Awakenings
Mothering has been the main focal point for my passions for quite some time.. I babywear, co sleep, breastfeed, attachment parent, etc..I advocate for these things, have moms groups/ attend moms groups devoted to these things, and frankly I live, breathe, and eat motherhood. I adore being a mom, it is my purpose in life.
I have that David Bowie song "Five Years" stuck in my head.. That's how long I have according to my own doomsday report. I have been struggling with the fact that as much as I missed my Deja vu, it coming back has made me unsettlingly aware of just how little time 5 years actual is. Now don't get me wrong I do believe you can change your destiny and even vere off your course and cut your own path..However some things may be what causes great change in other things.
In 5 years I am predicted to die of breast cancer... I have a son and a daughter appx 2 years apart and the last thing I remember is them at the foot of my hospital bed. Now I have been toying with the idea that maybe I just picked up on my husband's life and what happened to him, but more and more links these visions back to myself.
What is our purpose.. what is my purpose? Was I supposed to be more than what I am now.. I wanted to touch people, heal people, guide.. I don't know if I have done that. If I die would anyone really know me... know what I tried to do here.. know that I tried create peace here and live for the moment..
After my pregnancy I am going to get checked for cancer and if I do have breast cancer I will honestly fight it to the best of my ability.. I can change the future no matter how bleak.. but it seems the closer the date comes the less and less comfortable I am with my own mortality.
My husband gets so worked up because I take so many pictures of everything.. and ask him to take pictures of me and our children together.. but it's because I want my kids to have some records of me.. something to say there is mama's voice.. I guess what I want is what my husband doesn't have. I'm even crying as I write this because I really would love to grow old , but part of me has always kindof known that I wouldn't..
So... I'm here..and I really want my life to matter...I don't want to be a whisper.. or go quietly into that dark slumber.. I want to change something here..
I really don't know what I wanted to focus on.. how maybe my passions are misplaced, how I should figure out who I am again, or how I should just shut up and live..
Just writing what I can't seem to say to anybody...
I have that David Bowie song "Five Years" stuck in my head.. That's how long I have according to my own doomsday report. I have been struggling with the fact that as much as I missed my Deja vu, it coming back has made me unsettlingly aware of just how little time 5 years actual is. Now don't get me wrong I do believe you can change your destiny and even vere off your course and cut your own path..However some things may be what causes great change in other things.
In 5 years I am predicted to die of breast cancer... I have a son and a daughter appx 2 years apart and the last thing I remember is them at the foot of my hospital bed. Now I have been toying with the idea that maybe I just picked up on my husband's life and what happened to him, but more and more links these visions back to myself.
What is our purpose.. what is my purpose? Was I supposed to be more than what I am now.. I wanted to touch people, heal people, guide.. I don't know if I have done that. If I die would anyone really know me... know what I tried to do here.. know that I tried create peace here and live for the moment..
After my pregnancy I am going to get checked for cancer and if I do have breast cancer I will honestly fight it to the best of my ability.. I can change the future no matter how bleak.. but it seems the closer the date comes the less and less comfortable I am with my own mortality.
My husband gets so worked up because I take so many pictures of everything.. and ask him to take pictures of me and our children together.. but it's because I want my kids to have some records of me.. something to say there is mama's voice.. I guess what I want is what my husband doesn't have. I'm even crying as I write this because I really would love to grow old , but part of me has always kindof known that I wouldn't..
So... I'm here..and I really want my life to matter...I don't want to be a whisper.. or go quietly into that dark slumber.. I want to change something here..
I really don't know what I wanted to focus on.. how maybe my passions are misplaced, how I should figure out who I am again, or how I should just shut up and live..
Just writing what I can't seem to say to anybody...