Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place.
I don't feel alive today, I feel dead.
Lately I don't feel anything, and I'm such a bitch to everyone.
I don't know what's happening, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
Maybe being callous is the only way I can avoid getting hurt, but right now I feel like I can't experience joy either.
I can't decide if its better to feel every emotion to the utmost extreme or if its better to feel nothing.
I think about dying a lot, I miss Mammy a lot. I went over to Grandpa's house today, and it just felt empty and sad. I really need to talk to John about Mammy, since I really haven't in the year and a half I've been seeing him. That probably says something about how fucked up its made me, but who knows.
And maybe it isn't that I can't feel anything, because talking about Mammy raises tears into my eyes.
I just wish I could be happy, and that it were easy. But I can't be, and it's not. My life is forever complicated by my stupid mental illness.
Which I hate mentioning, because I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or that my problems are so much worse than everyone elses.
I just feel completely hopeless, and I feel like if Mammy were here that she would know exactly what to say to make me feel better. I never really had a mourning period, you know? I was so focused on being tough for everyone else, and making sure that everyone else had what they needed that I never got whatever it was that I needed.
I mean Spenser didn't really help, I'm sure he had no idea how to help.
I just can't believe that she is never coming back, I'd kill myself just to be with her. But I'm so uncertain of what happens when someone dies that it scares me. I don't want to not exist, and I don't want to believe that Mammy doesn't exist.
I'm such a worthless slut, my life has no value. What is wrong with me? Why do I sleep with people that I do not love? Why don't I care that I sleep around? It's because I have no self-worth.
This is the part where I would usually smoke weed and forget about everything and relax, but I can't afford any right now and it's making my life virtually unlivable.
I need to be reading a chapter of my history book for school, but fuck it. Damn it all. I hate school and I don't plan on living past 25 so school doesn't matter.
Why not past 25? I have no idea, I just have a really eerie feeling that I'm going to die young and tragically. Maybe I'll off myself, who knows.
Am I really fat?
................................................................................................................................................................ ineedtogosomewhere.
Lately I don't feel anything, and I'm such a bitch to everyone.
I don't know what's happening, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
Maybe being callous is the only way I can avoid getting hurt, but right now I feel like I can't experience joy either.
I can't decide if its better to feel every emotion to the utmost extreme or if its better to feel nothing.
I think about dying a lot, I miss Mammy a lot. I went over to Grandpa's house today, and it just felt empty and sad. I really need to talk to John about Mammy, since I really haven't in the year and a half I've been seeing him. That probably says something about how fucked up its made me, but who knows.
And maybe it isn't that I can't feel anything, because talking about Mammy raises tears into my eyes.
I just wish I could be happy, and that it were easy. But I can't be, and it's not. My life is forever complicated by my stupid mental illness.
Which I hate mentioning, because I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or that my problems are so much worse than everyone elses.
I just feel completely hopeless, and I feel like if Mammy were here that she would know exactly what to say to make me feel better. I never really had a mourning period, you know? I was so focused on being tough for everyone else, and making sure that everyone else had what they needed that I never got whatever it was that I needed.
I mean Spenser didn't really help, I'm sure he had no idea how to help.
I just can't believe that she is never coming back, I'd kill myself just to be with her. But I'm so uncertain of what happens when someone dies that it scares me. I don't want to not exist, and I don't want to believe that Mammy doesn't exist.
I'm such a worthless slut, my life has no value. What is wrong with me? Why do I sleep with people that I do not love? Why don't I care that I sleep around? It's because I have no self-worth.
This is the part where I would usually smoke weed and forget about everything and relax, but I can't afford any right now and it's making my life virtually unlivable.
I need to be reading a chapter of my history book for school, but fuck it. Damn it all. I hate school and I don't plan on living past 25 so school doesn't matter.
Why not past 25? I have no idea, I just have a really eerie feeling that I'm going to die young and tragically. Maybe I'll off myself, who knows.
Am I really fat?
................................................................................................................................................................ ineedtogosomewhere.