wacky
im not sure what im feeling half the time anymore. sorting out my thoughts trying to figure out if im content, happy, sad, lonely... im not sure how everyone else does it, but i seem to have more problems than most when it comes to just being happy. and sure im making plans, meeting new people, forming relationships, eating good food, seeing new places.. but that doesn't necessarily fill me to the brim with happiness. is it normal to not feel passionate and excitement? i only have the very peak of being excited or passionate, but then it dies away like i've never felt those feelings before. (i wish i were a good writer) my mind is like one of those old plastic rectangle containers with blue water mimicking the sea... as it tilts to the right and left while making the sound of the ocean, the waves crash against the sides... left and right left and right..
im not as indecisive as some people... but im not sure by what morals i should be living my life.. what perspective i should take... what feels best for me. i cant just figure out everything by myself.. i realize this and i know that someday i will no longer feel anxious. its hard to wait for that day... and i guess i shouldnt see it as waiting but more of a .. walking down a street with a baby's mind until my mind grows with respect to my body.. if that makes any sense. i feel like im behind.. like i should know more... why am i not content with my being? its definitely an uneasy feeling.
i know i must surround myself with positive people... dreamers.. idealists... we make good matches. its pretty obvious that i tend to make those types of friends. but we always seem to meet in the middle.. find common ground. thats the best part.
i am like this.. mass.. maybe clay... but sunken in at some point... at this point, a dark hole i imagine, is where i suck people in.. into my way of thinking.. my way of believing. and sure not everyone can be sucked in.. some resist.. others dont understand.. some dont care.. or some just miss it. i see many others like a bubble... where i bounce off of them.. never sinking into their mass... sometimes i poke it... the bubble bursts, but then reforms around point ive punctured.. thus recreating their bubble with me in it.
i always tend to see relationships or expression in shapes.. forms... pictures... whatever they are.. things interacting with things. i see them a lot when im half asleep.. for some reason a certain situation would represent this mental image that would be totally incomprehensible if i were completely awake. i really want to understand my mental image... how it relates to whatever relationship i was previously thinking about.. usually a situation in a dream. maybe its from drugs. who knows?!
reading about chinese philosophy and religion and borrowing ideas from the japanese culture has helped me some.. ive slowly acquired new thoughts that i can incorporate into my way of living. i need more... my mind is still uneasy! i think its very hard to live in any society, yes, in this time in the world, yes... i want to be able to be a part of society, yet not be concerned if i am doing the right thing or not... my heart hurts while im typing this..
ive been chatting on the internet for an hr, when i shouldve been starting my paper that is due tomorrow for linguistics. i feel that this paper is a lot harder for me, because i am not japanese and cannot understand what the japanese people are sayin (in a drama i hafta analyze)! most of the japanese in the school im in are fluent in both english and japanese. some arent.. i feel sorry for me! .. but most are, so those people will have an easier time with this assignment. boohoo me.
im not as indecisive as some people... but im not sure by what morals i should be living my life.. what perspective i should take... what feels best for me. i cant just figure out everything by myself.. i realize this and i know that someday i will no longer feel anxious. its hard to wait for that day... and i guess i shouldnt see it as waiting but more of a .. walking down a street with a baby's mind until my mind grows with respect to my body.. if that makes any sense. i feel like im behind.. like i should know more... why am i not content with my being? its definitely an uneasy feeling.
i know i must surround myself with positive people... dreamers.. idealists... we make good matches. its pretty obvious that i tend to make those types of friends. but we always seem to meet in the middle.. find common ground. thats the best part.
i am like this.. mass.. maybe clay... but sunken in at some point... at this point, a dark hole i imagine, is where i suck people in.. into my way of thinking.. my way of believing. and sure not everyone can be sucked in.. some resist.. others dont understand.. some dont care.. or some just miss it. i see many others like a bubble... where i bounce off of them.. never sinking into their mass... sometimes i poke it... the bubble bursts, but then reforms around point ive punctured.. thus recreating their bubble with me in it.
i always tend to see relationships or expression in shapes.. forms... pictures... whatever they are.. things interacting with things. i see them a lot when im half asleep.. for some reason a certain situation would represent this mental image that would be totally incomprehensible if i were completely awake. i really want to understand my mental image... how it relates to whatever relationship i was previously thinking about.. usually a situation in a dream. maybe its from drugs. who knows?!
reading about chinese philosophy and religion and borrowing ideas from the japanese culture has helped me some.. ive slowly acquired new thoughts that i can incorporate into my way of living. i need more... my mind is still uneasy! i think its very hard to live in any society, yes, in this time in the world, yes... i want to be able to be a part of society, yet not be concerned if i am doing the right thing or not... my heart hurts while im typing this..
ive been chatting on the internet for an hr, when i shouldve been starting my paper that is due tomorrow for linguistics. i feel that this paper is a lot harder for me, because i am not japanese and cannot understand what the japanese people are sayin (in a drama i hafta analyze)! most of the japanese in the school im in are fluent in both english and japanese. some arent.. i feel sorry for me! .. but most are, so those people will have an easier time with this assignment. boohoo me.