Dean and Castiel - a love story [NC17 - 3/?]
Title: A love story [chapter 2/?]
Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
The part of Dean is written by the wonderful Lulu doubledgedsword
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or these characters, they belong to Kripke! May he always keep them well!
Cas had been quivering like a leaf under his hand. Why was he shaking, Dean wondered? Revulsion? Disgust? Fear? Or, a somewhat hopeful voice in his head suggested, desire? Dean felt completely out of his depth. The alcohol was starting to make his head hurt, and he knew he would just handle all this badly if he tried to figure it out now. Wait, he told himself... wait until you're sober, and it's daylight. It's how you always figure things out, otherwise you ask Sammy to research 'em for you, or you ask Bobby for help. Somehow he knew he wouldn't be turning to either of his usual resources for help on this one.
"I like you, too, precious," Dean mumbled. It was true. Cas was his best friend, of course he liked him. He was trying to remind himself of that so he wouldn't have to think about the other strange feelings welling up in his chest, and the slightly more carnal feelings stirring elsewhere. Caressing Castiel's chest had been a mistake, he knew that now. It was so different to touching a woman, with their soft skin and small frames. Castiel's chest was firm under his touch, and he felt a shiver course through him before he had the sense to pull his hand away.
Don't ruin this... he told himself. You've finally got a best friend. Don't ruin this by being stupid and drunk and over-emotional and horny... He should have seen this coming. You come to rely on someone so much, have them know deep secrets that you haven't ever been able to tell your own family, and of course something deeper was bound to develop. He should have known that he had crossed a line somewhere. But was there even a line to cross? Dean liked girls, always had, and up until tonight he had thought he always would. And despite the fact that there were hot girls here tonight (especially the redhead at the pool table in the corner), Dean's attention was fixed entirely on Castiel. Fixed on the strange look in his eyes when he touched his cheek, and the longing look as he turned the touch into a caress. Dean had only patted his cheek to persuade himself not to make more of an ass of himself than he had already... but maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have let the caress be a caress.
He didn't even know why he had to go and tell Cas how much his death had hurt him. His head had been a mess that night, and it was a drunken mess right now. He wasn't thinking so much as he was stumbling across thoughts like bodies laying on the floor. They were his thoughts, but they were jumbled like a ball of string that someone had dropped. He wished he could be a bit more clear.
"Good," he managed to say, at length. "Good... Not goin' nowhere. Good." He nodded as if to reassure himself of that fact, and felt some of the tension dissipate now he was away from Cas. He slouched on the stool and tried to listen to Cas. Not that he was saying much, mind, but Dean could hear a quaver of uncertainty in his voice as he spoke.
So... he couldn't figure this out any more than Dean could. Well, at least he wasn't alone in the confusion he felt. He wanted to ask Cas if he felt... excited when they were close. He had, and he wanted to confirm to himself what Castiel's stance was on all of this, but try as he might, he felt now was not the right time, nor the right place.
"Funny peculiar, not funny ha ha," Dean explained himself. "Funny like things aren't the way they are normally, ya know?" He scratched the back of his neck again and looked up at Cas.
"I think I'm ready to quit this joint, yeah," he replied. "I'll drive." He took the keys to his baby out of his jacket pocket and rattled them meaningfully, swinging his legs out as he slid off the barstool. "Unless you wanna stick around for a bit?" he asked, suddenly remembering that tonight was supposed to be about getting Cas drunk, and he had failed miserably in that so far. Damnit... he could never do what he wanted to do for Cas. Something always got in the way, be it Sammy or Castiel's own angelic inability to get plastered. Dean felt pretty glum right then, and he looked at Cas, an unintended hangdog expression on his face and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you drunk. I tried, I really did... But I let you down again."Cas had been quivering like a leaf under his hand. Why was he shaking, Dean wondered? Revulsion? Disgust? Fear? Or, a somewhat hopeful voice in his head suggested, desire? Dean felt completely out of his depth. The alcohol was starting to make his head hurt, and he knew he would just handle all this badly if he tried to figure it out now. Wait, he told himself... wait until you're sober, and it's daylight. It's how you always figure things out, otherwise you ask Sammy to research 'em for you, or you ask Bobby for help. Somehow he knew he wouldn't be turning to either of his usual resources for help on this one.
"I like you, too, precious," Dean mumbled. It was true. Cas was his best friend, of course he liked him. He was trying to remind himself of that so he wouldn't have to think about the other strange feelings welling up in his chest, and the slightly more carnal feelings stirring elsewhere. Caressing Castiel's chest had been a mistake, he knew that now. It was so different to touching a woman, with their soft skin and small frames. Castiel's chest was firm under his touch, and he felt a shiver course through him before he had the sense to pull his hand away.
[i]Don't ruin this...[/i] he told himself. [i]You've finally got a best friend. Don't ruin this by being stupid and drunk and over-emotional and horny...[/i] He should have seen this coming. You come to rely on someone so much, have them know deep secrets that you haven't ever been able to tell your own family, and of course something deeper was bound to develop. He should have known that he had crossed a line somewhere. But was there even a line to cross? Dean liked girls, always had, and up until tonight he had thought he always would. And despite the fact that there were hot girls here tonight (especially the redhead at the pool table in the corner), Dean's attention was fixed entirely on Castiel. Fixed on the strange look in his eyes when he touched his cheek, and the longing look as he turned the touch into a caress. Dean had only patted his cheek to persuade himself not to make more of an ass of himself than he had already... but maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have let the caress [i]be[/i] a caress.
He didn't even know why he had to go and tell Cas how much his death had hurt him. His head had been a mess that night, and it was a drunken mess right now. He wasn't thinking so much as he was stumbling across thoughts like bodies laying on the floor. They were his thoughts, but they were jumbled like a ball of string that someone had dropped. He wished he could be a bit more clear.
"Good," he managed to say, at length. "Good... Not goin' nowhere. Good." He nodded as if to reassure himself of that fact, and felt some of the tension dissipate now he was away from Cas. He slouched on the stool and tried to listen to Cas. Not that he was saying much, mind, but Dean could hear a quaver of uncertainty in his voice as he spoke.
So... he couldn't figure this out any more than Dean could. Well, at least he wasn't alone in the confusion he felt. He wanted to ask Cas if he felt... excited when they were close. He had, and he wanted to confirm to himself what Castiel's stance was on all of this, but try as he might, he felt now was not the right time, nor the right place.
"Funny peculiar, not funny ha ha," Dean explained himself. "Funny like things aren't the way they are normally, ya know?" He scratched the back of his neck again and looked up at Cas.
"I think I'm ready to quit this joint, yeah," he replied. "I'll drive." He took the keys to his baby out of his jacket pocket and rattled them meaningfully, swinging his legs out as he slid off the barstool. "Unless you wanna stick around for a bit?" he asked, suddenly remembering that tonight was supposed to be about getting Cas drunk, and he had failed miserably in that so far. Damnit... he could never do what he wanted to do for Cas. Something always got in the way, be it Sammy or Castiel's own angelic inability to get plastered. Dean felt pretty glum right then, and he looked at Cas, an unintended hangdog expression on his face and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you drunk. I tried, I really did... But I let you down again."
**************
Castiel frowned, he didn't understand how it had happened but Dean had gone from happy and smiling to looking tired and depressed in minutes. And it tugged at his heart to see the look that was now on his face. And all he wanted in the world was to make Dean smile again. To hug him and make him happy again... but then who was to say hugging him was something that would make Dean happy again. Castiel sighed heavily unsure now of what to do. He took a tentative step closer to Dean, just needing to be near him. The ache that had started the moment Dean had moved away from him seemed to ease up a little as he got within a few feet of Dean again. It was then that he realised just how badly it was going to hurt him when he Dean found out how Castiel was feeling right now and pushed him away as he knew Dean would.
