A little humor, a lotta meta
Particular posts on this community (about Mary Sues, OOC characters, fanon vs canon, and assorted what-have-you) inspired me to make some humorous observations about the Nobodies. Here they are in prose form, since I'm much more comfortable with that than any type of essay writing. If this post is inappropriate or belongs in
khffr_buddies instead, please inform me. I'll be more than happy to (re)move it.
It's a little on the long-ish side.
"I propose that we cease calling you Xehanort," Even announced rather abruptly. It was a non-sequitur; the agenda had called for discussion of the latest bake sale (total profit: -15 munny; Braig had helped himself to scones free of charge).
"Hmm. May I inquire... as to why?"
"You behave differently from our late associate. Where he was meek, you are bold. He succinct, you long-winded. One might even call it OOC."
"OOC?" Dilan queried.
"Out-of-character," Even elaborated. "Acting in a manner that is inconsistent with how your personality has been established in the past."
Dilan's snort elegantly expressed his disdain for the contrived terminology.
"Is that even possible?" Elaeus wondered.
Xehanort bobbed his head. "My question... precisely. For what... comprises a personality?"
"I assure you it is possible," Even responded. "As a matter of fact, I suspect we've all been altered significantly from our fundamental selves. We've become AU versions of the previous Even, Xehanort, Ienzo, et cetera."
This statement was met with moderate confusion from Dilan ("AU?"), Ienzo ("Is there a point you're trying to make here?"), and Elaeus ("...").
"The man's pissing all over the fourth wall to say we're all original characters now."
"Yes, Braig, I am. Not how I would have phrased it, but thank you. A pause for effect, then, "That being the case, I think new names would be in order."
"An excellent suggestion, Vexen. I shall call myself... Xemnas."
Even's mouth twisted into a displeased moue upon hearing his new moniker. His left eye developed a sudden twitch. Braig, on the other hand, was preoccupied by something else. "Xemnas? Wait a minute, that's-"
"An anagram of Ansem with an 'X' added." A roll of the eyes from Ienzo. "How very clever."
Dilan seemed to agree. "You couldn't have come up with your own name instead of butchering another poor bastard's?"
"I have decided," The newly christened Xemnas continued on unfazed." ...Xemnas it is. A new name... for my new self. We shall... all choose such names. Each containing the letter 'X'... as a sign of brotherhood. For we are new... beings... entirely different from our relatives... the Heartless. We who have no hearts... no past. Memories... but no feelings... no true identities. We who are but Nobodies."
"New beings? Nobodies?" The look on Ienzo's face was thoughtful as he materialized a copy of Ansem the Wise's hefty tome, On the Tendency of Heartless Varieties to Depart Indefinitely From the Original Type (entitled On the Origin of Heartless during its first print run), from seemingly out of nowhere. He flipped through a few pages. "There's no such thing. Only Heartless result when one has lost their heart. A Nobody would be a flagrant violation of canon. And I'm a scholar; I know canon."
"nerd," coughed Dilan, earning him a disapproving growl from Elaeus.
"You're saying we don't exist, kiddo? We've become fanon now?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Braig. There's no such thing as fanon. Also - Please. Stop. Touching. Me."
Braig removed his hand from Ienzo's shoulder, but not before first ruffling his hair, much to Ienzo's chagrin.
"We waste breath on idle prattle, my fellow nonentities... We've still other matters... to address... You will find, having lost... the facilities of feeling... that enriched our Others' lives... we have nonetheless gained... considerable influence over elemental forces... Now is the time to declare... our affinities."
Dilan nodded and crossed his arms. A strong gust (approximately 7 on the Beauford Scale) blew through the room, rustling many a black cloak. "I shall master the wind."
"And I the earth," rumbled Elaeus, who felt no need to indulge in theatrics.
"I hold with those who favor ice," said Even. He grinned to himself, pleased with his wit. the poetic allusion.
"Why not just go for water and cover all your bases?" Braig asked.
"For destruction ice is also great and would suffice." When none of his associates showed recognition of the poetic allusion (save Ienzo, who understood the reference but chose not to respond), Even's eye twitch grew even more pronounced.
"Whatever, man." Braig waved a hand. "Gravity's where it's at. And before any of you say a word, remember your physics. Gravity's a force."
Elaeus turned to his shorter colleague. "What of you, Ienzo?"
"If you say books, I'll be tempted to inflict grievous bodily harm." Dilan ran a gloved finger over the tip of a lance, relishing its finely honed edge.
"...fine then. Illusions. Happy?"
"Ecstatic."
"Xemnas?" said Even. "I noticed you haven't claimed an element of your own."
"I was... contemplating."
"Oh."
There was a silence while the other five Nobodies waited for a response. The silence stretched until it reached the limits of Dilan's patience.
"And did you reach a conclusion?"
"Yes... My dominion shall be nothingness, my title 'Superior'. My power will be the greatest of all, my minions the most bothersome, my whim enough to demote a Nobody to lesser status. I shall have more final forms and boss battles than all others, and possess an enormous mechanized dragon for a steed. I also claim the following: the ability to wax poetic at length without being interrupted; mysterious ties to the primary villain of the last installment of the series and the Keyblade due to the exceptional Other from whence I was conceived; knowledge of plot points unbeknownst to most; and an enormous portrait in my former master's study displaying the flawless features and exceptional hair that I have been gifted with."
"Who knew Xehanort was such a Gary Stu?" muttered Braig.
There was a brilliant flash of light, a loud boom, and then...
"King Mickey's left ear! What did you do to my face?! Vexen, gimme that shield of yours, it's got a reflective surface..." Braig grabbed the weapon from a rather startled Even and peered into it.
The Nobodies watched with baited breath as Braig poked the gaping hole where his right eye had once been.
