post-miscarriage
This may be TMI for some...you might want to skip the first two paragraphs!
So I got my period back yesterday, a little over a month since my miscarriage. It will be another cycle before I try again, now. I feel like I don't want to think about this, like I wish I could just be impregnated in my sleep or something. I don't want to guess/think about when a baby would be due if it takes, I don't want to talk to people about it, I don't want to take pregnancy tests, I just want to have it happen but push it out of my mind, not even be aware of anything. I definitely feel different this time.
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The first time, or rather, the first two times (all there was!) waiting to take the test was killing me, and I was on the lookout for every symptom. The first time I was realistic about the odds yet still naively hoping it would work; I swear I had every symptom that Julie, Lara and Carina told me they had, which they all told me they experienced, too (ie, you'll really believe you're having symptoms even if you're not pregnant). I thought I had ALL the symptoms, and I wasn't pregnant. So...huh. The second time I was all, "nope, this isn't going to work" yet on the Friday, one week after IUI, I was preparing to go for a run and I texted Carina, "This is really strange...my boobs feel like they're full of crushed glass" and they continued to feel that way for like 5K of my run; usually running makes me forget any discomfort but it did NOT this time. That should've been my first hint I was pregnant, but since it wasn't something my friends had experienced, I didn't think it was (?!) The next three days I felt short of breath while lying down on the couch of all things, which was totally weird, but I didn't think it was a pregnancy symptom because again...I wasn't expecting it. Lara had heartburn with E1 and E2, and Carina was gagging on her toothbrush with all three of her pregnancies (one was a m/c too), so I was expecting those sorts of things, for some reason. Umm...duh, right? Monday was Easter Monday, and I took a pg test and it had the world's faintest pink line, it was so faint I thought I must be going crazy to actually see it...maybe I just wanted to see it? I was only 10dpo. But, I took it upstairs to show Joyce, she snatched it out of my hands held it up to the window and her 75-years-old eyes could see it too! I still didn't believe it, though...maybe we were both just crazy hopeful females?! I took a few more tests the next few days (dollar store tests for the WIN) and I kept getting faint and then light pink lines, and I STILL thought, "No, it can't be". And let me tell you, those were the longest days of my life. I started to feel mildy nauseous if I didn't eat and I still wasn't sure. Carina said, "A line is a line! YOU ARE PREGNANT, my friend!" Lara said, "You are soooooo pregnant!!!" and those things made me happy, but I was still in denial, it's hard to explain. After a darker pink line, a plus sign on a Clearblue, and finally a "Pregnant: 1-2 weeks" on a Clearblue digitial 14dpo I texted Lara, "I think...I'm really pregnant?" She replied, "OMG STOP PEEING ON STICKS, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!!" I just started laughing then, and for the first time it felt real. I calculated the due date, I looked out at the garden I'd ironically just planted the day after IUI, saw the little shoots coming up, and it just felt so surreal and miraculous at the same time, like...it had really worked! Why was I so surprised?!
For the short time I was pregnant, it was really amazing. However, my hcg soon stopped doubling, and I prepared myself for the worst. I had an ultrasound, and it was so small, it looked like...a wart. The doctor said, "It's not over 'til it's over" but I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work this time, since not-doubling hcg is not a good sign. I was strangely accepting, though. I was just still so glad I got pregnant so easily, you know? Early m/c's are common and I'm no different from anyone else. Better luck next time?? My hcg slowed ridiculously, and I waited for a few weeks knowing that the m/c was inevitable, but it just wasn't happening. We had games night at Erica's shortly after my u/s and I declined the unusual-looking beer; surely it wouldn't have made a freakin' difference at that point but the thought of drowning a dying embryo in alcohol depressed me so much. In fact, that whole night was very odd; only Erica knew I was pregnant and on the verge of m/c and while the games night was actually fun, what I was going through would keep occuring to me and it just felt so lonely_. It was hard to focus on the fun. That weekend, I actually felt a little sad about the whole thing. Pregnancy fail! I did snap out of it pretty quick, though. I really was happy I had simply gotten pregnant; I knew this was just part of the journey. Gravida 1, para 0...but at least I now had that! So I think that's why by the time May 9th came around, I was okay.