"Is... is that a bad thing Dean? I'm sorry if I've upset you... I ... I didn't mean to make things weird I just..." His voice faded out quietly. He couldn't finish, couldn't say the I just want to be close to you he was thinking as he watched Dean. Was it pain on his face? Had Castiel hurt him by showing him to much of his feelings... Damn it Castiel thought to himself. How could he have been so stupid to hope... to believe for even a moment that mayby... maybe Dean had been feeling the same way as him. Of course he didn't and now he was freaking out and it was all Cas' fault. He'd managed to ruin the best night he'd ever had...
"Dean I'm sorry..." He whispered. He hoped Dean would understand the sorry and they could move on and Castiel could go back to the stoic angel he always had been around Dean and they could just forget all about the hunger that had flashed across Cas' eyes, about the shallow breaths Dean's hand on his chest had caused him, about the moment he really ruined it all and leaned into Dean's palm when clearly the guy had just been patting him like he had seen him do to others many times. Generally not on their faces, he thought, but that was probably just because of how close they'd been standing.
"You're not driving Dean" He said quietly as he raised a hand and the keys flew out of Dean's hand into his. Sometimes being an angel really had its advantages he thought as he waited for Dean to get angry and yell at him to give them back.
"I was only here for you Dean" He said when Dean asked if he wanted to stay longer. And he couldn't help but smile a little sadly at Dean at his next comment. "You're not seriously blaming yourself for my not getting drunk are you? Dean I'm an angel, no one on earth could get me drunk. You're the only person on it however who could even get me to think about trying, let alone actually try. And you've nothing to be sorry about. I was having the best night of my life up until I...." He stopped himself then and didn't let the screwed it up that hang on the tip of his tongue fall from his mouth.
"You have never let me down Dean, not really." He said honestly. He was remembering what he'd said to Dean in Bobby's hospital room and his face went stiff and his eye's hard as he glanced at the floor for a moment. He had been angry and hurting after killing his brothers. And Dean not taking his quest to find god seriously had annoyed him. He had said it before he could stop himself and now he wished so badly that he had not. "Dean" He started. He wanted to explain that he had not meant it. That he had not lost everything, that Dean hadn't failed him. "What I said at the hospital..." He paused and watched not able to continue because he had no idea what he wanted to say. And he wasn't sure Dean was in the mood for that conversation right now.
"Let me take you home Dean...." He murmured softly as his eyes softened and he took another step toward Dean, resting a hand gently on his upper arm. "Please?" He didn't know what exactly he was asking for here. All he knew was that to him it felt like a good deal more than that Dean let him drop him off at his motel. It felt like he was asking for permission, permission to stay, to be with Dean, not sexually, he knew Dean didn't want that. And he had no idea how to go about that anyway. And maybe not even emotionally. He knew Dean would never love him the way Castiel loved Dean. No, what he was asking for was just permission to stay and be there for Dean if he needed him. He would more than happily just sit and watch Dean sleep, protect him, keep him safe. Because for Castiel, that was all he had left that mattered to him. Even finding god and stopping Lucifer seem to pale in comparison in this moment.
***************
Dean was starting to feel very strange... slightly fuzzy, and somewhat unreal. He put it down to the drink he had taken, and found himself wanting to grab a hold of Castiel again, just to reassure himself that they were both actually there, and maybe just to let himself feel close to him once more. As Cas approached him, his movements wary as though he anticipated being attacked, Dean swallowed a lump in his throat when he saw the pain is Castiel's eyes.
"You didn't upset me, Cas," he said, his brow furrowing in confusion. Wasn't he the one who had made things a bit weird? "Why would you think you'd upset me?" He was trying to keep a grip on that thought. Had he done something to make Cas think he was in a bad mood? Christ, he wasn't sure any more. He wished he hadn't drunk quite so much. He had hurt Cas without realising it, and that thought made him feel sick.
"Don't be sorry, you haven't done nothin'..." Dean said, confusing himself with the double negative. Too confused and drunk to try sort his shambling thoughts into coherent words, he just put his arms around Cas in a man-hug. Oh noooo... major mistake. Now all he could think of was how good this felt, how Castiel's hair smelled, the stubble on his chin that he could see clearly now he was this close... Freaked out at his own thoughts and emotions, he patted Cas on the back awkwardly and let him go, faking a friendly smile when he stepped back. "You've nothin' to apologise for, Cas," he said firmly.
Cas took his keys. He had actually taken the keys to the Impala. The nerve! The unmitigated GALL! Dean glared at Cas until he thought of something to say.
"I'm prefetcly pacable of drivering," Dean said, then seemed to realise he had screwed up the words. "An' nobody touches my baby 'cept for me." He reached out to grab the keys, but pulled his hand away when he felt that same electric jolt as he got close to Castiel again.
"F-for me?" Dean said under his breath. Surely he was reading into that wrongly. There was no way that an angel would think of him that way, no matter how happy the thought made his confused little brain. He listened to Castiel talk, his heart pounding madly as he listened to words that shouldn't have filled him with a wild thrill, but did. "Up until...?" Dean pressed. "Did I ruin the night for you with my stupid drunkennesssss?" He stopped himself slurring the s, and looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him. Making an idjit of himself yet again. What would John Winchester think if he could see him now?
Cas was reassuring him, telling him he had never really let him down. Not really able to accept that, because he was still beating himself up over the whole sordid affair, he merely nodded and looked down at the floor. It seemed less wobbly when Cas was nearby. He wondered would it seem to lurch if he made contact with the angel's skin again.
He almost groaned as Castiel stepped closer to him. He was trying to ignore the electricity that seemed to build every time he came nearer, and then Castiel went and knocked all the wind out of him with that simple gesture, and even simpler question. Castiel's hand felt like it was burning through the leather of his jacket, through the t-shirt and onto his skin, and Dean realised it was exactly the spot on his left arm where Cas had gripped him and raised him from Hell. He looked as Cas, and said quietly, "Okay. Let's go home."
Those four words seemed to hang in the air with a greater meaning than he realised, but he knew he was saying yes to more than just a designated driver taking him back to the motel. His eyes told the depth of emotion he was currently feeling, and he managed to smile at Cas. They were going home.
***************
"If it wasn't me Dean then why do you look so... confused and sad right now?" He asked quietly with a shake of his head. It was not making any sense to him, he was the only one there with Dean and if it had not been him who had ruined things, then who could it have been. He felt tired for the first time in a long time. Not physically, he never got tired in that way. But emotionally, yeah that he could feel with the best of them he was starting to realise. And right now all the things running through his mind, all the emotions attacking his mind and body. He just wanted to fix what ever he'd broken between the two of them. But he didn't know how to start. And he wasn't sure he could even if he did know. See the problem was, he wanted Dean, he needed him like the other man needed oxygen and now that Castiel had realised it. Now that he'd almost for a brief second thought that maybe, just maybe, Dean wanted him too....
He was not sure he could go back from that feeling. He was not sure he wanted to, right now or ever. And he was completely sure he never wanted to forget how it felt to have Dean pressed against him, have his hand on his chest gently caressing, have his palm against the flesh of his face. No he never wanted to forget that. It was precious to him, just like his Dean was.
