Stargate items
1. You know, it would have been nice if the Stargate crew included a linguistic uniformity enforcer who decided exactly how all the weird apostrophe-laden words should be pronounced and then administered beatings to cast members who repeatedly hashed said pronunciations.
2. Why is it that whenever aliens tune into Earth television, the only thing on is reports about war, rioting and murder? Don't aliens ever turn on the tube and discover cartoons? Jeapardy? "Growing Pains" reruns? On the other hand, if the message behind this sort of thing is "We should broadcast less World news and more cartoons," I'm all for that. It might also be wise to pull "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" from the air effective yesterday, because seriously, if I were an alien and that show was my first impression of humanity, I would toast Earth right then and there.
3. *points to icon*
4. Episode 1-9 "Thor's Hammer":
[INT. BALD GENERAL'S SNAZZY CONFERENCE ROOM]
DANIEL: So I spent this weekend playing "Rune: Halls of Valhalla" and I came up with a new dichotomy for the alien races out there.
BALD GENERAL: Let's hear it!
DANIEL: Okay, so we have all these aliens that pose as gods, right? But only some of them are evil and like to subjugate humans. Others are nice and bring people candy. I think the second kind are to Norse mythology as the Goa'uld are to Egyptian mythology. Also, I think the Norse god aliens are the ones that built the Stargate, in case anyone cares. And look, a picture of Thor and his hammer!
TEAL'C: This hammer symbol is familiar. It is used to represent a world where the Goa'uld and Jaffa are forbidden to go. Its name is homophonous with your Earth city Summeria's name, but it is spelled with a Ci- instead of a Su- for no apparent reason.
BALD GENERAL: Why aren't the Goa'uld allowed to go there?
TEAL'C: Because some major down was smacked on them there once, and they're still sore about it.
JACK: Cool, we should totally go there.
ME: Don't you think maybe you should give Teal'c the day off while you go, considering that Jaffa might have been forbidden to visit this planet for a reason?
JACK: Naw.
SG-1 skip merrily through the STARGATE, bearing a hostess gift.
[EXT. NORDIC FARMING COMMUNITY]
NORDIC FARMERS: Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!
GIANT HAMMER THING: Vvvvvvrrrrrooooooom!
SAM: Hm. This does not bode particularly well.
JACK: Yeah, let's go home and think about this some more.
DANIEL: But we haven't given anyone hugs or politically correct sensibilities yet!
JACK: Don't care, dial. But while you're dialing, let's stand here and let this giant whirring hammer thing shine a laser at us.
GIANT HAMMER THING: *lasers Teal'c* Alien gut worm detected! Whoop whoop whoop!
TEAL'C: Wuuuugh! *starts to keel over*
ME: I did point out that something like this would happen if you brought him, you know.
JACK: Rub it in, why don't ya? *dives for Teal'c*
GIANT HAMMER THING: Zap!
JACK and TEAL'C: *are disappeared*
SAM and DANIEL: Well, crap.
[PEOPLE approach, dressed in the cast-offs from the Rohirrim wardrobe department.]
GAIRWYN of the HOUSE of EORL: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper gods?
SAM: Yeah, well, that would be because we're not gods. Your giant hammer thingy just disappeared some friends of ours.
GAIRWYN: Pretty nifty, huh? Thor made it for us. It disappears bad guys.
SAM: Well, it made an understandable error and mistook our friend for a bad guy because he has an alien gut worm.
GAIRWYN: So wait, he has an alien gut worm, but he's not a bad guy?
SAM: Yeah, it's a long story. Do you know where they were disappeared to?
GAIRWYN: No, but I can take to someone who might! Let's go!
[INT. LABYRINTH]
AUTOMATED PHONE TREE OF THOR: There is no escape! To spend the rest of your existence in the labyrinth, press ONE. To exit the labyrinth sans alien gut worm, press TWO. To get eaten by the scary monster down the hall, press THREE.
JACK: What, no option to dial zero for an operator?
TEAL'C: You shouldn't have a problem getting out, since you have no alien gut worm. You must leave without me.
JACK: And come back later with more guys and more ordinance and get you out of here all in one piece no muss, no fuss? That's a ridiculous idea! I'm staying here.
[EXT. DR. KENDRA, MEDICINE WOMAN'S COTTAGE]
KENDRA: Hi! I'm an ex-Goa'uld Wiccan who talks to the weather!
DANIEL: Ex-Goa'uld? That's great, that means we can save my wife from the...hey, weren't you on Star Trek: Voyager? And Xena?
