to think that the truth is all there was, and if I didn't tell the truth, I was a fake, but you know what? Life is a whole shit load more complicated than that. I don't conform, and I don't like conforming, but I can't overtly not conform, because The People, Society, stomps on you, make sure you're down on the ground and squirming. Truth is all good--it's important to be honest, but sometimes people don't have to know *everything* because that will only hurt them, and that's pointless. I've changed a lot Sandra, life is hardening me, and making me want to escape it all. I've constructed so much so far, and I'm pretty scared tolet it all go...but the problem is, I'm not 100% ready to leave France yet...although Julie...I love her, but am I still in love with her? It's the same shit I said before I left home to come back to France, and time has passed, and here I am after one year, asking myself the same damn question! If I'm asking myself this question, as often as I am...there's gotta be somehting that's not clicking you know what I mean? I don't feel that passion anymore, and I want to feel it again, and I don't feel that drunkedness you feel when you can't get enough of someone else's lips... I want to feel that again too. I almost forgot what it felt like....I honestly did.
In any case...you're dogin better than I am in regards to money and jobs and whatnot. I'm jobless (got fired for not being maternal enough--whatever, she can go fuck herself and shove her spoiled and coddled little crying brats up her ass for all I fucking care). Anyway..enough viloent langtuage there--honestly, I'm over it, but I wanted to illustrate to you how I felt at the moment. heheheh
In any case, I'm toying with the idea of asking Berto to move in with him if ever I decide that I'm not staying in France. But I don't know yet. If he's too far away from my parents, then maybe not, but, I don't know if living with my parents after all this time away is going tobe a good idea. Plus, I need my little beuze every now and then (PS: beuze is a nick name for weed). I think I'm going to smoke all my life, and I think I'm not goping to have any kids either. I'm too egocentric for that...I want to live my own life, not live my life FOR someone else (namely, kids). But we'll see. I'm just scared that I've changed a little too much...perhaps Julie and I aren't meant for eachother anymore. I don't know. You know that saying about good things coming at the wrong times? Yeha, I feel like that's the story of my life...and lately, it's starting to be ok...what I mean is...if the "good" thing comes at the wrong time, you get to taste it a little, and keep on to your own path. Like, imagine all these amazing individuals who come into my life, and I don't settle down, I would have met THAT MANY MORE amazing individuals in my life...you know? BLAH, in any case, this is long enough. I'm sorry to verbally vomitting on you. ;-) Please keep in touch--I know I suck and never write, but I'm on livejournal, and I'm also on email kirastar@gmail.com
so definitely write me...
love you babe, (and by the way, you can always trust me--I will never go out and gossip or even repeat what you told me...I'm a tomb...because there are things in my life that need to kept in tombs too...and I've built one expressly for this purpose deep within my essence.)
kira
don't know how many people actually read your journal, or read the responses, but I thought since you said hello, I should too. Shit in my life is crazy, and all that shit with Berto...daaaamn, he didn't tell me shit, and I don't believe it!!! I'm half thinking about going home, for good, leaving everything, but I haven't really told anyone this yet--it's just eating me up form the inside. I smoke and drink too much too by the way, and that's not good. Honestly, drugs don't get rid of any of your problems, they just nub you a bit so you can put up with a few more hours of your life without worrying, stressin, or feeling depressed. I also know what you mean about trusting people--I still make *small* confidences, but, for the most part, if you don't want people knowing shit about your fucking life, keep your own mouth closed--it's hard, but sometimes shit just has to stay inside you know? I used to think that the truth is all there was, and if I didn't tell the truth, I was a fake, but you know what? Life is a whole shit load more complicated than that. I don't conform, and I don't like conforming, but I can't overtly not conform, because The People, Society, stomps on you, make sure you're down on the ground and squirming. Truth is all good--it's important to be honest, but sometimes people don't have to know *everything* because that will only hurt them, and that's pointless. I've changed a lot Sandra, life is hardening me, and making me want to escape it all. I've constructed so much so far, and I'm pretty scared tolet it all go...but the problem is, I'm not 100% ready to leave France yet...although Julie...I love her, but am I still in love with her? It's the same shit I said before I left home to come back to France, and time has passed, and here I am after one year, asking myself the same damn question! If I'm asking myself this question, as often as I am...there's gotta be somehting that's not clicking you know what I mean? I don't feel that passion anymore, and I want to feel it again, and I don't feel that drunkedness you feel when you can't get enough of someone else's lips... I want to feel that again too. I almost forgot what it felt like....I honestly did.
In any case...you're dogin better than I am in regards to money and jobs and whatnot. I'm jobless (got fired for not being maternal enough--whatever, she can go fuck herself and shove her spoiled and coddled little crying brats up her ass for all I fucking care). Anyway..enough viloent langtuage there--honestly, I'm over it, but I wanted to illustrate to you how I felt at the moment. heheheh
In any case, I'm toying with the idea of asking Berto to move in with him if ever I decide that I'm not staying in France. But I don't know yet. If he's too far away from my parents, then maybe not, but, I don't know if living with my parents after all this time away is going tobe a good idea. Plus, I need my little beuze every now and then (PS: beuze is a nick name for weed). I think I'm going to smoke all my life, and I think I'm not goping to have any kids either. I'm too egocentric for that...I want to live my own life, not live my life FOR someone else (namely, kids). But we'll see. I'm just scared that I've changed a little too much...perhaps Julie and I aren't meant for eachother anymore. I don't know. You know that saying about good things coming at the wrong times? Yeha, I feel like that's the story of my life...and lately, it's starting to be ok...what I mean is...if the "good" thing comes at the wrong time, you get to taste it a little, and keep on to your own path. Like, imagine all these amazing individuals who come into my life, and I don't settle down, I would have met THAT MANY MORE amazing individuals in my life...you know? BLAH, in any case, this is long enough. I'm sorry to verbally vomitting on you. ;-) Please keep in touch--I know I suck and never write, but I'm on livejournal, and I'm also on email kirastar@gmail.com
so definitely write me...
love you babe, (and by the way, you can always trust me--I will never go out and gossip or even repeat what you told me...I'm a tomb...because there are things in my life that need to kept in tombs too...and I've built one expressly for this purpose deep within my essence.)
kira