Wild Goose Chase
I've been thinking a lot about this. What do I feel like I'm always trying to get or achieve and never quie make it?
Obvious choices are my constant battle with my weight and fitness. Finishing my damn Master's. Opening myself up to a relationship.
But then I kept ruminating over the days. I looked at the things I keep trying and getting nowhere on in a deeper way. What do I wish I could do?
It came down to my family. I don't remember if I've talked about it here or just in therapy but I'm constantly trying to find a place in my own family. I don't think I have and I'm not sure I ever will.
Being raised by my grandparents put me on a different level than my cousins and it separated me from aunts and uncles who don't know how to treat me and it prevented a real closeness from developing with my siblings because I never lived with them.
As I've gotten older it's been more of an issue. I don't feel like I fit. Mems (my grandmother) and I became an island. Mems is my family and my rock. I feel like she's the only person I'm really myself around.
So when I'm on my own what do I do then? I try with my sisters but it's very surface. It takes a fucking emergency for us to go deep.
In the last year one of my sisters almost died and the other one tried to kill herself. Since then I have tried and tried to force a relationship. Invite them to stuff, try to set up monthly dinners, anything to help forge a bond.
It hasn't happened. They're both sweet and we talk sometimes and we hug and say I love you. But I have friends who have siblings that have that closeness that comes from living the same childhood and I wonder what it would be like to have that.
My mantra the last few years is you can only control what you can control and I know I can't control that and I know I've created my own family out of my lifelong friends.
But it always feels like I'm a black sheep on a quest to be accepted.
My own personal wild goose change.