Brotips-ME Style (slightly NSFW)
Prompt from the Mass Effect Kink Meme - masseffectkink
Humorous drabbles for a few brotips. Does contain a bit of inappropriate language and suggestions.
Featuring: M!Shep, F!Shep, Joker, Garrus, that random turian from the Zakera Ward bar...
#179-Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
“Joker, plot a course for Tuchanka.”
“Sure thing Commander. Something wrong with Grunt again?”
“Nothing’s wrong, just some business Grunt and I need to take care of.”
“This isn’t about that breeding request is it?”
“Of course not,” Shepard said slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. “How did you know about that anyways?”
“EDI told me.” Joker spun around in his chair. “Listen, Shepard, it probably isn’t my place but just remember: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to Dr. Chakwas.”
#105-Stop for a second and consider this: You can literally do whatever the fuck you want.
The Collector Base was destroyed. For the second time she had stolen a ship under her command. Shepard put her face in her hands and sighed.
“Everything alright Commander?” Shepard looked up and saw Joker standing beside her. “We got the Collectors, saved human colonies, and pissed off Cerberus. What more could you ask for?”
“Joker, we stole the Normandy…again. How are we ever going to get support from the Council when this keeps happening?”
He put a friendly hand on her shoulder. “Who says we have to depend on the Council. Stop for a second and consider this: You can literally do whatever the fuck you want.”
Shepard paused for a moment, then a devious smirk formed on her lips.
#47-Don’t look at it as casual sex. Look at it is you helping your friend orgasm.
#42-Before you do anything else today, learn how to open a bra. You’re welcome.
“So, Garrus, you and the Commander hooking up?”
The turian turned away from his calibrations and looked at pilot leaning against the frame of the door. “Commander Shepard and I are not ‘hooking up.’”
“That’s not what EDI heard. Word on the comm is that you and Shepard are planning something for right before we hit the Collector Base.”
Garrus’s mandibles flicked once and he shifted his weight nervously. “It’s not what you think. I respect Shepard and I would never do anything to…”
Joker cut him off, “Trust me, I know Garrus. If it helps, don’t look at it as casual sex. Look at it as helping your friend orgasm.”
“I…what…that…” Garrus sputtered.
Joker laughed and slapped Garrus on the shoulder. “Also, before you do anything else today, learn how to open a bra.” He spun on his heal and headed back to the cockpit, calling out “You’re welcome,” before the door slid shut behind him.
#168-If life’s getting to you, remember that “stressed” backwards is “desserts.”
Shepard cursed and waved her arm across the mess hall table, sending several datapads crashing to the floor.
“Problem Commander?” Joker called from the kitchen.
“How does The Illusive Man expect me to stop the Collectors when I’m up to my neck in requisitions and side jobs for Cerberus?” She leaned back in her chair glumly. “There just aren’t enough hours in the day.”
Joker set something down beside her. “If life’s getting to you, remember that ‘stressed’ backwards is ‘desserts’.”
An hour later several empty pints of ice cream were scattering on the table between the pilot and commander. “Joker, I think this is the best idea you’ve ever had.”
#97-Sometimes, the answer to all of life’s problems is to throw down on the dance floor.
Here he was again, at a bar in the Zakera Ward, alone. Gevit noticed a cute asari with some friends in a corner. His eyes met hers and he smiled. Well, as much as a turian can. She quickly turned away and whispered to her companions. A couple of them turned to look at him, the just as quickly turned around again. They all started giggling.
He returned his attention to the drink in front of him. He tilted his head back and drank it in a single gulp. The alcohol was bitter but it was the cheapest dextro drink they served and all he could afford. He motioned to the bartender for more. Yep, another typical night for him.
The bartender came over and refilled his glass. “I saw you looking at that table over there. Why not go talk to them?”
Gevit turned his head slightly towards the asari again. He sighed and looked down at his hands.
“I see, too shy. Judging by your choice of drink, I’m guessing that buying them a round is out of the question. You know, sometimes the answer to all of life’s problems is to throw down on the dance floor.”
He looked up at the bartender and nodded. The bartender pulled out another glass from behind the counter and filled it as well. “On the house,” he said with a smile and left the to attend to the other customers.
Gevit downed one glass, rapidly followed by the other. His head spun slightly as he pushed himself away from bar and headed to the dance floor.
*****
“Shepard, can you still see him? I’m going ahead into the other room.” Silence. “Shepard, are you there? Is everything alright?” Still silence. “Shepard! I need you to focus!”
