Gravity, Chapter Ten
Fandom: UKISS
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 10/15
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
It's amazing how much work you can get done in a month. For us, it's always a rush. As soon as plans are finalized and papers signed, the wheels start turning whether or not we're ready. That's why I'm here, sweating and cursing as I try to get my body to follow the required line of movements as we practice the new routine we picked up a few days ago. The dance is unfinished, and the music we're practicing to is a rough track that we haven't even properly recorded yet. That's fine. This is what I'm used to, and I've desperately needed a taste of something normal. I like having something to focus on.
Or at least I would if they hadn't decided to shake things up. All of those ideas for a new image and reinforcing our teamwork and all of that has led to a change that doesn't really agree with any of us. We're not doing those group dances where we all stand apart and go through the moves, or where one person sings their part before passing the song along. Solos are sharp and on-point, highlighting our talents and personalities. And those group scenes? They aren't all of us just standing around like some poorly planned choir gyrating. The main focus of this song has the seven of us all moving as one, making a human wall before we turn and change the position up entirely.
Maybe it doesn't sound so hard, but this is a lot harder than what we're used to. There's no more room for error. We have to move completely in sync to pull it off. No more getting away with not exactly knowing the dance moves. No more hoping that you can just follow someone else. We're working harder than we've ever had to before.
Harder than ever, and we already know the dance. At least the basics, but I still feel the biting pain as I misstep and someone's foot comes down hard on my toes.
"Ow! Goddammit!" A string of curses leaves my lips before I can stop them.
Immediately, Eli turns around to look at me."Shit. Sorry!"
"Everything okay?" Of course Soohyun's checking how we're doing. This isn't my dance, not my choreography. He looks us over, and I can read the words on his mind even before he says them. "Jaeseop, you need t--"
"To step further to the side. I know." There are words left unspoken, the ones that neither he nor I will mention. This is the part of the dance where I step to the side and put my hand on the person to my right's waist, solidifying the wall. Kevin's waist. I don't think I've managed to get through that part even once without stumbling or throwing someone else off. It's my problem, but it's quickly becoming everyone else's problem, too.
Soohyun sighs heavily. Glancing around at the others, I can see a mixture of reactions. Annoyance, irritation, but most everybody just looks tired. Putting my throbbing foot back on the floor, I take a breath and try to relax. A quick glance to the right, however, and Kevin's in my line of sight. He looks concerned. That's the last thing I need right now. I've been trying to get through this without paying any attention to him at all. I don't need to think about how much I'm failing at that.
Turning back to Soohyun, I say, "I could use a short break."
"Five minutes," he agrees. "Hoon, Kevin. Come over here."
Ignoring the others, I make my way over to the plastic chairs at the edge of the room. Grabbing my bag, I pull my phone out even as I sink down into my seat. Flipping through some texts, I barely notice as Eli sits down next to me. He lets out a heavy sigh. "How's your foot?"
"Still in one piece," I reply. Glancing at him out of the side of my eyes, I add, "Maybe you should lay off the RedBull, though."
Eli groans. "Not you, too. You know I don't drink that as much as you guys think."
"Usually."
"Usually," he agrees. He's smiling now. "But this dance is crazy. Seriously. I'm going to wind up spraining something before we get it down."
Clicking my phone off, I return it to my bag and drop the entire thing to the floor. I let my eyes focus on nothing, idly watching as Soohyun and the other two vocalist go through a section of the dance that focuses on the three of them.
Turning my attention back to Eli, I offer a small smile in return. "Maybe if you turned with your whole body instead of just your feet, it wouldn't be a problem."
"That would probably help." There's a clunk as Eli's water bottle hits the floor. Smoothly, he adds, "Looks like it's not all smooth sailing for you, either, though."
The subject I don't want to discuss is dangerously close to the surface. I've been wondering when he might bring it up. He's noticed, and I know that he's been wondering. The more time that Eli and I spend hanging out, the more I'm sure he thinks that my problem is his problem, too. He hasn't said anything, though. Maybe he should have. Or maybe I should have, I'm not sure. Regardless, this isn't the time or the place for that.
"Yeah," I tell him. I might admit that there's a problem, but it doesn't mean I want to talk about what the problem is actually about. "I'm just not used to the new routine. And I'm tired. That isn't helping, but we'll get there."
Eli looks over at me. He's looking me up and down, apparently trying to decide something. "Maybe you should send your girlfriend home for a few nights," he mutters, his voice falsely serious. He's trying not to grin. "Then maybe you'd get some sleep."
The comment is playful, but for some reason it rubs me the wrong way. I just don't need to hear that right now. "Can you not say shit like that? Seriously."