So now I wait, and I'm not sure how to feel this time. I know I feel more guarded. Like I said, I wish even *I* wouldn't know what's going on. I'm glad I took the pg tests the first two times, because I've never done this before. Now though, it's *quite* apparent to me that a positive pregnancy test is no guarantee of anything other than "you got pregnant", so now I've BTDT, but I almost don't even want to know the next time, if that makes sense. I feel superstitious and weird at this point. It feels like if I talk about it, I WILL miscarry. In addition, going by statistics, it should take a few more tries to happen again, maybe I was just lucky it happened so quickly the first time?? Who knows? I am an open book, a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but something inside me feels damped down a little now.
The thing about getting pregnant the normal way, even if you tell people, "Bob and I really want kids, we're trying!" you can still keep it on the down low. You can say that, and actually BE pregnant, and people won't know. With IUI it's different... It's a medical procedure. One shot, and two weeks later you either are pregnant or you're not, it's exact. At the very least, all the other nurses at work will know because I have to leave work for the IUI appointment! And that's okay, I trust them and they're awesome, but it's still something I can't really hide. They're also super-excited for me and WANT to know how things are going, they aren't going to forget what's going on. I mean, I suppose I could lie and say I was going to the dentist or something, but first of all that's just not me and second it's dumb...unless it's a time-sensitive appointment, I'm not going to leave work for it! Julie and Lara have never had miscarriages so they're all, "what's your hcg? when will you get your period back? When can you try again?" Erica has never even been pregnant, so she's got all the questions! Carina, having had a surprise pregnancy (after her two) and then a m/c, she gets it. Alicia is on the island, Gillian is in England...my brothers aren't pestering me about it. Nana knows and she will politely NOT say anything, that's her way (she had a m/c at 8 months, FWIW, she was carrying a boy after my mother, but there was the Rh factor problem and the fetus died...I know that, but she's never spoken about it). And Joyce...she's going to be the hardest if I don't want to talk about it. She's awesome but she's not getting it, ie "Okay, we won't talk about it! Just tell me when you go in and if you get pregnant!" Aaaargh... And yet, she has been my biggest supporter in this, from DAY ONE, so not telling her feels just like a total jerk move and something she wouldn't understand, even if it's only superstiton on my part. "What if I keep telling Joyce I'm pregnant and then I keep miscarrying?!" is a ridiculous worry, but it's there. And then she's all, "That baby will come at the right time, you just need to wait, I KNOW it will be at the right time and it will be the right one for you, and you'll be a wonderful mother to that baby..." etc etc, counseling me and reassuring me, and it's all this amazingly supportive stuff but I just wish she'd just STOP, and then I feel awful for feeling that way because I am SO lucky that my freaking not-quite-STEPMOTHER is so incredibly supportive. Sigh. And THEN, the ridiculous dark worries set in, like, "Well, what if I'm worrying about nothing, because I never actually get pregnant again in my whole life??!!!!!" Yeah this is why I don't want to think of this AT ALL. *headdesk* And assuming I get through all this, let's not even get to the amnio and all that. This could be quite the lengthy journey, I know.
Can you tell I used to have an interesting life, but now that I'm on the mommy track I'm going to be a total bore the next few years on LJ, anyone?!
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In any case, I have baby boy clothes in a drawer and a journal/baby book with a paper "N" with an "E" behind it on the cover (because I haven't quite decided on a girl's name yet) in the drawer with it. The girls clothes are downstairs, since I have so much more, so that seemed like a reasonable solution at this point. I've taken measurements of the bedroom and I continue to do so, to figure out what's I'm going to need to toss and what will fit. A mini-crib sounds quite enticing, but if there's one thing my kid will be it will be LONG, so maybe I need to rethink that idea. This stuff I can do and still talk about, probably because it feels real but not as real as actually getting pregnant, if that makes any sense.
