I have no excuse for this
So I was working on my Narnia fic (I was!) when this plot tribble bit me. This incredibly silly, cracky plot tribble. And it made me laugh, so I opened a new window, and I only meant to write down some notes so that I could come back later and write a ridiculous crackfic later...only I seem to have already done that, just now. I'm really not sure how that happened.
Anyway, I just wrote a short ficlet crossing Supernatural with Questionable Content, one of my favorite off-kilter webcomics. I have no explanation. But I'm posting it because it made me laugh a lot and I thought it might make a few other folks laugh, too. Then I'm going to go back to working on the Narnia fic, honest.
You don't have to have ever read QC before now to read this. The fic is from Sam's POV, and simply portrays the Winchester boys making a small side-trip into the bizarre and often crack-filled world of the QC baristas. Just take my word for it that everything in the fic could totally happen on an average day at Coffee of Doom.
Also, it's 100% un-beta'd because to devote even a moment more to this thing would just be unseemly. Beware my extremely suspect use of punctuation. Have I scared you away, yet?
Title: It doesn't have one, but I'm open to suggestions
Author: kalquessa
Fandom: Supernatural, Questionable Content
Genre: Gen, Humor, Crack crack crackity-crack
Word Count: 1,720
Characters: Dean, Sam, Dora, Faye, Raven
Season/Spoilers: S1, because that's my default, apparently. No specific spoilers.
Rating: PG-13 because it contains Dora, and Faye gets in a cuss word as per usual
Warnings: If you're not already beating a hasty retreat, nothing that I can say here is going to stop you.
All Dean says that morning is, "If we're going to be driving through Hampshire County, we should swing through Northampton, I know this great place for coffee."
Sam is baffled, because while Dean's love of coffee is rivaled only by Sam's own, it's not usually something they make plans around. But he shrugs his agreement, and around three o'clock that afternoon, they're climbing out of the car in front of a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop in central Massachusetts.
The shop's sign reads "COFFEE OF DOOM" which makes Sam smile. They join the end of a short line, and Sam glances up at the specials board ("Cinnamon Latte, Decaf Cinnamon Mocha, Cinnamon Kung-fu Kick to the Head") and decides that maybe his brother's mild fixation with this place isn't all that mysterious, after all: the three women behind the counter all fit various Hot Chick stereotypes. A curvy brunette with Tina Fay glasses is taking orders, a pretty goth girl is reading something on a laptop, and the pierced punker working the cash register is wearing a tank-top that displays a truly stunning amount of (admittedly, very attractive) décolletage.
The guy in front of them orders a white chocolate mocha, and Curvy Brunette replies, "Sure thing, one Complete Abandonment of Masculinity coming up, you want extra testosterone with that?"
The guy splutters and Sam blinks, but Dean just grins as Curvy Brunette turns away to fill the order, and White Chocolate Mocha Guy shuffles toward the cash register, effectively dismissed. Curvy Brunette turns back to the counter and looks Sam up and down appraisingly.
"Let me guess. Half-caf soy latte."
Sam blinks again. "Um..."
"Yeah, thought so. It's the hair. What about you, Sundance?" she asks, turning to Dean.
Dean gives her one of his most winning smiles. "Aw, c'mon, Faye, you mean you don't recognize me?"
She gazes at him with the most unimpressed expression Sam has ever seen on a living thing. "Can't say that I recall knowing any biker boys so pretty that they have to turn up their collars that aggressively to assert their manhood, no."
"That's what you always say," replies Dean, still smiling to beat the band.
"I always knock you on your smarmy ass after I say it?"
"Faye," the goth girl at the laptop doesn't look up, but she waves a warning finger at Curvy Brunette. "You know the rules: customer abuse is to be verbal only, no physical violence."
"I seem to recall there being provisions for extenuating circumstance," replies the woman named Faye.
"There are," Goth Girl's voice is bored but firm. "But he hasn't tried to grab your boobs or ordered anything in size 'Venti' so you'll have to let him live."
Faye rolls her eyes and turns back to Dean. "So. You gonna order coffee, or are you just here to schmooze all over the counter?"
"Black coffee," Dean replies.
"You wanna be a little more specific, there, champ?" Faye waves at the list of coffees behind her head.
