so apparently...
I hadn't discussed that I went to jail for fighting.
I have court in june.
"I heard you drug her out." I'm not braggin, it came from my homeboy's mouth, who said her friends said I won.
You know it was bad, when the person you fought with's friends admit you won.
But oh well. I feel bad because she was one of my best friends. shit happens. people change and do things they don't mean. Or wouldn't normally.
I still feel out of character. I feel sick. Tired. Hurt. I don't wanna go anywhere or do anything. I just wanna be left alone. But I want so badly not to. I wanna smoke. But I can't. I wanna stop being self destructive. i wanna be strong. But I just have this overwhelming feeling like I deserve everything that goes wrong. i deserve it all. i deserve to feel alone, because i have deserted who I really am. I haven't stood up for myself, I haven't stood up against my demons. And Its all coming full circle. I don't know what to do. I am really angry too. I wanna fight. But I know it's not good.
but these nightmares are killin me.
my teeth were all broken again last night. I just kept spittin them out. And my friend kept losing them. I don't understand why I keeep having these dreams. This time it was a flood. Last nightmare it was killin police and fire, blowing stuff up. I wake up feeling like my teeth are gone. this nightmare it was random teeth, last dream it was my four bottom front teeth.
From this nightmare:
I remember: a flood. Lots of water. My teeth. feeling sad. standing on a big green trashcan trying to climb or something. I think my friend cory was there. I remember being in an elevator to get places, like willy wonka, but it looked like the doors from my house. and this blue house. and my friend got out of the elevator and yelled at george bush.
and I know I was on his trash can, like a bad little kid or some shit.
And I remember this neighborhood, so vividly, it's hard to describe. It's so familiar, but I can't place it anywhere. Its in a lot of my dreams. Theres always woods behind houses. they always look half suburban, but then it looks very rundown. and all of my dreams are connected. I remember lots of dreams. But all of them give me horrible feelings. i'm always losing something. Sometimes I want to wake up. And I do. But sometimes I can't. and then I stop dreaming. I feel so conscience in my dreams. everything is so real, the colors and the way things feel. I always feel very odd, and out of place. I also go from watching other people do things, to watching myself do them. like I'm the narrator or something and then I see myself outside of myself, like changing the view on a videogame. I'm going to try and make a picture.
i'll post more later.g2g