Dean and Cas - a love story [NC17 - 2/?]
Title: A love story [chapter 2/?]
Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
AN: This is done a little different from most fanfiction as it was rewritten on the rpg forum I own. However, it is a good story, and interesting to read if you are a fan of Cas/Dean. It was written by myself and a friend of mine. It is in post form, so will switch back and forward between Dean's POV and Castiel's POV. It is slash and very romantic in parts lol! Anyway, I needed a safe place to keep it just in case the rp site gets deleted for any reason. Which I hope it won't! But it is a possibility. So instead of just saving it to my computer I thought, why not put it on LJ and see what other thought of it! That said, anyone who reads it and likes it let us know!AN: This is done a little different from most fanfiction as it was rewritten on the rpg forum I own. However, it is a good story, and interesting to read if you are a fan of Cas/Dean. It was written by myself and a friend of mine. It is in post form, so will switch back and forward between Dean's POV and Castiel's POV. It is slash and very romantic in parts lol! Anyway, I needed a safe place to keep it just in case the rp site gets deleted for any reason. Which I hope it won't! But it is a possibility. So instead of just saving it to my computer I thought, why not put it on LJ and see what other thought of it! That said, anyone who reads it and likes it let us know!
The part of Dean is written by the wonderful doubledgedsword
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or these characters, they belong to Kripke! May he always keep them well!
Graphic as made by meh!
P.S I am completely knew to LJ so if I do something wrong in my posting, please for everyone's sanity let me know! lol And here is the story.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP
Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
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Castiel couldn't help but watch Dean, he told himself it was just natural curiosity about humans. Yeah that was it, just curiosity! He conveniently left out the fact that it was never Sam he had an interest in watching, or the bartender now glaring at Dean or... anyone else. Only Dean. He didn't say that remember? However right now watching Dean was making him feel... well he wasn't really sure, uncomfortable maybe? Yeah that was it, uncomfortable so he decided to stop for a moment and took his eyes over to his new beer. He picked it up and took a mouthful. He really did like the taste of it even though he knew that the alcohol would have no effect on him no matter how hopeful Dean sounded right now.
"Why do you want me drunk so badly?" He asked as he glanced over his glass at Dean as he took another mouthful. He might not be able to get drunk but he was starting to like it here with Dean and the confused look was starting to fade. Even if it had been replaced by a slightly uncomfortable one at all the strange emotions running through him. Emotions that he wasn't used to, for so long he'd been ordered not to feel emotions. And now that he was free to do as he wanted he was sometimes overwhelmed by what he was feeling. Not that he didn't enjoy the new freedom, his own free will. It was just a lot to get used to.
"Why did you just pour beer on the floor?" He asked Dean as he watched him doing it while he was saying his little bit about Jimmy. Cas couldn't be sure but it sounded like Dean might have been just a little happy to find out that it was just Castiel in this vessel now. Then again that could simply be wishful thinking... did he say wishful thinking? He took another swallow of beer and glanced around the bar. Looking for anything to look at other than Dean. He was having a hard time ignoring the way Dean looked while he was singing along to the song and it made something in Castiel prickle with warmth that he really didn't understand, but he was pretty sure Dean would not be happy about if he knew.
He all but froze to the spot as Dean wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He could feel the warmth of the other man even through the layers of raincoat and suit. Something he was trying very hard to ignore. What was wrong with him tonight? He had never had feelings like these. Not that he even knew what they were. What's more he was certain that part of him, the part of him that had gotten a thrill out of disobeying Zachariah, out of rebelling, was liking the feelings.
"I never said I couldn't drink Dean, just that I don't need to and never have before."
He made the mistake then of looking up at Dean as they stood beside the bar, Deans arm around his shoulders. And he couldn't do anything but stare way to intensely into Dean's eyes for way to long to go unnoticed. His breath hitched without his realising and finally looked away, something like guilt flashing in his eyes as he took his beer and downed it in one all over again. He knew it made no difference to him but it seemed like a really good idea right now.
"You're already drunk" He pointed out to Dean for no other reason than to try and gloss over what had just happened to him. And also because if he pointed out how drunk Dean was he might be able to convince him that he was seeing things and Cas hadn't just looked at him like he was hungry or something... hungry? really?.
He didn't comment on Deans comment on his smile. Mainly because he didn't really know what to say about it. He had smiled for the first time in thousands of years and the only person in creation he cared about right now had been happy to see it. Had smiled because of it... there goes the prickling again and the warm happy feeling he seemed to be having a lot this evening.
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His favourite verse was coming up, and he air guitared along as he sang the words from memory. "Oooh, she's a killer machine... She's got everything! Like a moving mouth, body control and everything! I love him! I need him!" He stopped himself, wondering when he had changed the lyrics from 'her' to 'him'. Shrugging, too drunk and dream-bound to worry overmuch about it, he turned his attention back to Castiel.
"So I can take advantage of you, precious!" Dean said jokingly, fighting back a fit of laughter. Cas was a bit of a dry sheet at times, and maybe this bit of teasing would shake him out of it. Why did he want Cas drunk, now he thought of it? He had forgotten... Drink was addling his thoughts, and all he could think of was how comfortable he felt around Castiel, and how happy it made him that he was finally taking it easy and not acting like an on-duty soldier.
"You never do that before? Pour out some alcohol in respect for someone who's dead?" Dean asked. He gave Cas an incredulous look and explained, "If someone dies, you pour out a bit of alcohol as a sign of respect. I woulda done the same when you exploded, only you came back all in one piece." He grinned. "That was a good day... finding out you weren't actually chunky pasta sauce on Chuck's walls."
It really had been fantastic when Castiel had turned up, safe and sound. If Dean was honest with himself, there was a lot he had never said to Castiel the first time around, and now he had a second chance he was going to make it up to him... starting with tonight, and the epic drinking session he had planned, and currently in action.
He leaned his weight on Cas, needing a bit of support thanks to the alcohol affecting his balance. Castiel's body was warm underneath his arm, and Dean grinned happily at him. "Well, that just goes to show there's a first time for everything. Hell, this is the first time in my life I've ever had a best friend. Weird how things work out, ain't it?" he said, looking into Castiel's eyes as he spoke.
The look he saw there almost knocked his legs out from underneath him. For what felt like eternity, his green eyes bored into Castiel's blue ones, and for the first time in his life Dean felt like he was on the receiving end of the sort of looks he normally gave hot chicks. More than a little stunned, but not disgusted (oh, definitely not disgusted... that was the really surprising part for him. He was kinda enjoying it...) he removed his arm and stumbled a little as soon as Cas looked away. What the fuck was going on here?! He threw out his arm and caught a hold of Castiel's sleeve to stop himself hitting the deck.
"Yes... I'm very drunk," Dean said proudly, glad of something else to focus on. "And I plan on getting more drunkererer... if that's even a word." Once he had regained his balance, he warily let go of Castiel's sleeve, and held out his arms on either side of him like a tight-rope walker as he tried to balance himself on what seemed to be a swaying floor. "You should smile more often, precious," Dean added cheekily. "Makes you look more human."
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Castiel was glad he was an angel and didn't have to breath to survive or he was fairly certain he'd be long dead right now. He was pretty damn sure he hadn't breathed once since Dean had started talking. Even if he was ridiculously drunk. Castiel could see the truth of what he was saying. He's an angel remember? Can see into your soul and all... Anyway, what he saw in Dean's eyes now was truth and that had his stomach tied up in all kinds of knots. He reminded himself to breath as he felt Dean lean heavier on his shoulders. He couldn't speak for a while after Dean had said that he wanted him drunk to take advantage of him. He wasn't really sure what that meant exactly but he was fairly certain he liked the sound of it. The fluttering in his gut certainly did.
He didn't miss Dean's slip with the lyrics of the song either. He would not have noticed if he had not heard the different lyrics passing out of the speaker. He told himself immediately that he was not singing to Cas. That was just not possible, even though Cas would have liked it to be.... did he really just think that?
"Best friend?" He asked and he couldn't help but notice his voice was not as strong and sure as it normally was. He watched Dean as he wobbled around the place, making sure he was ready to catch him if he were to fall. Just like he always did. He would always be there to catch Dean, that he knew. Nothing in heaven and earth could stop him from doing that now. It was again one of the reasons he disobeyed. So he could be there for Dean...
Anyway, he found himself staring at a very drunk Dean Winchester, one that kept grabbing him for balance. It was for balance right? Yes it had to be... And then Dean had to keep on talking. And the things he was saying were making the knots in Castiels stomach almost painful. But he honestly didn't know why. Why the thought of Dean thinking of him as a friend, or wanting to get him drunk, or calling him precious... why was he calling him precious again? He'd never answered that question. "Why are you calling me precious?" He asked more sternly this time. Though it was clear from his tone that he was curious not annoyed. For reasons unknown he sorta liked the way it sounded. Even if he liked the way it sounded when Dean called him Cas even more. More than he liked the sound of almost anything. Shit what is wrong with him tonight? Maybe he needed to get out of here. Something was clearly making him crazy.
"Angels do not have drinks to tip out Dean" He said in a manner that clearly showed that he thought Dean should have remembered that. However, he was smirking at him, which really countered his seriousness. He wondered if Dean would even notice his, probably very poor, attempt at a joke. He couldn't dwell on that thought for long because the next words out of Deans mouth made his breath hitch again and he looked at him very seriously now. All smirk gone from his blue eyes. "I am sorry you had to see... me like that" he all but whispered as he couldn't hold Deans gaze any more and he stared at the floor for a moment. So Dean cared, actually cared that He had come back. That he hadn't died. "I didn't know you cared that much Dean" he said in a rush before he could stop the words escaping his lips. He looked up now at Dean a little scared about what he might say to that. "I mean... I ... you never really seemed to like me much back then. Didn't think..."
He stopped then because he was showing way more emotion in his voice than he was ever wanting to do again. But as he looked up at Dean and saw him smiling and when the only man to ever get him to rebel against heaven, drink beer and smile for no other reason than being in his company told him that he should smile more because it made him look more human. All Cas could do was snort out a laugh and given him the biggest grin he'd ever give in his life. Literally.
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Dean slopped some of his drink on the ground as he tried to keep his balance. The floor was definitely far wobblier than he recalled it being earlier in the night, and he didn't appreciate it. Floors should be sturdy, and even, and on the level... bit like Cas, really. Good old Cas... Reliable, trustworthy, floor-like Cas... He gripped Castiel's arm again as he struggled to keep himself upright, and eventually just leaned against Castiel's side, giving up his balance as a lost cause.
"I'm just... just gonna lean against you for a lil bit, ok buddy? The floor isn't as stable as you are," he said, slurring his words slightly. It was definitely very pleasant having Castiel to lean on. Somehow, he knew that Cas would never, ever let him fall. It was definitely a pleasant thought. Even with the Apocalypse, he had someone to lean on. Good to know...