"Surprise me!" Dean says with a magnanimous wave, and pulls Sam along the counter to the cash register. The cashier, whose bangs are dyed bright pink, takes one look at Dean, gives a shriek of glee, and leans over the counter (giving everyone in the room an even better view down the front of her shirt) to give Dean a solid kiss on the lips.
Dean grins at her. "Hey, Raven, at least you remember me!"
"I would remember you, too," Goth Girl interjects, still not looking up from her laptop, "only I've had all memory of that whole thing with the zombie ninjas surgically removed from my brain."
Dean gives an amused chuckle. "How's business, Dora?"
"Great. We've started having Raven flash her cleavage at everyone when they pay and it makes them forget how nasty Faye was to them."
"All that quality sarcasm wasted," Faye laments from the other end of the counter.
The girl with pink bangs--Raven?--looks past Dean at Sam and gets an alarmingly predatory gleam in her eye. "Who's your friend, Dean?"
Dean grins over his shoulder at Sam and replies, "Oh, hey, I'm not minding my manners. Ladies, this is my brother Sam. Sam, the lovely ladies of Coffee of Doom."
"Nice to meet you, Dean the Jackass's Brother," calls Faye.
"I'm Raven!" Raven leans out over the counter again, this time to shake his hand, and Dean snickers when Sam has to blink repeatedly in order to not stare at her chest.
Dora actually looks up to wave at him, and says, "Aw, you're a cutie-pie, just like your brother! How nice of your parents to contribute so much cuteness to the gene pool."
Sam is fairly certain that he manages to say something like "nice to meet you all," more or less audibly.
Faye slides their coffees down the counter at Raven, calling, "One half-caf soy latte and one black Summatran with a shot of fuck-off-and-die."
"She's still mad about that time with the haunted samovar," Raven says to Dean. She hands Sam his coffee, then pulls a business card out of her back pocket and hands him that, too.
"'Raven Pritchard thinks you're a cutie'?" Dean reads over his shoulder. "And is that your phone number?"
"Yep!" she chirps in reply. "I had cards made because it was easier than trying to find a pen and paper all the time." She gives Sam a beguiling smile through her pink bangs. "Keep it handy, Sam."
Sam is reduced to simply blushing in response, which makes Raven giggle.
"Raven, you're going to make the poor kid spontaneously combust," calls Faye.
Dora is back to clicking intently at the laptop. "Speaking of spontaneous combustion, you guys will not believe the fetish site I just found--"
That's when the dinosaur charges through the shop door.
Sam's brain skips from My gun's back in the car to thank God Dean has his, I wonder if .45 rounds will work on a velociraptor and then stutters to a momentary halt on wait...a velociraptor?
At that point, Raven is screaming, the dinosaur is letting loose an angry shriek that drowns her out, and Dean is emptying the .45's magazine into it. The bullets don't seem to slow it down much, but it does swing around to see who's shooting at it, which apparently gives Faye the window she needs to get in close enough to hack its head halfway off with a broadsword
The broadsword would be cause for more surprise if Sam weren't busy wondering why the velociraptor seems to be mostly made of circuit boards and cable on the inside.
The dinosaur (robot dinosaur?) collapses into a twitching heap, and Faye pokes it suspiciously with the end of the sword.
"Ya think they'll have that on the tour?" Dean quips, leaning in to get a closer look.
"Is this really the time to be quoting Jurassic Park?" Faye replies, looking annoyed.
"Hey, I'll probably never get another chance!" Dean grins. "Not every day I get to help take down a friggin' dinosaur."
"Robot dinosaur," Faye corrects. "Looks like Hannelore's dad sent her another prototype. I wonder how it got out of her apartment."
"Good thing we had the Anti-Thievery Broadsword," says Dora, coming around the counter to get a better look. "I'm going to call it Skofleifsmungen the Lizard-biter, from now on."
"Does this mean we're going to have to live through another one of your Tolkien-Inspired Nordic Death Metal phases?" sighs Faye.
"Shut up, you," replies Dora, turning back toward the counter. "You okay, over there, Raven?"
Raven looks from Dora to Sam, who just stares back because robotic dinosaur attack averted by application of broadsword is taking his brain a while to process.
