The Machine
The holidays are over. There's music to learn, classes to prepare, cleaning to do, etc. I find myself on edge, yet paralyzed during the daylight hours.
I know what I need to do. I know I have time to do it. But I can't. For, you see, during the day, the world is working, and I'm not. I'm at home. I feel insignificant, as if nothing I do matters. I'm not a cog in the big machine -- I'm my own cog in my own machine, desperately trying to understand how I fit into that big machine. I don't. That makes me a bit anxious.
I know that right now, I'm not SUPPOSED to fit into that machine. The "Arts" machine is entirely different. But I'm afraid.
Once the sun goes down, I'm OK. I may feel guilty about not accomplishing what I had hoped I would during the daylight hours, but as I told Fred, guilt is a feeling I've grown comfortable with over the years.
It's not just that I'm overwhelmed by my list of "to-do's," I realize -- I've thought that was the issue, but it's not. It's that I'm overwhelmed by a feeling that I need to be doing the "right" thing, to be doing the thing that will satisfy someone else's needs. Working to satisfy my own needs is too selfish.
In an odd, psyhchic sort of way, I feel the crazed daytime energy of everyone out there with all their daytime needs and tasks and desires. I feel I should be helping reduce the world's tension, because that's what I do -- I help people. At least, that's what I focus on when I'm unhealthy.
When I can't get instant gratification of showing someone my work, and having them say "Thank you!" I lose all motivation. I'd rather be a savior than a workhorse.
It does get back to being OK within myself, doesn't it? If I'm truly OK within myself, I'll be most truly myself, and most help the world that way. I can't solve all the problems and conflict and tension in the world. I can only be myself, one tiny little cog. THAT'S how I fit into the big machine.
I know what I need to do. I know I have time to do it. But I can't. For, you see, during the day, the world is working, and I'm not. I'm at home. I feel insignificant, as if nothing I do matters. I'm not a cog in the big machine -- I'm my own cog in my own machine, desperately trying to understand how I fit into that big machine. I don't. That makes me a bit anxious.
I know that right now, I'm not SUPPOSED to fit into that machine. The "Arts" machine is entirely different. But I'm afraid.
Once the sun goes down, I'm OK. I may feel guilty about not accomplishing what I had hoped I would during the daylight hours, but as I told Fred, guilt is a feeling I've grown comfortable with over the years.
It's not just that I'm overwhelmed by my list of "to-do's," I realize -- I've thought that was the issue, but it's not. It's that I'm overwhelmed by a feeling that I need to be doing the "right" thing, to be doing the thing that will satisfy someone else's needs. Working to satisfy my own needs is too selfish.
In an odd, psyhchic sort of way, I feel the crazed daytime energy of everyone out there with all their daytime needs and tasks and desires. I feel I should be helping reduce the world's tension, because that's what I do -- I help people. At least, that's what I focus on when I'm unhealthy.
When I can't get instant gratification of showing someone my work, and having them say "Thank you!" I lose all motivation. I'd rather be a savior than a workhorse.
It does get back to being OK within myself, doesn't it? If I'm truly OK within myself, I'll be most truly myself, and most help the world that way. I can't solve all the problems and conflict and tension in the world. I can only be myself, one tiny little cog. THAT'S how I fit into the big machine.