Space
I'm still processing everything that has transpired in the last few weeks and I kinda feel like all I want is space. Lucky me, that's exactly what I'm getting right now. 4 days of me time. To think about everything. To focus on what brings me joy. And to figure out exactly what's on my mind. I commit myself fully to all these things. Social events, people, family. And I forget sometimes it's ok to just turn off technology and focus on me and whatever I want to do at that time.
In 2 weeks I'm going to spend 4 days straight with my brother as we drive across the country. In the last year I've spent more days on the road than I care to admit to. Probably close to 17,000 miles at this point. Insanity. I've flown more than that, but flying is less stressful in so many ways.
In true me fashion I can't say no to people. I love my brother and I seriously can't wait to see him, but I'm also committing myself to another person. Like I always do. Fred wants to come visit and I couldn't say no to that. I should have said no to that. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have to stop worrying about hurting people. Sure, it's gonna hurt them, but I'm not doing it on purpose and I'm not out to do it for fun.
Being around Fred during my birthday week made me realize just how much I care about Breck boy. But I'm also sooooo not ready for seriousness. I love living on my own. I love my space. I love my solitude. I also don't like driving 140 round trip to see him. In the very beginning it was fun. Now, not as much. It's a LOT of driving. Once a week is fine. It will become harder in the winter. I'm not a huge fan of driving in the snow and his car isn't exactly a winter car.
I feel tired. More tired than I have in awhile. Not sure what's wrong with me. I'm working out a lot, but that should give me more energy, not less. I think I just need space. And to sleep more.