Original: Wanted: Anyone But You
Title: Wanted: Anyone But You
Character(s): Remy Perriloux, Taiki Satou
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remy's in need of a new roommate to share his space with and puts an ad in the paper. But is there anyone that can handle his ridiculous standards and his copious amounts of attitude? Well there's one person but...
Warnings: Mostly safe up until the end where Remy gets frisky but that's about it.
Author's note: So I wrote it.
Wanted: Anyone But You
by Spooky (machinator).
It was getting to be a really long day. Remy slapped his palm to his forehead and fell back into a chair at the dining table, his long legs extended in front of him. He'd spent a good chunk of the afternoon interrogating possible candidates for a new roommate.
Of course it wouldn't be a stretch to say that his search was not going well.
Perhaps it would help if Remy himself wasn't such a picky person, of course, but there was really no helping one's habits or quirks. Remy smirked and raked his fingers through his hair. Yeah, that's right. He was just quirky. There was nothing wrong with that. Pretty much everyone would want to make sure the person they were going to invite to live with them wasn't a serial killer or sex offender, right?
Now, anyone would have been able to understand logic like that except Remy's list didn't stop there. Oh no.
Remy had rules ranging from what kinds of food or drink you could keep in his fridge to the time you were allowed to stumble back into the apartment at night. (For the curious minds: Pepsi is never okay and if you aren't back by 11:00pm then he's bolting the door and you can sleep on the goddamn porch. No exceptions to either of these rules.) It was rules like these that had most of his possible candidates running for the hills. Seriously, what 17-year-old boy would enforce a curfew? And did he really give a damn what brand of soda you stashed in the pantry? Holy crap!
Not only that but Remy was impossibly tidy. And he expected the apartment to stay like that. Always. Always always. Always always always always.
Considering most of the people who had responded to the ad were within his age-group, most of them were horrified at the thought of doing the chores they had moved out to avoid in the first place. If they wanted someone shrieking at them to do the dishes or vacuum the living room, they could have just kept living with their mother.
So the afternoon came and went, every applicant being turned away for one reason or another. Some of them had too many tattoos, some of them had greasy hair (Intentionally greasy! Remy even asked! Did those emo kids just not know how to wash?), some just looked shady, and some left of their own volition because they just knew they wouldn't be able to survive.
By the time evening crept up, Remy had received four death-threats, two cases of someone bursting into tears and bolting, and absolutely no matches for a possible roommate.
Remy was not amused.
The dark-haired boy's eyes shot up to the quietly ticking clock hanging up in the kitchen and sighed to himself. No more applicants would be coming in today. Remy got to his feet and began arranging the scattered papers on the table into neat piles. Maybe he'd have more luck tomorrow? Another sigh.
Having standards certainly wasn't a bad thing but rent really was starting to get a little tight and if he didn't get a roommate soon, not even his modeling contract with the agency would be able to cover it. Working part-time wasn't going to cut it these days but he really had no choice if he wanted to stay in school. And he did want to stay in school, surprisingly. Hell, Remy knew that modeling could only work so long before you eventually get older, get a few crows feet, and then BAM! You're replaced by the newer, prettier model of yourself. And by that time, Remy knew he didn't want to be a washed up once-pretty-boy that was reduced to flipping burgers and talking to children about "the good ol' days" or whatever it is that crazy old people talked about.
Remy chuckled at the mental image. Okay, so was that really all that likely? No. Remy was almost 100% positive that he would age gracefully and that even as his hair grayed, he'd be pretty damn handsome. There was just no denying so much awesome.
Before he could really think much more on this, the doorbell sounded, alerting him to the presence of someone at his door. As that is what doorbells often did. He blinked, looking back up at the clock in the kitchen. The advertisement clearly stated that he would be seeing applicants between 12:00 in the afternoon to 6:00 in the evening and that he would make no exceptions. It was now 6:27. He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. They'd just have to come back tomorrow, wouldn't they?
