Shame isn't healthy.
I've already said waaaay to much about the imbroglio over at noscans_daily and I'm sure there are people who think I've splooged and splooged hard (veritable geysers of splooge), but I'm still feeling a little shaky.
I didn't realize how much this got to me until I woke up this morning and realized that I've literally had a knot in my stomach since Friday afternoon and the adrenalin surge isn't anywhere near abating. I didn't expect the Mein Kampf and swastika stuff to get to me the way that it did (the unicorn comments and racefail was bad enough), but by Friday night I was literally shaking in rage and today I'm in tears.
I've gotten to the point where I can often X out the window when people self-Godwin and/or exhibit some serious blindness to cultural sensitivity when it comes to Jews and PoC, but damn, this one really unexpectedly hit me in the gut. I know that skalja dislikes me from fandom-related stuff from five years ago (when I was a total failmod in an RP community that she was part of), and I'm fairly certain that I saw her participate in a discussion elsewhere on LJ that dismissed my identifying as a Jew as disingenuous/faddish/bullshit/crazy because I also identify as a novice Buddhist (and these two are apparently exclusionary; who knew?), so it was like having old wounds ripped open and doused in nitric acid. Yeah, I get that there's a set of people on LJ that still carry serious grudges against me for RP-related stuff from five years ago and that they'll take cheap shots at any and all aspects of my personal life and cultural/spiritual identity, and I'll admit, that feels bad to see when I get linked to it. It's like having old wounds ripped open and doused in nitric acid.
So that coupled with what the mods did over on NS_D? It feels awful.
Jews, just like EVERYONE ELSE, come in all varieties when it comes to thickness of skin, ability to deal with bigotry and racism, and ability to laugh something off. Like all other people, on any given day I can go from laughing off crazy bigotry and feel like I have a relatively thick skin to being extremely raw about it.
Sorry to spew this all over my journal AGAIN. I just...man, I feel embarrassed for being hurt by this, I keep expecting people to start screaming about me being an oversensitive Jew or accuse me of being wanky, and that's definitely not healthy either. I've also been told that I'm a rage junkie/outrage junkie, and to hear that when it comes to situations where race and bigotry and sexism and homophobia/transphobia are concerned also hurts.
It's so painful to feel like no one has your back, even if you intellectually know that people do have your back.
Man, there have been times when I've been wanky as hell on S_D 1.0. But I'm not in a place right now where I feel like I should feel ashamed for tl;dring about what happened over on noscans_daily over the last three days. Yet I do feel dirty, fearful, and ashamed.
There's also the blatant favoritism thing by some of the mods on the S_D comms when it comes to unofficial reminders and warnings. That galls me, and I wish it didn't. I think it galls me because I've been guilty of doing it in the past, and I've really tried to work hard to not do that anymore in the communities that I mod. So watching favoritism in action and watching people bask in the privilege of being favorites is nauseating. That's a sore spot for me online period; I'll totally cop to that.
Time to back away. I don't have any easy answers, but I am feeling so gutted by this whole thing, and even more gutted that people like jazzypom feel they have to step away from certain corners of fandom.
I am not in a good place right now. At all. I have TONS of white privilege, and what happened hurt me. I can only imagine how all the PoC who were hurt by this are feeling.
Spam me with fun stuff, people. I need it.
Can I also get a roll call? There are lots of people I haven't heard from in a while; are y'all out there? I miss you.
Actually, since I'm throwing a pity party, *I'll* post some stuff that amuses me:
Thank you, the_croupier:
This is TOTALLY me:
OliverQueen!kitty:
Since I was on about Capoeira yesterday, here's something that I think I meant to post way back in 2007 (how lame am I?) - it's an awesome little two-minute arty piece with two capoeiristas sparring, and the music is GLORIOUS:
(I just ignore the bits at the beginning and the end that look like a Coca Cola commercial.)
From The Incredible Hercules #129, look who just hit the jackpot at the slot machines in the underworld:
JACK OF HEARTS, INTERGALACTIC SPACE PIMP, POET, AND COSMIC AVENGER. BULLSHIT CANON!SUICIDE MAY BE NULL AND VOID!
God, I hope Marvel brings him back to life. Ooooh, Jack, I miss you so.
Edit: WOW. stubbleupdate just resigned as mod from noscans_daily. Out of all the mods who reacted to the racefail? His actions were the least offensive to me (and I was pretty offended by what all three mods did and didn't do). That's too bad. We don't particularly like each other, but at least he didn't approach skalja and schmevil levels of fail, and I admired him for 1) creating the NS_D comm and 2) for dealing with lots of shit on same.
He's still calling racefail "wank," though, so he needs a clue by four.
