Finding a place
I joined a church last year.
I'm 37 and it's the first time I ever regularly attended church. I didn't do it for me, I did it for my nephew. He craved going to church. He asked about it all the time.
His preschool had been in a neighborhood church and when he moved on to regular school he just missed it so much.
I put some caveats on the the search. I had to find a church that I felt comfortable in, one that's open and supports everyone and isn't the stereotypical church you think of when people say church.
We found a very 'blue' church in our 'red' state and Eli fell in love with it. I fell in like. I enjoy what it stands for, I enjoy the weekly messages. I'm helping with marketing and PR.
As a family we've had some rough things this year. One of my sisters came close to death, another struggled with depression. Findng this place made me feel better and made me feel proactive. But I sometimes feel like I found this place under the wrong circumstances.
But I find myself every week feeling a bit like an impostor. Like I don't know enough about the bible or church or what it entails to really fit in.
It has nothing to do with the church or the people there. I think it's all in my head.
Have I been so cynical for so long that it is hard to really be part of something true and good? OR have I just convinced myself of that and set myself up for failure?
I want to belong. I want to feel like I belong. How can I open myself up? What is the key to making me feel less like a poseur?
It's so sweet to watch my nephew. He feels happy, calm and so loved when we walk into church. I am happy to be giving him that opportunity. Maybe one day it will rub off on me.