Word Vomit.
So much has happened since the last entry and it's only been a few days.
New Year's Day, I went to the movies with TC and his friends Ian and Jeff. It was good, I thought it was going to be terrible, but it was good. We went to dinner, then saw two movies and i don't even know what either of them were about. I kissed him once, he kissed me back a few times, then the first movie was over. Next we snuck into another movie and made out twice, i think.
Daddy came to pick me up, and was super pissed about me being out so late and not calling. Well, he wasn't pissed so much as just really really disapointed - which is like worse.
So of course, being the psyco-me that i am, I invent this story about how i got grounded until friday, so it'll give me time to think and sort things out. Some sorting gets done and I calm down.
We hang out on friday for about... 7 ish hours, at least 4 of which are spent making out. He asks me out, I cave because he starts with the neck kisses. Neck kisses should be illegal. I hardly have any will power as it is, and they don't help at all.
Saturday, which is today, we spend 3 hours together. The basic run down is that I let him get way too into it, because i couldn't make myself stop him. Then had a near breakdown, almost involving tears. We had a heartfelt little conversation, I managed to weird him out some more, and the making out continued anyways.
It wasn't like really far, really far. I mean, we both kept our clothes on. But it just feels like everything is moving so fast. I mean, it's only been like a week since our little "thing" started.
I don't want to be a tease though. I mean, he had his hand up the back of my shirt, and i definitely let him get away with too much ass-groping, but i mean, i did have my hands up his shirt and in his jean pockets, so i can't really judge.
The whole time, I was like, I should stop this because it's not fair to him. But then I was like, nah it doesn't even matter, nothing's going to happen. It just scares me that I could actually want someone that bad physically speaking. And I feel like if I don't draw the line, he's going to assume there is no line, and i'm just going to be letting him down.
I think I overthink things too much. He was actually really nice about it, saying that we could do as little or as much as I want. But it still makes me nervous.
I think about him alot though, not so much just like during the day. But nighttime is bad, because I want him there, right next to me. I haven't been able to sleep properly for a week and it takes me like a hour each night to fall asleep.
It's really scary to think that someone thinks about you all the time, but for me the scariest part is that i feel the same way. i sound like a bad after-school special.
I had two rules for myself going into this. Number one - be open; actually being heard involves actually talking. And Number two - no regrets. They're really important to me because that's what i think my major mistakes with Jake were.
On the being open one, well... it's not working out that great. First lie was about being grounded. But that was because I'm a weakling and needed time to cope. No harm done. If anything the tension just brought us closer together. Second, I lied tonight because he has some hockey party to go to, and I know he really wanted to go, but he didn't want to live me home alone on a saturday night, so I lied and said I was hanging out with Lina. That one's not that big of a deal, I just want him to be able to go out and have fun and not worry about me. I don't like that it feels like I'm holding him back. But, on the plus side, I did tell him (or at least tried to tell him) about not wanting to go to far, but really really wanting to. I don't know if he really understood, but I don't think it really matters.
On the no regrets front, I think I'm doing pretty good. As long as TC doesn't turn out to be as bi-polar as Jake, I think i'll be good. :)
My dreams (although they've been hard to land upon), have been rather livid lately, so I checked out a dream dictionary.
Ferret
To see a ferret in your dream, symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching.
Play
To dream that you are playing, suggests your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You have unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, it may be an indication that you are all work and no play.
To dream that you are watching a play, represents the parts you play in your life and the various acts and personas you put on.
Mall
To dream that you are at the mall, represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone. The mall is also symbolic of materialism and the need to keep up with the trends, fads, and/or the latest technology.
Enemy
To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing ideas and contradictory attitudes. It also indicates something that you are in denial about or someone whom you are rejecting. Enemies may also represent the enemies within and your inner conflict with yourself.
To dream that you are dealing with the enemies, represents a resolution to some inner conflict or waking life problem.
Restaurant
To dream that you are in a restaurant, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions/choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.
Spiders
To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and� stay away from an alluring and tempting situation.� The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against� your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.
To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.
To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.
To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.
I feel better now. The only thing I didn't mention that I wanted to is that making out is weird. It's so odd how people equate swapping spit with being in love. Kind of gross. We're (and by that I mean TC, but mainly me) getting better though. When it gets really intense it's good, but sometimes it just kind of creeps me out. I like the snuggling though. And the hand-holding. And the butterflies.
And i'm happy. Like actually happy. All the time. It's amazing.
And he sends me little msgs all the time.
And he txts me goodnight, with a little heart, like every night, and good morning, or how did you sleep because he knows I haven't been able to sleep good in a long time. And he kisses my forehead and makes everything better. And he kisses my neck for me, because he knows I like it. And he (usually) does his best to avoid giving me hickeys. And he tells me i'm cute, and he txts me that he misses me, when we've only been apart for a few hours.
And I'm a smitten little kitten. And it's ridiculous. But great, all at the same time.