KENDRA: And Deep Space Nine, and Hercules. But back to why you're here?
SAM: We need you to take us wherever it is that people go when they get disappeared by the giant hammer thing. Two of our friends got disappeared because one of them is Jaffa.
KENDRA: No, I won't help you! The Jaffa are evil and the labyrinth is scary!
SAM: This Jaffa is good, actually. Pretty please take us to the labyrinth?
THUNDER: Grrrrr!
KENDRA: Fine. The weather says I have to go.
SAM: I hate this mission.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
JACK: Look, crunched up bones!
TEAL'C: They were crunched by very powerful teeth.
JACK: Cool! Since those very powerful teeth could not possibly belong to anything weird or alien that might be skulking around the labyrinth, that means a wild animal got in here, which means we can get out!
[EXT. DR. KENDRA, MEDICINE WOMAN'S COTTAGE]
KENDRA: Before we can go, we have to sit in the circle and wait for some more thunder.
DANIEL: Excellent, this will give me a chance to ask you questions about your former life as a Goa'uld host!
KENDRA: And I can explain how I managed to stop being a Goa'uld host!
DANIEL: Poor me, I miss my wife.
SAM: Poor me, I am surrounded by crazy people.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarr, I am Unas, the monstrous offspring on a crocodile and James Earl Jones!
TEAL'C: You do not exist.
UNAS: On the contrary! Rarr!
JACK: *shoots dead* Ookay, what was that all about?
TEAL'C: Unas is said to be the first host. It is a legend.
JACK: Well, it's a dead legend, now. I mean unless you think we should go make sure it doesn't come undead, or anything?
TEAL'C: Unas was said to have regenerative powers. But that is only in myths.
JACK: Oh, well, we should be fine, then, since myths never turn out to be based on an element of truth on this show.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
[EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE]
DANIEL: We're lost, huh?
KENDRA: I have no memory of this place.
DANIEL: Well, sit and have a heart-warming chat with me while you remember.
KENDRA: Oh, got it, this way!
DANIEL: You remembered?
KENDRA: No, but the air smells less foul down here...I mean yes.
SAM: Oy.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarrr!
JACK and TEAL'C: Darn myths. *run like whoa*
[EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE]
SAM: Dude, this is a huge waste of time, she's not leading us anywhere!
DANIEL: Sure she is, I have a fuzzy feeling about it!
SAM: Have I mentioned how much I hate this mission?
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarr, your weapons are useless against me! I know the labyrinth, I could show you the way out! Join with me, and together we will bring order to the galaxy!
JACK: Whatever. *shoots dead again*
[EXT. ENTRANCE TO LABYRINTH]
KENDRA: Here we are! I'd love to ditch you here, but the weather says I should go in with you. Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world.
DANIEL: You really don't have to come if you're scared.
KENDRA: No, gotta do what the weather says.
[INT. ANTI-GOA'ULD LABYRINTH EXIT]
JACK: Let's go, before the balrog the myth catches up with us!
TEAL'C: *walks through doorway, is transfixed by orange laser o' pain*
JACK: *rescues* Well, that may present a problem.
UNAS: Rarr! I will now monologue at length, giving you ample time to set up the age-old "trick enemy into charging headlong into vat of molten metal or similar" scenario.
JACK: Much obliged. You can charge at us, now.
UNAS: *does so*
JACK and TEAL'C: Surprise sidestep!
UNAS: *barrels into orange laser o' pain*
[INT. JUST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR]
SAM: I hear gunfire and monster roars! Why can't we get this door to open?
KENDRA: No good reason, plotwise, but let me just do a hippy chant, that should open it up.
[INT. ANTI-GOA'ULD LABYRINTH EXIT]
UNAS: *is dead*
KENDRA: Yay, you really do have a good Jaffa!
DANIEL: Thor's hammer really does work! We could use it on my wife!
JACK: No, we have to blow it up so that Teal'c can leave.
CARTER: Bummer.
ME: We couldn't just go get some dynamite and blow a hole in the wall a few feet to the left of the anti-Goa'uld laser doorway?
JACK: No. And just to make this as difficult for Daniel as possible, we'll make him be the one who blows up the laser thingy.
DANIEL: Why are you guys always so mean to me? All I want is my wife back and for everyone to hug each other!
CARTER: Get used to it, next episode we're going to make you abandon what will probably be your only chance ever to discover the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.
DANIEL: Well, at least we know that somewhere out there someone has anti-Goa'uld lasers we could use if we ever find my wife.