Edit Secondus: Via ithiliana: George Tiller, one of the few providers of late-term abortions still practicing in the United States, was shot and killed this morning. He was shot while he was in church.
RAGE.
I didn't realize how much this got to me until I woke up this morning and realized that I've literally had a knot in my stomach since Friday afternoon and the adrenalin surge isn't anywhere near abating. I didn't expect the Mein Kampf and swastika stuff to get to me the way that it did (the unicorn comments and racefail was bad enough), but by Friday night I was literally shaking in rage and today I'm in tears.
I've gotten to the point where I can often X out the window when people self-Godwin and/or exhibit some serious blindness to cultural sensitivity when it comes to Jews and PoC, but damn, this one really unexpectedly hit me in the gut. I know that skalja dislikes me from fandom-related stuff from five years ago (when I was a total failmod in an RP community that she was part of), and I'm fairly certain that I saw her participate in a discussion elsewhere on LJ that dismissed my identifying as a Jew as disingenuous/faddish/bullshit/crazy because I also identify as a novice Buddhist (and these two are apparently exclusionary; who knew?), so it was like having old wounds ripped open and doused in nitric acid. Yeah, I get that there's a set of people on LJ that still carry serious grudges against me for RP-related stuff from five years ago and that they'll take cheap shots at any and all aspects of my personal life and cultural/spiritual identity, and I'll admit, that feels bad to see when I get linked to it. It's like having old wounds ripped open and doused in nitric acid.
So that coupled with what the mods did over on NS_D? It feels awful.
Jews, just like EVERYONE ELSE, come in all varieties when it comes to thickness of skin, ability to deal with bigotry and racism, and ability to laugh something off. Like all other people, on any given day I can go from laughing off crazy bigotry and feel like I have a relatively thick skin to being extremely raw about it.
Sorry to spew this all over my journal AGAIN. I just...man, I feel embarrassed for being hurt by this, I keep expecting people to start screaming about me being an oversensitive Jew or accuse me of being wanky, and that's definitely not healthy either. I've also been told that I'm a rage junkie/outrage junkie, and to hear that when it comes to situations where race and bigotry and sexism and homophobia/transphobia are concerned also hurts.
It's so painful to feel like no one has your back, even if you intellectually know that people do have your back.
Man, there have been times when I've been wanky as hell on S_D 1.0. But I'm not in a place right now where I feel like I should feel ashamed for tl;dring about what happened over on noscans_daily over the last three days. Yet I do feel dirty, fearful, and ashamed.
There's also the blatant favoritism thing by some of the mods on the S_D comms when it comes to unofficial reminders and warnings. That galls me, and I wish it didn't. I think it galls me because I've been guilty of doing it in the past, and I've really tried to work hard to not do that anymore in the communities that I mod. So watching favoritism in action and watching people bask in the privilege of being favorites is nauseating. That's a sore spot for me online period; I'll totally cop to that.
Time to back away. I don't have any easy answers, but I am feeling so gutted by this whole thing, and even more gutted that people like jazzypom feel they have to step away from certain corners of fandom.
I am not in a good place right now. At all. I have TONS of white privilege, and what happened hurt me. I can only imagine how all the PoC who were hurt by this are feeling.
Spam me with fun stuff, people. I need it.
Can I also get a roll call? There are lots of people I haven't heard from in a while; are y'all out there? I miss you.
Actually, since I'm throwing a pity party, *I'll* post some stuff that amuses me:
Thank you, the_croupier:
This is TOTALLY me:
OliverQueen!kitty:
Since I was on about Capoeira yesterday, here's something that I think I meant to post way back in 2007 (how lame am I?) - it's an awesome little two-minute arty piece with two capoeiristas sparring, and the music is GLORIOUS:
Click to view(I just ignore the bits at the beginning and the end that look like a Coca Cola commercial.)
From The Incredible Hercules #129, look who just hit the jackpot at the slot machines in the underworld:
JACK OF HEARTS, INTERGALACTIC SPACE PIMP, POET, AND COSMIC AVENGER. BULLSHIT CANON!SUICIDE MAY BE NULL AND VOID!
God, I hope Marvel brings him back to life. Ooooh, Jack, I miss you so.
Edit: WOW. stubbleupdate just resigned as mod from noscans_daily. Out of all the mods who reacted to the racefail? His actions were the least offensive to me (and I was pretty offended by what all three mods did and didn't do). That's too bad. We don't particularly like each other, but at least he didn't approach skalja and schmevil levels of fail, and I admired him for 1) creating the NS_D comm and 2) for dealing with lots of shit on same.
He's still calling racefail "wank," though, so he needs a clue by four.
Edit Secondus: Via ithiliana: George Tiller, one of the few providers of late-term abortions still practicing in the United States, was shot and killed this morning. He was shot while he was in church.
RAGE.