New Year's Day, I went to the movies with TC and his friends Ian and Jeff. It was good, I thought it was going to be terrible, but it was good. We went to dinner, then saw two movies and i don't even know what either of them were about. I kissed him once, he kissed me back a few times, then the first movie was over. Next we snuck into another movie and made out twice, i think.
Daddy came to pick me up, and was super pissed about me being out so late and not calling. Well, he wasn't pissed so much as just really really disapointed - which is like worse.
So of course, being the psyco-me that i am, I invent this story about how i got grounded until friday, so it'll give me time to think and sort things out. Some sorting gets done and I calm down.
We hang out on friday for about... 7 ish hours, at least 4 of which are spent making out. He asks me out, I cave because he starts with the neck kisses. Neck kisses should be illegal. I hardly have any will power as it is, and they don't help at all.
Saturday, which is today, we spend 3 hours together. The basic run down is that I let him get way too into it, because i couldn't make myself stop him. Then had a near breakdown, almost involving tears. We had a heartfelt little conversation, I managed to weird him out some more, and the making out continued anyways.
It wasn't like really far, really far. I mean, we both kept our clothes on. But it just feels like everything is moving so fast. I mean, it's only been like a week since our little "thing" started.
I don't want to be a tease though. I mean, he had his hand up the back of my shirt, and i definitely let him get away with too much ass-groping, but i mean, i did have my hands up his shirt and in his jean pockets, so i can't really judge.
The whole time, I was like, I should stop this because it's not fair to him. But then I was like, nah it doesn't even matter, nothing's going to happen. It just scares me that I could actually want someone that bad physically speaking. And I feel like if I don't draw the line, he's going to assume there is no line, and i'm just going to be letting him down.
I think I overthink things too much. He was actually really nice about it, saying that we could do as little or as much as I want. But it still makes me nervous.
I think about him alot though, not so much just like during the day. But nighttime is bad, because I want him there, right next to me. I haven't been able to sleep properly for a week and it takes me like a hour each night to fall asleep.
It's really scary to think that someone thinks about you all the time, but for me the scariest part is that i feel the same way. i sound like a bad after-school special.
I had two rules for myself going into this. Number one - be open; actually being heard involves actually talking. And Number two - no regrets. They're really important to me because that's what i think my major mistakes with Jake were.
On the being open one, well... it's not working out that great. First lie was about being grounded. But that was because I'm a weakling and needed time to cope. No harm done. If anything the tension just brought us closer together. Second, I lied tonight because he has some hockey party to go to, and I know he really wanted to go, but he didn't want to live me home alone on a saturday night, so I lied and said I was hanging out with Lina. That one's not that big of a deal, I just want him to be able to go out and have fun and not worry about me. I don't like that it feels like I'm holding him back. But, on the plus side, I did tell him (or at least tried to tell him) about not wanting to go to far, but really really wanting to. I don't know if he really understood, but I don't think it really matters.
On the no regrets front, I think I'm doing pretty good. As long as TC doesn't turn out to be as bi-polar as Jake, I think i'll be good. :)
My dreams (although they've been hard to land upon), have been rather livid lately, so I checked out a dream dictionary.
Ferret
To see a ferret in your dream, symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching.
Play
To dream that you are playing, suggests your tendency to go against the norm and break the rules of convention. You have unrestricted creativity. Alternatively, it may be an indication that you are all work and no play.
To dream that you are watching a play, represents the parts you play in your life and the various acts and personas you put on.
Mall
To dream that you are at the mall, represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone. The mall is also symbolic of materialism and the need to keep up with the trends, fads, and/or the latest technology.
Enemy
To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing ideas and contradictory attitudes. It also indicates something that you are in denial about or someone whom you are rejecting. Enemies may also represent the enemies within and your inner conflict with yourself.
To dream that you are dealing with the enemies, represents a resolution to some inner conflict or waking life problem.
Restaurant
To dream that you are in a restaurant, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions/choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.
Spiders
To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and� stay away from an alluring and tempting situation.� The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against� your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.
To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.
To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.
To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.
I feel better now. The only thing I didn't mention that I wanted to is that making out is weird. It's so odd how people equate swapping spit with being in love. Kind of gross. We're (and by that I mean TC, but mainly me) getting better though. When it gets really intense it's good, but sometimes it just kind of creeps me out. I like the snuggling though. And the hand-holding. And the butterflies.
And i'm happy. Like actually happy. All the time. It's amazing.
And he sends me little msgs all the time.
And he txts me goodnight, with a little heart, like every night, and good morning, or how did you sleep because he knows I haven't been able to sleep good in a long time. And he kisses my forehead and makes everything better. And he kisses my neck for me, because he knows I like it. And he (usually) does his best to avoid giving me hickeys. And he tells me i'm cute, and he txts me that he misses me, when we've only been apart for a few hours.
And I'm a smitten little kitten. And it's ridiculous. But great, all at the same time.