Remy turned on his heel with the intention of going down the hall to his bedroom when the doorbell rang again.
"Oh what the fu-" The doorbell rang again, cutting Remy off. He scowled deeply when the doorbell rang a fourth time. Finally, it seemed that the person on the other side tired of pressing the button and began rapping their knuckles over the door instead. One knock, two, then a barrage of knocks that was completely unnecessary and gave Remy the beginnings of a massive headache.
With a resigned shout of irritation, Remy stormed towards the front door, ready to tell the retard off that obviously either didn't own a watch or was brain damaged to the point of being a vegetable from the neck up. Because their fists seemed to work just fine but their head really must have been checked out.
He yanked the door open, causing the person behind it to stumble forward a little. "What?" He all but shouted. Of course, his anger turned to surprise when his eyes connected with his brain and he began to comprehend what he was looking at.
Instead of a retarded boy in his late teens with bad hair and a Halo t-shirt, there was a short Asian girl with blonde hair, awkwardly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Remy blinked, his mind drawing blanks when the girl turned her face up towards him, a shy smile on her lips.
"A-ah... I came here for the..." She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and reached over to her black messenger bag (Remy noted that it was decorated with pins sporting band logos and cute designs) at her side to fish around inside of it. With a satisfied expression, the girl removed a wrinkled newspaper clipping from within her bag and held it up for Remy to see. His advertisement had been circled in bright green highlighter and little doodles of happy kittens littered the edges. "I c-came here to talk about this!"
Remy frowned, motioning to his wrist (which was currently watch-less as he didn't want anyone getting any funny ideas about trying to mug him as he interviewed them) to indicate the time.
"Look, miss," Remy didn't notice the way her eyes widened slightly and continued, "I appreciate you coming to answer my ad and all, I really do, so thank you, but there are a few things wrong here. First," He flicked the piece of paper with his finger, causing the girl holding it to flinch a little, "the advertisement said to be here between 12 and 6. In case you didn't notice, and I don't think that you did, it's past 6:30 now. Maybe you should invest in a watch because being late for engagements won't fly in the real world." The girl nodded a little, frowning. Good, she understood. At least she wasn't as brain dead as he first assumed. "Second of all," He flicked the clipping again, this time setting his hand on his hip. "I asked that only males apply. You really should pay more attention before just running into things like this." Remy stepped back into the apartment and put his hand on the door, moving to close it. "So really, you don't have much business here. Be safe on your way back to wherever or whatever. Good luck in life."
Just as Remy was about to close the door in the girl's face, her had unexpectedly shot out and shoved the door back open, her face slightly hardened and irritated.
"First." She said in a scathing voice, one that was a little frightening for a girl. "I was late because my bag went missing and I couldn't afford to let it stay missing." Remy took a step back just as the girl took a step forward. Shit. She was a psycho. This was exactly why he wanted to have such high standards so that he wouldn't attract crazies like this chick.
"That's none of my business-" Remy began, but the girl cut in, jabbing her finger into his chest so hard that he thought it would leave a bruise. What the hell? She had pretty strong hands.
"Second, you shouldn't be so rude to strangers. It makes you look like a big dumb jerk who can't get friends because he's big and dumb and a jerk. You don't have to lecture me about time or paying attention because in case you didn't notice, I'm a boy." The last word hung in the air for a long time, echoing down the street.
Remy stared.
And then started laughing.
"Whaaat?" The disbelief on his face was as clear as day, as well as the condescending tone in his laughter. Granted, she was wearing baggy clothes that seemed more suited to a boy but the rest of her was anything but. Was this girl really so desperate for a place to stay that she was pretending (and poorly) to be a boy? Remy wasn't even aware that there were tears in the corners of his eyes until the air from the outside began to cool them. He dabbed at his eyes with his sleeves and managed to calm his laughter enough to see the horrified and infuriated expression on the girl's face. "Look, I really am sorry and I don't know what would drive you to such," His voice caught on another laugh and he stopped to put his hand over his mouth to keep anymore from spilling out, "I don't know what would drive you to such desperate measures but I really can't do anything about this. My roomie's gotta be a boy. Maybe you can call one of your girl friends and ask to stay the night 'cause you can't stay here."