"You know what we should do?" Dean said excitedly, an idea occurring to him. "We should do karaoke! Angels are supposed to be good at singing, am I right? Singing hymns and stuff... got harps..." he trailed off, his thoughts becoming slightly fuzzier as he tried to recall the angel lore he knew. There was precious little as it was. He needed Sam for lore, or Bobby. But right now, he had Cas, and that was good enough for him.
"Yeah, man, you're my best friend. You know more about me than my family, and now you're out drinking with me. That makes you my best friend, don't it" he asked, looking at Cas with a grin as he leaned against him. Castiel's next demand made him laugh, and he raised a hand to his forehead, not realising he still had an empty beer glass clutched in it, and bumped it off his head. "Ow," he remarked, and set the glass down. Another gesture to the barman produced two more beers, and he gratefully took his and took a large swig. "I called you precious cos it suits you," Dean explained, his words definitely more slurred now. "You exploded... and you came back. Makes you rare... makes you precious." He booped Castiel on the nose with the index finger of his free hand, and had to fumble to catch a hold of Castiel's arm again as his balance wobbled.
He laughed. "Still struggling with humour, huh? Don't ever change, Cas, I mean that," Dean joked. He really did mean it. Much as he may want Castiel to loosen up and relax once in a while, he didn't want his angel to change, not one bit. His angel. Huh. Weird choice of words, but he shrugged them off. There was more beer to be had, and more talking with Castiel. Good night so far. He chugged his beer yet again, almost completely draining it. His liver seemed to weep inside of him as he set down the almost empty glass on the bar.
Cas looked unbearably sad at the mention of his explosion incident. "Hey..." Dean said gently, patting him on the shoulder as best he could while still trying to remain upright. "Hey, it's alright... Wasn't your fault. You did it for me, it was my fault. Shouldn't have let you stay behind and get blown up. You did it for me, Cas, of course I care."
He looked into Castiel's eyes yet again, and smiled. "Come on... you could be a jerk at times, but every day I see you being more and more human. I know you only do what you think is right. It was your choices I didn't like, not you. I've always liked you..."
Dean felt his legs wobble and he fell heavily against Cas. Had he been sober, he would have been mortified, but while he was drunk all he could do was laugh. "Dude, you're smiling again!" he said, positively beaming at this stage as he tried to remove himself from Castiel's person and stand like a real man.
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Castiel felt Deans weight over his shoulders again and he so did not just let out a satisfied sigh as the warm feeling of the man beside him pressed into him again. He wanted to wrap an arm around Dean's waist... only, he told himself, to help keep him upright. Something Dean was clearly having trouble with right now. But he held back, too used to never acting on his emotions and desires. He suppressed them now just like he had done his entire existence. The only difference it seemed to him now was that this time it actually felt like it almost physically hurt him not to reach out and hold Dean close to his side as the other man clung to his shoulders to stop from falling over.
"It is not the floor that is unstable Dean, it is you. I think you have had enough beer. I do not wish to have you pass out on me" He said as he took Deans latest beer and moved it to sit it in front of him instead. He then gave Dean a small smile and almost murmured... at least thats what he thought it was that he was doing, but why would he be murmuring right now? "How about you just watch me try to drink myself into a stupor for a while instead?" With that he picked up one of the two beers he had in front of him and downed it in one before almost choking for the second time that night. "Singing? You want me to sing with you?" He asked in a voice somewhere between horror and terror. There was no way on earth he was about to get up and sing in front of all these people. Especially in front of Dean... and yet the one man he seemed to have a ridiculous inability to say no to was practically begging him to do it... ok so not begging but as far as Castiel was concerned he might as well have been.
He looked away from Dean, knowing that eye contact right now would be his down fall. "I do not sing Dean" He said stiffly in a voice he hoped was as authoritative and powerful as he willed it to be without raising the volume at all. Cas had been so shocked by the idea of singing it took him a moment to realise Dean was no longer leaning on him with his arm over his shoulders. Instead he was sort of swaying dangerously as every now and then he reached out and grabbed his arm to stop himself from falling. It made Cas smile at him, amused as he simply watched it. Finding, to his surprise, that he was enjoying seeing Dean like this, the pain and guilt and shit that he was so used to seeing in Dean's eyes. The stuff that tears at his heart every time he has to look at the man he loves.... erm. He glanced away into the distance at this thought and his eyes grew wide for a moment as he realised that maybe it was the truth. It was the emotion he had not understood till this moment. Or rather had not allowed himself to admit till now. It was the reason he'd done it all for Dean. Not that he'd ever tell the hunter that. He knew Dean to well to realise that even beginning to hope he felt the same way was foolish. And telling him would just freak him out.
Cas looked back at Dean, torn from his thoughts at the mention of why Dean had been calling him precious. And he felt his face drop a little for a moment, the disappointment evident in his eyes for the briefest of moments. God he hoped Dean hadn't seen it as he returns the smile to his face. Quietly asking "So I'm precious in general then?" Not adding the not just to you that he was almost desperate to say out loud, but he just couldn't. He was already reeling from all the realizations of the night. The last thing he needed was for Dean to notice he was struggling with something and start bugging him about it.
He laughed now as Dean wobbled even more and reached out a hand just in case he fell. It didn't make contact with the other mans body the way he longed to. He would only do that if he really needed to. No point in torturing himself by touching something he could never have. Because this was all just a dream for Dean right. And then the fact was that, even now Dean, dream Dean couldn't possibly feel the way Cas was. So no, he would not reach out and wrap an arm around him. He listened quietly though, watching Dean's expression change as he talked about that night. The night he had died, that Lucifer had risen. And it almost killed him to hear Dean blaming himself. He looked at him seriously and whispered then. Because his voice was to tight with emotion to be any louder. "Dean none of it was your fault. It was my choice and I did it all for you... and I would do it again. All of it. But this time I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. Maybe if I hadn't been so stupid... if I had listened to you sooner we would have been able to stop Sam. End all this before it began"
He was about to say fuck it then and reach out for Dean because he couldn't fight the need to feel him closer to him when Dean all but feel on top of him. Losing his balance as he smiled again and told Cas never to change and that smiling suited him. God did that ever make his stomach flip flop and this time he really did reach behind Dean and wrap a strong arm around his waist. Pulling him up so he was standing on his own two feet again rather than pulling Cas down with him. However when Dean was again standing, Cas did not release his grip on him, instead he kept his arm around Dean in case he feel again. Yes that was the reason. He almost laughed at the thought because he clearly couldn't lie to himself about this anymore.
He stared smiling into Dean's eyes now as he gripped him tighter than he really needed to and couldn't help but tingle all along the side of his body that now had Dean pressed up against him. He longed to twist round, make it so they were standing chest to chest. Pressed against each other. To have Dean's face so close to his he could count the freckles. Feel his breath on his neck.... ok he had to stop now. Never in his life had he felt these desires. Never even come close to wanting someone in this way. It was scaring the ever loving shit out of him and he could only cringe at what Dean would say if he knew what was flying through Castiel's mind right now.
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Dean sang quietly under his breath, making up a song as he went. He was just drunk enough to do it. "Cas is like a floor... Cas is a floor... Cas is my floooooooor..." He stopped singing and laughed, because someone had just selected Bonnie Tyler's "I Need A Hero" on the jukebox. Worst. Song. Ever. Sammy may have considered Dean's tape collection to be the greatest hits of mullet rock, but even Dean considered this song to be kinda sad. He wondered briefly when the bar fight would start... it was bound to after some sad jack-off picked a song like that.
He leaned against Cas, unconcerned by his closeness to the angel, as he was by how comfortable it felt. He was just grateful to have someone stopping him from looking like an idjit in front of Castiel... even if that someone was Castiel. Meh, it made no sense, not even to him, but what did make sense was being here with Cas. That was... really nice.
"'M not unstable," Dean insisted as clearly as he was able, "'S the floor. Like a ship. All wobbly an' stuff." He grinned at Cas and chucked his chin like an old movie star would do with his best girl. "Not gonna pass out on ya, buddy... Gonna get you gooooood an' drunk." He almost wailed when Cas took his beer, but then cheered encouragingly as he chugged it all in one shot. "Whoa! Go, Cas!" he whooped and raised both arms in the air in celebration, then flailed slightly as gravity reminded him that it was not his bitch any more.
"Get up and sing with me, yeah!" Dean enthused. "We'll sing something by Metallica... or Boston. Yeah, Boston! We'll sing 'More Than A Feeling', whaddya think precious?" The more he thought about it, the better an idea it became. Karaoke! Why had he never tried it before! Some teeny part of him that was still a very sober and very unamused Dean Winchester reminded him that it was because karaoke was something that girls and Sam Winchester indulged in, not serious business hunters like him. Drunk Dean told Sober Dean to shut his fool mouth, and grinned sloppily at Castiel. "You don't wanna sing with me?" he asked, trying to do the puppy dog eyes that Sammy was so good at. He wasn't sure he was doing it right, but it always worked for Sam...
He pushed away from Cas, trying his best to look hurt, and instead staggered a bit until he bumped his hip against a bar stool and knocked it over. "Whoops!" he laughed, and tried to pick it back up. About half a second after he tried bending to pick it up, Dean gave it up as a bad move, and lurched drunkenly back to Cas. Good old Cas... He'd fix the barstool. Eventually. Do his sha-na-na-na-na healing stuff on it.
"Course you're precious in general," Dean said, watching his step as he walked like a bad Scooby Doo cartoon (all tentative steps and much arm flailing) and added, "But you're precious to me, too. You're the only angel I can trust, and you're my best friend."
Cas was kinda wide-eyed when he reached him again, and Dean raised his eyebrows at him. "Spidey senses tingling, Cas man?" he asked. "Or just shocked that I didn't fall over? Cos I'm pretty shocked m'self." He found himself wishing he was less drunk. He didn't want to look like a complete idjit in front of Castiel. Sam would lecture him if he saw him like this, Bobby would call him an idjit and tell him to sleep it off and come back when he wasn't retarded. But Cas had been smiling and laughing at his drunken demeanour, and Dean was pretty damn confused by the fuzzy feeling he got when he heard Cas laugh. It was such a rare thing, like killing something evil before it could hurt someone, or like Paris Hilton behaving like a lady. He noticed Castiel's outstretched hand, clearly there just in case gravity decided to make Dean her bitch, and he caught hold of it to prevent against that eventuality. Yup, only for that reason. The warm sensation in his stomach and the pounding of his heart were clearly from the over-consumption of alcohol, and not because he was, essentially, holding Castiel's hand. He dropped it hurriedly, convinced he was just being drunk and stupid.