He was about to speak again when the words caught in his throat and he felt like he'd been sucker punched hard in the gut when he felt Dean's strong arms wrap around him in a hug. It took him a moment to even realise he'd done it. That Dean was standing pressed against him, holding him. Cas, after a moment of tensing from the surprised, all but melted against Dean, his arms wrapping gently around the other man in return. His head coming to rest in the crook of the hunters neck. He held on to Dean like he had never wanted to hold anything so much in his life and he felt dizzy. Actually dizzy. He didn't realise he was even capable of feeling dizzy but apparently Dean could do things to him no human... or angel for that matter, should've been able to do. And Castiel loved that fact.
But it was over way to soon, Dean pulled back from him again and the look on his face told Castiel clearly that he regretted the move. That he wished he'd not hugged him. And it made the angel want to whimper in pain. Was it his reaction to it that had scared Dean off even more.. "Damn it" He breathed out to himself more than anything. But he was sure Dean would be able to hear it. "Dean" He all but moaned at him, his eyes looking a little wild and desperate as he was seriously starting to lose his grip on sanity here. "What the hell is going on, what are you talking about? You have done nothing..." But Cas couldn't finish, he couldn't tell Dean he'd done nothing to upset him because... well it was exactly Dean's doing nothing that was upsetting him... then again, maybe it was more the fact that Dean had been doing things to him. Just not for the reasons Castiel desperately wanted him to do them.
Anything else Castiel was going to say was pushed to the back of his mind as Dean made an angry swipe for his keys but Cas' grip was strong and he kept held of them easily and a soft smile touched his eyes again. "Yes you sound perfectly fine to drive Dean." He said with more than a little sarcasm in his voice. Another human characteristic he was picking up from spending so much time around Dean. It always came back to Dean... "I will not touch your baby Dean. In case you have forgotten I do not need a car to get us back to your motel." He smiled them, his eyes sparkling as he just shook his head. He could see Dean struggling with the drunkenness and the confusion of what was happening tonight. It was all there behind his eyes and Castiel thought for a moment of wiping out the drink from his system, sobering him up with a touch. It would be simple enough for him. But what then? Dean sober, ok to drive... he wouldn't need Cas anymore tonight.
Just as he decided he was not going to put his own desire above helping Dean he opened his mouth to offer his solution to Dean's problem when Dean answered his question. Cas' hand still on Dean's arm. Over the very mark he had given him, his mark. And damn it if he didn't love the fact that Dean was marked with his mark right now. And the answer he got made him sort of tremble again. Dean had said yes, had told him he could take him home. That he could be there for him. He had said yes.... "Thank you" Was all Castiel could manage to mutter out as he stared at Dean a little shock written in his eyes. But he wasn't about to question it.
He gripped Dean's arm tighter and pulled him closer to him. To close, much closer than Castiel needed him for what he was about to do, as he stood and stared into those green eyes he had grown to love so much... he couldn't bring himself to care, or to move away. Instead he wrapped an arm around Dean's waist again, something he really didn't need to do for this to work, and gave the man a questioning look. "Ready?" He asked quietly. "Or... or would you rather... I can help sober you up, you could drive yourself home?" He didn't know why he added it. This other option that would take Dean away from him. He figured that part of him wanted Dean to let him do this because he wanted him. Not because he was drunk and had no other choice. Castiel's tone couldn't have made it any more clear which option he wanted Dean to chose. And that he had only offered for Dean, not because he wanted him to pick that option in anyway. He only hoped Dean realised that and he tried to convey the message in his eyes as he looked at the taller man carefully, waiting for his answer. Not even breathing and trying to ignore the amazing feeling and warmth of having his arm around Dean again.
***********
Cas actually cared that he looked sad. Dean was touched by that. As if knowing that Cas had died for him, and had rebelled against Heaven for him wasn't touching enough. You could write off the two biggies as Castiel developing his own sense of humanity, if you really wanted to. If you looked deeper, you could see the love that was the real motivation behind each gesture. Dean's head was whirling. Was it possible for an angel to love a human?
He remembered something he had read in the Bible not too long ago, while he and Sam were looking for information about the Apocalypse. Angels had fallen in love with humans, before Lucifer's fall, and they had spawned a race called the Nephilim. So they could fall in love, if you went by the lore. But Dean was beyond perplexed now. His thoughts were definitely muddier than they had been earlier on, but there were still patches of clarity. This was one of those patches, but the reason he was thinking about angels falling in love was no longer clear to him.
"It wasn't you, trust me," Dean said. His mouth was going without his brain processing the thoughts first, and this was either going to end up fixing everything or ruining everything beyond repair. "I can't figure out whass goin' on!" he groaned. "And I'm sad because you look sad, and I didn't mean to make you sad, and I'm sorry I made you sad!"
He wondered how many times he had just said "sad", and made a face. It wasn't as eloquent as he had hoped it would be, but hell, he had said it now. He just hoped Cas would realise that it was nothing Cas had done that made him look that way... It was his own stupid head, seeing things where there were clearly no things to be seen.
Yes, he regretted hugging Castiel. Not because it had felt amazing, but only because he was making everything worse for himself. He was confusing himself more and more, and in all likelihood confusing Castiel into the bargain. The moan in Castiel's voice as he said his name did NOT set the hairs on the back of his neck on end, just as it didn't give him gooseflesh. He clenched his teeth to stop himself moaning in turn. He refused to answer, and instead swiped for his keys. He couldn't answer Cas without revealing exactly what he was feeling, and going by how well he was expressing himself right now (through the magic of beer and traumatised livers) he would only end up insulting Cas without meaning to, and that was the last thing he wanted. He really did care about Castiel, and he never wanted to see that agonised look on his face again. Sometimes, Cas becoming more human was a bad thing. He never looked like that when he was still all militant and loyal.
"Can you get her back to the motel too?" he asked, a concerned pout on his face. He was loathe to leave the Impala behind, and definitely when he thought about any of the yahoos in this bar pawing his beloved car while he wasn't there to protect her. Sometimes even Dean worried about his own sanity when he thought too hard about his feelings for his car, but he always reminded himself that it was an awesome car, and an heirloom from his Dad. He had every right to be protective of her.
Castiel's hand on his arm knocked all worry about the car from his mind. The scar from his hand felt almost raw under his touch, and Dean flinched a little. He instantly regretted that. It would make Castiel look sad again. He relaxed a little, and the electricity of their contact felt less caustic, and more enjoyable. He gave a sort of half sigh, and leaned against Cas when his hand slipped about his waist for the second time that evening. If he didn't fight the feeling, didn't feel trepidation of it happening... it felt powerful, and right, and better than anything he'd ever felt on earth.
"Don't sober me up. It'll feel weird. Just... keep a hold of me, and let's go home." He was somewhat surprised by how insistent he was that they go home this way. No car, just him and Cas. It was unlikely that they'd walk, and more likely that Cas would do his freaky sha-na-na-na-na angelic teleportation thing, but at least it would just be the two of them. "B'sides... you'll just go away if I'm sober. Can't have that," Dean slurred a little. Despite the drink, despite his addled brains... he knew he wanted Cas to come with him. He wanted to be with him, and keep him close.
He almost laughed at himself. Hoboy. Dean Winchester was in trouble now. It had been obvious all along, but all he needed was for his brain to loosen up, just as he had been trying to get Cas to do, and to get over himself and realise what was going on. He smiled at Cas, looking more relaxed now. It was like all the ignorance had fallen away from him, and he felt blissfully happy right now.
"Come on, precious," he said softly.