"All right. Sorry." The playful tone in his voice is gone. Maybe I was a bit harsh, but his teasing has gotten out of hand lately. Sitting back in my chair, I chance a glance in his direction. I'm tempted to offer an apology of my own. He isn't trying to bother me. My mood isn't the best, and I know that I shouldn't be taking that out on him.
In the end, I can't find the words to apologize. He just sits there, taking in the silence.
After a few minutes, Eli says, "Can I ask you something?"
Looking down at my watch, I can see that we've still got a couple of minutes. "I guess."
"This dance is a pain in the ass, right," he says, chewing on the words like he's not sure what he's saying. "But I'm kind of wondering, are you having trouble with it because of that one part?"
I don't even have to ask what part he means. I know. He knows. The whole damn world probably knows. That doesn't mean I'll admit to it.
"What do you mean?" My turn to ask a pointless question.
"You know what I mean," he tells me. "That part where you have to dance with Kevin. The wall, or the chain, or whatever you want to call that. You know, you've got the entire damn thing down better than the rest of us. All of it except that."
I had no idea that Eli even paid attention to what the rest of us were doing. He and I aren't the best dancers in the bunch. We know that. We're usually stuck on getting our own parts down, let alone keeping an eye on everyone else. That makes me wonder who else has noticed, not that there's really anything to notice.
"You're right," I tell him. There's no point in denying it further. "I just can't seem to get through that section."
For a long moment, I don't respond. I hope he doesn't ask for details or anything. All of that guy talk, the best friend trying to offer a shoulder or whatever other crap you might expect, we don't do that very often, and this is the worst possible time for it. That mean's it's right on schedule for Eli, but there are some things that even I won't bring up in public.
Instead of asking a question or pushing for more information, however, he just offers me a confident smile. "You know, I don't know what happened with you and Kevin, but it doesn't matter."
"It doesn't matter?" Those words don't even parse.
"Nope, it doesn't matter in the slightest." Eli grabs his water bottle again, popping the top and taking another drink. I'm starting to wonder if it's something other than water in there, because pep talks really aren't Eli's style. "It's just Kevin, and it's just a dance. You've got this."
Those words are heartfelt, even if it sounds like he's kind of uneasy saying them. A little vote of confidence really does help. That makes me wonder if maybe I'm imagining trouble with Kevin where there isn't any. In all truth and honesty, Kevin hasn't done anything at all to bother me since he's come back. We haven't even really spoken, and definitely never outside of work. There is no reason for me to feel uncomfortable around him. Maybe I should try to realize that a little more than I have. That still leaves me with one question, though.
"Maybe, but why did it have to be Kevin?" This time, it's my turn to try to lighten the mood, and even Eli is laughing at that. Kevin's a skilled dancer and he makes most of us look uncoordinated and awkward.
Eli lets out an indignant snort, finishing up his laughter so loudly that some of the others look our way. He has a good response. "There's always a reason. Probably the same reason that I'm stuck with Kiseop. Tall, skinny, coordinated. It's making me look bad. Maybe if they pay attention to the people next to us, they won't notice how bad you and I look."
We're both grinning now. That makes it easier to peel myself out of the chair and stretch out so we can take another shot at figuring this ridiculous dance out. We'll get it down eventually. As they reset the recording and everyone takes their places, Eli shoots me a mischievous look and glances at Kiseop. Returning the smile, I roll my eyes and turn to face the front. Eli's right and I know it. This is just a dance, and I can do this.
That idea is simple enough, but a week later I'm still failing. No matter how different this routine might be from the norm, there is no reason that I should be faltering like I am. The point of acceptability is long past, and the situation is becoming serious.
We've made progress. At least I can say that much. Our wall is complete. I can turn, and I can put my hand on Kevin's waist and follow the routine that we go through as we all move at the same time. But when it comes time for the chain to break and I have to turn, I can't do it. That move, sliding around to face him like that, I slip. I lose my focus. All of that bravado that I've got and all of the resolve in the world can't seem to make me get it right.
I've considered asking Soohyun if I can switch places with one of the others, but I already know what he would say. He'd turn me down. Part of the reason that we're stuck together is height, and that means that I'd probably have to switch with Kiseop. Any chance of that happening is nonexistent. The last thing Soohyun wants to do is stick me with Eli. He's always careful to avoid favoritism, or looking as though he's always sticking people next to whoever they are closest to. I'm stuck where I am. This is something I will just have to work through on my own.