The girl's cheeks puffed up and her fists clenched so tightly at her sides that Remy was able to see her body shaking. Maybe he'd gone too far with the laughing? But he couldn't really help it...
"I'm a boy." She insisted and Remy sighed. Okay, it was funny at first but the joke was over and he really wanted to take a shower to wash the smell of stupid out of his skin. He'd been dealing with idiots all day.
"Sure, sure. Okay. See you later, dude."
"I'm not leaving until you interview me." She tilted her chin up defiantly in a way that Remy actually thought was a little cute. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and sighed.
"I told you that I can't because--"
"I'm a boy. I'm not lying."
"--You're clearly a girl and I just can't do that. Not only would it be a huge scandal that my agency really doesn't need but--"
"I'm a boy and I can prove it."
"--Abwuh?" That got Remy's attention. Except not in the way that the blond probably would have hoped. Remy started laughing. Again.
And then he was being shoved. And shoved again. And then punched. Okay, that was starting to hurt. Another punch and Remy could do nothing but stare in amazement at this tiny little chick that was currently slamming her fists into his chest and stomach and actually causing him a good amount of pain.
Remy would never hit a girl but this was just getting ridiculous. He quickly caught one of the girl's thin wrists in his hand and yanked it to the side, tugging her a good distance away from him thanks to the fact that he had longer limbs than she did. But just before that, her free fist did manage to get a solid hit to his jaw, just enough to cause him to stumble a bit. Holy crap. What the heck was her problem?! Remy rubbed at his chin, glaring down at her.
"I think it's time you leave. Now."
"Not until--" She swung her fist again, just barely missing him as he managed to lean away. "You take me seriously!" And then she did the unexpected again and clamped her teeth down over his arm.
The sound Remy made in response was less of a yelp and more of a howl. God damn! She bit him! She was biting him! She was still biting him! She could have rabies! He shoved her back a little bit rougher than necessary before rushing forward to grab her from behind. He awkwardly pinned her arms to her side and grunted when she thrashed, kicking her legs with so much force that they both toppled to the hard floor.
While Remy said he would never hit a girl, apparently wrestling on the floor with one was fair game after she bit him like a rabid chihuahua. For a good seven minutes they were just a mess of thrashing limbs as Remy tried to subdue the psycho chick that seemed hellbent on beating the crap out of him.
She didn't look like she should have been this strong, to be honest. It made it harder to want to take it easy on her when she put up a fight like a-- what the fuck was... touching his stomach?
Remy ceased moving suddenly, staring down at the flushed face that was glaring daggers up at him. She was panting heavily, her flat chest heaving, lips parted and her little hands squeezing slightly at his neck. Sometime during their impromptu wrestling match they ended up tangled in a very questionable position. But Remy didn't move when he realized this, he continued to stare, trying the wrap his mind around this piece of information that was just out of his reach.
Perhaps it was the fact that he had spent an entire day talking to retards and idiots and perverts that their retarded idiotic perversion rubbed off on him. Honestly, Remy would look back and never really know why he reacted the way he did. All he would remember is the buzzing and white noise that filled the space between his ears as he numbly reached down between their bodies and squeezed the sensitive area between that girl's legs.
And finding that she had a penis.
And that she was a he after all.
And that he was a little bit turned on.
Which made Remy a little bit turned on.
Well. Crap.
After getting dealt a rather nasty slap across the face, Remy would come to find that this boy's name was Taiki Satou and that he only drank Coke, was surprisingly tidy, was pretty good at making macaroni and cheese, and never stayed out later than 10:00pm.
"I suppose I can make an exception for a cute girl like you."