So I got my period back yesterday, a little over a month since my miscarriage. It will be another cycle before I try again, now. I feel like I don't want to think about this, like I wish I could just be impregnated in my sleep or something. I don't want to guess/think about when a baby would be due if it takes, I don't want to talk to people about it, I don't want to take pregnancy tests, I just want to have it happen but push it out of my mind, not even be aware of anything. I definitely feel different this time.
********
The first time, or rather, the first two times (all there was!) waiting to take the test was killing me, and I was on the lookout for every symptom. The first time I was realistic about the odds yet still naively hoping it would work; I swear I had every symptom that Julie, Lara and Carina told me they had, which they all told me they experienced, too (ie, you'll really believe you're having symptoms even if you're not pregnant). I thought I had ALL the symptoms, and I wasn't pregnant. So...huh. The second time I was all, "nope, this isn't going to work" yet on the Friday, one week after IUI, I was preparing to go for a run and I texted Carina, "This is really strange...my boobs feel like they're full of crushed glass" and they continued to feel that way for like 5K of my run; usually running makes me forget any discomfort but it did NOT this time. That should've been my first hint I was pregnant, but since it wasn't something my friends had experienced, I didn't think it was (?!) The next three days I felt short of breath while lying down on the couch of all things, which was totally weird, but I didn't think it was a pregnancy symptom because again...I wasn't expecting it. Lara had heartburn with E1 and E2, and Carina was gagging on her toothbrush with all three of her pregnancies (one was a m/c too), so I was expecting those sorts of things, for some reason. Umm...duh, right? Monday was Easter Monday, and I took a pg test and it had the world's faintest pink line, it was so faint I thought I must be going crazy to actually see it...maybe I just wanted to see it? I was only 10dpo. But, I took it upstairs to show Joyce, she snatched it out of my hands held it up to the window and her 75-years-old eyes could see it too! I still didn't believe it, though...maybe we were both just crazy hopeful females?! I took a few more tests the next few days (dollar store tests for the WIN) and I kept getting faint and then light pink lines, and I STILL thought, "No, it can't be". And let me tell you, those were the longest days of my life. I started to feel mildy nauseous if I didn't eat and I still wasn't sure. Carina said, "A line is a line! YOU ARE PREGNANT, my friend!" Lara said, "You are soooooo pregnant!!!" and those things made me happy, but I was still in denial, it's hard to explain. After a darker pink line, a plus sign on a Clearblue, and finally a "Pregnant: 1-2 weeks" on a Clearblue digitial 14dpo I texted Lara, "I think...I'm really pregnant?" She replied, "OMG STOP PEEING ON STICKS, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!!" I just started laughing then, and for the first time it felt real. I calculated the due date, I looked out at the garden I'd ironically just planted the day after IUI, saw the little shoots coming up, and it just felt so surreal and miraculous at the same time, like...it had really worked! Why was I so surprised?!
For the short time I was pregnant, it was really amazing. However, my hcg soon stopped doubling, and I prepared myself for the worst. I had an ultrasound, and it was so small, it looked like...a wart. The doctor said, "It's not over 'til it's over" but I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work this time, since not-doubling hcg is not a good sign. I was strangely accepting, though. I was just still so glad I got pregnant so easily, you know? Early m/c's are common and I'm no different from anyone else. Better luck next time?? My hcg slowed ridiculously, and I waited for a few weeks knowing that the m/c was inevitable, but it just wasn't happening. We had games night at Erica's shortly after my u/s and I declined the unusual-looking beer; surely it wouldn't have made a freakin' difference at that point but the thought of drowning a dying embryo in alcohol depressed me so much. In fact, that whole night was very odd; only Erica knew I was pregnant and on the verge of m/c and while the games night was actually fun, what I was going through would keep occuring to me and it just felt so lonely_. It was hard to focus on the fun. That weekend, I actually felt a little sad about the whole thing. Pregnancy fail! I did snap out of it pretty quick, though. I really was happy I had simply gotten pregnant; I knew this was just part of the journey. Gravida 1, para 0...but at least I now had that! So I think that's why by the time May 9th came around, I was okay.
