feckless
We'd known each other for years. Decades really.
It'd gone from co-workers to friends. From nights out after work to talking about kids and schools and getting old.
I didn't think anything of it when I asked him to work on a project for work and he asked if I wanted to go with him on it.
I didn't really need to, but it sounded fun to get out of the building for a bit. We hadn't really talked in awhile so I thought it'd be a fun day.
For most of the day I was right.
I was in the middle of a story about a grad school class I took and all the inappropriate things we discussed (it was a professor pushing boundaries in ethics class). When there was an awkward segue.
"Speaking of being inappropriate."
My vision felt shaky. I got a pit in my stomach and I felt my cheeks redden.
What followed was an inappropriate proposition. Which was denied.
That 2 minutes of a car ride became an insane focus of mine for the next few days.
First I was horrified. I talked to my closest friends about it. Everyone was dumbfounded. I'd say in horror "I'm friends with his wife."
What did this say about how I presented myself? I'm loud and I curse and I have few boundaries. BUT does that scream 'ask me for sex?'
My therapist helped. We talked it out over a couple of sessions. I laughed in my head and wondered if the guy knew he'd become fodder for my anxiety. I wonder if that's sexy?
Then I was kind of flattered. I haven't been in the best place physically. I've talked about it here already. But it felt nice to be attractive to someone.
That led to the guilt. How horrible for me to find flattery in that. To feel better about myself because some jerk propositioned me. Am I so insecure that I find security in that?
It's been months now and still this comes back to me. I still don't know how to feel.
I wonder about my behavior. I wonder if he still thinks about it.
I don't see him now. The project is over.
Once in a while he or his family will pop up on social media and it all comes rushing back.
How did a brief conversation have such a lasting impact? What does it all mean? Can I just get over it?