***********
Castiel felt the smile return to his face as Dean asked if he could make sure his car was safe as well and he nodded gently. "I think I'll manage that. Pulled you out of..." he stopped, he decided he really didn't want to mention hell right now. Dean didn't need anymore reminders of it. And Castiel didn't need to think about the sight of Dean when he'd finally reached him after one of the most violent battles of his life. Neither of them needed to be thinking about that right now. So he stopped and turned his thoughts to Dean's insisting it wasn't something he had done that had freaked him out. He wanted so badly to believe him and he almost did... almost
Part of him still thought that it was more likely that Dean was upset by how Cas had been acting but just didn't want to embarrass them both by admitting it. Or maybe Dean was being honest. Castiel just really couldn't tell anymore. God he would do almost anything to know what Dean was thinking right now. What he was really thinking. He let the topic of who had upset who drop without saying anything other than a simple "I'm not upset Dean" Whispered gently as he gazed into the mans eyes.
He felt his breath catch in his lungs as he felt Dean lean into him when he had put his arm around him rather than pulling away. And that small movement almost made him want to bury his head in Dean's neck and cry. The fact Dean wanted to be closer to him, that he wasn't pushing him off asking what all the touching was about made him so happy. At the same time he was terrified still. And all the conflicting emotion was starting to get to him. He would either have to break down and just tell Dean how he felt or he would have to leave and gather his wits about him again before he could handle being around Dean. He hated the thought of either idea right now... so at the moment he decided to cling to the belief that he could handle it all if he just did what he'd done for most of his existence, until Dean... and close himself off, shut the emotions down. Yes! That is what he would do.
And he did, was doing it, doing a great job of it, his breathing was returning to normal, his body wasn't so tense. His face became a little harder and more his normal Castiel soldier of god face. His arm even lightened its grip on Dean, though it didn't let him go... Well it's a start anyway.... And then Dean started talking again. Oh man why did he have to start talking again, just when Cas was pulling himself together, ready now for if Dean told him to sober him up and let him go. Which, by the way, is exactly what he was expecting him to say... But he was wrong, god was he wrong. And he felt it all crumble around him. All his power of suppression, all his cold hearted emotionless warrior of god defenses fell around him so resolutely he was surprised he was able to stand up still under the weight of it. Why did Dean have the power to do these things to him with nothing more than a touch, a word, a look... Oh yeah thats right, Cas reminded himself angrily, You love him you idiot. Now just tell him.... tell him.
The words repeated themselves over and over in his head as his breathing caught again and he all but moaned against Dean's neck. Deans neck? When in the name of God had his face ended up pressed against Dean's neck, snuggled in like it belonged there. He couldn't remember, maybe when his walls had been shattering, Dean telling him he wanted to stay drunk because he wanted Cas to come home with him. Wanted him not to leave him.
"If you wanted me there Dean, I would come with you whether you needed me to get home or not." He whispered gently against the mans skin, his lips sparking and tingling at the feather light contact with Deans skin. Oh god how he just wanted to lean in that little bit more and kiss his lips to Dean's neck. Just to show him how much he meant it, how much he wanted to be with him, where ever he wanted to lead him. How much he loved him. "Always with you" He murmured to himself more than Dean. Because he needed to hear what the words sounded like aloud. He wasn't sure exactly when he'd moved them, all he knew was that when he was finally ready to open his eyes and lift his head from Dean's neck, the bar had faded around them and they were standing in Dean's shabby, cheap hotel room in the complete dark. Something that was not a problem for Cas, he could see perfectly. Something he thought might be an issue for, a more than a little drunk, Dean Winchester. So he let Dean go without even looking at him, he was not sure he wanted to see the look on his face right now. The one that he was sure must be somewhere close to disgust at the fact that Castiel had all but kissed his neck while he'd told him how much he wanted to be near him. He was beside the light switch before Dean could have even blinked and he turned them on quickly. They didn't do all that much to lighten the place really, a dirty, dim, orange light flooded the room and made it look even more depressing than before. To Castiel right now it was about the most beautiful room he'd ever stood in. And that was all he could do right now. Stand at the side of the room next to the front door and look at Dean's back. The man still hadn't turned round. Though that could have been because they'd actually only been standing in the room for a few seconds.
"Your car is out side" He said quietly but more firmly than anything he'd said in a while. He sounded more himself with those words. Even if he was still falling apart inside, he could still make Dean believe he was ok and back to normal. Maybe he could convince him that it must have been something at the bar making him act like an idiot and that he was sorry he'd put him through all that shit.
"Dean?" He asked when the man still didn't react to him. A moment of panic hit Castiel as he wondered what was wrong...
**************
Dean may have been drunk, but he couldn't help but notice Castiel's almost slip-up. He was just so grateful to be out of hell that he didn't care if Cas mentioned it. He had never really asked what exactly Cas had to do to pull him out of there, and he supposed he never would. It seemed like a bit of a social faux pas, like not asking someone why exactly they had needed surgery. You knew the answer, and it wasn't a pleasant one to discuss. You knew that you'd offend them, so you avoided it. Dean could be tactless, but he wasn't a complete jerk.
The friendly "helping you home" buddy embrace had changed somehow. Dean was frozen. Not out of fear, or revulsion, but because he didn't know how to react. If it was a girl snuggling against his neck like that, he would have known exactly what to do, and how to make sure she went away calling him "Dean 'best night of my life' Winchester" to all of her friends. But this was Cas... his friend, his angel, his precious... and he was pressed against his neck as though he was the drunk needing assistance. All that was missing was Cas drooling and saying "You're my besht friend, ya know that? I love ya man..." and then barfing everywhere. Dean half smirked at the mental image of a drunk and droopy Cas, and he put his own arm around Castiel's waist. Merely to make sure he didn't fall. That was it.
Whispered words against his throat... Dean could hardly make them out, but they electrocuted him. A shiver passed up his spine and tingled across his scalp, setting his hair almost standing on end, and his hand gripped the fabric of Cas' trench coat like his life depended on it. It was more erotic than any love bite had ever felt, and more intimate than an actual kiss. Dean actually felt his eyes roll back in his head. Jesus... what was he doing to him?
When he opened them again, Cas had stepped away from him. It was dark, and he wasn't sure where he was. He was, however, grateful for the darkness, because it hid the evidence of his arousal from view. He wanted more than anything for Cas to come back, to do that again. He almost wailed with disappointment, feeling the lack of his body against his acutely.
Where was Cas gone? Had he just done a stop and drop, and flown off wherever? Dean couldn't hear him, and his eyes were still adjusting to the darkness. If Cas had gone, it was nothing he didn't deserve. He had taken too much meaning from his innocent words, and allowed himself to get hot under the collar for no reason. He wished fervently that Cas would come back so he could make amends...
But no, there was a soft noise behind him, and when the lamp was turned on he knew that Castiel hadn't abandoned him. He couldn't bring himself to speak. He was still reeling from the reality of what had just happened. That intimate, incredible touch of Castiel's lips against had filled him with a desire he had never thought possible. He couldn't even turn to face him. He was so sure that Cas would be sickened if he could see what his touch had done to him.
He grinned when Cas said the car was safe. He almost wished he could see the security cameras, just to see what a sudden Impala disappearence looked like. Cas hadn't let him down.
Castiel's voice was strange when he called his name, and Dean forced himself to turn and look at him. His expression must have been a sight, because he was feeling confusion, desire and mad lust as he looked at Castiel. Fucking hell... If that didn't scare Cas off, Dean didn't know what he was going to do next. Give in, probably. Give in and to hell with the consequences. He wanted to touch Cas again. He wanted it so badly it felt like a physical pain to be this far away from him.
