still torn
I know things will be alright, but I have a hard time anyway.
Why do I feel the things I do? Why do I have these choices to make? Too many questions.
And Diallo...where have you been? Whathave you been up to? Where has life taken you, and most importantly, HOW ARE YOU??? The past has it's ways of coming back to us all...throughout our lives. You still think I beat you up in 1st grade..hehe, I remember telling you I didn't hit hard--I was playing around, but apparently, you still think I was one mean little bitch..hehhe, but I love you too, and I still have the bracelet you gave me, and how I would love to see you again.
I once had a tarot card reading, and the person said that I would settle down with soneone I already know. But who knows, life throws it's curve balls, and whooooosh, your life has turned in the beat of an instant...and nothing is the same again. Atthe time, I didn't know she existed, and was hung up on my little mechanic, and now, I'm attached to her, and I'm scared that this attachement is crushing me...yet, hurting her would crush me even more. Part of me wants to let it all go, and just gohome, figure out everythign I left behind, tie up the loose ends of my life at home....but that's just issues I have. Those loose ends will be my downfall, I'm sure of it. Life needs it's loose ends, or else it wouldn't be life, it's be a book. I feel trapped, and this is getting to me. But then again, why can't I be more than just my desires???
Why can't I resist temptation? rather, why do I have to resist all temptation??? Why can't everyone just love? Dammit it all, I just want to do my thing, be happy, and love as many people as I can while I'm trying to just live...and not simply exist. I understand Nadia, but most of the time, understanding is not enough, and most people don't understand THAT. All we want to do is understand understand, dissect until there's nothing left, only to understand. But when there's nothing left but ruins and dust...what will we have accomplished in the end? Destruction. Sometimes being naive is a blessing...and I ressent the naive for their smiles...Christina...how niave she is, nice, but naive, and I can't stand being around her too long...why? Her little smile, her constant "ca va?" oui, oui, OUI BORDELLE DE MERDE, LESSE-MOI TRANQUILLE POUR L'AMOUR DE DIEU!!!!!!!!!! But then I feel bad...why can't I be more open, and just smile back, even if my smile is more pained than hers.
things to do, we can't stop, and I'm tired, but if Istop, I'll get caught in the spokes of Life's wheels, and I'll be crushed. I'm doing all I can to continue to stand up right for the moment...not advance, just stay standing. It's been that hard, and I feel like I'm falling again. the mood swings are coming back, and that familar dead weight against my chest in the mornings are becoming more and more frequent. I'm tired already and I'm not even (a priori) half way done with my life.
Why do I feel the things I do? Why do I have these choices to make? Too many questions.
And Diallo...where have you been? Whathave you been up to? Where has life taken you, and most importantly, HOW ARE YOU??? The past has it's ways of coming back to us all...throughout our lives. You still think I beat you up in 1st grade..hehe, I remember telling you I didn't hit hard--I was playing around, but apparently, you still think I was one mean little bitch..hehhe, but I love you too, and I still have the bracelet you gave me, and how I would love to see you again.
I once had a tarot card reading, and the person said that I would settle down with soneone I already know. But who knows, life throws it's curve balls, and whooooosh, your life has turned in the beat of an instant...and nothing is the same again. Atthe time, I didn't know she existed, and was hung up on my little mechanic, and now, I'm attached to her, and I'm scared that this attachement is crushing me...yet, hurting her would crush me even more. Part of me wants to let it all go, and just gohome, figure out everythign I left behind, tie up the loose ends of my life at home....but that's just issues I have. Those loose ends will be my downfall, I'm sure of it. Life needs it's loose ends, or else it wouldn't be life, it's be a book. I feel trapped, and this is getting to me. But then again, why can't I be more than just my desires???
Why can't I resist temptation? rather, why do I have to resist all temptation??? Why can't everyone just love? Dammit it all, I just want to do my thing, be happy, and love as many people as I can while I'm trying to just live...and not simply exist. I understand Nadia, but most of the time, understanding is not enough, and most people don't understand THAT. All we want to do is understand understand, dissect until there's nothing left, only to understand. But when there's nothing left but ruins and dust...what will we have accomplished in the end? Destruction. Sometimes being naive is a blessing...and I ressent the naive for their smiles...Christina...how niave she is, nice, but naive, and I can't stand being around her too long...why? Her little smile, her constant "ca va?" oui, oui, OUI BORDELLE DE MERDE, LESSE-MOI TRANQUILLE POUR L'AMOUR DE DIEU!!!!!!!!!! But then I feel bad...why can't I be more open, and just smile back, even if my smile is more pained than hers.
things to do, we can't stop, and I'm tired, but if Istop, I'll get caught in the spokes of Life's wheels, and I'll be crushed. I'm doing all I can to continue to stand up right for the moment...not advance, just stay standing. It's been that hard, and I feel like I'm falling again. the mood swings are coming back, and that familar dead weight against my chest in the mornings are becoming more and more frequent. I'm tired already and I'm not even (a priori) half way done with my life.