Remy had just found his new roommate.
Character(s): Remy Perriloux, Taiki Satou
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remy's in need of a new roommate to share his space with and puts an ad in the paper. But is there anyone that can handle his ridiculous standards and his copious amounts of attitude? Well there's one person but...
Warnings: Mostly safe up until the end where Remy gets frisky but that's about it.
Author's note: So I wrote it.
Wanted: Anyone But You
by Spooky (machinator).
It was getting to be a really long day. Remy slapped his palm to his forehead and fell back into a chair at the dining table, his long legs extended in front of him. He'd spent a good chunk of the afternoon interrogating possible candidates for a new roommate.
Of course it wouldn't be a stretch to say that his search was not going well.
Perhaps it would help if Remy himself wasn't such a picky person, of course, but there was really no helping one's habits or quirks. Remy smirked and raked his fingers through his hair. Yeah, that's right. He was just quirky. There was nothing wrong with that. Pretty much everyone would want to make sure the person they were going to invite to live with them wasn't a serial killer or sex offender, right?
Now, anyone would have been able to understand logic like that except Remy's list didn't stop there. Oh no.
Remy had rules ranging from what kinds of food or drink you could keep in his fridge to the time you were allowed to stumble back into the apartment at night. (For the curious minds: Pepsi is never okay and if you aren't back by 11:00pm then he's bolting the door and you can sleep on the goddamn porch. No exceptions to either of these rules.) It was rules like these that had most of his possible candidates running for the hills. Seriously, what 17-year-old boy would enforce a curfew? And did he really give a damn what brand of soda you stashed in the pantry? Holy crap!
Not only that but Remy was impossibly tidy. And he expected the apartment to stay like that. Always. Always always. Always always always always.
Considering most of the people who had responded to the ad were within his age-group, most of them were horrified at the thought of doing the chores they had moved out to avoid in the first place. If they wanted someone shrieking at them to do the dishes or vacuum the living room, they could have just kept living with their mother.
So the afternoon came and went, every applicant being turned away for one reason or another. Some of them had too many tattoos, some of them had greasy hair (Intentionally greasy! Remy even asked! Did those emo kids just not know how to wash?), some just looked shady, and some left of their own volition because they just knew they wouldn't be able to survive.
By the time evening crept up, Remy had received four death-threats, two cases of someone bursting into tears and bolting, and absolutely no matches for a possible roommate.
Remy was not amused.
The dark-haired boy's eyes shot up to the quietly ticking clock hanging up in the kitchen and sighed to himself. No more applicants would be coming in today. Remy got to his feet and began arranging the scattered papers on the table into neat piles. Maybe he'd have more luck tomorrow? Another sigh.
Having standards certainly wasn't a bad thing but rent really was starting to get a little tight and if he didn't get a roommate soon, not even his modeling contract with the agency would be able to cover it. Working part-time wasn't going to cut it these days but he really had no choice if he wanted to stay in school. And he did want to stay in school, surprisingly. Hell, Remy knew that modeling could only work so long before you eventually get older, get a few crows feet, and then BAM! You're replaced by the newer, prettier model of yourself. And by that time, Remy knew he didn't want to be a washed up once-pretty-boy that was reduced to flipping burgers and talking to children about "the good ol' days" or whatever it is that crazy old people talked about.
Remy chuckled at the mental image. Okay, so was that really all that likely? No. Remy was almost 100% positive that he would age gracefully and that even as his hair grayed, he'd be pretty damn handsome. There was just no denying so much awesome.
Before he could really think much more on this, the doorbell sounded, alerting him to the presence of someone at his door. As that is what doorbells often did. He blinked, looking back up at the clock in the kitchen. The advertisement clearly stated that he would be seeing applicants between 12:00 in the afternoon to 6:00 in the evening and that he would make no exceptions. It was now 6:27. He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. They'd just have to come back tomorrow, wouldn't they?
