Utorak, 11. muharrem 1444
It has been a while, and it feels good to be back.
Where to begin?
In the Gregorian calendar, it is August which, in academia, is the long Sunday night before the Monday morning of the beginning of the semester. I carry the thought that I should have mastered my preparation for the academic year by now, but it seems that, since the pandemic settled in, I've been feeling burned out and off my game. Maybe it just isn't fun anymore. Maybe it's not so interesting anymore. Maybe I've been knocked down so many times that I've run out of ideas of what to do to "improve" myself as a professor in the face of the shifting sands of the profession and of the student population. Meh.
One reason I'm writing today is that I read a section in Erin Sullivan's Saturn in Transit (York Beach, ME: Samuel Weiser, 2000) last night that resonated with some of what I have been feeling lately. The passage in question concerns the passage of Saturn through the sixth house. Here is an excerpt:
If the response to Saturn's entry and transit of the sixth house is one of debilitated exhaustion, it is a sign that burn-out has occurred. The psyche, the soul, is sick at heart and the body has no energy to carry out meaningless tasks. There are enough examples of individuals who have lost employment during this transit, either through redundancy, illness or sheer boredom, to indicate that there is some secret intent behind such losses. In a situation where loss of strength and direction has occurred, Saturn has become the devourer, not the planet of insight and learning. This unfortunate possibility indicates that one must immediately begin to backtrack, to discover where a step along the journey might have been overlooked.
In the case where fate has intervened and circumstances are shouting 'Change!', one needs to pull back and survey one's life in detail. A 'body programme' needs to be instituted, in the form either of a health routine or psychological counselling. (Sullivan 2000, 228-29)
Subtle insights like these are the kind that I may have a tendency to forget about over time, especially as busy-ness imposes itself during the academic year. Recording them here may serve as a reminder if I need to take a look back later.
I think I am making some slight progress in getting scholarly and creative projects back on track. Although I feel far from relaxed and refreshed, I feel a little less whipped into a frenzy just to try to get things done. Nonetheless, I feel brought down by my apparent inability to put energy into as many projects simultaneously compared to what I imagine I was able to do prior to the pandemic.
In terms of timing, the entry of Saturn into my sixth house varies according to the house system used. Surveying Porphyry, Alchabitius, Regiomontanus, Placidus, and Koch, Saturn entered the sixth house between January and March 2022. In Porphyry, Alchabitius, and Koch it enters only once, whereas in Regiomontanus and Placidus it enters in March 2022, returns to the fifth house in August or September 2022, and enters again in December 2022. Astronomically, independently of the house system, Saturn stationed retrograde on June 4, 2022 and will station direct on October 23, 2022. (The retrograde and direct motion of Saturn accounts for the multiple traversals of the sixth house cusp in the Regiomontanus and Placidus house systems.)
Interestingly, a significant event occurred on June 1, 2022 (three days before Saturn stationed retrograde on June 4), when I read the student evaluations for the courses I taught during the spring semester. Not only were the ratings lower than any I have received in recent memory, but some of the comments were harsh, including comments in which I was labeled anti-trans and mocking of students with mental-health challenges. I was shocked and disappointed and experienced insomnia for three or four nights in row. To my credit, I did not undergo this experience alone, but rather reached out to others in my department for support (with somewhat positive, but not deeply satisfying, results). I also undertook a search for a therapist, identifying workplace conflicts as a core issue at this time. I have had a couple of therapy appointments, and it is somewhat helpful. In a sense, it may be even more important that reaching out for therapy signals to my deeper self that I am willing to take action on my own behalf and that I am making concrete commitments to self-care.
Reflecting this through Erin Sullivan's text, a few points stand out. One is her recommendation to seek therapy, which I did (for the first time in several years). I had also identified burnout as a characteristic of my relationship to my job, prior to and independently of Sullivan's text. One of my responses to my recent identification of burnout has been the emergence of the idea that I no longer need to nor desire to rely on people-pleasing as a default response to statements or implications that I should be doing something more or doing something better. I have done plenty for the department over the years and I continue to do plenty. If there is a "shocking secret" in the ratings and comments I received from some students this semester, it is not their assessments are necessarily true, but rather that I've grown weary of the perennial struggles, of the BS, of the ideology, of the rhetoric, of the propaganda of contemporary academia. As Sullivan writes: "The psyche, the soul, is sick at heart and the body has no energy to carry out meaningless tasks. There are enough examples of individuals who have lost employment during this transit . . . through . . . sheer boredom, to indicate that there is some secret intent behind such losses." I'm still employed, but some part of me is no longer "in it" in the way that I was before. It feels a little uncomfortable to admit that, but it also feels good and comes as a relief.
Yesterday my partner and I met with our financial advisor. According to the projections we worked on with him, we are on track to be able to retire at 62 and to sustain ourselves until age 100. The age of 62 is still a few years in the future, but making a plan to release ourselves from our current situation is part of the process of moving in that direction. I will soon be free to go. Will I give myself permission to release myself from my situation?
Peace,
KH