That thought settles uneasily on my mind as another afternoon of dance practices comes to an end. I'm disappointed with myself. All of this trouble is making me wish that we were back to a schedule where we were just doing vocals. They're every bit as hard, but somehow it would be easier than this mess. With upcoming promotions, though, the reprieve of vocal work is only half of our day. Maybe I should take an evening or two and try to find some way to relax and take my mind off of things. I've never felt the need for a break as much as I'm feeling it now.
For the moment, the bottle of water that I'm finishing off is my only relief. We're done with practice, but somehow the day doesn't really feel over. The others are talking among themselves. I'm sure they're going out for pizza or something. Whatever their plans, it doesn't matter. I might be doing better, but I haven't gone out to dinner with them or anything in weeks.
Pressing those thoughts out of my head, I focus on finishing off my water. When I close the bottle, I'm surprised to see someone standing in front of me. I hadn't even heard him walk up.
"Kevin," I say, the closest thing I can manage to a greeting. "What's up?"
He offers me a smile, one that is quickly counteracted by a frown. I've tried not to pay too much attention to him or those expressions of his, but that's something I can't help but notice.
"I was wondering if maybe we could talk," he says.
I wasn't expecting that. "Talk?"
All of those guards that I have been trying to fight as I learn to work with Kevin once more go right back up. We never talk. We barely even say hello. I have no idea why he would choose to talk with me now. My mouth feels dry, but I try to swallow my discomfort. This is just Kevin, I tell myself. Just somebody that I work with. That's a lie, but I'll keep saying it until it becomes true.
If he's just someone that I work with, then the answer to his question is obvious. "Sure. What did you want to talk about?"
Now it's his turn to look uncomfortable. Maybe he'd be unreadable to someone else. I don't want to think about why I can read that look.
"Actually," he murmurs, the words quiet, "I was wondering if maybe we could talk privately." I open my mouth, but before I can protest, he adds another rush of words. "Just for a few minutes. Please."
Alarm bells go off in my mind. I should tell him no. There's part of me that wants to give a selfish retort that whatever it is that he has to say, he can say it in front of our other friends. That part of me is the spiteful part, the same part that still thinks about San Francisco every once and a while. The temptation is there, but I can't bring myself to say them. I am not that bitter.
Tamping down that childish half of my brain, I know that I don't want to agree. Not really. Whatever he has to say, I don't want to hear it. However, walking away would make the situation worse. There's no way that it could possibly improve anything. Even I know that.
Slowly, I find myself nodding. "All right," I tell him, the words leaving a metallic taste in my mouth. He turns and walks out of our small practice room. I follow mutely, wondering if any of the others have even noticed our exchange or our departure.
We don't have far to walk. There are other rooms that are identical to the one that we just left, disused at this odd hour of the evening. Kevin picks one and walks inside, flipping on the light as easily as though he had rehearsed it. The door clicks closed behind us.
Turning a little, I start to say his name and ask what he wants. Kevin cuts me off before I can even get started. "There's something I need to say."
He stares at me. Something in his expression is daring me to stop him. Maybe he even wants me to, but I can't seem to move.
"I've needed to say this since I came... back." Kevin takes a breath. "I didn't know if I should, or what I should say to you or anything like that, but I need to just get it out there."
The uneasiness that I felt when Kevin asked to speak to me alone has doubled. I should have said no. I don't want to hear this. Whatever it is. We've not said more than hello and good bye, and I'm damn sure there's a good reason for that. There is a very large part of me that wants too keep it that way. This, right now, makes me feel like I'm wound so tightly that I might break if he says another word.
Taking a breath of my own, I know that I have to stop this conversation before it starts. "Kevin, I thi--"
"I'm sorry."
The words are solid all at once, and the tone of his voice once again stops my sentence before it even starts. I wasn't expecting an apology. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. That barrier that I had wanted to put up, that need I had to turn and walk out of the room as fast as my feet could carry me, vanishes. Now, all that I am left with is that thin apology. He isn't saying more, maybe waiting for a response.
"Why?" This is the only question I can manage. It isn't what I want to ask. It doesn't even really make sense, but right now I don't think I could find the words to say whatever it is that I need to tell him.
Kevin looks back at me and I can't even tell if he has heard my question. Then, he turns all of that determination in his gaze towards the floor. "For... what happened. For what I did in California." He pauses, turning a little and walking a few paces further away from me. He's wringing the fingers of one hand in the other. I don't know that I've ever seen him this tense. After that first burst, his voice is softer. Softer, but more intense. "Or maybe not what I did, but how I acted. I shouldn't have walked out. And I shouldn't have said... that. I still remember it, and I really regret it. I can't take it back, but it was... not what I wanted to say. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you like that. I'm... I'm sorry, Jaeseop."
