(no subject)
I was humiliated in my Learning and Development class last week. We had to read some bullshit article about "Diminishing Whiteness" in America and people's apparent grievance with a racial identity crisis. "White people don't know what to do with themselves because they have no culture of their own." The author pulled it together and ended on a promising note, cliche as it may be: "but perhaps it was a bridge, and perhaps we have crossed it." Some shit like that, that turns the whole thing around and pushes for an audible "aww" from the reader. I personally hated it. My whole gripe is that I've always thought of race as a social construction, so I didn't even see the point of the article. Race is an idea, a myth, created by people throughout history to oppress a "minority." People are diverse because of cultural differences, but race is a fallacy. Many professors have encouraged this interpretation throughout my undergraduate and graduate career, so when I voiced this view in class, I was assuming my professor would jump on board.
"See, I kind of think the whole article is silly, because race is really just a social construction."
"No. What do you mean it's a social construction? She doesn't think so," she was gesturing toward the only black girl in the class who happened to be shaking her head at my seemingly racist comment.
Ugh. Shit.
My professor proceeded to drill me on my notion of what race was. I became flustered and embarrassed because her outright "No" threw me for a loop. I tried to argue that race is an idea that people used throughout history to oppress others. It's based on stereotypes. There isn't one perspective on the issue, because it is entirely relative. It is based on what people think and how they communicate it to others. It is socialized. Try as I might, I guess I wasn't making any sense to her. She turned to the rest of the class and said, "Can anyone help her?"
"Can anyone help her?"
Those words were piercing. They were belittling and pretentious, as if to say, "Well, I know the real answer, of course, but I'm certainly not going to tell you, because I don't value anything you have to say. So...can anyone else help this idiot who doesn't know how to talk?"
AHHH!!!
I felt myself get hot and red all over, because now I was thoroughly embarrassed. This was my second attempt at trying to offer a different perspective on something, and the second time she turned to the class and asked, "Can someone help her?" (The first time I had tried to make a connection between multiple intelligences and the No Child Left Behind Act, but she didn't get that, either...)
I didn't say another word during class, and as I turned to get my things to leave, a classmate glanced over at me and mouthed, "What a bitch!" At least someone was on board with me. But I still felt alone.
I hurried to the next building and let myself cry in a bathroom stall for a few minutes, letting the feeling of being thoroughly embarrassed sink in. Thank GOD I hadn't cried in class, cause then I would have been a real idiot. I didn't want to cry over the damn thing. It wasn't that serious, but being put on the spot like that, and then feeling like a total idiot...well, I don't think much tops that for being the absolute suckiest feeling in the world.
I've always been a good student. I do my reading. I ask questions. I get involved. I'm invested. This is the first time in my experience as a student that I have felt this way because of a teacher. I just don't get it. Why would a teacher respond to a student this way? Was she offended that I called the article silly? If that's the case, how the hell is she still a teacher? Furthermore, how does she even live with herself?
Well, I'm taking this one to heart. I will be more conscious than ever about how I respond to my students. I certainly never want them to feel the way I did.
Midterm exam this week. Part of it is essay, and I'm a little worried about her subjectivity. BUT, I am vowing to absolutely kill this test, because I NEED to. If for nothing else, than to prove that I'm not a bumbling idiot. More importantly, I want to prove to myself that I don't need to give a shit about someone else. I can believe in myself and make it happen all on my own. Let this be the bridge. And let me cross it.
"See, I kind of think the whole article is silly, because race is really just a social construction."
"No. What do you mean it's a social construction? She doesn't think so," she was gesturing toward the only black girl in the class who happened to be shaking her head at my seemingly racist comment.
Ugh. Shit.
My professor proceeded to drill me on my notion of what race was. I became flustered and embarrassed because her outright "No" threw me for a loop. I tried to argue that race is an idea that people used throughout history to oppress others. It's based on stereotypes. There isn't one perspective on the issue, because it is entirely relative. It is based on what people think and how they communicate it to others. It is socialized. Try as I might, I guess I wasn't making any sense to her. She turned to the rest of the class and said, "Can anyone help her?"
"Can anyone help her?"
Those words were piercing. They were belittling and pretentious, as if to say, "Well, I know the real answer, of course, but I'm certainly not going to tell you, because I don't value anything you have to say. So...can anyone else help this idiot who doesn't know how to talk?"
AHHH!!!
I felt myself get hot and red all over, because now I was thoroughly embarrassed. This was my second attempt at trying to offer a different perspective on something, and the second time she turned to the class and asked, "Can someone help her?" (The first time I had tried to make a connection between multiple intelligences and the No Child Left Behind Act, but she didn't get that, either...)
I didn't say another word during class, and as I turned to get my things to leave, a classmate glanced over at me and mouthed, "What a bitch!" At least someone was on board with me. But I still felt alone.
I hurried to the next building and let myself cry in a bathroom stall for a few minutes, letting the feeling of being thoroughly embarrassed sink in. Thank GOD I hadn't cried in class, cause then I would have been a real idiot. I didn't want to cry over the damn thing. It wasn't that serious, but being put on the spot like that, and then feeling like a total idiot...well, I don't think much tops that for being the absolute suckiest feeling in the world.
I've always been a good student. I do my reading. I ask questions. I get involved. I'm invested. This is the first time in my experience as a student that I have felt this way because of a teacher. I just don't get it. Why would a teacher respond to a student this way? Was she offended that I called the article silly? If that's the case, how the hell is she still a teacher? Furthermore, how does she even live with herself?
Well, I'm taking this one to heart. I will be more conscious than ever about how I respond to my students. I certainly never want them to feel the way I did.
Midterm exam this week. Part of it is essay, and I'm a little worried about her subjectivity. BUT, I am vowing to absolutely kill this test, because I NEED to. If for nothing else, than to prove that I'm not a bumbling idiot. More importantly, I want to prove to myself that I don't need to give a shit about someone else. I can believe in myself and make it happen all on my own. Let this be the bridge. And let me cross it.