(no subject)
The worst part about this breakup is I feel like everyone knows I wasn't good enough, and they're judging me. I feel like an idiot for ever believing that I can ever get her back. Hope is as foolish as ambition. They're kind of one and the same, really.
I'm stuck. I'm just passing time, and I don't even have any idea towards what.
She and I have been talking again. It helps. It still hurts, but I have fewer really down moments just knowing that she's still in my life. How pathetic is that?
They say that to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. I think that's bullshit. How can one know if one's self is worth loving unless someone else does so first? To jump that gun seems like delusional narcissism, don't you think?
The truth is, I don't love me. I'm picky, and a lot of the time I don't feel good enough for myself. I know I have a ton of great qualities, but I'm also a giant jackass. I'm a fucking mountain of self-doubt, cynicism, and depression. I've been on a manic wave for something over three or four years, and now I'm crashing from that so hard I want to put a bullet through my head every three or four minutes.
But I do have one good quality: I keep my promises. I won't be offing myself, no matter how badly I want to. I promised I wouldn't. I promised I wouldn't hurt myself, either. They're hard promises to keep, because some sweet oblivion, or some reckless damage, sounds like a really good idea these days.
I just wish I felt like I had anything to offer anyone else besides disappointment. You'll never be good enough for me, and if you are, I'll never be good enough for you.
I'm stuck. I'm just passing time, and I don't even have any idea towards what.
She and I have been talking again. It helps. It still hurts, but I have fewer really down moments just knowing that she's still in my life. How pathetic is that?
They say that to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. I think that's bullshit. How can one know if one's self is worth loving unless someone else does so first? To jump that gun seems like delusional narcissism, don't you think?
The truth is, I don't love me. I'm picky, and a lot of the time I don't feel good enough for myself. I know I have a ton of great qualities, but I'm also a giant jackass. I'm a fucking mountain of self-doubt, cynicism, and depression. I've been on a manic wave for something over three or four years, and now I'm crashing from that so hard I want to put a bullet through my head every three or four minutes.
But I do have one good quality: I keep my promises. I won't be offing myself, no matter how badly I want to. I promised I wouldn't. I promised I wouldn't hurt myself, either. They're hard promises to keep, because some sweet oblivion, or some reckless damage, sounds like a really good idea these days.
I just wish I felt like I had anything to offer anyone else besides disappointment. You'll never be good enough for me, and if you are, I'll never be good enough for you.