"Hey, listen to me Cas! You're not blowing up again. Not ever. It nearly tore me in two last time..." He trailed off, not wanting to relive that night. Finding out he was walking around in what used to be Cas... learning that Cas was gone, gone beyond any hope of return, that he'd never be able to yell at that stoic face again, nor search those blue eyes for the humanity he knew was always there... It had been the icing and cherry on the shit-cake that had been the worst day of his second life. "Come on, those assholes were always gonna find a way. If it wasn't Sam, it'd be someone else, and there was no hope of keeping Lilith alive indefinitinitinitelllyyyy..." He stopped himself, realising he couldn't quite say the word whilst drunk. "For forevers," he said more firmly, and nodded, as if satisfied that he had overcome some obstacle. "It's my fault you blew up. I shoulda taken you with me. Should never have left you behind. I'm never gonna do that again."
He shook his head, and felt Castiel's grip tightening about his waist. He was upright again, and he couldn't help but laugh. His eyes met Castiel's, and he grinned his rare lop-sided grin that he kept for special occasions at him. Castiel's arm about his waist, Castiel's side against his. It felt so comfortable that Dean wondered would he ever feel this good without Cas pressed up against him again.
"You stole my drink..." Dean said, mimicking the pup eyes again.
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Castiel simply stood beside Dean absorbing the mans warmth and the sound of his voice and still he could not help but smile. It was incredibly amusing to him to see Dean this way. Especially when he started going on about the floor being like a ship. Which Castiel could clearly see was not true. Just as he could see he was not a floor no matter what Dean was... singing. "I am not a floor you realise yes?" He asked Dean with a grin. He wanted to make sure that Dean was still at least half way sane. He kept his hand around Dean as he fought the urge to draw him still closer. The skin on his hand was still tingling from where Dean had held it earlier. He had not done it for long but the contact seemed to set the skin under Dean's fingers alight with heat that was still lingering. Castiel did not understand these sensations he was feeling, but one thing he was sure on... he really liked them. All of them, even the tight knots he got in his stomach when Dean said his name or the fluttering he felt when Dean had said he cared.
So it was much to his horror when he happened to look at Dean who was once more asking him to sing with him. And saw a look that made him question his own grip on gravity for a moment as he felt his knees wobble under him. He had no idea what the look meant exactly as he'd never had anyone ever look at him like that. He knew almost immediately that he thought it was the most wonderful look he'd ever seen on Dean's face. Big eyes staring up at him, half hurt, half hopeful and completely beautiful and he felt himself go weak as his breath hitched again. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He all but moaned at Dean. He was terrified by the idea of having to sing. He'd never sang in his life, and he didn't want to start now in a bar in front of a bunch of humans he didn't know. More importantly he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Dean.
"Please, please don't make me sing here Dean" He begged as he looked deep into his eyes hoping the man would see how much he didn't want to and give up his insane idea. "Not here, not now..." He added. Maybe if he promised to sing with Dean some other time. Some time when it was just the two of them that he had to look like a fool in front of... yeah he might be able to handle that. If it was to make Dean happy.
He was drawn out of his panic however by a crash and for a moment he thought Dean was going to follow the bar stool to the floor, he didn't however, much to Castiel's amazement and he just shook his head as he watched Dean straighten himself out again and stand up. Before any human could blink Cas had picked up the stool and set it right as though it had never been knocked down. Just in time for Dean to fall into his arms. Which is where the man still was now remember? Something Cas was more than happy about. Anyway, back to what happened next.
Dean was talking again, telling Cas that he was precious not just in general, but to him personally and that right there was all that Castiel cared about. His Dean... his Dean? Thought he was precious, thought he was trustworthy. "I... I think you're precious too Dean" He stammered out unable to help himself. He was nervous about saying it but he needed to say it all the same.
It was when Dean went on about that day again and blaming himself that Castiel felt sadness tug at the warm happy feeling he had going on tonight. And he shook his head hard and looked hard at Dean. He needed Dean to hear him right now and to believe him. "Dean it was not your fault, any of it. Especially me dying. I would not have let you take me with you even if you had tried to. And you know you would not have been able to make me Dean... in case you hadn't noticed I have a little over you in the power department." He teased with a small grin, trying to lighten a sad topic. Though his eyes were still very serious. "I died to save you and I would do it again. I am so sorry it hurt you so bad, I had no idea what it was like for you...." His voice had grown quiet as he looked at Dean now with so much compassion and love he was almost sure the other would see it. Castiel really couldn't bring himself to care right now. "If I could take it back, make it so you didn't have to go through that..." He stopped before he finished because he was not sure how he was going to finish that sentence anyway. And his throat felt heavy and his eyes stung a little. So he had to look away and blink a few times before turning back again and laughing.
Dean was giving him that look again from earlier and it hit him like a punch to the gut how much he wanted to do anything for the man before him if it meant he would look at him like that more often. He nodded with a grin that a mother would give a sleepy child who was telling her they didn't need to go to bed. "Yes I did, because you don't need it as much as I do" And with that he took the other beer on the bar, his own this time and chugged it down to. "This stuff really is not working Dean" he said as he set the glass down and smiled. He had known it wouldn't, but he really didn't care right now. Because for the first time in his life, Castiel was having fun!
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Dean was sloppily drunk at this stage. Unlike some, Dean was a happy sloppy drunk. Some people could be mean, or paranoid, or depressive drunks... Dean Winchester was a sloppy, happy mess with gravity issues whilst drunk. Think labradoodle on ice, and you have a pretty good idea of Dean's current state.
"Need to lie down..." he muttered. "You sure you're not a floor, cos I really need a floor to lie on, and that one down there..." he paused to poke a wary toe on the floor beneath him, "I don't trust it. Looks all wobbly to me."
He told himself that what he had just said was not meant in any way other than an innocent one. He did not want to lie on top of Cas. He was drunk, and clearly making innuendos where there were no innuendos. Dean grinned, trying to cover it by pretending he hadn't said it at all, and moving on quickly to the next topic.
"I'm looking at you like that 'cos you won't sing with me!" Dean said, his voice accusing. "An' here I was, thinkin' we were best buddies... Well not no more, pal! Nuh-uh! Buddies that sing together, stay together!" He made a dramatic hand gesture in the air, and did sort of a half pirouette, not coping well with the sudden shift in his centre of gravity. He flung out a hand to stop himself face-planting in the middle of the bar, and found his hand clutching Castiel's shirt as he righted himself.
He could feel Castiel's heart beating under his clenched fingers, and it was surprising how pleasant it felt to feel another heartbeat under his touch. It had been months since he had felt this kind of closeness to another person. Dean Winchester certainly wasn't above a bit of "self loving", but this simple contact with Cas electrocuted him in a way that was entirely alien and completely familiar at the same time. It felt more intimate than it should, and he raised surprised eyes to meet Castiel's gaze, hoping he wouldn't think he was some kind of pervy angel-fancier.
He said in a low tone, "OK, we don't have to sing tonight... but I'll get you to sing some other night, ok? Just you an' me, no Sam. Promise." Why was he promising Cas more alone time? His head was too fuzzy to try and process these confusing thoughts and feelings right now. It was too much. He needed some hair of the dog, or a good old fashioned fried breakfast, to help counteract some of the alcohol. He wanted a clear head. This was way too much!
"You think I'm precious?" he asked, feeling suddenly woozy. If the floor was wobbly earlier, it was lurching now. Must be the alcohol. Yep. Alcohol. His grip redoubled on Cas. One of his knuckles touched the flesh of Castiel's chest as the fabric twisted, exposing his skin between two buttons on his shirt. It was the barest amount of contact, but there was that electric jolt again, and Dean almost pushed him away in shock. Almost... he couldn't quite bring himself to break that touch.
So, he stood there, his hand clutching Castiel's shirt, and listening as Cas told him that none of it was his fault. But... it had been, hadn't it? He had let Cas down badly that night. He had really let him down, and Dean was never gonna give him up, never gonna let him down [OOC: RICKROLL'D! COULDN'T RESIST!] if he could help it. "If I have to, I'll return the favour," Dean whispered. "You died for me, man, that's heavy stuff."
He felt tears sting his eyes as the memory of that night burned through his alcohol tainted head. "I walked in you, Cas. I wanted to be sick. Nobody's ever gone out on a limb for me like that before. I've done it for Sammy, and my Dad, but nobody ever took a bullet for me... except you." He grinned at Cas, trying not to let the tears shed. His eyes must have looked pretty glassy, but he didn't care. He laughed as Cas laughed, glad to leave the heartbreaking topic behind.
"How do you need it more if'n it's not workin', Cas?" he asked, raising the Dean Winchester eyebrow of awesome and smirking. Smiling really did suit Castiel. Dean could view him as a comrade, a companion, a friend... and maybe more when he smiled. He wasn't just the angel... whoa, hold up a sec, did he actually think 'maybe more'? There was something wacky in that beer. That had to be it. Dean Winchester liked hot girls, and not stupid sexy Castiel in his stupid sexy trenchcoat with his stupid sexy eyes and smile... Dean gave a sort of half squawk of alarm and snatched the empty beer glass from the bar. He held it above his open lips, letting the last dregs drip into his mouth. He smacked his lips together and frowned, eyeing up the now empty glass. "This shit taste funny to you?" he demanded.
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Cas blinked at Dean for a moment, the confused look back and his head turned to the side as he studied Dean again. "You wish to lay on me?" He asked him completely niave and confused as to why Dean would want him as a floor. Though part of him wasn't totally averse to the idea of Dean lying on top of him. Feeling his weight and warmth press into him as he looked up at him. He wondered briefly what Dean looked like from that angle before adding. "I do not think that this bar would be the best place for me to be your floor Dean..."
Castiel was seriously glad right now he had not been drinking anything when Dean looked down into his eyes and promised that one day just he and Dean would do the singing thing. It wasn't so much the singing thing that shook him and made him tremble slightly. It was the way Dean looked at him as he promised him more time alone. Really alone at that. Not in a bar surround by people. And Castiel knew that should not make him as happy as it did but he couldn't help it. "Fine if its just you and me I will sing with you..." He consented as he looked on at Dean his eyes betraying just how much he was enjoying this evening. "As long as you promise you won't laugh at me. I've never sung anything before..." He hung his head a little at this admission and for the first time in his life, this night seemed to hold a lot of firsts for him, he felt himself blush as his face warmed.
He would have kept staring at the floor until the blush had left him if it hadn't been for the sound of Dean almost smacking his head against the bar and grabbing the front of his shirt. Cas still had his arm around Dean's waist but now as he looked up and increased the pressure to keep the man up right again. Cas couldn't help but gasp a little at how close Dean was now. His face was as close as it ever had been even with Castiel's apparent personal space issues. And Dean's hand was twisted up in his shirt pulling at it enough for Castiel to feel the hot touch of Dean's knuckle on his chest. And it truly was his chest now, it was just him in here now remember!? And the contact made him shiver, literally shiver as he continued to look at Dean, his arm still around him, their bodies close but not quite touching. He was at the present unable to form words much less string sentences together. So he just stood quietly and listened to Dean.