Remy turned on his heel with the intention of going down the hall to his bedroom when the doorbell rang again.
"Oh what the fu-" The doorbell rang again, cutting Remy off. He scowled deeply when the doorbell rang a fourth time. Finally, it seemed that the person on the other side tired of pressing the button and began rapping their knuckles over the door instead. One knock, two, then a barrage of knocks that was completely unnecessary and gave Remy the beginnings of a massive headache.
With a resigned shout of irritation, Remy stormed towards the front door, ready to tell the retard off that obviously either didn't own a watch or was brain damaged to the point of being a vegetable from the neck up. Because their fists seemed to work just fine but their head really must have been checked out.
He yanked the door open, causing the person behind it to stumble forward a little. "What?" He all but shouted. Of course, his anger turned to surprise when his eyes connected with his brain and he began to comprehend what he was looking at.
Instead of a retarded boy in his late teens with bad hair and a Halo t-shirt, there was a short Asian girl with blonde hair, awkwardly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Remy blinked, his mind drawing blanks when the girl turned her face up towards him, a shy smile on her lips.
"A-ah... I came here for the..." She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and reached over to her black messenger bag (Remy noted that it was decorated with pins sporting band logos and cute designs) at her side to fish around inside of it. With a satisfied expression, the girl removed a wrinkled newspaper clipping from within her bag and held it up for Remy to see. His advertisement had been circled in bright green highlighter and little doodles of happy kittens littered the edges. "I c-came here to talk about this!"
Remy frowned, motioning to his wrist (which was currently watch-less as he didn't want anyone getting any funny ideas about trying to mug him as he interviewed them) to indicate the time.
"Look, miss," Remy didn't notice the way her eyes widened slightly and continued, "I appreciate you coming to answer my ad and all, I really do, so thank you, but there are a few things wrong here. First," He flicked the piece of paper with his finger, causing the girl holding it to flinch a little, "the advertisement said to be here between 12 and 6. In case you didn't notice, and I don't think that you did, it's past 6:30 now. Maybe you should invest in a watch because being late for engagements won't fly in the real world." The girl nodded a little, frowning. Good, she understood. At least she wasn't as brain dead as he first assumed. "Second of all," He flicked the clipping again, this time setting his hand on his hip. "I asked that only males apply. You really should pay more attention before just running into things like this." Remy stepped back into the apartment and put his hand on the door, moving to close it. "So really, you don't have much business here. Be safe on your way back to wherever or whatever. Good luck in life."
Just as Remy was about to close the door in the girl's face, her had unexpectedly shot out and shoved the door back open, her face slightly hardened and irritated.
"First." She said in a scathing voice, one that was a little frightening for a girl. "I was late because my bag went missing and I couldn't afford to let it stay missing." Remy took a step back just as the girl took a step forward. Shit. She was a psycho. This was exactly why he wanted to have such high standards so that he wouldn't attract crazies like this chick.
"That's none of my business-" Remy began, but the girl cut in, jabbing her finger into his chest so hard that he thought it would leave a bruise. What the hell? She had pretty strong hands.
"Second, you shouldn't be so rude to strangers. It makes you look like a big dumb jerk who can't get friends because he's big and dumb and a jerk. You don't have to lecture me about time or paying attention because in case you didn't notice, I'm a boy." The last word hung in the air for a long time, echoing down the street.
Remy stared.
And then started laughing.
"Whaaat?" The disbelief on his face was as clear as day, as well as the condescending tone in his laughter. Granted, she was wearing baggy clothes that seemed more suited to a boy but the rest of her was anything but. Was this girl really so desperate for a place to stay that she was pretending (and poorly) to be a boy? Remy wasn't even aware that there were tears in the corners of his eyes until the air from the outside began to cool them. He dabbed at his eyes with his sleeves and managed to calm his laughter enough to see the horrified and infuriated expression on the girl's face. "Look, I really am sorry and I don't know what would drive you to such," His voice caught on another laugh and he stopped to put his hand over his mouth to keep anymore from spilling out, "I don't know what would drive you to such desperate measures but I really can't do anything about this. My roomie's gotta be a boy. Maybe you can call one of your girl friends and ask to stay the night 'cause you can't stay here."