"Cas..." he said quietly. "C'mere."
*************
part 4a :D
Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
The part of Dean is written by the wonderful Lulu doubledgedsword
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or these characters, they belong to Kripke! May he always keep them well!
Cas had been quivering like a leaf under his hand. Why was he shaking, Dean wondered? Revulsion? Disgust? Fear? Or, a somewhat hopeful voice in his head suggested, desire? Dean felt completely out of his depth. The alcohol was starting to make his head hurt, and he knew he would just handle all this badly if he tried to figure it out now. Wait, he told himself... wait until you're sober, and it's daylight. It's how you always figure things out, otherwise you ask Sammy to research 'em for you, or you ask Bobby for help. Somehow he knew he wouldn't be turning to either of his usual resources for help on this one.
"I like you, too, precious," Dean mumbled. It was true. Cas was his best friend, of course he liked him. He was trying to remind himself of that so he wouldn't have to think about the other strange feelings welling up in his chest, and the slightly more carnal feelings stirring elsewhere. Caressing Castiel's chest had been a mistake, he knew that now. It was so different to touching a woman, with their soft skin and small frames. Castiel's chest was firm under his touch, and he felt a shiver course through him before he had the sense to pull his hand away.
Don't ruin this... he told himself. You've finally got a best friend. Don't ruin this by being stupid and drunk and over-emotional and horny... He should have seen this coming. You come to rely on someone so much, have them know deep secrets that you haven't ever been able to tell your own family, and of course something deeper was bound to develop. He should have known that he had crossed a line somewhere. But was there even a line to cross? Dean liked girls, always had, and up until tonight he had thought he always would. And despite the fact that there were hot girls here tonight (especially the redhead at the pool table in the corner), Dean's attention was fixed entirely on Castiel. Fixed on the strange look in his eyes when he touched his cheek, and the longing look as he turned the touch into a caress. Dean had only patted his cheek to persuade himself not to make more of an ass of himself than he had already... but maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have let the caress be a caress.
He didn't even know why he had to go and tell Cas how much his death had hurt him. His head had been a mess that night, and it was a drunken mess right now. He wasn't thinking so much as he was stumbling across thoughts like bodies laying on the floor. They were his thoughts, but they were jumbled like a ball of string that someone had dropped. He wished he could be a bit more clear.
"Good," he managed to say, at length. "Good... Not goin' nowhere. Good." He nodded as if to reassure himself of that fact, and felt some of the tension dissipate now he was away from Cas. He slouched on the stool and tried to listen to Cas. Not that he was saying much, mind, but Dean could hear a quaver of uncertainty in his voice as he spoke.
So... he couldn't figure this out any more than Dean could. Well, at least he wasn't alone in the confusion he felt. He wanted to ask Cas if he felt... excited when they were close. He had, and he wanted to confirm to himself what Castiel's stance was on all of this, but try as he might, he felt now was not the right time, nor the right place.
"Funny peculiar, not funny ha ha," Dean explained himself. "Funny like things aren't the way they are normally, ya know?" He scratched the back of his neck again and looked up at Cas.
"I think I'm ready to quit this joint, yeah," he replied. "I'll drive." He took the keys to his baby out of his jacket pocket and rattled them meaningfully, swinging his legs out as he slid off the barstool. "Unless you wanna stick around for a bit?" he asked, suddenly remembering that tonight was supposed to be about getting Cas drunk, and he had failed miserably in that so far. Damnit... he could never do what he wanted to do for Cas. Something always got in the way, be it Sammy or Castiel's own angelic inability to get plastered. Dean felt pretty glum right then, and he looked at Cas, an unintended hangdog expression on his face and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you drunk. I tried, I really did... But I let you down again."Cas had been quivering like a leaf under his hand. Why was he shaking, Dean wondered? Revulsion? Disgust? Fear? Or, a somewhat hopeful voice in his head suggested, desire? Dean felt completely out of his depth. The alcohol was starting to make his head hurt, and he knew he would just handle all this badly if he tried to figure it out now. Wait, he told himself... wait until you're sober, and it's daylight. It's how you always figure things out, otherwise you ask Sammy to research 'em for you, or you ask Bobby for help. Somehow he knew he wouldn't be turning to either of his usual resources for help on this one.
"I like you, too, precious," Dean mumbled. It was true. Cas was his best friend, of course he liked him. He was trying to remind himself of that so he wouldn't have to think about the other strange feelings welling up in his chest, and the slightly more carnal feelings stirring elsewhere. Caressing Castiel's chest had been a mistake, he knew that now. It was so different to touching a woman, with their soft skin and small frames. Castiel's chest was firm under his touch, and he felt a shiver course through him before he had the sense to pull his hand away.
[i]Don't ruin this...[/i] he told himself. [i]You've finally got a best friend. Don't ruin this by being stupid and drunk and over-emotional and horny...[/i] He should have seen this coming. You come to rely on someone so much, have them know deep secrets that you haven't ever been able to tell your own family, and of course something deeper was bound to develop. He should have known that he had crossed a line somewhere. But was there even a line to cross? Dean liked girls, always had, and up until tonight he had thought he always would. And despite the fact that there were hot girls here tonight (especially the redhead at the pool table in the corner), Dean's attention was fixed entirely on Castiel. Fixed on the strange look in his eyes when he touched his cheek, and the longing look as he turned the touch into a caress. Dean had only patted his cheek to persuade himself not to make more of an ass of himself than he had already... but maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have let the caress [i]be[/i] a caress.
He didn't even know why he had to go and tell Cas how much his death had hurt him. His head had been a mess that night, and it was a drunken mess right now. He wasn't thinking so much as he was stumbling across thoughts like bodies laying on the floor. They were his thoughts, but they were jumbled like a ball of string that someone had dropped. He wished he could be a bit more clear.
"Good," he managed to say, at length. "Good... Not goin' nowhere. Good." He nodded as if to reassure himself of that fact, and felt some of the tension dissipate now he was away from Cas. He slouched on the stool and tried to listen to Cas. Not that he was saying much, mind, but Dean could hear a quaver of uncertainty in his voice as he spoke.
So... he couldn't figure this out any more than Dean could. Well, at least he wasn't alone in the confusion he felt. He wanted to ask Cas if he felt... excited when they were close. He had, and he wanted to confirm to himself what Castiel's stance was on all of this, but try as he might, he felt now was not the right time, nor the right place.
"Funny peculiar, not funny ha ha," Dean explained himself. "Funny like things aren't the way they are normally, ya know?" He scratched the back of his neck again and looked up at Cas.
"I think I'm ready to quit this joint, yeah," he replied. "I'll drive." He took the keys to his baby out of his jacket pocket and rattled them meaningfully, swinging his legs out as he slid off the barstool. "Unless you wanna stick around for a bit?" he asked, suddenly remembering that tonight was supposed to be about getting Cas drunk, and he had failed miserably in that so far. Damnit... he could never do what he wanted to do for Cas. Something always got in the way, be it Sammy or Castiel's own angelic inability to get plastered. Dean felt pretty glum right then, and he looked at Cas, an unintended hangdog expression on his face and said, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you drunk. I tried, I really did... But I let you down again."
**************
Castiel frowned, he didn't understand how it had happened but Dean had gone from happy and smiling to looking tired and depressed in minutes. And it tugged at his heart to see the look that was now on his face. And all he wanted in the world was to make Dean smile again. To hug him and make him happy again... but then who was to say hugging him was something that would make Dean happy again. Castiel sighed heavily unsure now of what to do. He took a tentative step closer to Dean, just needing to be near him. The ache that had started the moment Dean had moved away from him seemed to ease up a little as he got within a few feet of Dean again. It was then that he realised just how badly it was going to hurt him when he Dean found out how Castiel was feeling right now and pushed him away as he knew Dean would.
