Srijeda, 12. muharrem 1444
Having reviewed passages from Erin Sullivan's Saturn in Transit that were relevant to my recent and current situation, I turned next to her The Astrology of Midlife and Aging (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, 2005). Here is a relevant passage from that text:
Most people arriving to this age say that they feel a sense of freedom from having to strive for validation and approval. The primary structural change at this crossover is one of relaxing the mind, body, and soul from an attitude of striving. Rather than this being an indication of giving up, it is an indication of a more authentic way of being. One can still work, achieve, excel, and overtake oneself, but the motives for doing so undergo vast change from this juncture onward. The function of Saturn, always, is about finding one's own inner authority and, thus, external authenticity. The second Saturn return, ideally, brings this objective closer to the heart, and thus reduces the stress on accomplishment as proof of existence or self-worth. (Sullivan 2005, 171)
This passage reflects some things about which I had already written in yesterday's entry (such as trying to step back from a habitual sense of striving) but it also highlights that I have a way to go in releasing myself from the search for external validation and approval. Negative evaluations of my teaching still rankle me. This passage also brings to mind my ongoing inner struggle about whether or not to seek promotion to full professor. From a "here and now" perspective, that goal feels like a token of recognition that might belong to someone else, not like something that would have a lot of inner meaning for me. It feels foreign. Is that just because it is something that is unknown. Does my hesitation indicate that I am "risk-averse" or do such categories not apply when I am quietly trying to discern what my goals for myself really are, independently of the typical institutional expectations?
Instead of disengagement or aversion, I prefer to think in terms of selective engagement. Now that I am approaching sixty, I feel that I should play a more prominent role in selecting where to invest my energy and other resources rather than to try first to determine what others might expect of me and then try to conform to that. Honestly, I find myself torn and wanting to have the best of both worlds, but at a deeper level I feel it really is up to me to choose. And I acknowledge, even if mainly intellectually at this point, that choices have consequences that will play out over time. Even if some of my choices will most likely limit the production of conventionally recognizable professional accomplishments, and even though this may be uncomfortable during my remaining time in my current position, they may good choices for me in the long run.
Peace,
KH