"Oh my gosh, that was so scary!" Raven squeaks, wide-eyed. "I feel dizzy I thinkI'mgoingtofaint!"
Dora glances at Sam, then back at Raven. "I think he's temporarily out of order, honey. He's not gonna be catching anyone mid-swoon in the next few minutes, sorry."
Raven shrugs, huffs a sigh, and pouts. "It was worth a try." Sam realizes that he's been standing and staring with his mouth half-open ever since Faye and Dean took down the velociraptor (with a friggin' broadsword) and composes himself hurriedly.
"You okay, Sammy?" Dean's on his knees, examining an exposed section of the velociraptor's circuitry, but he pauses long enough to cast a glance over his shoulder at Sam.
"Fine," Sam replies, and then because Faye is smirking at him: "So have you killed many robotic dinosaurs with that sword?"
"This is my first," admits Faye, swinging the sword in a showy figure-eight.
"And where'd you learn to use a broadsword?"
"I had a crush on Val Kilmer in Willow."
Dora, ignoring them, turns to eye the shop's front door, which is hanging awkwardly off the top hinge. "Man, now I gotta get the door fixed, again."
"I could take a look at it for you, if you want," Dean offers, but she waves him off.
"That's okay, I got it covered. Besides, I want you outta my coffee shop: every time you show up, something catastrophic happens. At least this time I didn't have to open up shop to find everything covered in an inch of salt."
Dean grins and shrugs. "Sammy and I had better hit the road, then."
"Alright, well you gentlemen have a nice evening." Dora gives them a distracted wave as she heads toward the back of the shop. "I've gotta go call Hannelore and tell her to stop her dad from sending any more cybernetics experiments to her, or at least to ship them in sturdier crates."
"Don't forget your coffee!" calls Raven, waving goodbye. Dean waves back, snags their coffees off the counter, and shoulders Sam in the direction of the door.
Faye smiles at Sam and punches Dean in the arm as they pass, saying, "Nice to meet you, Sam! Thanks for the assist, Jackass!"
When they reach the car, Sam stops and just shakes his head for a minute.
"What?" Dean takes a slurp of his coffee before getting into the driver's seat.
Sam sinks into his seat. "A robot dinosaur."
"I know," Dean grins. "That was awesome. I love stopping there for coffee."
Anyway, I just wrote a short ficlet crossing Supernatural with Questionable Content, one of my favorite off-kilter webcomics. I have no explanation. But I'm posting it because it made me laugh a lot and I thought it might make a few other folks laugh, too. Then I'm going to go back to working on the Narnia fic, honest.
You don't have to have ever read QC before now to read this. The fic is from Sam's POV, and simply portrays the Winchester boys making a small side-trip into the bizarre and often crack-filled world of the QC baristas. Just take my word for it that everything in the fic could totally happen on an average day at Coffee of Doom.
Also, it's 100% un-beta'd because to devote even a moment more to this thing would just be unseemly. Beware my extremely suspect use of punctuation. Have I scared you away, yet?
Title: It doesn't have one, but I'm open to suggestions
Author: kalquessa
Fandom: Supernatural, Questionable Content
Genre: Gen, Humor, Crack crack crackity-crack
Word Count: 1,720
Characters: Dean, Sam, Dora, Faye, Raven
Season/Spoilers: S1, because that's my default, apparently. No specific spoilers.
Rating: PG-13 because it contains Dora, and Faye gets in a cuss word as per usual
Warnings: If you're not already beating a hasty retreat, nothing that I can say here is going to stop you.
All Dean says that morning is, "If we're going to be driving through Hampshire County, we should swing through Northampton, I know this great place for coffee."
Sam is baffled, because while Dean's love of coffee is rivaled only by Sam's own, it's not usually something they make plans around. But he shrugs his agreement, and around three o'clock that afternoon, they're climbing out of the car in front of a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop in central Massachusetts.
The shop's sign reads "COFFEE OF DOOM" which makes Sam smile. They join the end of a short line, and Sam glances up at the specials board ("Cinnamon Latte, Decaf Cinnamon Mocha, Cinnamon Kung-fu Kick to the Head") and decides that maybe his brother's mild fixation with this place isn't all that mysterious, after all: the three women behind the counter all fit various Hot Chick stereotypes. A curvy brunette with Tina Fay glasses is taking orders, a pretty goth girl is reading something on a laptop, and the pierced punker working the cash register is wearing a tank-top that displays a truly stunning amount of (admittedly, very attractive) décolletage.
