Hell day
Today was the day I've had labeled on my calendar as "Hell day" for the last month. I had the stumble-through of Act I of Yeomen last night, the Act II stumble through this morning, Oklahoma this afternoon, and Desert Song tonight. Now it's done, and I don't anticipate anything this exhausting for the rest of the summer.
Good news first: Oklahoma opened today, and it went SO well. The best compliment I got was from the mother of the girl who played Laurie: "I've seen this show MANY times, and you're far and away the best Jud I've ever seen. Of course, I didn't like Jud at first, but I really felt sympathy for you in the end." Yay! That's what the director and I were both going for :-)
Desert Song went really well this evening. The female lead put on a stellar performance, and even more amazing was the fact she's been hospitalized for the last two days (!).
I have to be honest, though, and say this has also been one of the hardest periods in recent memory.
Let me preface this by saying I'm scared witless by Yeomen at the moment: the show has the shortest rehearsal period of any in the season; it's at the worst possible time in the season -- during the opening week of the first 4 shows; it's a big role; I have a lot of difficult dialogue that's just not sticking in my brain; I have a bunch of chorus music that I was told I wouldn't be singing that I now am, which is also not sticking; the director of the show really loves my voice and my stage work, so I don't want to disappoint her; and, my friend Anthony is directing several scenes, as well, and I don't want to disappoint him.
Needless to say, I was not in a good headspace going into last night's rehearsal, and and also needless to say, I did not do as well as I would have liked. This morning was a lot better (thankfully), but we've only got 2 runthroughs and a dress before we open, so I'm still overwhelmed.
Also overwhelming is that we start the last show I'm in (L'Etoile) on Monday. Not as prepared for that as I'd like to be, either!
Moving on to Oklahoma -- as much as I love the character of Jud, it is without a doubt the most intense and most draining character I have ever had to portray. From the intense "Lonely Room" scene to the dream ballet (where I throw Laurie to the ground at least 3 times, and choke Curly about as much) to my final demise -- it's beyond exhausting. Jud's also a solitary and unhappy creature, and I have to go to a dark place to find him.
Which brings us to the worst moment of the day. As I was wrestling Curly to the ground in the dream ballet, I realized something was wrong, though I obviously couldn't stop to think about it. After I "killed" him and made my exit, I realized what was wrong: my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest, I'm guessing at around 180 bpm, FAR greater than was warranted by my exertion on stage.
I knew I was having a panic attack. I told myself I was OK, but the crazed part of me wondered if I wouldn't pass out before I had to get Laurie and take her off stage at the end of the scene (I did). On my way down to the dressing room, the racing heart subsided about as quickly as it started. I felt woozy for the next 20 minutes or so, but no racing as bad as what happened offstage.
I've had enough of these in my life to know the cause is not specific, but cumulative. And I've had a thing or two in my life in the last few months that have been, indeed, stressful.
I kind of brought this on myself, though. I cut back on the Zoloft shortly after I got here from 100 mg to 50 mg. Obviously, that was a poor choice, so I'm going back up to 100, starting today. I hate that I need drugs to keep me sane, but at least the drugs exist and they work. And when it comes down to it, drugs vs. panic attacks? Drugs, please!
I ache. I'm going to get some good sleep tonight. I deserve it.
Good news first: Oklahoma opened today, and it went SO well. The best compliment I got was from the mother of the girl who played Laurie: "I've seen this show MANY times, and you're far and away the best Jud I've ever seen. Of course, I didn't like Jud at first, but I really felt sympathy for you in the end." Yay! That's what the director and I were both going for :-)
Desert Song went really well this evening. The female lead put on a stellar performance, and even more amazing was the fact she's been hospitalized for the last two days (!).
I have to be honest, though, and say this has also been one of the hardest periods in recent memory.
Let me preface this by saying I'm scared witless by Yeomen at the moment: the show has the shortest rehearsal period of any in the season; it's at the worst possible time in the season -- during the opening week of the first 4 shows; it's a big role; I have a lot of difficult dialogue that's just not sticking in my brain; I have a bunch of chorus music that I was told I wouldn't be singing that I now am, which is also not sticking; the director of the show really loves my voice and my stage work, so I don't want to disappoint her; and, my friend Anthony is directing several scenes, as well, and I don't want to disappoint him.
Needless to say, I was not in a good headspace going into last night's rehearsal, and and also needless to say, I did not do as well as I would have liked. This morning was a lot better (thankfully), but we've only got 2 runthroughs and a dress before we open, so I'm still overwhelmed.
Also overwhelming is that we start the last show I'm in (L'Etoile) on Monday. Not as prepared for that as I'd like to be, either!
Moving on to Oklahoma -- as much as I love the character of Jud, it is without a doubt the most intense and most draining character I have ever had to portray. From the intense "Lonely Room" scene to the dream ballet (where I throw Laurie to the ground at least 3 times, and choke Curly about as much) to my final demise -- it's beyond exhausting. Jud's also a solitary and unhappy creature, and I have to go to a dark place to find him.
Which brings us to the worst moment of the day. As I was wrestling Curly to the ground in the dream ballet, I realized something was wrong, though I obviously couldn't stop to think about it. After I "killed" him and made my exit, I realized what was wrong: my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest, I'm guessing at around 180 bpm, FAR greater than was warranted by my exertion on stage.
I knew I was having a panic attack. I told myself I was OK, but the crazed part of me wondered if I wouldn't pass out before I had to get Laurie and take her off stage at the end of the scene (I did). On my way down to the dressing room, the racing heart subsided about as quickly as it started. I felt woozy for the next 20 minutes or so, but no racing as bad as what happened offstage.
I've had enough of these in my life to know the cause is not specific, but cumulative. And I've had a thing or two in my life in the last few months that have been, indeed, stressful.
I kind of brought this on myself, though. I cut back on the Zoloft shortly after I got here from 100 mg to 50 mg. Obviously, that was a poor choice, so I'm going back up to 100, starting today. I hate that I need drugs to keep me sane, but at least the drugs exist and they work. And when it comes down to it, drugs vs. panic attacks? Drugs, please!
I ache. I'm going to get some good sleep tonight. I deserve it.