He couldn't help the smile that came to him when Dean asked if he really thought he was precious. It seemed like such a silly question to Cas, but one he would answer anyway. Because he needed Dean to know... to understand at least some of what he meant to him. "Dean I gave up everything for you, I have never cared about anyone as much as I care about you... ever... so yes, I think your precious. Because to me you... are." He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. Because to him right now, here with Dean practically wrapped in his arms and talking to him like he'd never done before. Finally opening up and being honest, it really was just that simple. He loved Dean, cherished him. Simple as that.
The next words out of Dean's mouth made him frown though. How was he ever going to convince Dean his dying had not been his fault. The man had enough pain on his shoulders, Castiel really didn't want to be adding to it. So instead of telling him again that it was not his fault he softly said something that he felt Dean needed to hear right now. "Hey I'm ok, I'm here. Not dead see? You saved me Dean because without you God would never have had reason to bring me back. And if I had not died for disobeying, then the life I would be living right now... without you in it would not be worth what I have gained by helping you." He pulled Dean closer as he talked, his piercing blue eyes looking up into Dean's green ones as the closeness made him shiver. "I'm fine, I'm here and I'm never going to leave you Dean. You will always have me when you need me. And I would do what I did again and again if it meant saving your life."
When he finished talking he saw that Dean's eyes were glassy with emotion and all he wanted to do was wrap the man in a tight hug, and hold on to him until all his pain was gone. So he was extremely glad when Dean smiled again and started staring at the now empty beer glass. Because the last thing Cas thought he could handle now was Dean pushing him away like he was sure he would have done if he'd actually grabbed hold of him.
"Dean I've never tasted beer before, how would I know if it tasted funny. And why would it taste funny anyway? You didn't seem to be complaining before when you were drinking it like you couldn't get enough" he said with a grin as he loosened his grip on Dean's waist and finally let his arm fall from the mans body. He decided that he should break the contact now before he went and did something really stupid.
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"Probably not," Dean chortled, and then snorted with laughter, unable to help himself. Cas hadn't really got the double meaning, thank whatever fucking deity had been listening in (and doubtless, laughing their ass off in the process) and decided to spare him the mortification of a rejection from Castiel.
He wasn't sure why he was worried about Cas rejecting him. He was still pretty drunk, and while Dean normally had little trouble with being rejected by the fairer sex (as it happened so rarely) he had a funny notion in his head that Cas wouldn't want a flawed, useless failure of a human like him. Besides, he was Michael's vessel. He was a meat suit for an angel, and if he survived that, he'd end up like Jimmy... with a permanent angel in his body, and no soul of his own along for the ride. It was a depressing thought, and one that made him all the more determined to never let Michael muscle in on his body.
There was only one angel allowed near that, and that was Cas, and right now he was as near as he had ever been, and it was ... electric. That was the word of the moment. Had Dean ever picked up one of those god-awful Mills and Boon romance novels, he would have recognised the term 'sparks flying', but since he hadn't, the only way he could describe this was as though it were electricity. Like Castiel's pounding heart was surging some sort of wild jolt through him with every beat. Dean was unnerved by this. He had never felt anything like this before, not even with chicks, and it was really confusing. Cas was his best friend, his angel... there was nothing more to it, right?
Right?
"Just you and me, yeah," Dean found himself saying, and he wanted to kick himself. He was finding this all more than a little disarming, and now he was letting his mouth hit the accelerator without putting his brain into gear. "And I won't laugh at you if you don't laugh at me. Sammy always laughs when I sing along. Calls it 'mullet rock'. Sammy's a bitch..." he said in a low mutter, protective of his old music collection. Sammy wouldn't know good taste if it kicked him in the crotch. Dean's smile twitched at the thought of a rock-out session with Cas. He looked up just in time to see Cas blush and look away.
They were reeeeeal close now. So close their noses were almost touching. Cas had always had personal space issues, that was nothing new, but for once Dean didn't have an aversion to it. For a split second he loosened his grip on Castiel's shirt, allowed his fingers to caress his chest, and then gripped his shirt twice as hard as he had before. Whyyyyyyy had he done that? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Dean couldn't even answer his own thoughts right now. Touching Castiel's chest had made his heart feel like it was going to explode. Castiel's next words didn't do his ticker any favours, either.
He thought his heart was going to burst. Cas really had given up everything for him. He had rebelled, become a fallen angel, been blown up, and all for him. Dean felt pretty damn selfish at that moment. What had he done for Cas in all that time, other than fail him, let him down? It wasn't right. He had to make it right somehow, but he wasn't sure how.
This felt like a hug... Dean knew that some macho part of him should have shrugged it off, and should have pointed at some hot girl and encouraged Cas to admire her many fine attributes... but he didn't want to. It felt so good to be almost held by another that he didn't want it to end. He put his hand on Castiel's cheek, and realising just how intimate a gesture that really was, he patted it in a manly fashion and reluctantly pulled his hand away. "Don't leave me again," he whispered. "I can't go through that, not again."
The electric feeling between them was building until it felt almost like he was burned just by the proximity to Cas, from the simple touch of his hands on his body. Such innocent, harmless touches... and yet they were filling Dean with strange feelings he had never had before, at least not for another man. It was almost a relief when Cas broke their touch. It had been an intense few minutes there, and now all that simmering electricity seemed to be fading into the background. Dean gave a slight shiver and tried to focus on what Cas was saying.
"Just made me feel funny, that's all," Dean muttered, and fumbled for a bar stool. He felt woozy again, and a little weak, and he didn't think his legs would take grabbing hold of Castiel yet again. Not this soon. He perched himself on the stool, wobbling a bit as he got his bearings. "Do you feel... funny?" he asked quietly, scratching the back of his neck as he risked raising his eyes to look at Cas.
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Castiel was sure he must have been visibly trembling now and how Dean hadn't noticed it he had no idea. He found himself praying that the other man would stay oblivious. As much as Dean seemed to be liking being so close to Cas, he knew better than to think it could possibly be more than the beer. Dean loved women. Castiel knew that, had seen him with them on more than one occasion over the year he'd been charged with Dean's care. He knew even then that he shouldn't watch him like that. And most of the time when he'd realised what was going on he had left until it was over. But a few times Castiel had caught himself paying just a little to much attention. He had told himself that it was simply because he was curious, as he had never been with anyone in anyway. Let alone like that.
As he stood staring into Dean's eyes so close to his and his hand around the man, the man's hand fisted in his shirt. He suddenly realised it hadn't been just curiosity, it had been... what? Jealously, had he really wanted to be the one doing that with Dean? Right now the only answer that came across his mind was 'yes' and if you thought for a second that didn't terrify him you'd be wrong. It scared him so much he all but shook against Dean.
Something about the way Dean said, 'just you and me' sent a shiver down his spine as he felt his blush deepen before giving Dean a lopsided grin. "I would never laugh at you for just being you Dean... I like you." He said innocently again, his nature making it simple to spell out the truth and mean nothing more than it sounded like. He was an angel after all. Even if tonight he was leaving certain things unsaid, the things he did say he meant. He couldn't help the flash of happiness when Dean called his brother a Bitch. He couldn't explain it but he'd never liked Sam to much. He thought it was because he didn't believe Sam was worthy of Dean. After everything Sam had done to Dean, not to mention the world, Castiel did not think Sam deserved his brothers unconditional love and commitment. He had almost been hoping this, what Sam had done would tear them apart. Something that he decided was completely selfish, because he knew it was hurt Dean. And he never wanted Dean to hurt. But as far as he could tell, Sam was the one causing Dean the most pain lately.
Castiel let out a small hiss of air that he tried to keep from escaping his lips as he felt Dean's fingers uncurl from his shirt and press into his chest. He could feel the warmth from each finger as the other man gently caressed his chest. All Castiel could do was hold his breath and stare into Dean's eyes, his mind still clinging to the thoughts about how Sam didn't deserve Dean. Hoping that the distraction would keep his legs from giving out. He had never felt so close to being human as he did right now. And he decided he was really liking it. He loved being what he was and he never wanted to loose his grace and become human. Right now, however, he was happy here like this with Dean.
He was pulled out of his thoughts about Sam however when he felt Dean's palm pressed warm against his cheek and he felt like his body was on fire the moment skin met skin. And it was all he could do to stop himself moaning out Dean's name with all the desire he was feeling right now. It had to be desire, there was no other word Castiel could find to describe it, even if he'd never felt anything close to this before. He managed to stay quiet though but he couldn't stop his eyes from flitting shut his head turning to press into Dean's touch. It was a tiny moment but one he regretted immediately when he felt Dean pat his cheek in nothing more than a friendly way and pull his hand away. Even if to start with his hand had lingered as though he had wanted to caress his face. Castiel knew that pressing into his hand had been to much. And now he looked away from Dean and tried not to let the urge to run out the door over take him.
Dean's whispered words had his heart breaking inside him. He wondered if Dean could hear it shattering. He had never even begun to think that Dean could care this much about him, he hadn't even been that sure before tonight if the man even liked him. And to find out just how much his dying had hurt him, broke his heart. And more than ever he just wanted to hold him, cling to him and tell him he was never going anywhere. That he would not leave him again. "I'm not going anywhere Dean" He murmured as he looked into the beautiful green ones looking back at him. "I promise"
Castiel wasn't sure what he was seeing in Dean's eyes and it made him nervous, the tension between them had grown far to intense and it was almost a relief when Dean stepped away and sat down on the bar stool.... almost. If it had not been for the ache that started deep in his stomach and the cold feeling that tingled along his skin where moments before Dean had been pressed warm against his side...
When Dean asked him if he felt funny, he almost laughed because the look Dean was giving him right now, looking up at him from his stool, eyes wide and questioning, confused even. Made his stomach feel like an cat was trying to scratch its way out of it. He paused for a moment trying to think of his answer. He had no idea if what he was feeling would be called 'funny', because right now it didn't feel in the least bit funny. Serious and life changing might suit it better. And he had no idea what sort of funny feeling Dean was experiencing and he really didn't want to say yes and have to answer exactly what he was feeling. All in all he was very confused and as he turned his head to the side again, gazing at Dean once more he simply told him the truth in a voice that really did convey just how unsure he really was about everything right now. "I... I don't know"
He watched Dean after this and waited for him to elaborate on exactly what the funny feeling was. As he watched him though he picked up on how tired Dean seemed to be getting and he suddenly wondered if Dean would be better off back at his motel sleeping off the beer he'd drunk. "Are you tired? Do you wish me to take you home?" He asked quietly. He would not even contemplate the idea of Dean driving in his current state even if he was almost sure the man would try to protest.
