Solvitur ambulando
I am very tired.
Almost all of the time. I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I survive being tired.
It's the norm for me. I have an auto-immune disease that sucks my energy on a good day. Add in daily stress, my shitty diet and the laziness that keeps me out of the gym and you've got an extra tired Kate.
I am very annoyed.
Mainly with myself. I know what to do to not be as tired. To reserve my energy. To support my body and mind. At the first sign of stress I drop the ball.
This isn't the norm. I used to run three days a week like clockwork. I'd get up when it was dark outside and hit the gym. My feet pounding the treatmill. Sweat pouring down. It was cathartic.
I fucked my hip up a couple of years ago.
In the middle of a half marathon. I came down wrong somehow and tore the cartilage in my hip. So long running. Hello physical therapy. Injections.
I am still searching for the next workout to make me sweat like that. To give me that high. To burn that nervous energy.
To replenish my soul.
Until my ability to run was gone I never realized how much it soothed me. It dulled my edges. Gave me an energy reserve while burning up my anxiety. It became my medicine.
I quit cold turkey.
I am still finding my new normal. Exercise used to be my cure all. My head clearing sweat. Feeling drenched out at the end of a run is one of my favorite feelings in life.
Everything can be fixed with a good walk or run.
Turning to new outlets when that's not an option is the biggest step of all.