Kevin pauses, silence filling the air between us. He's shaking. I'm shaking, too. Hearing this, hearing these words and this apology, it hurts like hell.
Seven months now and I've managed to put it out of my mind. Every little thought and all of those memories have been pushed to the side, shoved out of the way when they got close enough to the surface for me to feel them.
Standing in this room with him, it's like he's managed to tear a hole in whatever it was that I'd hidden those things away in. A part of me that I had forgotten feels like it's bleeding, and I don't even know how to respond.
With all of those meaningless hellos and good byes since he has come back, we have left a lot unsaid. We both know it, and I have never once brought the subject up. We have simply ignored each other. Politely, respectably, we have both pretended that the other does not exist. I have spent so many weeks telling myself that he doesn't matter. That what happened doesn't matter. And yes, here he is giving me an apology. All of that spite and bitterness and resentment that I feel is still there, boiling just under the surface, but I cannot brush off something like this. This is important. This means something, a something I can hear in his voice but can't put a word to.
"Kevin," I start, the word more solid than it sounds, "you don't have to apologize."
A lie. Not my strong point, but maybe it should have been the truth. Right now, I don't know.
Several feet away, Kevin's eyes are still fixed to the floor. He can be direct when he is upset, but now it almost seems as though he's afraid to look at me. "I do," he tells me. "I've needed to for a long time. I just didn't know how."
Apologies generally start with words. That's the sarcastic response that comes to mind, but I can't say that to him. I am at a loss for what to do with this entire situation. Turning away or refusing the apology would make me an asshole. Even though some part of me considers it, I know that I don't really want to do something like that.
"You're having trouble with the routine." Kevin is talking again. The emotion that he had poured into the earlier apology is gone, as though it has simply run out. All that is left is a flat sort of sincerity. We're back to business. I've heard this tone from him before, whenever he is taking care of something that he has to do rather than something that he wants to get done. "And I know it's only when you have to do that one part with me. I noticed a couple of weeks ago and talked to Soohyun about it, but he just said to stick it out. I really didn't mean to make things hard on you. And I don't want you to have trouble with this routine because of me. I wanted to ask if there was anything I could do. You know, maybe to make it easier or something. Please let me know."
All of this is the most that I've heard him say since he came back to Korea. Maybe he's been saving it all up, storing all of that gusto away. I don't even know if I can process my own reactions. What are you supposed to say to something like that?
No one has ever apologized to me like this. Like they mean it, like there's something wrong and they want to fix it. This isn't something that can be fixed. Maybe that's why I didn't want to hear what he had to say. But now, this isn't something that I can ignore, either.
"Kevin, you haven't been... making things difficult." The words seem to stick to my tongue as I say them. They come out a lot quieter than I intend, but they're the truth. We've avoided one another. That's all there is to it. Nothing more or less. My problems are my own. He has simply existed, working next to me like a stranger. That feeling has been almost as unnerving as this, and I know that it can't last. "It's just..." Words fail me as I try to find an explanation.
I don't bother trying to finish the sentence that I don't know the ending to. Glancing over at Kevin, I can feel that now-opened hole in my chest aching, but all that pain is just memories. Memories, could-have-beens and mistakes that have all been tossed in the same pile. I know that I'm not the only one hurting. I can see it in his face, as much as I don't want to. I recognize all of this for what it is, an impossible situation, but there is nothing that I can do to change it.
"I didn't expect you to come back." That is the truth, and the only thing that I can seem to get past my lips. "And since you've returned, I just don't know what to do around you."
Maybe that doesn't say everything that I need it to, but it says enough. Kevin looks up from his self-imposed isolation near the mirror at the far end of the room. I hadn't realized how far he had moved. He swallows, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times without any sound leaving his lips. Finally, he says, "I don't know what to do around you, either."
There it is. We are at an impasse. This conversation that I never expected to have has run its course, and I am left without anything else to say. Maybe after I've had time to digest his apology, I'll be able to say something else. Right now, though, my mind is filling with nothing but an empty buzzing as it tries to ignore everything that I don't want to feel.
After a moment, Kevin turns to face me a little more. He isn't looking at me now, but he isn't staring at the floor either. He chews on his lip as though trying to make a decision. That only seems to take him a second. More quietly than before, he tells me, "I miss being your friend, Jaeseop."
I look up at him, and somehow the weight of everything seems a little lighter at hearing that. I know that feeling. Maybe I've never really thought about it, but I am agreeing without even thinking. "I miss being your friend, too."
"Do you think we could be friends again?" he asks. The words are both hopeful and hesitating.