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Part Three
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Authors: kimigirl and doubledgedsword
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Dean knows it's a dream, he knows its not real.... so why does it feel like it means more, and more importantly, why does he wish it was more? And, why, for that matter, does Castiel show up the next moring with a hikey on his neck and angry as hell? If it's not real why does the angel know everything that happened... like he was there?
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
AN: This is done a little different from most fanfiction as it was rewritten on the rpg forum I own. However, it is a good story, and interesting to read if you are a fan of Cas/Dean. It was written by myself and a friend of mine. It is in post form, so will switch back and forward between Dean's POV and Castiel's POV. It is slash and very romantic in parts lol! Anyway, I needed a safe place to keep it just in case the rp site gets deleted for any reason. Which I hope it won't! But it is a possibility. So instead of just saving it to my computer I thought, why not put it on LJ and see what other thought of it! That said, anyone who reads it and likes it let us know!AN: This is done a little different from most fanfiction as it was rewritten on the rpg forum I own. However, it is a good story, and interesting to read if you are a fan of Cas/Dean. It was written by myself and a friend of mine. It is in post form, so will switch back and forward between Dean's POV and Castiel's POV. It is slash and very romantic in parts lol! Anyway, I needed a safe place to keep it just in case the rp site gets deleted for any reason. Which I hope it won't! But it is a possibility. So instead of just saving it to my computer I thought, why not put it on LJ and see what other thought of it! That said, anyone who reads it and likes it let us know!
The part of Dean is written by the wonderful doubledgedsword
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or these characters, they belong to Kripke! May he always keep them well!
Graphic as made by meh!
P.S I am completely knew to LJ so if I do something wrong in my posting, please for everyone's sanity let me know! lol And here is the story.
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP
Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
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Castiel couldn't help but watch Dean, he told himself it was just natural curiosity about humans. Yeah that was it, just curiosity! He conveniently left out the fact that it was never Sam he had an interest in watching, or the bartender now glaring at Dean or... anyone else. Only Dean. He didn't say that remember? However right now watching Dean was making him feel... well he wasn't really sure, uncomfortable maybe? Yeah that was it, uncomfortable so he decided to stop for a moment and took his eyes over to his new beer. He picked it up and took a mouthful. He really did like the taste of it even though he knew that the alcohol would have no effect on him no matter how hopeful Dean sounded right now.
"Why do you want me drunk so badly?" He asked as he glanced over his glass at Dean as he took another mouthful. He might not be able to get drunk but he was starting to like it here with Dean and the confused look was starting to fade. Even if it had been replaced by a slightly uncomfortable one at all the strange emotions running through him. Emotions that he wasn't used to, for so long he'd been ordered not to feel emotions. And now that he was free to do as he wanted he was sometimes overwhelmed by what he was feeling. Not that he didn't enjoy the new freedom, his own free will. It was just a lot to get used to.
"Why did you just pour beer on the floor?" He asked Dean as he watched him doing it while he was saying his little bit about Jimmy. Cas couldn't be sure but it sounded like Dean might have been just a little happy to find out that it was just Castiel in this vessel now. Then again that could simply be wishful thinking... did he say wishful thinking? He took another swallow of beer and glanced around the bar. Looking for anything to look at other than Dean. He was having a hard time ignoring the way Dean looked while he was singing along to the song and it made something in Castiel prickle with warmth that he really didn't understand, but he was pretty sure Dean would not be happy about if he knew.
He all but froze to the spot as Dean wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He could feel the warmth of the other man even through the layers of raincoat and suit. Something he was trying very hard to ignore. What was wrong with him tonight? He had never had feelings like these. Not that he even knew what they were. What's more he was certain that part of him, the part of him that had gotten a thrill out of disobeying Zachariah, out of rebelling, was liking the feelings.
"I never said I couldn't drink Dean, just that I don't need to and never have before."
He made the mistake then of looking up at Dean as they stood beside the bar, Deans arm around his shoulders. And he couldn't do anything but stare way to intensely into Dean's eyes for way to long to go unnoticed. His breath hitched without his realising and finally looked away, something like guilt flashing in his eyes as he took his beer and downed it in one all over again. He knew it made no difference to him but it seemed like a really good idea right now.
"You're already drunk" He pointed out to Dean for no other reason than to try and gloss over what had just happened to him. And also because if he pointed out how drunk Dean was he might be able to convince him that he was seeing things and Cas hadn't just looked at him like he was hungry or something... hungry? really?.
He didn't comment on Deans comment on his smile. Mainly because he didn't really know what to say about it. He had smiled for the first time in thousands of years and the only person in creation he cared about right now had been happy to see it. Had smiled because of it... there goes the prickling again and the warm happy feeling he seemed to be having a lot this evening.
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His favourite verse was coming up, and he air guitared along as he sang the words from memory. "Oooh, she's a killer machine... She's got everything! Like a moving mouth, body control and everything! I love him! I need him!" He stopped himself, wondering when he had changed the lyrics from 'her' to 'him'. Shrugging, too drunk and dream-bound to worry overmuch about it, he turned his attention back to Castiel.
"So I can take advantage of you, precious!" Dean said jokingly, fighting back a fit of laughter. Cas was a bit of a dry sheet at times, and maybe this bit of teasing would shake him out of it. Why did he want Cas drunk, now he thought of it? He had forgotten... Drink was addling his thoughts, and all he could think of was how comfortable he felt around Castiel, and how happy it made him that he was finally taking it easy and not acting like an on-duty soldier.
"You never do that before? Pour out some alcohol in respect for someone who's dead?" Dean asked. He gave Cas an incredulous look and explained, "If someone dies, you pour out a bit of alcohol as a sign of respect. I woulda done the same when you exploded, only you came back all in one piece." He grinned. "That was a good day... finding out you weren't actually chunky pasta sauce on Chuck's walls."
It really had been fantastic when Castiel had turned up, safe and sound. If Dean was honest with himself, there was a lot he had never said to Castiel the first time around, and now he had a second chance he was going to make it up to him... starting with tonight, and the epic drinking session he had planned, and currently in action.
He leaned his weight on Cas, needing a bit of support thanks to the alcohol affecting his balance. Castiel's body was warm underneath his arm, and Dean grinned happily at him. "Well, that just goes to show there's a first time for everything. Hell, this is the first time in my life I've ever had a best friend. Weird how things work out, ain't it?" he said, looking into Castiel's eyes as he spoke.
The look he saw there almost knocked his legs out from underneath him. For what felt like eternity, his green eyes bored into Castiel's blue ones, and for the first time in his life Dean felt like he was on the receiving end of the sort of looks he normally gave hot chicks. More than a little stunned, but not disgusted (oh, definitely not disgusted... that was the really surprising part for him. He was kinda enjoying it...) he removed his arm and stumbled a little as soon as Cas looked away. What the fuck was going on here?! He threw out his arm and caught a hold of Castiel's sleeve to stop himself hitting the deck.
"Yes... I'm very drunk," Dean said proudly, glad of something else to focus on. "And I plan on getting more drunkererer... if that's even a word." Once he had regained his balance, he warily let go of Castiel's sleeve, and held out his arms on either side of him like a tight-rope walker as he tried to balance himself on what seemed to be a swaying floor. "You should smile more often, precious," Dean added cheekily. "Makes you look more human."
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Castiel was glad he was an angel and didn't have to breath to survive or he was fairly certain he'd be long dead right now. He was pretty damn sure he hadn't breathed once since Dean had started talking. Even if he was ridiculously drunk. Castiel could see the truth of what he was saying. He's an angel remember? Can see into your soul and all... Anyway, what he saw in Dean's eyes now was truth and that had his stomach tied up in all kinds of knots. He reminded himself to breath as he felt Dean lean heavier on his shoulders. He couldn't speak for a while after Dean had said that he wanted him drunk to take advantage of him. He wasn't really sure what that meant exactly but he was fairly certain he liked the sound of it. The fluttering in his gut certainly did.
He didn't miss Dean's slip with the lyrics of the song either. He would not have noticed if he had not heard the different lyrics passing out of the speaker. He told himself immediately that he was not singing to Cas. That was just not possible, even though Cas would have liked it to be.... did he really just think that?
"Best friend?" He asked and he couldn't help but notice his voice was not as strong and sure as it normally was. He watched Dean as he wobbled around the place, making sure he was ready to catch him if he were to fall. Just like he always did. He would always be there to catch Dean, that he knew. Nothing in heaven and earth could stop him from doing that now. It was again one of the reasons he disobeyed. So he could be there for Dean...
Anyway, he found himself staring at a very drunk Dean Winchester, one that kept grabbing him for balance. It was for balance right? Yes it had to be... And then Dean had to keep on talking. And the things he was saying were making the knots in Castiels stomach almost painful. But he honestly didn't know why. Why the thought of Dean thinking of him as a friend, or wanting to get him drunk, or calling him precious... why was he calling him precious again? He'd never answered that question. "Why are you calling me precious?" He asked more sternly this time. Though it was clear from his tone that he was curious not annoyed. For reasons unknown he sorta liked the way it sounded. Even if he liked the way it sounded when Dean called him Cas even more. More than he liked the sound of almost anything. Shit what is wrong with him tonight? Maybe he needed to get out of here. Something was clearly making him crazy.
"Angels do not have drinks to tip out Dean" He said in a manner that clearly showed that he thought Dean should have remembered that. However, he was smirking at him, which really countered his seriousness. He wondered if Dean would even notice his, probably very poor, attempt at a joke. He couldn't dwell on that thought for long because the next words out of Deans mouth made his breath hitch again and he looked at him very seriously now. All smirk gone from his blue eyes. "I am sorry you had to see... me like that" he all but whispered as he couldn't hold Deans gaze any more and he stared at the floor for a moment. So Dean cared, actually cared that He had come back. That he hadn't died. "I didn't know you cared that much Dean" he said in a rush before he could stop the words escaping his lips. He looked up now at Dean a little scared about what he might say to that. "I mean... I ... you never really seemed to like me much back then. Didn't think..."
He stopped then because he was showing way more emotion in his voice than he was ever wanting to do again. But as he looked up at Dean and saw him smiling and when the only man to ever get him to rebel against heaven, drink beer and smile for no other reason than being in his company told him that he should smile more because it made him look more human. All Cas could do was snort out a laugh and given him the biggest grin he'd ever give in his life. Literally.
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Dean slopped some of his drink on the ground as he tried to keep his balance. The floor was definitely far wobblier than he recalled it being earlier in the night, and he didn't appreciate it. Floors should be sturdy, and even, and on the level... bit like Cas, really. Good old Cas... Reliable, trustworthy, floor-like Cas... He gripped Castiel's arm again as he struggled to keep himself upright, and eventually just leaned against Castiel's side, giving up his balance as a lost cause.
"I'm just... just gonna lean against you for a lil bit, ok buddy? The floor isn't as stable as you are," he said, slurring his words slightly. It was definitely very pleasant having Castiel to lean on. Somehow, he knew that Cas would never, ever let him fall. It was definitely a pleasant thought. Even with the Apocalypse, he had someone to lean on. Good to know...