The girl's cheeks puffed up and her fists clenched so tightly at her sides that Remy was able to see her body shaking. Maybe he'd gone too far with the laughing? But he couldn't really help it...
"I'm a boy." She insisted and Remy sighed. Okay, it was funny at first but the joke was over and he really wanted to take a shower to wash the smell of stupid out of his skin. He'd been dealing with idiots all day.
"Sure, sure. Okay. See you later, dude."
"I'm not leaving until you interview me." She tilted her chin up defiantly in a way that Remy actually thought was a little cute. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and sighed.
"I told you that I can't because--"
"I'm a boy. I'm not lying."
"--You're clearly a girl and I just can't do that. Not only would it be a huge scandal that my agency really doesn't need but--"
"I'm a boy and I can prove it."
"--Abwuh?" That got Remy's attention. Except not in the way that the blond probably would have hoped. Remy started laughing. Again.
And then he was being shoved. And shoved again. And then punched. Okay, that was starting to hurt. Another punch and Remy could do nothing but stare in amazement at this tiny little chick that was currently slamming her fists into his chest and stomach and actually causing him a good amount of pain.
Remy would never hit a girl but this was just getting ridiculous. He quickly caught one of the girl's thin wrists in his hand and yanked it to the side, tugging her a good distance away from him thanks to the fact that he had longer limbs than she did. But just before that, her free fist did manage to get a solid hit to his jaw, just enough to cause him to stumble a bit. Holy crap. What the heck was her problem?! Remy rubbed at his chin, glaring down at her.
"I think it's time you leave. Now."
"Not until--" She swung her fist again, just barely missing him as he managed to lean away. "You take me seriously!" And then she did the unexpected again and clamped her teeth down over his arm.
The sound Remy made in response was less of a yelp and more of a howl. God damn! She bit him! She was biting him! She was still biting him! She could have rabies! He shoved her back a little bit rougher than necessary before rushing forward to grab her from behind. He awkwardly pinned her arms to her side and grunted when she thrashed, kicking her legs with so much force that they both toppled to the hard floor.
While Remy said he would never hit a girl, apparently wrestling on the floor with one was fair game after she bit him like a rabid chihuahua. For a good seven minutes they were just a mess of thrashing limbs as Remy tried to subdue the psycho chick that seemed hellbent on beating the crap out of him.
She didn't look like she should have been this strong, to be honest. It made it harder to want to take it easy on her when she put up a fight like a-- what the fuck was... touching his stomach?
Remy ceased moving suddenly, staring down at the flushed face that was glaring daggers up at him. She was panting heavily, her flat chest heaving, lips parted and her little hands squeezing slightly at his neck. Sometime during their impromptu wrestling match they ended up tangled in a very questionable position. But Remy didn't move when he realized this, he continued to stare, trying the wrap his mind around this piece of information that was just out of his reach.
Perhaps it was the fact that he had spent an entire day talking to retards and idiots and perverts that their retarded idiotic perversion rubbed off on him. Honestly, Remy would look back and never really know why he reacted the way he did. All he would remember is the buzzing and white noise that filled the space between his ears as he numbly reached down between their bodies and squeezed the sensitive area between that girl's legs.
And finding that she had a penis.
And that she was a he after all.
And that he was a little bit turned on.
Which made Remy a little bit turned on.
Well. Crap.
After getting dealt a rather nasty slap across the face, Remy would come to find that this boy's name was Taiki Satou and that he only drank Coke, was surprisingly tidy, was pretty good at making macaroni and cheese, and never stayed out later than 10:00pm.
"I suppose I can make an exception for a cute girl like you."
Remy had just found his new roommate.