the calm after the storm....?maybe?....
So now for my thoughts and feelings.
Well, you, livejournal, are my new best friend. My friends have become FAR too judgemental. and Frankly they have every right to be. I don't blame them at all and if i was in their shoes i would probably be thinking the same things. However, constant judgement on my actions and my decisions is not really helpful for me at this point. I know i'm a smart girl... i just fell in love with the wrong person. WHICH i have no control over. It's amazing i even fell in love in the first place. I'm usually so judgemental about guys. One, two flaws i find, and its "see ya... you're not mr. perfect so i'm done." But with seth it was different... course at first he showed no flaws to me, so i took him as perfect. Then when the flaws started showing, i was already in love with him so i thought, "well, i don't like that, but i love him so its okay." That was the nice thing about it... i loved him irreguardless of his flaws...
Until they got worse.... and worse.... and more and more.... and worse and worse.
Now OF COURSE, he blames all of his flaws on his love for me. When we were first dating he told me that his heart was damaged and he could never love again. And this made me think, "oh i'll get you to fall in love with me... i'm adorable, you'd be crazy to resist." crazy. crazy is exactly what he has become. He says its because he was in a constant battle with his emotions trying to ignore and cast aside the love that was growing for me in his heart, and at the same time he was trying to endulge and enjoy the feelings he was getting for me because, well, lets face it, i'm amazing. ; )
But at this point... i know i should just get over him. I know that i should move on. I KNOW that i can do better. So knowing all of these things... why does part of me still consider getting back together with him? The only way i could do so is if he truly works on the list of problems i told him to work on, and solves them or at least desperately tries to do better. But do i really want to be with someone that i know i'm simply settling for? i just feel like it would take SOOO long for me to find another person i could fall in love with. which i know shouldn't matter, i should still just try it... but when i think back on the memories of the good times we had together, naturally i get sad and start thinking... hell, i want that back... i couldn't live without him he's wonderful! .... then i think of the bad times, and the flaws, and all the crying and think, "fuck him, he does NOT deserve me"
but maybe all the bad things we went through were just kinks we needed to work out in our lives in order to fully let go and be truly in love. He's said to me several times... "why can't we just love eachother and be happy?"... and he's right.... why can't we? Obviously there is too much pain in the past that is stopping both of us from being able to let go and just fully love each other. (him more than me)
And could i really love him fully again, after all this shit that went down? or is is just a lost cause?
I feel the only way i could truly move on and not try and go back to him, would be to move out of Utah. Which i want to do, but its just so much work. I mean, i just got promoted at my job... i have an awesome apartment that i live in BY MYSELF, and i really do like this city, PLUS i'm only 30 miles away from my mom... not 300.
ALSO, i KNOW my friends will disown me if i ever take him back... they've been checkin up on me making sure i'm still not talking to him... and hell, its only been like... what? ... 48'ish hours?
*sigh*
oh this whole love/relationship thing is so hard. i just wish everything could be easy and carefree, and everyone could just be chill and happy and hang out.
again another *sigh*....
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed, stressed, and confused.
Where's my hero on his white horse to come and take me away?
Well, you, livejournal, are my new best friend. My friends have become FAR too judgemental. and Frankly they have every right to be. I don't blame them at all and if i was in their shoes i would probably be thinking the same things. However, constant judgement on my actions and my decisions is not really helpful for me at this point. I know i'm a smart girl... i just fell in love with the wrong person. WHICH i have no control over. It's amazing i even fell in love in the first place. I'm usually so judgemental about guys. One, two flaws i find, and its "see ya... you're not mr. perfect so i'm done." But with seth it was different... course at first he showed no flaws to me, so i took him as perfect. Then when the flaws started showing, i was already in love with him so i thought, "well, i don't like that, but i love him so its okay." That was the nice thing about it... i loved him irreguardless of his flaws...
Until they got worse.... and worse.... and more and more.... and worse and worse.
Now OF COURSE, he blames all of his flaws on his love for me. When we were first dating he told me that his heart was damaged and he could never love again. And this made me think, "oh i'll get you to fall in love with me... i'm adorable, you'd be crazy to resist." crazy. crazy is exactly what he has become. He says its because he was in a constant battle with his emotions trying to ignore and cast aside the love that was growing for me in his heart, and at the same time he was trying to endulge and enjoy the feelings he was getting for me because, well, lets face it, i'm amazing. ; )
But at this point... i know i should just get over him. I know that i should move on. I KNOW that i can do better. So knowing all of these things... why does part of me still consider getting back together with him? The only way i could do so is if he truly works on the list of problems i told him to work on, and solves them or at least desperately tries to do better. But do i really want to be with someone that i know i'm simply settling for? i just feel like it would take SOOO long for me to find another person i could fall in love with. which i know shouldn't matter, i should still just try it... but when i think back on the memories of the good times we had together, naturally i get sad and start thinking... hell, i want that back... i couldn't live without him he's wonderful! .... then i think of the bad times, and the flaws, and all the crying and think, "fuck him, he does NOT deserve me"
but maybe all the bad things we went through were just kinks we needed to work out in our lives in order to fully let go and be truly in love. He's said to me several times... "why can't we just love eachother and be happy?"... and he's right.... why can't we? Obviously there is too much pain in the past that is stopping both of us from being able to let go and just fully love each other. (him more than me)
And could i really love him fully again, after all this shit that went down? or is is just a lost cause?
I feel the only way i could truly move on and not try and go back to him, would be to move out of Utah. Which i want to do, but its just so much work. I mean, i just got promoted at my job... i have an awesome apartment that i live in BY MYSELF, and i really do like this city, PLUS i'm only 30 miles away from my mom... not 300.
ALSO, i KNOW my friends will disown me if i ever take him back... they've been checkin up on me making sure i'm still not talking to him... and hell, its only been like... what? ... 48'ish hours?
*sigh*
oh this whole love/relationship thing is so hard. i just wish everything could be easy and carefree, and everyone could just be chill and happy and hang out.
again another *sigh*....
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed, stressed, and confused.
Where's my hero on his white horse to come and take me away?