"Man, do I look friggin' awesome or what?"
---
I'm afraid I don't really have a point I'm trying to make here. It's just dumb metahumor.
khffr_buddies instead, please inform me. I'll be more than happy to (re)move it.
It's a little on the long-ish side.
"I propose that we cease calling you Xehanort," Even announced rather abruptly. It was a non-sequitur; the agenda had called for discussion of the latest bake sale (total profit: -15 munny; Braig had helped himself to scones free of charge).
"Hmm. May I inquire... as to why?"
"You behave differently from our late associate. Where he was meek, you are bold. He succinct, you long-winded. One might even call it OOC."
"OOC?" Dilan queried.
"Out-of-character," Even elaborated. "Acting in a manner that is inconsistent with how your personality has been established in the past."
Dilan's snort elegantly expressed his disdain for the contrived terminology.
"Is that even possible?" Elaeus wondered.
Xehanort bobbed his head. "My question... precisely. For what... comprises a personality?"
"I assure you it is possible," Even responded. "As a matter of fact, I suspect we've all been altered significantly from our fundamental selves. We've become AU versions of the previous Even, Xehanort, Ienzo, et cetera."
This statement was met with moderate confusion from Dilan ("AU?"), Ienzo ("Is there a point you're trying to make here?"), and Elaeus ("...").
"The man's pissing all over the fourth wall to say we're all original characters now."
"Yes, Braig, I am. Not how I would have phrased it, but thank you. A pause for effect, then, "That being the case, I think new names would be in order."
"An excellent suggestion, Vexen. I shall call myself... Xemnas."
Even's mouth twisted into a displeased moue upon hearing his new moniker. His left eye developed a sudden twitch. Braig, on the other hand, was preoccupied by something else. "Xemnas? Wait a minute, that's-"
"An anagram of Ansem with an 'X' added." A roll of the eyes from Ienzo. "How very clever."
Dilan seemed to agree. "You couldn't have come up with your own name instead of butchering another poor bastard's?"
"I have decided," The newly christened Xemnas continued on unfazed." ...Xemnas it is. A new name... for my new self. We shall... all choose such names. Each containing the letter 'X'... as a sign of brotherhood. For we are new... beings... entirely different from our relatives... the Heartless. We who have no hearts... no past. Memories... but no feelings... no true identities. We who are but Nobodies."
"New beings? Nobodies?" The look on Ienzo's face was thoughtful as he materialized a copy of Ansem the Wise's hefty tome, On the Tendency of Heartless Varieties to Depart Indefinitely From the Original Type (entitled On the Origin of Heartless during its first print run), from seemingly out of nowhere. He flipped through a few pages. "There's no such thing. Only Heartless result when one has lost their heart. A Nobody would be a flagrant violation of canon. And I'm a scholar; I know canon."
"nerd," coughed Dilan, earning him a disapproving growl from Elaeus.
"You're saying we don't exist, kiddo? We've become fanon now?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Braig. There's no such thing as fanon. Also - Please. Stop. Touching. Me."
Braig removed his hand from Ienzo's shoulder, but not before first ruffling his hair, much to Ienzo's chagrin.
"We waste breath on idle prattle, my fellow nonentities... We've still other matters... to address... You will find, having lost... the facilities of feeling... that enriched our Others' lives... we have nonetheless gained... considerable influence over elemental forces... Now is the time to declare... our affinities."
Dilan nodded and crossed his arms. A strong gust (approximately 7 on the Beauford Scale) blew through the room, rustling many a black cloak. "I shall master the wind."
"And I the earth," rumbled Elaeus, who felt no need to indulge in theatrics.
"I hold with those who favor ice," said Even. He grinned to himself, pleased with his wit. the poetic allusion.
"Why not just go for water and cover all your bases?" Braig asked.
"For destruction ice is also great and would suffice." When none of his associates showed recognition of the poetic allusion (save Ienzo, who understood the reference but chose not to respond), Even's eye twitch grew even more pronounced.
"Whatever, man." Braig waved a hand. "Gravity's where it's at. And before any of you say a word, remember your physics. Gravity's a force."
Elaeus turned to his shorter colleague. "What of you, Ienzo?"
"If you say books, I'll be tempted to inflict grievous bodily harm." Dilan ran a gloved finger over the tip of a lance, relishing its finely honed edge.
"...fine then. Illusions. Happy?"
"Ecstatic."
"Xemnas?" said Even. "I noticed you haven't claimed an element of your own."
"I was... contemplating."
"Oh."
There was a silence while the other five Nobodies waited for a response. The silence stretched until it reached the limits of Dilan's patience.
"And did you reach a conclusion?"
"Yes... My dominion shall be nothingness, my title 'Superior'. My power will be the greatest of all, my minions the most bothersome, my whim enough to demote a Nobody to lesser status. I shall have more final forms and boss battles than all others, and possess an enormous mechanized dragon for a steed. I also claim the following: the ability to wax poetic at length without being interrupted; mysterious ties to the primary villain of the last installment of the series and the Keyblade due to the exceptional Other from whence I was conceived; knowledge of plot points unbeknownst to most; and an enormous portrait in my former master's study displaying the flawless features and exceptional hair that I have been gifted with."
"Who knew Xehanort was such a Gary Stu?" muttered Braig.
There was a brilliant flash of light, a loud boom, and then...
"King Mickey's left ear! What did you do to my face?! Vexen, gimme that shield of yours, it's got a reflective surface..." Braig grabbed the weapon from a rather startled Even and peered into it.
The Nobodies watched with baited breath as Braig poked the gaping hole where his right eye had once been.
"Man, do I look friggin' awesome or what?"
---
I'm afraid I don't really have a point I'm trying to make here. It's just dumb metahumor.