Ack Blah Splat
Hi, I’m trying to listen to *happy* Mary Lou Lord music though I have this nagging need to smash things and scream very very mother fucking loudly.
Mmm ever stop and think that maybe you’re not every thing you always hoped that you would be? I am thinking this now. I’m not entirely sure that I can be everything I want to be. I realize that I have a lot of unfulfilled desires. I realize this life I’m living right now isn’t quite the kind of novel I’d want to read….well not the novel I would want to live though I think I would enjoy reading it due to the heavy angst/love/hate/fucked up aspect. :-P
So here it is and here I am. I’m not great. I’m just me and I’m blah. I want to be smarter, faster and more of a person I would be obsessed with. I am no longer the girl that was charming and witty…intelligent and mature. I’m all of a sudden an adult and no one stops to praise me. No one stops to tell me I’m all they hoped I would be. Man I feel rather fucked up.
I’m not dating a Douglas Coupland character or at least not an Andy or Hotel Guy or even a Dan. The only deep thoughts I hear are the how much I want to fuck other women thoughts…..this is disturbing to me. No matter what my feelings are I would like to know that I’m the one. I want to know that I am the inspiration. I am the thing that drives. But I am not. I am only thought of when he is angsty and needs someone to adore him or only when he thinks of how guilty he would be if he fucked some other woman. I feel like maybe this is just bullshit and I’m a crack head to be here still.
“Helsinki is around the corner and I’m going through Hell”. - Mary Lou
Mmm so here I am. I feel WAY more mature than I was a few weeks ago. It’s that really weird? How did that happen? *sigh* I miss the days of going to Rocky and meeting a hot piece of ass to obsess over. I don’t care anymore. I just want to be wanted so much and I want to be adored but you know I’m not sure I want that either.
“Why does he love that kind of girl?” - Mary Lou (again)
I’m being deep but it’s really kind of silly isn’t it? I’m just an idiot and I’m not really that different anymore. That whole being special thing has kind of drifted off. I’m just a girl and an angry one. I feel like I should be picking up my geetar and playing angsty chick folk songs….like I should being reading my poetry in a room full of coffee drinkers.
Did I mention what I want to be?
1) I want to read my poetry in a room full of ppl I think will understand and be interested. Does this sound silly? I guess it might but I want to do it. I love expressing myself via the word and I want to do it via the voice now too.
2) I want have that “life as novel” love affair where I love that person so much and they love me too and we click and don’t end up half way killing each other….where there’s no abuse of any kind….no hitting and no name calling. Where we love each other and go to coffee shops together and read and really understand each other. I don’t want any more of this “I’m sorry I just can’t understand you” bullshit.
3) I want to break out of this weird shell I feel like I’m in and just be glowing with fabulousness. Is that too much to ask? I don’t really think so.
4) there’s more I swear but I’m feeling a little doggy right now…more sugar for Kimby man.
-me
Mirrored from "The Misadventures of Kimby".