My enemies are all too familiar. They're the ones who used to call me friend.
I have a to do list. Both in my head and on paper.
I think of the lists while I sit in bed and watch Bravo. Or while I obsessively put together a jigsaw puzzle all weekend.
Some of the items would be easy. Put in a load of laundry. Take out recycling. Some are more difficult. Put your IRB data together for thesis approval. Set the alarm to go to the gym.
I used to be obsessive about getting my to do list done. I'd wear myself out tackling the lists. I had lists of lists of lists. I lived in my dayplanner. I felt important.
When I was younger I looked at being busy as being important. Needed. Like I mattered.
I overextended myself. I said yes to everything. I wore my self thin. It was for the greater good. To be a Very Important Person.
Now I'm tired. I think I used all my energy up back then. I resigned from boards. I said no to some committees. I still avoid my to do list. I call it self-care.
It leads to self loathing. Why do I just keep putting things off?
My busy-ness became a buffer to a real world. I never stayed at one event too long. I made appearances and then ghosted. I became obsessed with Irish goodbyes. With planning my stops to the minute.
I didn't live my life. I gave the appearance of living a life. I filled my life with superficialiaty. Air kisses and promises of 'lunch soon!'
Now I'm tired of pretending. The hamster wheel continued.
I still make a to do list. It takes me weeks to finish, or I lose it before I finish. My thesis drags on. I sure the web at work when I could be working ahead or making things easier on myself.
I obsess over what might happen. I feel insecure in social settings again. My fake comfortableness evaporated when I stopped making appearances at every event.
My refusal to be vulnerable kept my life at bay. It started as self protections now it's self isolation.
I guess I am my own enemy after all.