The Breakdown
I'm having a nervous breakdown. Recently, every emotion that i've been feeling has been heightened to the extent of almost driving me crazy. I've never been one to get very emotional about anything...at least not over the top, not with any emotion. But lately i guess my guards have dropped.
Sometimes, for no reason at all, i will get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that i want to cry. Over nothing! It almost feels like some temper-tantrum from the past trying to irk its way back up into my system from years ago. Its a horrible feeling.
I started liking someone. I've kind of liked them for a while now, but up until now it has just been a small crush. . . the kind where you are excited when you get to see that person, and every now and then you think of them, but nothing really beyond that. However, the last couple times i've seen them, what with my enhanced emotions, suddenly the minimal feelings i possessed for the this kid, have now doubled. All of a sudden I'm totally crushed! I find myself not being able to go through the day without thinking about him 20+ times! I don't know his phone number, and i only hang out with him when he happens to come hang out with a certain group of friends, so as you can see this qualifies as a problem.
Emotions are strange things. We don't know why we have them, and we don't know how to control them. We don't know if we should be feeling the way we feel most of the time. We feel awkward feeling the way we do, when its the same way everyone feels. For example: Girl and Boy are dating. Girl thinks she likes Boy way more then Boy likes Girl. Girl won't call Boy until he calls her. Boy doesn't call. Girl feels sad, and feels bad about feeling sad, and wonders why she even cares, and wants to make the sadness go away, but doesn't know how. On the other end, Boy is thinking the exact same thing Girl is thinking, so Boy also refuses to call girl. They do this at the same time. Boy also feels hurt and rejected. Neither finds out about the others true feelings until it's too late. [fortunatly for boy he has little brain that lives in pants, so he just goes out and nails someone else and feels better about himself. haha, just kidding, this is obviously a bitter personal story of my past.]
Why are we so afraid to admit how we really feel? Why are we scared of our natural emotions that we can't control? Why are we embarrassed when we fall, fart, burp, shit; get jealous, mad, sad, whatever. . . these are all natural things that everyone does and feels. We are humans, we have to. Whether you want to think so or not, we are all the same. We are all products made by the same factory with the same ingredients. So why do we feel the way we do when they happen?
Why can't we just tell people that we love them, or hate them and not have to worry about their reaction...about scarying them off, or making them sad?
So many questions in the world. So many that have been asked over and over for countless numbers of years and still no answers. Someday, hopefully.
Until then, i will just keep going with my emotions, trying to tame them...trying to get comfortable with them, and just go with the flow of things. I will probably keep driving myself crazy thinking about this boy. Or maybe i will take some initiative to do something about it. Cause nothings worse than not knowing. I would rather have someone tell me to my face that they didn't like me, rather then have me guessing whether or not they did and not know how to act around them.
I leave you with this quote,
"Nothings ever as perfect as you can imagine it" -- Chuck Palahnuik
Sincerely,
Crystal
Sometimes, for no reason at all, i will get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that i want to cry. Over nothing! It almost feels like some temper-tantrum from the past trying to irk its way back up into my system from years ago. Its a horrible feeling.
I started liking someone. I've kind of liked them for a while now, but up until now it has just been a small crush. . . the kind where you are excited when you get to see that person, and every now and then you think of them, but nothing really beyond that. However, the last couple times i've seen them, what with my enhanced emotions, suddenly the minimal feelings i possessed for the this kid, have now doubled. All of a sudden I'm totally crushed! I find myself not being able to go through the day without thinking about him 20+ times! I don't know his phone number, and i only hang out with him when he happens to come hang out with a certain group of friends, so as you can see this qualifies as a problem.
Emotions are strange things. We don't know why we have them, and we don't know how to control them. We don't know if we should be feeling the way we feel most of the time. We feel awkward feeling the way we do, when its the same way everyone feels. For example: Girl and Boy are dating. Girl thinks she likes Boy way more then Boy likes Girl. Girl won't call Boy until he calls her. Boy doesn't call. Girl feels sad, and feels bad about feeling sad, and wonders why she even cares, and wants to make the sadness go away, but doesn't know how. On the other end, Boy is thinking the exact same thing Girl is thinking, so Boy also refuses to call girl. They do this at the same time. Boy also feels hurt and rejected. Neither finds out about the others true feelings until it's too late. [fortunatly for boy he has little brain that lives in pants, so he just goes out and nails someone else and feels better about himself. haha, just kidding, this is obviously a bitter personal story of my past.]
Why are we so afraid to admit how we really feel? Why are we scared of our natural emotions that we can't control? Why are we embarrassed when we fall, fart, burp, shit; get jealous, mad, sad, whatever. . . these are all natural things that everyone does and feels. We are humans, we have to. Whether you want to think so or not, we are all the same. We are all products made by the same factory with the same ingredients. So why do we feel the way we do when they happen?
Why can't we just tell people that we love them, or hate them and not have to worry about their reaction...about scarying them off, or making them sad?
So many questions in the world. So many that have been asked over and over for countless numbers of years and still no answers. Someday, hopefully.
Until then, i will just keep going with my emotions, trying to tame them...trying to get comfortable with them, and just go with the flow of things. I will probably keep driving myself crazy thinking about this boy. Or maybe i will take some initiative to do something about it. Cause nothings worse than not knowing. I would rather have someone tell me to my face that they didn't like me, rather then have me guessing whether or not they did and not know how to act around them.
I leave you with this quote,
"Nothings ever as perfect as you can imagine it" -- Chuck Palahnuik
Sincerely,
Crystal