"Is... is that a bad thing Dean? I'm sorry if I've upset you... I ... I didn't mean to make things weird I just..." His voice faded out quietly. He couldn't finish, couldn't say the I just want to be close to you he was thinking as he watched Dean. Was it pain on his face? Had Castiel hurt him by showing him to much of his feelings... Damn it Castiel thought to himself. How could he have been so stupid to hope... to believe for even a moment that mayby... maybe Dean had been feeling the same way as him. Of course he didn't and now he was freaking out and it was all Cas' fault. He'd managed to ruin the best night he'd ever had...
"Dean I'm sorry..." He whispered. He hoped Dean would understand the sorry and they could move on and Castiel could go back to the stoic angel he always had been around Dean and they could just forget all about the hunger that had flashed across Cas' eyes, about the shallow breaths Dean's hand on his chest had caused him, about the moment he really ruined it all and leaned into Dean's palm when clearly the guy had just been patting him like he had seen him do to others many times. Generally not on their faces, he thought, but that was probably just because of how close they'd been standing.
"You're not driving Dean" He said quietly as he raised a hand and the keys flew out of Dean's hand into his. Sometimes being an angel really had its advantages he thought as he waited for Dean to get angry and yell at him to give them back.
"I was only here for you Dean" He said when Dean asked if he wanted to stay longer. And he couldn't help but smile a little sadly at Dean at his next comment. "You're not seriously blaming yourself for my not getting drunk are you? Dean I'm an angel, no one on earth could get me drunk. You're the only person on it however who could even get me to think about trying, let alone actually try. And you've nothing to be sorry about. I was having the best night of my life up until I...." He stopped himself then and didn't let the screwed it up that hang on the tip of his tongue fall from his mouth.
"You have never let me down Dean, not really." He said honestly. He was remembering what he'd said to Dean in Bobby's hospital room and his face went stiff and his eye's hard as he glanced at the floor for a moment. He had been angry and hurting after killing his brothers. And Dean not taking his quest to find god seriously had annoyed him. He had said it before he could stop himself and now he wished so badly that he had not. "Dean" He started. He wanted to explain that he had not meant it. That he had not lost everything, that Dean hadn't failed him. "What I said at the hospital..." He paused and watched not able to continue because he had no idea what he wanted to say. And he wasn't sure Dean was in the mood for that conversation right now.
"Let me take you home Dean...." He murmured softly as his eyes softened and he took another step toward Dean, resting a hand gently on his upper arm. "Please?" He didn't know what exactly he was asking for here. All he knew was that to him it felt like a good deal more than that Dean let him drop him off at his motel. It felt like he was asking for permission, permission to stay, to be with Dean, not sexually, he knew Dean didn't want that. And he had no idea how to go about that anyway. And maybe not even emotionally. He knew Dean would never love him the way Castiel loved Dean. No, what he was asking for was just permission to stay and be there for Dean if he needed him. He would more than happily just sit and watch Dean sleep, protect him, keep him safe. Because for Castiel, that was all he had left that mattered to him. Even finding god and stopping Lucifer seem to pale in comparison in this moment.
***************
Dean was starting to feel very strange... slightly fuzzy, and somewhat unreal. He put it down to the drink he had taken, and found himself wanting to grab a hold of Castiel again, just to reassure himself that they were both actually there, and maybe just to let himself feel close to him once more. As Cas approached him, his movements wary as though he anticipated being attacked, Dean swallowed a lump in his throat when he saw the pain is Castiel's eyes.
"You didn't upset me, Cas," he said, his brow furrowing in confusion. Wasn't he the one who had made things a bit weird? "Why would you think you'd upset me?" He was trying to keep a grip on that thought. Had he done something to make Cas think he was in a bad mood? Christ, he wasn't sure any more. He wished he hadn't drunk quite so much. He had hurt Cas without realising it, and that thought made him feel sick.
"Don't be sorry, you haven't done nothin'..." Dean said, confusing himself with the double negative. Too confused and drunk to try sort his shambling thoughts into coherent words, he just put his arms around Cas in a man-hug. Oh noooo... major mistake. Now all he could think of was how good this felt, how Castiel's hair smelled, the stubble on his chin that he could see clearly now he was this close... Freaked out at his own thoughts and emotions, he patted Cas on the back awkwardly and let him go, faking a friendly smile when he stepped back. "You've nothin' to apologise for, Cas," he said firmly.
Cas took his keys. He had actually taken the keys to the Impala. The nerve! The unmitigated GALL! Dean glared at Cas until he thought of something to say.
"I'm prefetcly pacable of drivering," Dean said, then seemed to realise he had screwed up the words. "An' nobody touches my baby 'cept for me." He reached out to grab the keys, but pulled his hand away when he felt that same electric jolt as he got close to Castiel again.
"F-for me?" Dean said under his breath. Surely he was reading into that wrongly. There was no way that an angel would think of him that way, no matter how happy the thought made his confused little brain. He listened to Castiel talk, his heart pounding madly as he listened to words that shouldn't have filled him with a wild thrill, but did. "Up until...?" Dean pressed. "Did I ruin the night for you with my stupid drunkennesssss?" He stopped himself slurring the s, and looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him. Making an idjit of himself yet again. What would John Winchester think if he could see him now?
Cas was reassuring him, telling him he had never really let him down. Not really able to accept that, because he was still beating himself up over the whole sordid affair, he merely nodded and looked down at the floor. It seemed less wobbly when Cas was nearby. He wondered would it seem to lurch if he made contact with the angel's skin again.
He almost groaned as Castiel stepped closer to him. He was trying to ignore the electricity that seemed to build every time he came nearer, and then Castiel went and knocked all the wind out of him with that simple gesture, and even simpler question. Castiel's hand felt like it was burning through the leather of his jacket, through the t-shirt and onto his skin, and Dean realised it was exactly the spot on his left arm where Cas had gripped him and raised him from Hell. He looked as Cas, and said quietly, "Okay. Let's go home."
Those four words seemed to hang in the air with a greater meaning than he realised, but he knew he was saying yes to more than just a designated driver taking him back to the motel. His eyes told the depth of emotion he was currently feeling, and he managed to smile at Cas. They were going home.
***************
"If it wasn't me Dean then why do you look so... confused and sad right now?" He asked quietly with a shake of his head. It was not making any sense to him, he was the only one there with Dean and if it had not been him who had ruined things, then who could it have been. He felt tired for the first time in a long time. Not physically, he never got tired in that way. But emotionally, yeah that he could feel with the best of them he was starting to realise. And right now all the things running through his mind, all the emotions attacking his mind and body. He just wanted to fix what ever he'd broken between the two of them. But he didn't know how to start. And he wasn't sure he could even if he did know. See the problem was, he wanted Dean, he needed him like the other man needed oxygen and now that Castiel had realised it. Now that he'd almost for a brief second thought that maybe, just maybe, Dean wanted him too....
He was not sure he could go back from that feeling. He was not sure he wanted to, right now or ever. And he was completely sure he never wanted to forget how it felt to have Dean pressed against him, have his hand on his chest gently caressing, have his palm against the flesh of his face. No he never wanted to forget that. It was precious to him, just like his Dean was.