KENDRA: *gives Daniel rune rock* Here's my number, just in case that doesn't work out. Give me a call sometime!
[END CREDITS]
2. Why is it that whenever aliens tune into Earth television, the only thing on is reports about war, rioting and murder? Don't aliens ever turn on the tube and discover cartoons? Jeapardy? "Growing Pains" reruns? On the other hand, if the message behind this sort of thing is "We should broadcast less World news and more cartoons," I'm all for that. It might also be wise to pull "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" from the air effective yesterday, because seriously, if I were an alien and that show was my first impression of humanity, I would toast Earth right then and there.
3. *points to icon*
4. Episode 1-9 "Thor's Hammer":
[INT. BALD GENERAL'S SNAZZY CONFERENCE ROOM]
DANIEL: So I spent this weekend playing "Rune: Halls of Valhalla" and I came up with a new dichotomy for the alien races out there.
BALD GENERAL: Let's hear it!
DANIEL: Okay, so we have all these aliens that pose as gods, right? But only some of them are evil and like to subjugate humans. Others are nice and bring people candy. I think the second kind are to Norse mythology as the Goa'uld are to Egyptian mythology. Also, I think the Norse god aliens are the ones that built the Stargate, in case anyone cares. And look, a picture of Thor and his hammer!
TEAL'C: This hammer symbol is familiar. It is used to represent a world where the Goa'uld and Jaffa are forbidden to go. Its name is homophonous with your Earth city Summeria's name, but it is spelled with a Ci- instead of a Su- for no apparent reason.
BALD GENERAL: Why aren't the Goa'uld allowed to go there?
TEAL'C: Because some major down was smacked on them there once, and they're still sore about it.
JACK: Cool, we should totally go there.
ME: Don't you think maybe you should give Teal'c the day off while you go, considering that Jaffa might have been forbidden to visit this planet for a reason?
JACK: Naw.
SG-1 skip merrily through the STARGATE, bearing a hostess gift.
[EXT. NORDIC FARMING COMMUNITY]
NORDIC FARMERS: Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!
GIANT HAMMER THING: Vvvvvvrrrrrooooooom!
SAM: Hm. This does not bode particularly well.
JACK: Yeah, let's go home and think about this some more.
DANIEL: But we haven't given anyone hugs or politically correct sensibilities yet!
JACK: Don't care, dial. But while you're dialing, let's stand here and let this giant whirring hammer thing shine a laser at us.
GIANT HAMMER THING: *lasers Teal'c* Alien gut worm detected! Whoop whoop whoop!
TEAL'C: Wuuuugh! *starts to keel over*
ME: I did point out that something like this would happen if you brought him, you know.
JACK: Rub it in, why don't ya? *dives for Teal'c*
GIANT HAMMER THING: Zap!
JACK and TEAL'C: *are disappeared*
SAM and DANIEL: Well, crap.
[PEOPLE approach, dressed in the cast-offs from the Rohirrim wardrobe department.]
GAIRWYN of the HOUSE of EORL: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper gods?
SAM: Yeah, well, that would be because we're not gods. Your giant hammer thingy just disappeared some friends of ours.
GAIRWYN: Pretty nifty, huh? Thor made it for us. It disappears bad guys.
SAM: Well, it made an understandable error and mistook our friend for a bad guy because he has an alien gut worm.
GAIRWYN: So wait, he has an alien gut worm, but he's not a bad guy?
SAM: Yeah, it's a long story. Do you know where they were disappeared to?
GAIRWYN: No, but I can take to someone who might! Let's go!
[INT. LABYRINTH]
AUTOMATED PHONE TREE OF THOR: There is no escape! To spend the rest of your existence in the labyrinth, press ONE. To exit the labyrinth sans alien gut worm, press TWO. To get eaten by the scary monster down the hall, press THREE.
JACK: What, no option to dial zero for an operator?
TEAL'C: You shouldn't have a problem getting out, since you have no alien gut worm. You must leave without me.
JACK: And come back later with more guys and more ordinance and get you out of here all in one piece no muss, no fuss? That's a ridiculous idea! I'm staying here.
[EXT. DR. KENDRA, MEDICINE WOMAN'S COTTAGE]
KENDRA: Hi! I'm an ex-Goa'uld Wiccan who talks to the weather!
DANIEL: Ex-Goa'uld? That's great, that means we can save my wife from the...hey, weren't you on Star Trek: Voyager? And Xena?
KENDRA: And Deep Space Nine, and Hercules. But back to why you're here?
