It's a Long Way Down...

[kerigirl]

I threw up yesterday. It's scary, because I felt as if I were in a trance. In the kitchen. Four graham crackers and five spoonfuls of icecream and I found myself in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat. Afterwards..."What just happened?" Just when I feel like I've kicked this bulimia thing I feel the pull. Beckoning me. Whispers of "You know you will lose weight if you just throw up. You can be a size six again. You will be happier. No one has to know and it will be our little secret..." But it's not a secret anymore. Part of my submission is to inform Daddy of when I slip up. It was so hard when I came home from work, knowing that I had to tell him. I struggled so hard between keeping my secret and knowing that if I kept it to myself our D/s, our relationship, would be a lie. So I told him, knowing that he would be hurt, disappointed, and sad that I had damaged his property, thought so little of it, took on the responsibility of punishing myself when that is his job, not mine...

But if I were to look on the bright side, I know that I have come a long way. My eating disorder used to be so private for me. My main coping skill. It's not anymore. And I know that by telling Daddy what I had done, I have chosen my relationship, my submission, over bulimia. Intimacy won out in the long run...

So Daddy and I have a lot of work to do this weekend. Working on my feelings of self worth that are not attached to my weight. Working on my showing respect for his property. Working on my going deeper into my submission. Working on me being free...