"You know what we should do?" Dean said excitedly, an idea occurring to him. "We should do karaoke! Angels are supposed to be good at singing, am I right? Singing hymns and stuff... got harps..." he trailed off, his thoughts becoming slightly fuzzier as he tried to recall the angel lore he knew. There was precious little as it was. He needed Sam for lore, or Bobby. But right now, he had Cas, and that was good enough for him.
"Yeah, man, you're my best friend. You know more about me than my family, and now you're out drinking with me. That makes you my best friend, don't it" he asked, looking at Cas with a grin as he leaned against him. Castiel's next demand made him laugh, and he raised a hand to his forehead, not realising he still had an empty beer glass clutched in it, and bumped it off his head. "Ow," he remarked, and set the glass down. Another gesture to the barman produced two more beers, and he gratefully took his and took a large swig. "I called you precious cos it suits you," Dean explained, his words definitely more slurred now. "You exploded... and you came back. Makes you rare... makes you precious." He booped Castiel on the nose with the index finger of his free hand, and had to fumble to catch a hold of Castiel's arm again as his balance wobbled.
He laughed. "Still struggling with humour, huh? Don't ever change, Cas, I mean that," Dean joked. He really did mean it. Much as he may want Castiel to loosen up and relax once in a while, he didn't want his angel to change, not one bit. His angel. Huh. Weird choice of words, but he shrugged them off. There was more beer to be had, and more talking with Castiel. Good night so far. He chugged his beer yet again, almost completely draining it. His liver seemed to weep inside of him as he set down the almost empty glass on the bar.
Cas looked unbearably sad at the mention of his explosion incident. "Hey..." Dean said gently, patting him on the shoulder as best he could while still trying to remain upright. "Hey, it's alright... Wasn't your fault. You did it for me, it was my fault. Shouldn't have let you stay behind and get blown up. You did it for me, Cas, of course I care."
He looked into Castiel's eyes yet again, and smiled. "Come on... you could be a jerk at times, but every day I see you being more and more human. I know you only do what you think is right. It was your choices I didn't like, not you. I've always liked you..."
Dean felt his legs wobble and he fell heavily against Cas. Had he been sober, he would have been mortified, but while he was drunk all he could do was laugh. "Dude, you're smiling again!" he said, positively beaming at this stage as he tried to remove himself from Castiel's person and stand like a real man.
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Castiel felt Deans weight over his shoulders again and he so did not just let out a satisfied sigh as the warm feeling of the man beside him pressed into him again. He wanted to wrap an arm around Dean's waist... only, he told himself, to help keep him upright. Something Dean was clearly having trouble with right now. But he held back, too used to never acting on his emotions and desires. He suppressed them now just like he had done his entire existence. The only difference it seemed to him now was that this time it actually felt like it almost physically hurt him not to reach out and hold Dean close to his side as the other man clung to his shoulders to stop from falling over.
"It is not the floor that is unstable Dean, it is you. I think you have had enough beer. I do not wish to have you pass out on me" He said as he took Deans latest beer and moved it to sit it in front of him instead. He then gave Dean a small smile and almost murmured... at least thats what he thought it was that he was doing, but why would he be murmuring right now? "How about you just watch me try to drink myself into a stupor for a while instead?" With that he picked up one of the two beers he had in front of him and downed it in one before almost choking for the second time that night. "Singing? You want me to sing with you?" He asked in a voice somewhere between horror and terror. There was no way on earth he was about to get up and sing in front of all these people. Especially in front of Dean... and yet the one man he seemed to have a ridiculous inability to say no to was practically begging him to do it... ok so not begging but as far as Castiel was concerned he might as well have been.
He looked away from Dean, knowing that eye contact right now would be his down fall. "I do not sing Dean" He said stiffly in a voice he hoped was as authoritative and powerful as he willed it to be without raising the volume at all. Cas had been so shocked by the idea of singing it took him a moment to realise Dean was no longer leaning on him with his arm over his shoulders. Instead he was sort of swaying dangerously as every now and then he reached out and grabbed his arm to stop himself from falling. It made Cas smile at him, amused as he simply watched it. Finding, to his surprise, that he was enjoying seeing Dean like this, the pain and guilt and shit that he was so used to seeing in Dean's eyes. The stuff that tears at his heart every time he has to look at the man he loves.... erm. He glanced away into the distance at this thought and his eyes grew wide for a moment as he realised that maybe it was the truth. It was the emotion he had not understood till this moment. Or rather had not allowed himself to admit till now. It was the reason he'd done it all for Dean. Not that he'd ever tell the hunter that. He knew Dean to well to realise that even beginning to hope he felt the same way was foolish. And telling him would just freak him out.
Cas looked back at Dean, torn from his thoughts at the mention of why Dean had been calling him precious. And he felt his face drop a little for a moment, the disappointment evident in his eyes for the briefest of moments. God he hoped Dean hadn't seen it as he returns the smile to his face. Quietly asking "So I'm precious in general then?" Not adding the not just to you that he was almost desperate to say out loud, but he just couldn't. He was already reeling from all the realizations of the night. The last thing he needed was for Dean to notice he was struggling with something and start bugging him about it.
He laughed now as Dean wobbled even more and reached out a hand just in case he fell. It didn't make contact with the other mans body the way he longed to. He would only do that if he really needed to. No point in torturing himself by touching something he could never have. Because this was all just a dream for Dean right. And then the fact was that, even now Dean, dream Dean couldn't possibly feel the way Cas was. So no, he would not reach out and wrap an arm around him. He listened quietly though, watching Dean's expression change as he talked about that night. The night he had died, that Lucifer had risen. And it almost killed him to hear Dean blaming himself. He looked at him seriously and whispered then. Because his voice was to tight with emotion to be any louder. "Dean none of it was your fault. It was my choice and I did it all for you... and I would do it again. All of it. But this time I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. Maybe if I hadn't been so stupid... if I had listened to you sooner we would have been able to stop Sam. End all this before it began"
He was about to say fuck it then and reach out for Dean because he couldn't fight the need to feel him closer to him when Dean all but feel on top of him. Losing his balance as he smiled again and told Cas never to change and that smiling suited him. God did that ever make his stomach flip flop and this time he really did reach behind Dean and wrap a strong arm around his waist. Pulling him up so he was standing on his own two feet again rather than pulling Cas down with him. However when Dean was again standing, Cas did not release his grip on him, instead he kept his arm around Dean in case he feel again. Yes that was the reason. He almost laughed at the thought because he clearly couldn't lie to himself about this anymore.
He stared smiling into Dean's eyes now as he gripped him tighter than he really needed to and couldn't help but tingle all along the side of his body that now had Dean pressed up against him. He longed to twist round, make it so they were standing chest to chest. Pressed against each other. To have Dean's face so close to his he could count the freckles. Feel his breath on his neck.... ok he had to stop now. Never in his life had he felt these desires. Never even come close to wanting someone in this way. It was scaring the ever loving shit out of him and he could only cringe at what Dean would say if he knew what was flying through Castiel's mind right now.
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Dean sang quietly under his breath, making up a song as he went. He was just drunk enough to do it. "Cas is like a floor... Cas is a floor... Cas is my floooooooor..." He stopped singing and laughed, because someone had just selected Bonnie Tyler's "I Need A Hero" on the jukebox. Worst. Song. Ever. Sammy may have considered Dean's tape collection to be the greatest hits of mullet rock, but even Dean considered this song to be kinda sad. He wondered briefly when the bar fight would start... it was bound to after some sad jack-off picked a song like that.
He leaned against Cas, unconcerned by his closeness to the angel, as he was by how comfortable it felt. He was just grateful to have someone stopping him from looking like an idjit in front of Castiel... even if that someone was Castiel. Meh, it made no sense, not even to him, but what did make sense was being here with Cas. That was... really nice.
"'M not unstable," Dean insisted as clearly as he was able, "'S the floor. Like a ship. All wobbly an' stuff." He grinned at Cas and chucked his chin like an old movie star would do with his best girl. "Not gonna pass out on ya, buddy... Gonna get you gooooood an' drunk." He almost wailed when Cas took his beer, but then cheered encouragingly as he chugged it all in one shot. "Whoa! Go, Cas!" he whooped and raised both arms in the air in celebration, then flailed slightly as gravity reminded him that it was not his bitch any more.
"Get up and sing with me, yeah!" Dean enthused. "We'll sing something by Metallica... or Boston. Yeah, Boston! We'll sing 'More Than A Feeling', whaddya think precious?" The more he thought about it, the better an idea it became. Karaoke! Why had he never tried it before! Some teeny part of him that was still a very sober and very unamused Dean Winchester reminded him that it was because karaoke was something that girls and Sam Winchester indulged in, not serious business hunters like him. Drunk Dean told Sober Dean to shut his fool mouth, and grinned sloppily at Castiel. "You don't wanna sing with me?" he asked, trying to do the puppy dog eyes that Sammy was so good at. He wasn't sure he was doing it right, but it always worked for Sam...
He pushed away from Cas, trying his best to look hurt, and instead staggered a bit until he bumped his hip against a bar stool and knocked it over. "Whoops!" he laughed, and tried to pick it back up. About half a second after he tried bending to pick it up, Dean gave it up as a bad move, and lurched drunkenly back to Cas. Good old Cas... He'd fix the barstool. Eventually. Do his sha-na-na-na-na healing stuff on it.
"Course you're precious in general," Dean said, watching his step as he walked like a bad Scooby Doo cartoon (all tentative steps and much arm flailing) and added, "But you're precious to me, too. You're the only angel I can trust, and you're my best friend."
Cas was kinda wide-eyed when he reached him again, and Dean raised his eyebrows at him. "Spidey senses tingling, Cas man?" he asked. "Or just shocked that I didn't fall over? Cos I'm pretty shocked m'self." He found himself wishing he was less drunk. He didn't want to look like a complete idjit in front of Castiel. Sam would lecture him if he saw him like this, Bobby would call him an idjit and tell him to sleep it off and come back when he wasn't retarded. But Cas had been smiling and laughing at his drunken demeanour, and Dean was pretty damn confused by the fuzzy feeling he got when he heard Cas laugh. It was such a rare thing, like killing something evil before it could hurt someone, or like Paris Hilton behaving like a lady. He noticed Castiel's outstretched hand, clearly there just in case gravity decided to make Dean her bitch, and he caught hold of it to prevent against that eventuality. Yup, only for that reason. The warm sensation in his stomach and the pounding of his heart were clearly from the over-consumption of alcohol, and not because he was, essentially, holding Castiel's hand. He dropped it hurriedly, convinced he was just being drunk and stupid.
