(no subject)
I'm so tired of being tired. It's physical, it's mental, it's spiritual exhaustion. I don't have anything left. My work is being affected, I'm making stupid mistakes everywhere I turn. I've taken to hitting myself again because my sense of self-worth is so shattered that the idea of putting it back together again is laughable.
Don't get me started about work, really. It's such an autopilot task that all I have to do all day mentally is brood about how pathetic I am. And of course I can't stop thinking about her. I waver wildly from being able to accept that she's gone and that I need to move on, and pointless hope that maybe some magic fairy will wave her wand and she'll come back to me.
It's stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'm going up to the city this weekend. We're all supposed to game together. She'll be there. This is going to be incredibly difficult for me. None of them understand. This wasn't just some relationship, like everyone else gets. This was true love. The kind of thing that makes you go, oh, I get what the dumb songs are about. She was the other half of me, and now that's gone. Half of me is gone, and I have to go back to being half a person, just like I have been my whole life before I met her. I have to function with my own chaotic imbalance, veering desperately from yang to yin and furiously back again. I just can't do it.
None of them understand that I'm an intensely self-aware person. I know what I do and do not want, what I do and do not need. I need that other half. I need that partner, that companion, the daughter I will never have to the father I will never be. My whole life has been a quest to find that, to be that. I'm not complete without it. I'm simply not. My life will never be much, but if I can help my spirit's mate make the absolute most of theirs, my life can *mean* everything.
Without that, it doesn't mean anything. We're all here to do something, and I'm here to teach. In teaching, I learn. It gives me patience, and foresight, and wisdom that I don't have otherwise. Who I am is bound up in that dynamic, and that dynamic has to be there in my relationships, too. I need to feel needed, important, and special. I want to be that person my other half turns to, and I want them to feel the same way, to welcome me with open heart and open mind and open arms. The one I want to be with realises that we're both here to learn from each other, that the mutual partnership we have is born of a mutual simultaneous teacherness and studentness.
When Denise was happy and didn't harbor doubts, that's what we had. I want so very badly for that Denise to come back again. I want her to be happy. I want my little girl to find herself, and I want her to find some of herself in me, like I did in her. It seems so obvious a choice to me, and I just don't understand why it's not to her. I'm terrified that this freedom she seeks really is better for her, and I'll never have my other half back.
Can't you see how horrifying that prospect is for me? I can't ever, ever count on finding another person who has the same collection of aspects that are so compatible with mine. I'm young enough that it's a long, long fucking life in which to be this lonely. I'm old enough that the idea of starting my search all over again seems just too fucking exhausting, when I'm already so soul-deep tired. Everyone around me is getting on with their lives, settling down, marrying, having kids. There's no singles left. Of those singles, they're the ones who don't make the cut for obvious reasons. At my age, it's the cream of the crap that's left untaken. I'm right there with them. So I think you can see why I don't think much of myself these days.
Nearly thirty and single, with absolutely no prospects in sight? Christ, that's overwhelming.
My social/dating pool for the rest of my life could very well be the group of people I can't ethically date or socialize with: my students.
I've lived myself into a corner, because I thought I had some reasonable idea of where my future was headed. I didn't bother keeping options open. When you feel that complete, it seems silly to do so.
I fear I'm going to spend my whole life waiting for something to happen, because I'm locked into my routine with no way out. And that something will never arrive.
I've never asked to be rich, or famous. I'll never be the best kung-fu artist around, there's always better. The only thing, the ONLY thing, that I've ever asked for was to have a good woman in my life that I can share all the things a man can share with a woman. Is that really too much to ask for? Really?
Don't get me started about work, really. It's such an autopilot task that all I have to do all day mentally is brood about how pathetic I am. And of course I can't stop thinking about her. I waver wildly from being able to accept that she's gone and that I need to move on, and pointless hope that maybe some magic fairy will wave her wand and she'll come back to me.
It's stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'm going up to the city this weekend. We're all supposed to game together. She'll be there. This is going to be incredibly difficult for me. None of them understand. This wasn't just some relationship, like everyone else gets. This was true love. The kind of thing that makes you go, oh, I get what the dumb songs are about. She was the other half of me, and now that's gone. Half of me is gone, and I have to go back to being half a person, just like I have been my whole life before I met her. I have to function with my own chaotic imbalance, veering desperately from yang to yin and furiously back again. I just can't do it.
None of them understand that I'm an intensely self-aware person. I know what I do and do not want, what I do and do not need. I need that other half. I need that partner, that companion, the daughter I will never have to the father I will never be. My whole life has been a quest to find that, to be that. I'm not complete without it. I'm simply not. My life will never be much, but if I can help my spirit's mate make the absolute most of theirs, my life can *mean* everything.
Without that, it doesn't mean anything. We're all here to do something, and I'm here to teach. In teaching, I learn. It gives me patience, and foresight, and wisdom that I don't have otherwise. Who I am is bound up in that dynamic, and that dynamic has to be there in my relationships, too. I need to feel needed, important, and special. I want to be that person my other half turns to, and I want them to feel the same way, to welcome me with open heart and open mind and open arms. The one I want to be with realises that we're both here to learn from each other, that the mutual partnership we have is born of a mutual simultaneous teacherness and studentness.
When Denise was happy and didn't harbor doubts, that's what we had. I want so very badly for that Denise to come back again. I want her to be happy. I want my little girl to find herself, and I want her to find some of herself in me, like I did in her. It seems so obvious a choice to me, and I just don't understand why it's not to her. I'm terrified that this freedom she seeks really is better for her, and I'll never have my other half back.
Can't you see how horrifying that prospect is for me? I can't ever, ever count on finding another person who has the same collection of aspects that are so compatible with mine. I'm young enough that it's a long, long fucking life in which to be this lonely. I'm old enough that the idea of starting my search all over again seems just too fucking exhausting, when I'm already so soul-deep tired. Everyone around me is getting on with their lives, settling down, marrying, having kids. There's no singles left. Of those singles, they're the ones who don't make the cut for obvious reasons. At my age, it's the cream of the crap that's left untaken. I'm right there with them. So I think you can see why I don't think much of myself these days.
Nearly thirty and single, with absolutely no prospects in sight? Christ, that's overwhelming.
My social/dating pool for the rest of my life could very well be the group of people I can't ethically date or socialize with: my students.
I've lived myself into a corner, because I thought I had some reasonable idea of where my future was headed. I didn't bother keeping options open. When you feel that complete, it seems silly to do so.
I fear I'm going to spend my whole life waiting for something to happen, because I'm locked into my routine with no way out. And that something will never arrive.
I've never asked to be rich, or famous. I'll never be the best kung-fu artist around, there's always better. The only thing, the ONLY thing, that I've ever asked for was to have a good woman in my life that I can share all the things a man can share with a woman. Is that really too much to ask for? Really?