Comments | katie_9918: I've been doing some thinking...

katie_9918

I've been doing some thinking...

Jan 21, 2009 20:22

... and I'm probably going to go on a little hiatus for a bit. I'll still be around commenting on BSG, but that's probably about it. It's pretty clear to me that there aren't many places where my opinions are welcome/downright ridiculed and I don't like arguing with my friends. Because you're all my friends. I love you guys, my old friends and my ( Read more... )

Comments 16

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katie_9918 January 22 2009, 02:31:25 UTC

I'm truly sorry if I've ever offended you or seemed to dismiss your point of view. To be honest, you're someone I respect highly for a myriad of reasons, not the least because you seem to be more worldly than I am. I'm going to be very careful about how I word this, because, believe me, I'm sure that there are things I've forgotten that actually were very important points to you and things I've agonized over that perhaps you didn't think so much about.

I don't do well in person. I've pretty much come to terms with that. I'm very dysfunctional in social situations and a lot of what I have to say is better articulated by other people. I'm sure that if I hadn't had a roommate with me at Dragon*Con, I would've spent half the night crying over how much of a fool I must have looked like while I was there.

I agree with you on a lot of things and even when I don't agree, I think I can almost always understand where you're coming from. I don't mean to be mean and I think the few people who really do know me would be shocked to hear that ( ... )

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katie_9918 January 22 2009, 03:09:30 UTC

Actually, I really would appreciate specific examples of behavior from me that I'm trying to understand, but only if you have the time to look across a couple of them. I know how busy you are and there are so many times when I've just wanted to comment on some of your posts and say, generally, that you're one of the most admirable people I know.

I'm not afraid of you, fandom-wise, because I know that if I'm ever on the receiving end of one of the EPIC B-SLAPS, it will have been well and truly earned. I don't think there's an area in which I don't respect your opinion.

I'm sure that in some of those instances, I'll look back and go, "I just shouldn't post or comment when I'm in a crappy mood," because even when I'm annoyed I do try to be a reasonable person.

I guess I think I've lost my perspective lately and I'm looking for some way to regain. I wish I could go back to the person I was, to that fourteen-year old who wanted to believe in OJ because he said he didn't do it. Maybe not the best example, because I do still believe ( ... )

laurandbillever January 22 2009, 02:33:09 UTC

Unlikable? Hardly. I've had a lot of confrontations with you, some of them huge, but still.... I don't think "unlikeable" is the word. "Strange:, "Difficult", "Different- yes, but not "unlikeable ( ... )

katie_9918 January 22 2009, 02:59:42 UTC

Did you go back to the thread? If you did, I'm happy for you. One thing I've learned over and over (my head's so thick it takes a long time for anything to sink in) is that a person has to make their own decisions. I hope my advice did some good, even though I think a lot of what I've had to say lately probably hasn't.

I'm really sorry if I've ever hurt your feelings, because I know I've been unnecessarily hard or nasty with you at times and that wasn't fair to you at all. I know this sounds like a broken record, but it's not me at all. I'm extremely shy in real life and it's easy to be assertive when you're not face-to-face. Unfortunately, I haven't had much real-life practice and my assertiveness can turn into aggression. Lack of practice isn't an excuse, but I'm going to do better in the future.

What I'm getting from you is that I'm quirky. And I actually think of that as a good thing, if I can start fine-tuning the positive sides of my quirkiness rather than the negative sides.

laurandbillever January 22 2009, 18:28:33 UTC

To go back in which thread? The a/r thread in scifi? No- I haven't and will never do it. I tried to make things right with RIG, sending her a long apology message after New Year. I was sincere in my apology. She didn't even answer. I cannot go to a place whose creator is so pissed at me that doesn't even answer to my apology message. And my advice is that you stay away from it, too ( ... )

borg_princess January 22 2009, 02:57:16 UTC

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I know we don't regularly chat or anything, but I just want to say that you're not alone in feeling like this. I'm surprised actually, because there have been a rash of similar entries in my journal and from other flisters. Maybe it's the time of year or something, beginning a new year and reflecting on the past and wondering how to change and make things better ( ... )

katie_9918 January 27 2009, 02:29:41 UTC

I'm feeling a little better this week and while I'm not happy that other people know what it's like to feel the way I did, it does help to know that I'm not alone.

