Petak, 14. muharrem 1444
I have continued to reflect the things I have read in Erin Sullivan's book and have now begun to read Elizabeth Spring's Astrology for the Third Act of Life (n.p.: Archeon Press, 2018). Yesterday I printed out several astrological charts for my first and second Saturn returns and for other significant transits and progressions that occurred at that those times. My first Saturn return occurred as I was making the transition from full-time graduate student to doctoral candidate (exams and dissertation proposal stage) and instructor of record for undergraduate courses in the major. A few months after the third and final pass of my first Saturn return, I met Javad Nurbakhsh and had my first spiritual initiation. That even gave a more concrete shape to my status as a spiritual seeker and helped to set in motion spiritual practices that I continue to this day. I have recently experienced my second Saturn return and another transit and progression typically associated with ages 59-60, so comparison of these two stages of life seems especially appropriate now. As I study the astrological charts associated with these phases of my life, additional insights may arise.
What really brings me here today, however, are some thoughts and feelings I had when I viewed the video from a workshop on grief from Dr. Ramani's healing program the other day. As I reflected on the material that was presented in the video, it seemed to me that I may be in various stages of several grief processes simultaneously. Even something that comes as a relief, such as the retirement of a colleague who I found to be controlling, overbearing, and demeaning at times, does not necessarily entail a smooth passage into hoped-for freedom and energy renewal. It is almost as if I hadn't realized that I might first have to spend some time feeling really, really depleted, and also somewhat regretful that our working relationship hadn't been more beneficial to me than it actually was. It also occurred to me that the increased isolation that was due to the pandemic may actually have facilitated certain types of healing, but that these processes may have been disrupted or delayed by the return to campus, which brought with it not only the usual challenges of increased personal engagement with students and colleagues, but also some of the inconveniences and labor-intensive remote or hybrid teaching and meeting procedures that had developed during the height of the pandemic. Slowly, it is beginning to get easier to accept that it is okay to be really, really tired under these circumstances, not only because of the extra work and the stress of adaptation and re-adaptation that the pandemic and the partial return to normality has entailed, but also because of the persistent weight in the background of various strands of grief that are in different stages of healing.
While watching the video I was also able to trace back specific instances in which I had been working through grief normally (including reflecting and ruminating and reframing) but, rather than being listened to in ways that would have helped my process move forward more easily, I may have been shamed or shunned because something I was expressing may have threatened to trigger or destabilize the person I was talking to, or may have disrupted their vision of the role they assumed I should have been playing in their life at that moment. These setbacks don't necessarily mean that the process of healing shuts down completely or forever, but they may cause disruptions and delays that can take sometimes several years to become unstuck.
Peace,
KH