"Hey, listen to me Cas! You're not blowing up again. Not ever. It nearly tore me in two last time..." He trailed off, not wanting to relive that night. Finding out he was walking around in what used to be Cas... learning that Cas was gone, gone beyond any hope of return, that he'd never be able to yell at that stoic face again, nor search those blue eyes for the humanity he knew was always there... It had been the icing and cherry on the shit-cake that had been the worst day of his second life. "Come on, those assholes were always gonna find a way. If it wasn't Sam, it'd be someone else, and there was no hope of keeping Lilith alive indefinitinitinitelllyyyy..." He stopped himself, realising he couldn't quite say the word whilst drunk. "For forevers," he said more firmly, and nodded, as if satisfied that he had overcome some obstacle. "It's my fault you blew up. I shoulda taken you with me. Should never have left you behind. I'm never gonna do that again."
He shook his head, and felt Castiel's grip tightening about his waist. He was upright again, and he couldn't help but laugh. His eyes met Castiel's, and he grinned his rare lop-sided grin that he kept for special occasions at him. Castiel's arm about his waist, Castiel's side against his. It felt so comfortable that Dean wondered would he ever feel this good without Cas pressed up against him again.
"You stole my drink..." Dean said, mimicking the pup eyes again.
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Castiel simply stood beside Dean absorbing the mans warmth and the sound of his voice and still he could not help but smile. It was incredibly amusing to him to see Dean this way. Especially when he started going on about the floor being like a ship. Which Castiel could clearly see was not true. Just as he could see he was not a floor no matter what Dean was... singing. "I am not a floor you realise yes?" He asked Dean with a grin. He wanted to make sure that Dean was still at least half way sane. He kept his hand around Dean as he fought the urge to draw him still closer. The skin on his hand was still tingling from where Dean had held it earlier. He had not done it for long but the contact seemed to set the skin under Dean's fingers alight with heat that was still lingering. Castiel did not understand these sensations he was feeling, but one thing he was sure on... he really liked them. All of them, even the tight knots he got in his stomach when Dean said his name or the fluttering he felt when Dean had said he cared.
So it was much to his horror when he happened to look at Dean who was once more asking him to sing with him. And saw a look that made him question his own grip on gravity for a moment as he felt his knees wobble under him. He had no idea what the look meant exactly as he'd never had anyone ever look at him like that. He knew almost immediately that he thought it was the most wonderful look he'd ever seen on Dean's face. Big eyes staring up at him, half hurt, half hopeful and completely beautiful and he felt himself go weak as his breath hitched again. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He all but moaned at Dean. He was terrified by the idea of having to sing. He'd never sang in his life, and he didn't want to start now in a bar in front of a bunch of humans he didn't know. More importantly he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Dean.
"Please, please don't make me sing here Dean" He begged as he looked deep into his eyes hoping the man would see how much he didn't want to and give up his insane idea. "Not here, not now..." He added. Maybe if he promised to sing with Dean some other time. Some time when it was just the two of them that he had to look like a fool in front of... yeah he might be able to handle that. If it was to make Dean happy.
He was drawn out of his panic however by a crash and for a moment he thought Dean was going to follow the bar stool to the floor, he didn't however, much to Castiel's amazement and he just shook his head as he watched Dean straighten himself out again and stand up. Before any human could blink Cas had picked up the stool and set it right as though it had never been knocked down. Just in time for Dean to fall into his arms. Which is where the man still was now remember? Something Cas was more than happy about. Anyway, back to what happened next.
Dean was talking again, telling Cas that he was precious not just in general, but to him personally and that right there was all that Castiel cared about. His Dean... his Dean? Thought he was precious, thought he was trustworthy. "I... I think you're precious too Dean" He stammered out unable to help himself. He was nervous about saying it but he needed to say it all the same.
It was when Dean went on about that day again and blaming himself that Castiel felt sadness tug at the warm happy feeling he had going on tonight. And he shook his head hard and looked hard at Dean. He needed Dean to hear him right now and to believe him. "Dean it was not your fault, any of it. Especially me dying. I would not have let you take me with you even if you had tried to. And you know you would not have been able to make me Dean... in case you hadn't noticed I have a little over you in the power department." He teased with a small grin, trying to lighten a sad topic. Though his eyes were still very serious. "I died to save you and I would do it again. I am so sorry it hurt you so bad, I had no idea what it was like for you...." His voice had grown quiet as he looked at Dean now with so much compassion and love he was almost sure the other would see it. Castiel really couldn't bring himself to care right now. "If I could take it back, make it so you didn't have to go through that..." He stopped before he finished because he was not sure how he was going to finish that sentence anyway. And his throat felt heavy and his eyes stung a little. So he had to look away and blink a few times before turning back again and laughing.
Dean was giving him that look again from earlier and it hit him like a punch to the gut how much he wanted to do anything for the man before him if it meant he would look at him like that more often. He nodded with a grin that a mother would give a sleepy child who was telling her they didn't need to go to bed. "Yes I did, because you don't need it as much as I do" And with that he took the other beer on the bar, his own this time and chugged it down to. "This stuff really is not working Dean" he said as he set the glass down and smiled. He had known it wouldn't, but he really didn't care right now. Because for the first time in his life, Castiel was having fun!
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Dean was sloppily drunk at this stage. Unlike some, Dean was a happy sloppy drunk. Some people could be mean, or paranoid, or depressive drunks... Dean Winchester was a sloppy, happy mess with gravity issues whilst drunk. Think labradoodle on ice, and you have a pretty good idea of Dean's current state.
"Need to lie down..." he muttered. "You sure you're not a floor, cos I really need a floor to lie on, and that one down there..." he paused to poke a wary toe on the floor beneath him, "I don't trust it. Looks all wobbly to me."
He told himself that what he had just said was not meant in any way other than an innocent one. He did not want to lie on top of Cas. He was drunk, and clearly making innuendos where there were no innuendos. Dean grinned, trying to cover it by pretending he hadn't said it at all, and moving on quickly to the next topic.
"I'm looking at you like that 'cos you won't sing with me!" Dean said, his voice accusing. "An' here I was, thinkin' we were best buddies... Well not no more, pal! Nuh-uh! Buddies that sing together, stay together!" He made a dramatic hand gesture in the air, and did sort of a half pirouette, not coping well with the sudden shift in his centre of gravity. He flung out a hand to stop himself face-planting in the middle of the bar, and found his hand clutching Castiel's shirt as he righted himself.
He could feel Castiel's heart beating under his clenched fingers, and it was surprising how pleasant it felt to feel another heartbeat under his touch. It had been months since he had felt this kind of closeness to another person. Dean Winchester certainly wasn't above a bit of "self loving", but this simple contact with Cas electrocuted him in a way that was entirely alien and completely familiar at the same time. It felt more intimate than it should, and he raised surprised eyes to meet Castiel's gaze, hoping he wouldn't think he was some kind of pervy angel-fancier.
He said in a low tone, "OK, we don't have to sing tonight... but I'll get you to sing some other night, ok? Just you an' me, no Sam. Promise." Why was he promising Cas more alone time? His head was too fuzzy to try and process these confusing thoughts and feelings right now. It was too much. He needed some hair of the dog, or a good old fashioned fried breakfast, to help counteract some of the alcohol. He wanted a clear head. This was way too much!
"You think I'm precious?" he asked, feeling suddenly woozy. If the floor was wobbly earlier, it was lurching now. Must be the alcohol. Yep. Alcohol. His grip redoubled on Cas. One of his knuckles touched the flesh of Castiel's chest as the fabric twisted, exposing his skin between two buttons on his shirt. It was the barest amount of contact, but there was that electric jolt again, and Dean almost pushed him away in shock. Almost... he couldn't quite bring himself to break that touch.
So, he stood there, his hand clutching Castiel's shirt, and listening as Cas told him that none of it was his fault. But... it had been, hadn't it? He had let Cas down badly that night. He had really let him down, and Dean was never gonna give him up, never gonna let him down [OOC: RICKROLL'D! COULDN'T RESIST!] if he could help it. "If I have to, I'll return the favour," Dean whispered. "You died for me, man, that's heavy stuff."
He felt tears sting his eyes as the memory of that night burned through his alcohol tainted head. "I walked in you, Cas. I wanted to be sick. Nobody's ever gone out on a limb for me like that before. I've done it for Sammy, and my Dad, but nobody ever took a bullet for me... except you." He grinned at Cas, trying not to let the tears shed. His eyes must have looked pretty glassy, but he didn't care. He laughed as Cas laughed, glad to leave the heartbreaking topic behind.
"How do you need it more if'n it's not workin', Cas?" he asked, raising the Dean Winchester eyebrow of awesome and smirking. Smiling really did suit Castiel. Dean could view him as a comrade, a companion, a friend... and maybe more when he smiled. He wasn't just the angel... whoa, hold up a sec, did he actually think 'maybe more'? There was something wacky in that beer. That had to be it. Dean Winchester liked hot girls, and not stupid sexy Castiel in his stupid sexy trenchcoat with his stupid sexy eyes and smile... Dean gave a sort of half squawk of alarm and snatched the empty beer glass from the bar. He held it above his open lips, letting the last dregs drip into his mouth. He smacked his lips together and frowned, eyeing up the now empty glass. "This shit taste funny to you?" he demanded.
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Cas blinked at Dean for a moment, the confused look back and his head turned to the side as he studied Dean again. "You wish to lay on me?" He asked him completely niave and confused as to why Dean would want him as a floor. Though part of him wasn't totally averse to the idea of Dean lying on top of him. Feeling his weight and warmth press into him as he looked up at him. He wondered briefly what Dean looked like from that angle before adding. "I do not think that this bar would be the best place for me to be your floor Dean..."
Castiel was seriously glad right now he had not been drinking anything when Dean looked down into his eyes and promised that one day just he and Dean would do the singing thing. It wasn't so much the singing thing that shook him and made him tremble slightly. It was the way Dean looked at him as he promised him more time alone. Really alone at that. Not in a bar surround by people. And Castiel knew that should not make him as happy as it did but he couldn't help it. "Fine if its just you and me I will sing with you..." He consented as he looked on at Dean his eyes betraying just how much he was enjoying this evening. "As long as you promise you won't laugh at me. I've never sung anything before..." He hung his head a little at this admission and for the first time in his life, this night seemed to hold a lot of firsts for him, he felt himself blush as his face warmed.
He would have kept staring at the floor until the blush had left him if it hadn't been for the sound of Dean almost smacking his head against the bar and grabbing the front of his shirt. Cas still had his arm around Dean's waist but now as he looked up and increased the pressure to keep the man up right again. Cas couldn't help but gasp a little at how close Dean was now. His face was as close as it ever had been even with Castiel's apparent personal space issues. And Dean's hand was twisted up in his shirt pulling at it enough for Castiel to feel the hot touch of Dean's knuckle on his chest. And it truly was his chest now, it was just him in here now remember!? And the contact made him shiver, literally shiver as he continued to look at Dean, his arm still around him, their bodies close but not quite touching. He was at the present unable to form words much less string sentences together. So he just stood quietly and listened to Dean.