The guy in front of them orders a white chocolate mocha, and Curvy Brunette replies, "Sure thing, one Complete Abandonment of Masculinity coming up, you want extra testosterone with that?"
The guy splutters and Sam blinks, but Dean just grins as Curvy Brunette turns away to fill the order, and White Chocolate Mocha Guy shuffles toward the cash register, effectively dismissed. Curvy Brunette turns back to the counter and looks Sam up and down appraisingly.
"Let me guess. Half-caf soy latte."
Sam blinks again. "Um..."
"Yeah, thought so. It's the hair. What about you, Sundance?" she asks, turning to Dean.
Dean gives her one of his most winning smiles. "Aw, c'mon, Faye, you mean you don't recognize me?"
She gazes at him with the most unimpressed expression Sam has ever seen on a living thing. "Can't say that I recall knowing any biker boys so pretty that they have to turn up their collars that aggressively to assert their manhood, no."
"That's what you always say," replies Dean, still smiling to beat the band.
"I always knock you on your smarmy ass after I say it?"
"Faye," the goth girl at the laptop doesn't look up, but she waves a warning finger at Curvy Brunette. "You know the rules: customer abuse is to be verbal only, no physical violence."
"I seem to recall there being provisions for extenuating circumstance," replies the woman named Faye.
"There are," Goth Girl's voice is bored but firm. "But he hasn't tried to grab your boobs or ordered anything in size 'Venti' so you'll have to let him live."
Faye rolls her eyes and turns back to Dean. "So. You gonna order coffee, or are you just here to schmooze all over the counter?"
"Black coffee," Dean replies.
"You wanna be a little more specific, there, champ?" Faye waves at the list of coffees behind her head.
"Surprise me!" Dean says with a magnanimous wave, and pulls Sam along the counter to the cash register. The cashier, whose bangs are dyed bright pink, takes one look at Dean, gives a shriek of glee, and leans over the counter (giving everyone in the room an even better view down the front of her shirt) to give Dean a solid kiss on the lips.
Dean grins at her. "Hey, Raven, at least you remember me!"
"I would remember you, too," Goth Girl interjects, still not looking up from her laptop, "only I've had all memory of that whole thing with the zombie ninjas surgically removed from my brain."
Dean gives an amused chuckle. "How's business, Dora?"
"Great. We've started having Raven flash her cleavage at everyone when they pay and it makes them forget how nasty Faye was to them."
"All that quality sarcasm wasted," Faye laments from the other end of the counter.
The girl with pink bangs--Raven?--looks past Dean at Sam and gets an alarmingly predatory gleam in her eye. "Who's your friend, Dean?"
Dean grins over his shoulder at Sam and replies, "Oh, hey, I'm not minding my manners. Ladies, this is my brother Sam. Sam, the lovely ladies of Coffee of Doom."
"Nice to meet you, Dean the Jackass's Brother," calls Faye.
"I'm Raven!" Raven leans out over the counter again, this time to shake his hand, and Dean snickers when Sam has to blink repeatedly in order to not stare at her chest.
Dora actually looks up to wave at him, and says, "Aw, you're a cutie-pie, just like your brother! How nice of your parents to contribute so much cuteness to the gene pool."
Sam is fairly certain that he manages to say something like "nice to meet you all," more or less audibly.
Faye slides their coffees down the counter at Raven, calling, "One half-caf soy latte and one black Summatran with a shot of fuck-off-and-die."
"She's still mad about that time with the haunted samovar," Raven says to Dean. She hands Sam his coffee, then pulls a business card out of her back pocket and hands him that, too.
"'Raven Pritchard thinks you're a cutie'?" Dean reads over his shoulder. "And is that your phone number?"
"Yep!" she chirps in reply. "I had cards made because it was easier than trying to find a pen and paper all the time." She gives Sam a beguiling smile through her pink bangs. "Keep it handy, Sam."
Sam is reduced to simply blushing in response, which makes Raven giggle.