He was about to speak again when the words caught in his throat and he felt like he'd been sucker punched hard in the gut when he felt Dean's strong arms wrap around him in a hug. It took him a moment to even realise he'd done it. That Dean was standing pressed against him, holding him. Cas, after a moment of tensing from the surprised, all but melted against Dean, his arms wrapping gently around the other man in return. His head coming to rest in the crook of the hunters neck. He held on to Dean like he had never wanted to hold anything so much in his life and he felt dizzy. Actually dizzy. He didn't realise he was even capable of feeling dizzy but apparently Dean could do things to him no human... or angel for that matter, should've been able to do. And Castiel loved that fact.
But it was over way to soon, Dean pulled back from him again and the look on his face told Castiel clearly that he regretted the move. That he wished he'd not hugged him. And it made the angel want to whimper in pain. Was it his reaction to it that had scared Dean off even more.. "Damn it" He breathed out to himself more than anything. But he was sure Dean would be able to hear it. "Dean" He all but moaned at him, his eyes looking a little wild and desperate as he was seriously starting to lose his grip on sanity here. "What the hell is going on, what are you talking about? You have done nothing..." But Cas couldn't finish, he couldn't tell Dean he'd done nothing to upset him because... well it was exactly Dean's doing nothing that was upsetting him... then again, maybe it was more the fact that Dean had been doing things to him. Just not for the reasons Castiel desperately wanted him to do them.
Anything else Castiel was going to say was pushed to the back of his mind as Dean made an angry swipe for his keys but Cas' grip was strong and he kept held of them easily and a soft smile touched his eyes again. "Yes you sound perfectly fine to drive Dean." He said with more than a little sarcasm in his voice. Another human characteristic he was picking up from spending so much time around Dean. It always came back to Dean... "I will not touch your baby Dean. In case you have forgotten I do not need a car to get us back to your motel." He smiled them, his eyes sparkling as he just shook his head. He could see Dean struggling with the drunkenness and the confusion of what was happening tonight. It was all there behind his eyes and Castiel thought for a moment of wiping out the drink from his system, sobering him up with a touch. It would be simple enough for him. But what then? Dean sober, ok to drive... he wouldn't need Cas anymore tonight.
Just as he decided he was not going to put his own desire above helping Dean he opened his mouth to offer his solution to Dean's problem when Dean answered his question. Cas' hand still on Dean's arm. Over the very mark he had given him, his mark. And damn it if he didn't love the fact that Dean was marked with his mark right now. And the answer he got made him sort of tremble again. Dean had said yes, had told him he could take him home. That he could be there for him. He had said yes.... "Thank you" Was all Castiel could manage to mutter out as he stared at Dean a little shock written in his eyes. But he wasn't about to question it.
He gripped Dean's arm tighter and pulled him closer to him. To close, much closer than Castiel needed him for what he was about to do, as he stood and stared into those green eyes he had grown to love so much... he couldn't bring himself to care, or to move away. Instead he wrapped an arm around Dean's waist again, something he really didn't need to do for this to work, and gave the man a questioning look. "Ready?" He asked quietly. "Or... or would you rather... I can help sober you up, you could drive yourself home?" He didn't know why he added it. This other option that would take Dean away from him. He figured that part of him wanted Dean to let him do this because he wanted him. Not because he was drunk and had no other choice. Castiel's tone couldn't have made it any more clear which option he wanted Dean to chose. And that he had only offered for Dean, not because he wanted him to pick that option in anyway. He only hoped Dean realised that and he tried to convey the message in his eyes as he looked at the taller man carefully, waiting for his answer. Not even breathing and trying to ignore the amazing feeling and warmth of having his arm around Dean again.
***********
Cas actually cared that he looked sad. Dean was touched by that. As if knowing that Cas had died for him, and had rebelled against Heaven for him wasn't touching enough. You could write off the two biggies as Castiel developing his own sense of humanity, if you really wanted to. If you looked deeper, you could see the love that was the real motivation behind each gesture. Dean's head was whirling. Was it possible for an angel to love a human?
He remembered something he had read in the Bible not too long ago, while he and Sam were looking for information about the Apocalypse. Angels had fallen in love with humans, before Lucifer's fall, and they had spawned a race called the Nephilim. So they could fall in love, if you went by the lore. But Dean was beyond perplexed now. His thoughts were definitely muddier than they had been earlier on, but there were still patches of clarity. This was one of those patches, but the reason he was thinking about angels falling in love was no longer clear to him.
"It wasn't you, trust me," Dean said. His mouth was going without his brain processing the thoughts first, and this was either going to end up fixing everything or ruining everything beyond repair. "I can't figure out whass goin' on!" he groaned. "And I'm sad because you look sad, and I didn't mean to make you sad, and I'm sorry I made you sad!"
He wondered how many times he had just said "sad", and made a face. It wasn't as eloquent as he had hoped it would be, but hell, he had said it now. He just hoped Cas would realise that it was nothing Cas had done that made him look that way... It was his own stupid head, seeing things where there were clearly no things to be seen.
Yes, he regretted hugging Castiel. Not because it had felt amazing, but only because he was making everything worse for himself. He was confusing himself more and more, and in all likelihood confusing Castiel into the bargain. The moan in Castiel's voice as he said his name did NOT set the hairs on the back of his neck on end, just as it didn't give him gooseflesh. He clenched his teeth to stop himself moaning in turn. He refused to answer, and instead swiped for his keys. He couldn't answer Cas without revealing exactly what he was feeling, and going by how well he was expressing himself right now (through the magic of beer and traumatised livers) he would only end up insulting Cas without meaning to, and that was the last thing he wanted. He really did care about Castiel, and he never wanted to see that agonised look on his face again. Sometimes, Cas becoming more human was a bad thing. He never looked like that when he was still all militant and loyal.
"Can you get her back to the motel too?" he asked, a concerned pout on his face. He was loathe to leave the Impala behind, and definitely when he thought about any of the yahoos in this bar pawing his beloved car while he wasn't there to protect her. Sometimes even Dean worried about his own sanity when he thought too hard about his feelings for his car, but he always reminded himself that it was an awesome car, and an heirloom from his Dad. He had every right to be protective of her.
Castiel's hand on his arm knocked all worry about the car from his mind. The scar from his hand felt almost raw under his touch, and Dean flinched a little. He instantly regretted that. It would make Castiel look sad again. He relaxed a little, and the electricity of their contact felt less caustic, and more enjoyable. He gave a sort of half sigh, and leaned against Cas when his hand slipped about his waist for the second time that evening. If he didn't fight the feeling, didn't feel trepidation of it happening... it felt powerful, and right, and better than anything he'd ever felt on earth.
"Don't sober me up. It'll feel weird. Just... keep a hold of me, and let's go home." He was somewhat surprised by how insistent he was that they go home this way. No car, just him and Cas. It was unlikely that they'd walk, and more likely that Cas would do his freaky sha-na-na-na-na angelic teleportation thing, but at least it would just be the two of them. "B'sides... you'll just go away if I'm sober. Can't have that," Dean slurred a little. Despite the drink, despite his addled brains... he knew he wanted Cas to come with him. He wanted to be with him, and keep him close.
He almost laughed at himself. Hoboy. Dean Winchester was in trouble now. It had been obvious all along, but all he needed was for his brain to loosen up, just as he had been trying to get Cas to do, and to get over himself and realise what was going on. He smiled at Cas, looking more relaxed now. It was like all the ignorance had fallen away from him, and he felt blissfully happy right now.
"Come on, precious," he said softly.