So now I wait, and I'm not sure how to feel this time. I know I feel more guarded. Like I said, I wish even *I* wouldn't know what's going on. I'm glad I took the pg tests the first two times, because I've never done this before. Now though, it's *quite* apparent to me that a positive pregnancy test is no guarantee of anything other than "you got pregnant", so now I've BTDT, but I almost don't even want to know the next time, if that makes sense. I feel superstitious and weird at this point. It feels like if I talk about it, I WILL miscarry. In addition, going by statistics, it should take a few more tries to happen again, maybe I was just lucky it happened so quickly the first time?? Who knows? I am an open book, a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but something inside me feels damped down a little now.
The thing about getting pregnant the normal way, even if you tell people, "Bob and I really want kids, we're trying!" you can still keep it on the down low. You can say that, and actually BE pregnant, and people won't know. With IUI it's different... It's a medical procedure. One shot, and two weeks later you either are pregnant or you're not, it's exact. At the very least, all the other nurses at work will know because I have to leave work for the IUI appointment! And that's okay, I trust them and they're awesome, but it's still something I can't really hide. They're also super-excited for me and WANT to know how things are going, they aren't going to forget what's going on. I mean, I suppose I could lie and say I was going to the dentist or something, but first of all that's just not me and second it's dumb...unless it's a time-sensitive appointment, I'm not going to leave work for it! Julie and Lara have never had miscarriages so they're all, "what's your hcg? when will you get your period back? When can you try again?" Erica has never even been pregnant, so she's got all the questions! Carina, having had a surprise pregnancy (after her two) and then a m/c, she gets it. Alicia is on the island, Gillian is in England...my brothers aren't pestering me about it. Nana knows and she will politely NOT say anything, that's her way (she had a m/c at 8 months, FWIW, she was carrying a boy after my mother, but there was the Rh factor problem and the fetus died...I know that, but she's never spoken about it). And Joyce...she's going to be the hardest if I don't want to talk about it. She's awesome but she's not getting it, ie "Okay, we won't talk about it! Just tell me when you go in and if you get pregnant!" Aaaargh... And yet, she has been my biggest supporter in this, from DAY ONE, so not telling her feels just like a total jerk move and something she wouldn't understand, even if it's only superstiton on my part. "What if I keep telling Joyce I'm pregnant and then I keep miscarrying?!" is a ridiculous worry, but it's there. And then she's all, "That baby will come at the right time, you just need to wait, I KNOW it will be at the right time and it will be the right one for you, and you'll be a wonderful mother to that baby..." etc etc, counseling me and reassuring me, and it's all this amazingly supportive stuff but I just wish she'd just STOP, and then I feel awful for feeling that way because I am SO lucky that my freaking not-quite-STEPMOTHER is so incredibly supportive. Sigh. And THEN, the ridiculous dark worries set in, like, "Well, what if I'm worrying about nothing, because I never actually get pregnant again in my whole life??!!!!!" Yeah this is why I don't want to think of this AT ALL. *headdesk* And assuming I get through all this, let's not even get to the amnio and all that. This could be quite the lengthy journey, I know.
Can you tell I used to have an interesting life, but now that I'm on the mommy track I'm going to be a total bore the next few years on LJ, anyone?!
********
In any case, I have baby boy clothes in a drawer and a journal/baby book with a paper "N" with an "E" behind it on the cover (because I haven't quite decided on a girl's name yet) in the drawer with it. The girls clothes are downstairs, since I have so much more, so that seemed like a reasonable solution at this point. I've taken measurements of the bedroom and I continue to do so, to figure out what's I'm going to need to toss and what will fit. A mini-crib sounds quite enticing, but if there's one thing my kid will be it will be LONG, so maybe I need to rethink that idea. This stuff I can do and still talk about, probably because it feels real but not as real as actually getting pregnant, if that makes any sense.