“Sorry Thane, I was a bit distracted.”
Humorous drabbles for a few brotips. Does contain a bit of inappropriate language and suggestions.
Featuring: M!Shep, F!Shep, Joker, Garrus, that random turian from the Zakera Ward bar...
#179-Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
“Joker, plot a course for Tuchanka.”
“Sure thing Commander. Something wrong with Grunt again?”
“Nothing’s wrong, just some business Grunt and I need to take care of.”
“This isn’t about that breeding request is it?”
“Of course not,” Shepard said slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. “How did you know about that anyways?”
“EDI told me.” Joker spun around in his chair. “Listen, Shepard, it probably isn’t my place but just remember: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to Dr. Chakwas.”
#105-Stop for a second and consider this: You can literally do whatever the fuck you want.
The Collector Base was destroyed. For the second time she had stolen a ship under her command. Shepard put her face in her hands and sighed.
“Everything alright Commander?” Shepard looked up and saw Joker standing beside her. “We got the Collectors, saved human colonies, and pissed off Cerberus. What more could you ask for?”
“Joker, we stole the Normandy…again. How are we ever going to get support from the Council when this keeps happening?”
He put a friendly hand on her shoulder. “Who says we have to depend on the Council. Stop for a second and consider this: You can literally do whatever the fuck you want.”
Shepard paused for a moment, then a devious smirk formed on her lips.
#47-Don’t look at it as casual sex. Look at it is you helping your friend orgasm.
#42-Before you do anything else today, learn how to open a bra. You’re welcome.
“So, Garrus, you and the Commander hooking up?”
The turian turned away from his calibrations and looked at pilot leaning against the frame of the door. “Commander Shepard and I are not ‘hooking up.’”
“That’s not what EDI heard. Word on the comm is that you and Shepard are planning something for right before we hit the Collector Base.”
Garrus’s mandibles flicked once and he shifted his weight nervously. “It’s not what you think. I respect Shepard and I would never do anything to…”
Joker cut him off, “Trust me, I know Garrus. If it helps, don’t look at it as casual sex. Look at it as helping your friend orgasm.”
“I…what…that…” Garrus sputtered.
Joker laughed and slapped Garrus on the shoulder. “Also, before you do anything else today, learn how to open a bra.” He spun on his heal and headed back to the cockpit, calling out “You’re welcome,” before the door slid shut behind him.
#168-If life’s getting to you, remember that “stressed” backwards is “desserts.”
Shepard cursed and waved her arm across the mess hall table, sending several datapads crashing to the floor.
“Problem Commander?” Joker called from the kitchen.
“How does The Illusive Man expect me to stop the Collectors when I’m up to my neck in requisitions and side jobs for Cerberus?” She leaned back in her chair glumly. “There just aren’t enough hours in the day.”
Joker set something down beside her. “If life’s getting to you, remember that ‘stressed’ backwards is ‘desserts’.”
An hour later several empty pints of ice cream were scattering on the table between the pilot and commander. “Joker, I think this is the best idea you’ve ever had.”
#97-Sometimes, the answer to all of life’s problems is to throw down on the dance floor.
Here he was again, at a bar in the Zakera Ward, alone. Gevit noticed a cute asari with some friends in a corner. His eyes met hers and he smiled. Well, as much as a turian can. She quickly turned away and whispered to her companions. A couple of them turned to look at him, the just as quickly turned around again. They all started giggling.
He returned his attention to the drink in front of him. He tilted his head back and drank it in a single gulp. The alcohol was bitter but it was the cheapest dextro drink they served and all he could afford. He motioned to the bartender for more. Yep, another typical night for him.
The bartender came over and refilled his glass. “I saw you looking at that table over there. Why not go talk to them?”
Gevit turned his head slightly towards the asari again. He sighed and looked down at his hands.
“I see, too shy. Judging by your choice of drink, I’m guessing that buying them a round is out of the question. You know, sometimes the answer to all of life’s problems is to throw down on the dance floor.”
He looked up at the bartender and nodded. The bartender pulled out another glass from behind the counter and filled it as well. “On the house,” he said with a smile and left the to attend to the other customers.
Gevit downed one glass, rapidly followed by the other. His head spun slightly as he pushed himself away from bar and headed to the dance floor.
*****
“Shepard, can you still see him? I’m going ahead into the other room.” Silence. “Shepard, are you there? Is everything alright?” Still silence. “Shepard! I need you to focus!”
“Sorry Thane, I was a bit distracted.”