***********
Castiel felt the smile return to his face as Dean asked if he could make sure his car was safe as well and he nodded gently. "I think I'll manage that. Pulled you out of..." he stopped, he decided he really didn't want to mention hell right now. Dean didn't need anymore reminders of it. And Castiel didn't need to think about the sight of Dean when he'd finally reached him after one of the most violent battles of his life. Neither of them needed to be thinking about that right now. So he stopped and turned his thoughts to Dean's insisting it wasn't something he had done that had freaked him out. He wanted so badly to believe him and he almost did... almost
Part of him still thought that it was more likely that Dean was upset by how Cas had been acting but just didn't want to embarrass them both by admitting it. Or maybe Dean was being honest. Castiel just really couldn't tell anymore. God he would do almost anything to know what Dean was thinking right now. What he was really thinking. He let the topic of who had upset who drop without saying anything other than a simple "I'm not upset Dean" Whispered gently as he gazed into the mans eyes.
He felt his breath catch in his lungs as he felt Dean lean into him when he had put his arm around him rather than pulling away. And that small movement almost made him want to bury his head in Dean's neck and cry. The fact Dean wanted to be closer to him, that he wasn't pushing him off asking what all the touching was about made him so happy. At the same time he was terrified still. And all the conflicting emotion was starting to get to him. He would either have to break down and just tell Dean how he felt or he would have to leave and gather his wits about him again before he could handle being around Dean. He hated the thought of either idea right now... so at the moment he decided to cling to the belief that he could handle it all if he just did what he'd done for most of his existence, until Dean... and close himself off, shut the emotions down. Yes! That is what he would do.
And he did, was doing it, doing a great job of it, his breathing was returning to normal, his body wasn't so tense. His face became a little harder and more his normal Castiel soldier of god face. His arm even lightened its grip on Dean, though it didn't let him go... Well it's a start anyway.... And then Dean started talking again. Oh man why did he have to start talking again, just when Cas was pulling himself together, ready now for if Dean told him to sober him up and let him go. Which, by the way, is exactly what he was expecting him to say... But he was wrong, god was he wrong. And he felt it all crumble around him. All his power of suppression, all his cold hearted emotionless warrior of god defenses fell around him so resolutely he was surprised he was able to stand up still under the weight of it. Why did Dean have the power to do these things to him with nothing more than a touch, a word, a look... Oh yeah thats right, Cas reminded himself angrily, You love him you idiot. Now just tell him.... tell him.
The words repeated themselves over and over in his head as his breathing caught again and he all but moaned against Dean's neck. Deans neck? When in the name of God had his face ended up pressed against Dean's neck, snuggled in like it belonged there. He couldn't remember, maybe when his walls had been shattering, Dean telling him he wanted to stay drunk because he wanted Cas to come home with him. Wanted him not to leave him.
"If you wanted me there Dean, I would come with you whether you needed me to get home or not." He whispered gently against the mans skin, his lips sparking and tingling at the feather light contact with Deans skin. Oh god how he just wanted to lean in that little bit more and kiss his lips to Dean's neck. Just to show him how much he meant it, how much he wanted to be with him, where ever he wanted to lead him. How much he loved him. "Always with you" He murmured to himself more than Dean. Because he needed to hear what the words sounded like aloud. He wasn't sure exactly when he'd moved them, all he knew was that when he was finally ready to open his eyes and lift his head from Dean's neck, the bar had faded around them and they were standing in Dean's shabby, cheap hotel room in the complete dark. Something that was not a problem for Cas, he could see perfectly. Something he thought might be an issue for, a more than a little drunk, Dean Winchester. So he let Dean go without even looking at him, he was not sure he wanted to see the look on his face right now. The one that he was sure must be somewhere close to disgust at the fact that Castiel had all but kissed his neck while he'd told him how much he wanted to be near him. He was beside the light switch before Dean could have even blinked and he turned them on quickly. They didn't do all that much to lighten the place really, a dirty, dim, orange light flooded the room and made it look even more depressing than before. To Castiel right now it was about the most beautiful room he'd ever stood in. And that was all he could do right now. Stand at the side of the room next to the front door and look at Dean's back. The man still hadn't turned round. Though that could have been because they'd actually only been standing in the room for a few seconds.
"Your car is out side" He said quietly but more firmly than anything he'd said in a while. He sounded more himself with those words. Even if he was still falling apart inside, he could still make Dean believe he was ok and back to normal. Maybe he could convince him that it must have been something at the bar making him act like an idiot and that he was sorry he'd put him through all that shit.
"Dean?" He asked when the man still didn't react to him. A moment of panic hit Castiel as he wondered what was wrong...
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Dean may have been drunk, but he couldn't help but notice Castiel's almost slip-up. He was just so grateful to be out of hell that he didn't care if Cas mentioned it. He had never really asked what exactly Cas had to do to pull him out of there, and he supposed he never would. It seemed like a bit of a social faux pas, like not asking someone why exactly they had needed surgery. You knew the answer, and it wasn't a pleasant one to discuss. You knew that you'd offend them, so you avoided it. Dean could be tactless, but he wasn't a complete jerk.
The friendly "helping you home" buddy embrace had changed somehow. Dean was frozen. Not out of fear, or revulsion, but because he didn't know how to react. If it was a girl snuggling against his neck like that, he would have known exactly what to do, and how to make sure she went away calling him "Dean 'best night of my life' Winchester" to all of her friends. But this was Cas... his friend, his angel, his precious... and he was pressed against his neck as though he was the drunk needing assistance. All that was missing was Cas drooling and saying "You're my besht friend, ya know that? I love ya man..." and then barfing everywhere. Dean half smirked at the mental image of a drunk and droopy Cas, and he put his own arm around Castiel's waist. Merely to make sure he didn't fall. That was it.
Whispered words against his throat... Dean could hardly make them out, but they electrocuted him. A shiver passed up his spine and tingled across his scalp, setting his hair almost standing on end, and his hand gripped the fabric of Cas' trench coat like his life depended on it. It was more erotic than any love bite had ever felt, and more intimate than an actual kiss. Dean actually felt his eyes roll back in his head. Jesus... what was he doing to him?
When he opened them again, Cas had stepped away from him. It was dark, and he wasn't sure where he was. He was, however, grateful for the darkness, because it hid the evidence of his arousal from view. He wanted more than anything for Cas to come back, to do that again. He almost wailed with disappointment, feeling the lack of his body against his acutely.
Where was Cas gone? Had he just done a stop and drop, and flown off wherever? Dean couldn't hear him, and his eyes were still adjusting to the darkness. If Cas had gone, it was nothing he didn't deserve. He had taken too much meaning from his innocent words, and allowed himself to get hot under the collar for no reason. He wished fervently that Cas would come back so he could make amends...
But no, there was a soft noise behind him, and when the lamp was turned on he knew that Castiel hadn't abandoned him. He couldn't bring himself to speak. He was still reeling from the reality of what had just happened. That intimate, incredible touch of Castiel's lips against had filled him with a desire he had never thought possible. He couldn't even turn to face him. He was so sure that Cas would be sickened if he could see what his touch had done to him.
He grinned when Cas said the car was safe. He almost wished he could see the security cameras, just to see what a sudden Impala disappearence looked like. Cas hadn't let him down.
Castiel's voice was strange when he called his name, and Dean forced himself to turn and look at him. His expression must have been a sight, because he was feeling confusion, desire and mad lust as he looked at Castiel. Fucking hell... If that didn't scare Cas off, Dean didn't know what he was going to do next. Give in, probably. Give in and to hell with the consequences. He wanted to touch Cas again. He wanted it so badly it felt like a physical pain to be this far away from him.
"Cas..." he said quietly. "C'mere."
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part 4a :D