On the out...
Well, Alex and I have been on the outs since Saturday. I had an epiphany today that I think he doesn't like me for me. When I try to be myself, that's when he usually acts like an ass. Since I feel free to be me when I'm around my friends, I think that's why he coincedentally becomes evil when friends visit. I can only think of one way to really remedy the situation but it's so drastic! I'm not really sure how to start...
Most of reluctance comes down to money. I don't have much and I carry much debt still. I also think my feelings for him are not the same as they were by far. I used to love him so much that I couldn't bear leaving him. We have not been really happy for a long time. I really think our relationship is so damaged by things we've done in the past to each other that we can't seem to overcome them and move on. I feel like it always has to be my decision where we go in our lives...I can't seem to get clear direction from him because he doesn't communicate. I try but it never goes well and we just bury things and lumber on as if nothing really happened. I think we've just grown apart as we've grown older.
I feel somewhat guilty to admit it but I want someone different...that is someone who likes to have fun with friends, someone that isn't so stiff, someone that likes to cuddle and be affectionate, someone that doesn't have a cultural block in their communication style... I don't know that I'll ever find it but it seems Alex is unwilling to provide me these desires.
I feel really numb at the moment...it's almost surreal...like how the hell did I get here and why am I having to deal with all this. It seems so much my brain just shuts down
I need to go meditate for awhile before I go crazy.
Most of reluctance comes down to money. I don't have much and I carry much debt still. I also think my feelings for him are not the same as they were by far. I used to love him so much that I couldn't bear leaving him. We have not been really happy for a long time. I really think our relationship is so damaged by things we've done in the past to each other that we can't seem to overcome them and move on. I feel like it always has to be my decision where we go in our lives...I can't seem to get clear direction from him because he doesn't communicate. I try but it never goes well and we just bury things and lumber on as if nothing really happened. I think we've just grown apart as we've grown older.
I feel somewhat guilty to admit it but I want someone different...that is someone who likes to have fun with friends, someone that isn't so stiff, someone that likes to cuddle and be affectionate, someone that doesn't have a cultural block in their communication style... I don't know that I'll ever find it but it seems Alex is unwilling to provide me these desires.
I feel really numb at the moment...it's almost surreal...like how the hell did I get here and why am I having to deal with all this. It seems so much my brain just shuts down
I need to go meditate for awhile before I go crazy.