"Raven, you're going to make the poor kid spontaneously combust," calls Faye.
Dora is back to clicking intently at the laptop. "Speaking of spontaneous combustion, you guys will not believe the fetish site I just found--"
That's when the dinosaur charges through the shop door.
Sam's brain skips from My gun's back in the car to thank God Dean has his, I wonder if .45 rounds will work on a velociraptor and then stutters to a momentary halt on wait...a velociraptor?
At that point, Raven is screaming, the dinosaur is letting loose an angry shriek that drowns her out, and Dean is emptying the .45's magazine into it. The bullets don't seem to slow it down much, but it does swing around to see who's shooting at it, which apparently gives Faye the window she needs to get in close enough to hack its head halfway off with a broadsword
The broadsword would be cause for more surprise if Sam weren't busy wondering why the velociraptor seems to be mostly made of circuit boards and cable on the inside.
The dinosaur (robot dinosaur?) collapses into a twitching heap, and Faye pokes it suspiciously with the end of the sword.
"Ya think they'll have that on the tour?" Dean quips, leaning in to get a closer look.
"Is this really the time to be quoting Jurassic Park?" Faye replies, looking annoyed.
"Hey, I'll probably never get another chance!" Dean grins. "Not every day I get to help take down a friggin' dinosaur."
"Robot dinosaur," Faye corrects. "Looks like Hannelore's dad sent her another prototype. I wonder how it got out of her apartment."
"Good thing we had the Anti-Thievery Broadsword," says Dora, coming around the counter to get a better look. "I'm going to call it Skofleifsmungen the Lizard-biter, from now on."
"Does this mean we're going to have to live through another one of your Tolkien-Inspired Nordic Death Metal phases?" sighs Faye.
"Shut up, you," replies Dora, turning back toward the counter. "You okay, over there, Raven?"
Raven looks from Dora to Sam, who just stares back because robotic dinosaur attack averted by application of broadsword is taking his brain a while to process.
"Oh my gosh, that was so scary!" Raven squeaks, wide-eyed. "I feel dizzy I thinkI'mgoingtofaint!"
Dora glances at Sam, then back at Raven. "I think he's temporarily out of order, honey. He's not gonna be catching anyone mid-swoon in the next few minutes, sorry."
Raven shrugs, huffs a sigh, and pouts. "It was worth a try." Sam realizes that he's been standing and staring with his mouth half-open ever since Faye and Dean took down the velociraptor (with a friggin' broadsword) and composes himself hurriedly.
"You okay, Sammy?" Dean's on his knees, examining an exposed section of the velociraptor's circuitry, but he pauses long enough to cast a glance over his shoulder at Sam.
"Fine," Sam replies, and then because Faye is smirking at him: "So have you killed many robotic dinosaurs with that sword?"
"This is my first," admits Faye, swinging the sword in a showy figure-eight.
"And where'd you learn to use a broadsword?"
"I had a crush on Val Kilmer in Willow."
Dora, ignoring them, turns to eye the shop's front door, which is hanging awkwardly off the top hinge. "Man, now I gotta get the door fixed, again."
"I could take a look at it for you, if you want," Dean offers, but she waves him off.
"That's okay, I got it covered. Besides, I want you outta my coffee shop: every time you show up, something catastrophic happens. At least this time I didn't have to open up shop to find everything covered in an inch of salt."
Dean grins and shrugs. "Sammy and I had better hit the road, then."
"Alright, well you gentlemen have a nice evening." Dora gives them a distracted wave as she heads toward the back of the shop. "I've gotta go call Hannelore and tell her to stop her dad from sending any more cybernetics experiments to her, or at least to ship them in sturdier crates."
"Don't forget your coffee!" calls Raven, waving goodbye. Dean waves back, snags their coffees off the counter, and shoulders Sam in the direction of the door.
Faye smiles at Sam and punches Dean in the arm as they pass, saying, "Nice to meet you, Sam! Thanks for the assist, Jackass!"
When they reach the car, Sam stops and just shakes his head for a minute.
"What?" Dean takes a slurp of his coffee before getting into the driver's seat.
Sam sinks into his seat. "A robot dinosaur."
"I know," Dean grins. "That was awesome. I love stopping there for coffee."