It's not even being dropped that bothers me so much as the fact that some people won't even give me a chance. And I know I'm selling short the people who do give me that chance when all I can focus on is wondering why I'm not a good enough writer or a fun enough person to be able to hang out with the "cool kids" and not appreciate the people who do appreciate me. And then I just feel even worse because I start feeling like an ungrateful little shit, because I do have friends who do like to talk to me and include me.

I hope to finish that epic someday, but I've recently had my faith in my own writing very badly shaken by general remarks made by someone I respect very much, so I'll need to bounce back from that. I also belong to a prompt comm and I'm not sure exactly what's so "comm-y" about it, because I feel like it exists in a vacuum sometimes.

borg_princess January 27 2009, 03:10:06 UTC

all I can focus on is wondering why I'm not a good enough writer or a fun enough person to be able to hang out with the "cool kids" and not appreciate the people who do appreciate me. And then I just feel even worse because I start feeling like an ungrateful little shit, because I do have friends who do like to talk to me and include meOh, wow, that circular thing is the worst. That's why I envy people with the power of self-delusion who can be drama queens and ignore reason and common sense while they're venting. I'll have some issues, some resentment- then I'll think that life could be worse, that at least I do have people that care about me and I should be grateful for that, and stop worrying about the other things- then I feel guilty about spending time angsting instead of appreciating what I do have...then I get defensive...yah. Messy ( ... )

fellowshipper January 22 2009, 07:39:04 UTC

I'm sure that if I hadn't had a roommate with me at Dragon*Con, I would've spent half the night crying over how much of a fool I must have looked like while I was there. Oh noes! Were you that sad? Was it just because of the Eddie thing or something else? If it makes you feel any better, when I stood in line by myself to get his autograph, I was so nervous/excited that I tried to walk off without paying. That older lady that was there had to yell at me to get me back. WAY more embarrasing than not shaking his hand ( ... )

katie_9918 January 27 2009, 02:35:38 UTC

Who doesn't shake someone's hand? I have a hard time getting words out and I have some social anxiety stuff that made me even more nervous and glad that you were with me to take some (most) of the pressure off. And I like to think that, nervousness aside, the way I was acting with you is very much the way I act in everyday life, with perhaps a bit more emphasis placed on common courtesy and manners. I did feel bad about leaving you to go back to the Marriot for those three hours, though. That was kind of shady to do.

I've seen quite a few posts that have rankled me the wrong way or been downright insulting (without meaning to be, of course), but I've decided to simply keep my mouth shut when it comes to them, because it's not worth it anymore.

((Con Buddy))

Coincidentally, have you given any more thought to next year yet?

fellowshipper January 27 2009, 04:27:02 UTC

I did feel bad about leaving you to go back to the Marriot for those three hours, though. That was kind of shady to do.

No worries. I felt bad about not taking you. But I was so damn tired after being there all day and being in my car for 12 hours the day before that I really didn't wanna go back.

Have you already booked a hotel? I looked into rooms at the Hilton and the Marriot, but they're all sold out of the con rate. I could do a regular room at either one of them, but it's like $300+ a night. Wouldn't be too bad I guess if I had a few roomies. I plan on coming in on Thurs again and leaving on Monday. And incidentally, if you book your D*C tickets before Feb 13, you can get them for $70. After that it goes up and up until it reaches $100.

katie_9918 January 27 2009, 11:31:26 UTC

Oh, I didn't mind at all that you didn't want to take me. I mean, if we'd both wanted to go over and you didn't want to drive, we would've taken the cab anyway.

Yes, I got a room! At the Marriot! The only thing is, we might have to find another place for Sunday night. I say "might" because I haven't tackled the task of trying to add a night to my reservation yet.

trialia January 22 2009, 09:36:56 UTC

Idk... *huggles* I'm not good with people, either. I have a big flist, so if people don't draw attention to themselves - usually by commenting on something - I can go weeks without actually talking to people. Which I do in real life anyway. I don't mean it as leaving you out, honey, so please forgive me if I have made you feel that way, I never intended to. I like you, but sometimes you seem a little distant. I'd like to hear from you more... *hugs*