SAM: We need you to take us wherever it is that people go when they get disappeared by the giant hammer thing. Two of our friends got disappeared because one of them is Jaffa.
KENDRA: No, I won't help you! The Jaffa are evil and the labyrinth is scary!
SAM: This Jaffa is good, actually. Pretty please take us to the labyrinth?
THUNDER: Grrrrr!
KENDRA: Fine. The weather says I have to go.
SAM: I hate this mission.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
JACK: Look, crunched up bones!
TEAL'C: They were crunched by very powerful teeth.
JACK: Cool! Since those very powerful teeth could not possibly belong to anything weird or alien that might be skulking around the labyrinth, that means a wild animal got in here, which means we can get out!
[EXT. DR. KENDRA, MEDICINE WOMAN'S COTTAGE]
KENDRA: Before we can go, we have to sit in the circle and wait for some more thunder.
DANIEL: Excellent, this will give me a chance to ask you questions about your former life as a Goa'uld host!
KENDRA: And I can explain how I managed to stop being a Goa'uld host!
DANIEL: Poor me, I miss my wife.
SAM: Poor me, I am surrounded by crazy people.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarr, I am Unas, the monstrous offspring on a crocodile and James Earl Jones!
TEAL'C: You do not exist.
UNAS: On the contrary! Rarr!
JACK: *shoots dead* Ookay, what was that all about?
TEAL'C: Unas is said to be the first host. It is a legend.
JACK: Well, it's a dead legend, now. I mean unless you think we should go make sure it doesn't come undead, or anything?
TEAL'C: Unas was said to have regenerative powers. But that is only in myths.
JACK: Oh, well, we should be fine, then, since myths never turn out to be based on an element of truth on this show.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
[EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE]
DANIEL: We're lost, huh?
KENDRA: I have no memory of this place.
DANIEL: Well, sit and have a heart-warming chat with me while you remember.
KENDRA: Oh, got it, this way!
DANIEL: You remembered?
KENDRA: No, but the air smells less foul down here...I mean yes.
SAM: Oy.
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarrr!
JACK and TEAL'C: Darn myths. *run like whoa*
[EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE]
SAM: Dude, this is a huge waste of time, she's not leading us anywhere!
DANIEL: Sure she is, I have a fuzzy feeling about it!
SAM: Have I mentioned how much I hate this mission?
[INT. LABYRINTH]
UNAS: Rarr, your weapons are useless against me! I know the labyrinth, I could show you the way out! Join with me, and together we will bring order to the galaxy!
JACK: Whatever. *shoots dead again*
[EXT. ENTRANCE TO LABYRINTH]
KENDRA: Here we are! I'd love to ditch you here, but the weather says I should go in with you. Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world.
DANIEL: You really don't have to come if you're scared.
KENDRA: No, gotta do what the weather says.
[INT. ANTI-GOA'ULD LABYRINTH EXIT]
JACK: Let's go, before the balrog the myth catches up with us!
TEAL'C: *walks through doorway, is transfixed by orange laser o' pain*
JACK: *rescues* Well, that may present a problem.
UNAS: Rarr! I will now monologue at length, giving you ample time to set up the age-old "trick enemy into charging headlong into vat of molten metal or similar" scenario.
JACK: Much obliged. You can charge at us, now.
UNAS: *does so*
JACK and TEAL'C: Surprise sidestep!
UNAS: *barrels into orange laser o' pain*
[INT. JUST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR]
SAM: I hear gunfire and monster roars! Why can't we get this door to open?
KENDRA: No good reason, plotwise, but let me just do a hippy chant, that should open it up.
[INT. ANTI-GOA'ULD LABYRINTH EXIT]
UNAS: *is dead*
KENDRA: Yay, you really do have a good Jaffa!
DANIEL: Thor's hammer really does work! We could use it on my wife!
JACK: No, we have to blow it up so that Teal'c can leave.
CARTER: Bummer.
ME: We couldn't just go get some dynamite and blow a hole in the wall a few feet to the left of the anti-Goa'uld laser doorway?
JACK: No. And just to make this as difficult for Daniel as possible, we'll make him be the one who blows up the laser thingy.
DANIEL: Why are you guys always so mean to me? All I want is my wife back and for everyone to hug each other!
CARTER: Get used to it, next episode we're going to make you abandon what will probably be your only chance ever to discover the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.
DANIEL: Well, at least we know that somewhere out there someone has anti-Goa'uld lasers we could use if we ever find my wife.
KENDRA: *gives Daniel rune rock* Here's my number, just in case that doesn't work out. Give me a call sometime!
[END CREDITS]