He couldn't help the smile that came to him when Dean asked if he really thought he was precious. It seemed like such a silly question to Cas, but one he would answer anyway. Because he needed Dean to know... to understand at least some of what he meant to him. "Dean I gave up everything for you, I have never cared about anyone as much as I care about you... ever... so yes, I think your precious. Because to me you... are." He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. Because to him right now, here with Dean practically wrapped in his arms and talking to him like he'd never done before. Finally opening up and being honest, it really was just that simple. He loved Dean, cherished him. Simple as that.
The next words out of Dean's mouth made him frown though. How was he ever going to convince Dean his dying had not been his fault. The man had enough pain on his shoulders, Castiel really didn't want to be adding to it. So instead of telling him again that it was not his fault he softly said something that he felt Dean needed to hear right now. "Hey I'm ok, I'm here. Not dead see? You saved me Dean because without you God would never have had reason to bring me back. And if I had not died for disobeying, then the life I would be living right now... without you in it would not be worth what I have gained by helping you." He pulled Dean closer as he talked, his piercing blue eyes looking up into Dean's green ones as the closeness made him shiver. "I'm fine, I'm here and I'm never going to leave you Dean. You will always have me when you need me. And I would do what I did again and again if it meant saving your life."
When he finished talking he saw that Dean's eyes were glassy with emotion and all he wanted to do was wrap the man in a tight hug, and hold on to him until all his pain was gone. So he was extremely glad when Dean smiled again and started staring at the now empty beer glass. Because the last thing Cas thought he could handle now was Dean pushing him away like he was sure he would have done if he'd actually grabbed hold of him.
"Dean I've never tasted beer before, how would I know if it tasted funny. And why would it taste funny anyway? You didn't seem to be complaining before when you were drinking it like you couldn't get enough" he said with a grin as he loosened his grip on Dean's waist and finally let his arm fall from the mans body. He decided that he should break the contact now before he went and did something really stupid.
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"Probably not," Dean chortled, and then snorted with laughter, unable to help himself. Cas hadn't really got the double meaning, thank whatever fucking deity had been listening in (and doubtless, laughing their ass off in the process) and decided to spare him the mortification of a rejection from Castiel.
He wasn't sure why he was worried about Cas rejecting him. He was still pretty drunk, and while Dean normally had little trouble with being rejected by the fairer sex (as it happened so rarely) he had a funny notion in his head that Cas wouldn't want a flawed, useless failure of a human like him. Besides, he was Michael's vessel. He was a meat suit for an angel, and if he survived that, he'd end up like Jimmy... with a permanent angel in his body, and no soul of his own along for the ride. It was a depressing thought, and one that made him all the more determined to never let Michael muscle in on his body.
There was only one angel allowed near that, and that was Cas, and right now he was as near as he had ever been, and it was ... electric. That was the word of the moment. Had Dean ever picked up one of those god-awful Mills and Boon romance novels, he would have recognised the term 'sparks flying', but since he hadn't, the only way he could describe this was as though it were electricity. Like Castiel's pounding heart was surging some sort of wild jolt through him with every beat. Dean was unnerved by this. He had never felt anything like this before, not even with chicks, and it was really confusing. Cas was his best friend, his angel... there was nothing more to it, right?
Right?
"Just you and me, yeah," Dean found himself saying, and he wanted to kick himself. He was finding this all more than a little disarming, and now he was letting his mouth hit the accelerator without putting his brain into gear. "And I won't laugh at you if you don't laugh at me. Sammy always laughs when I sing along. Calls it 'mullet rock'. Sammy's a bitch..." he said in a low mutter, protective of his old music collection. Sammy wouldn't know good taste if it kicked him in the crotch. Dean's smile twitched at the thought of a rock-out session with Cas. He looked up just in time to see Cas blush and look away.
They were reeeeeal close now. So close their noses were almost touching. Cas had always had personal space issues, that was nothing new, but for once Dean didn't have an aversion to it. For a split second he loosened his grip on Castiel's shirt, allowed his fingers to caress his chest, and then gripped his shirt twice as hard as he had before. Whyyyyyyy had he done that? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Dean couldn't even answer his own thoughts right now. Touching Castiel's chest had made his heart feel like it was going to explode. Castiel's next words didn't do his ticker any favours, either.
He thought his heart was going to burst. Cas really had given up everything for him. He had rebelled, become a fallen angel, been blown up, and all for him. Dean felt pretty damn selfish at that moment. What had he done for Cas in all that time, other than fail him, let him down? It wasn't right. He had to make it right somehow, but he wasn't sure how.
This felt like a hug... Dean knew that some macho part of him should have shrugged it off, and should have pointed at some hot girl and encouraged Cas to admire her many fine attributes... but he didn't want to. It felt so good to be almost held by another that he didn't want it to end. He put his hand on Castiel's cheek, and realising just how intimate a gesture that really was, he patted it in a manly fashion and reluctantly pulled his hand away. "Don't leave me again," he whispered. "I can't go through that, not again."
The electric feeling between them was building until it felt almost like he was burned just by the proximity to Cas, from the simple touch of his hands on his body. Such innocent, harmless touches... and yet they were filling Dean with strange feelings he had never had before, at least not for another man. It was almost a relief when Cas broke their touch. It had been an intense few minutes there, and now all that simmering electricity seemed to be fading into the background. Dean gave a slight shiver and tried to focus on what Cas was saying.
"Just made me feel funny, that's all," Dean muttered, and fumbled for a bar stool. He felt woozy again, and a little weak, and he didn't think his legs would take grabbing hold of Castiel yet again. Not this soon. He perched himself on the stool, wobbling a bit as he got his bearings. "Do you feel... funny?" he asked quietly, scratching the back of his neck as he risked raising his eyes to look at Cas.
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Castiel was sure he must have been visibly trembling now and how Dean hadn't noticed it he had no idea. He found himself praying that the other man would stay oblivious. As much as Dean seemed to be liking being so close to Cas, he knew better than to think it could possibly be more than the beer. Dean loved women. Castiel knew that, had seen him with them on more than one occasion over the year he'd been charged with Dean's care. He knew even then that he shouldn't watch him like that. And most of the time when he'd realised what was going on he had left until it was over. But a few times Castiel had caught himself paying just a little to much attention. He had told himself that it was simply because he was curious, as he had never been with anyone in anyway. Let alone like that.
As he stood staring into Dean's eyes so close to his and his hand around the man, the man's hand fisted in his shirt. He suddenly realised it hadn't been just curiosity, it had been... what? Jealously, had he really wanted to be the one doing that with Dean? Right now the only answer that came across his mind was 'yes' and if you thought for a second that didn't terrify him you'd be wrong. It scared him so much he all but shook against Dean.
Something about the way Dean said, 'just you and me' sent a shiver down his spine as he felt his blush deepen before giving Dean a lopsided grin. "I would never laugh at you for just being you Dean... I like you." He said innocently again, his nature making it simple to spell out the truth and mean nothing more than it sounded like. He was an angel after all. Even if tonight he was leaving certain things unsaid, the things he did say he meant. He couldn't help the flash of happiness when Dean called his brother a Bitch. He couldn't explain it but he'd never liked Sam to much. He thought it was because he didn't believe Sam was worthy of Dean. After everything Sam had done to Dean, not to mention the world, Castiel did not think Sam deserved his brothers unconditional love and commitment. He had almost been hoping this, what Sam had done would tear them apart. Something that he decided was completely selfish, because he knew it was hurt Dean. And he never wanted Dean to hurt. But as far as he could tell, Sam was the one causing Dean the most pain lately.
Castiel let out a small hiss of air that he tried to keep from escaping his lips as he felt Dean's fingers uncurl from his shirt and press into his chest. He could feel the warmth from each finger as the other man gently caressed his chest. All Castiel could do was hold his breath and stare into Dean's eyes, his mind still clinging to the thoughts about how Sam didn't deserve Dean. Hoping that the distraction would keep his legs from giving out. He had never felt so close to being human as he did right now. And he decided he was really liking it. He loved being what he was and he never wanted to loose his grace and become human. Right now, however, he was happy here like this with Dean.
He was pulled out of his thoughts about Sam however when he felt Dean's palm pressed warm against his cheek and he felt like his body was on fire the moment skin met skin. And it was all he could do to stop himself moaning out Dean's name with all the desire he was feeling right now. It had to be desire, there was no other word Castiel could find to describe it, even if he'd never felt anything close to this before. He managed to stay quiet though but he couldn't stop his eyes from flitting shut his head turning to press into Dean's touch. It was a tiny moment but one he regretted immediately when he felt Dean pat his cheek in nothing more than a friendly way and pull his hand away. Even if to start with his hand had lingered as though he had wanted to caress his face. Castiel knew that pressing into his hand had been to much. And now he looked away from Dean and tried not to let the urge to run out the door over take him.
Dean's whispered words had his heart breaking inside him. He wondered if Dean could hear it shattering. He had never even begun to think that Dean could care this much about him, he hadn't even been that sure before tonight if the man even liked him. And to find out just how much his dying had hurt him, broke his heart. And more than ever he just wanted to hold him, cling to him and tell him he was never going anywhere. That he would not leave him again. "I'm not going anywhere Dean" He murmured as he looked into the beautiful green ones looking back at him. "I promise"
Castiel wasn't sure what he was seeing in Dean's eyes and it made him nervous, the tension between them had grown far to intense and it was almost a relief when Dean stepped away and sat down on the bar stool.... almost. If it had not been for the ache that started deep in his stomach and the cold feeling that tingled along his skin where moments before Dean had been pressed warm against his side...
When Dean asked him if he felt funny, he almost laughed because the look Dean was giving him right now, looking up at him from his stool, eyes wide and questioning, confused even. Made his stomach feel like an cat was trying to scratch its way out of it. He paused for a moment trying to think of his answer. He had no idea if what he was feeling would be called 'funny', because right now it didn't feel in the least bit funny. Serious and life changing might suit it better. And he had no idea what sort of funny feeling Dean was experiencing and he really didn't want to say yes and have to answer exactly what he was feeling. All in all he was very confused and as he turned his head to the side again, gazing at Dean once more he simply told him the truth in a voice that really did convey just how unsure he really was about everything right now. "I... I don't know"
He watched Dean after this and waited for him to elaborate on exactly what the funny feeling was. As he watched him though he picked up on how tired Dean seemed to be getting and he suddenly wondered if Dean would be better off back at his motel sleeping off the beer he'd drunk. "Are you tired? Do you wish me to take you home?" He asked quietly. He would not even contemplate the idea of Dean driving in his current state even if he was almost sure the man would try to protest.
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Part Three
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