Friends. It's such a simple term, unassuming. In theory, that's what we are. But we're not. I don't know if we can ever get past what happened, even though I'm well aware that it's childish and immature to keep holding a grudge. He probably knows that, too.
Considering the question, I relax a little. "I don't know." More honesty. I really don't. Maybe I'll always feel anxious and uptight around him. Maybe I won't. I can't say for sure.
"Oh."
Silence around us again, and this time it doesn't feel right. There's no point in being stubborn. All that's going to do is make things even more difficult.
"I... we can try." That's all I can promise, but maybe it's a start. There's a sudden chill as I am reminded of the hesitancy I heard from Kevin when I asked something similar of him all those months ago. I had been hoping for the impossible. Maybe this time he's the one asking for something that will probably never happen. I guess we'll never know until we try. "I guess. No point in not trying."
I'm shrugging, but Kevin is smiling. I had almost forgotten what it was like to see him smiling for real and not faking it for a camera. Maybe that little detail is worth taking the chance.
Even though Kevin is smiling at me, I can't help but wonder if there's more to it. I've always known when Kevin isn't being entirely honest, and right now I'm sure that's true. However, Kevin's business is his own. Hearing him apologize like he has is a lot more than I ever expected. That deserves some respect. And it also deserves a response.
"You aren't the only person that screwed up." It's surprisingly easy to say that, to tell him something that I've thought about more than I want to admit. The words are almost a relief. "In San Francisco, I was... out of line. I shouldn't have said some of what I did, and I crossed a line. Several of them. I'm sorry. Can't do anything about it, but I am sorry."
There's more that I want to say, but it doesn't matter now. It hasn't mattered for months. And this apology feels like it's taken a weight off my shoulders. For once, it feels like whatever animosity might have lingered between us is actually gone. We're on even ground, and it doesn't feel as rocky as I thought it might.
"Friends, then?" Taking a few more steps towards me, Kevin holds out his hand.
Reaching out, I take his hand with more certainty than I feel. This might be another mistake. I am well aware of that. But I said that I would try, and I will. "Friends."
That agreement is simple. Maybe not as simple as it seems, but by reaching that agreement I know that I have lessened some of the stress that I've been feeling. There's a sense that maybe we can actually make some progress now. Maybe I won't screw up so much in dance practice. Or maybe it'll just be nice not to have to pretend that Kevin isn't there when I go to work.
I call tell myself all of that as many times as I want, but I already know the truth. All of this uneasiness with Kevin has been eating away at me. It ate away at me for the six months that I didn't hear from him. When I saw that he had rejoined UKISS, I knew that I wouldn't be able to ignore it forever.
This isn't a solution. This is a band-aid. I know that sooner or later, something's bound to give, something a lot worse than these apologies and memories of things we'd both be better off forgetting. I know that, but what choice do I have? Eli was right. This is just Kevin. This is UKISS. We're supposed to be family. And now, maybe we can actually get back to that rather than whatever mess all of this has become.
Kevin's smile fades incrementally as we part. With nothing else left to say, we both turn and I switch off the light as he opens the door and leads us back to the practice room. I expected everyone to be gone, but they're all still there. Hoon waves us over, clearly excited about whatever they've finally settled on.
"We're heading out for dinner," Kiseop says, and even he seems interested rather than just along for the ride.
Eli grins. "Dinner, and then we might head over to that new club that just opened last week. We've got tomorrow morning off, so no worries. You coming, Kevin?"
This is conversation that I'm used to hearing. Before Kevin returned, I was always quick to join in. Watching Kevin sidle up to the others and join their conversation, I feel a familiar pang of longing. I miss being part of the group, but I've held back so that I wouldn't have to spend more time with Kevin than necessary.
Pulling back from the group, especially when I had been so close to the others for those six months, was difficult. I had my reasons, though. And on top of that, we don't really have that much free time anyway. Mine is best spent back at my apartment, pretending that I haven't noticed how much of my girlfriend's stuff has slowly made its way into my home over the past couple of months.
Tonight, like any other night, I move past the crowd of guys and pick up my things. I pause when someone calls my name.
"What?" I turn around, trying to figure out who is looking for me.
"I said that you should come along," Kevin says. He doesn't look like he thinks that I should come along at all. In fact, he kind of looks like he'd rather be anywhere but there, and like the last thing he really wants is for me to come along. But he's smiling, even if he's frowning at the same time. This is more of whatever that was in the other room just a few minutes ago. "It's more fun when there's seven of us, right? And anyway, who else is going to buy Eli dinner when he forgets his wallet?"
Eli and Hoon are both laughing awkwardly, but everyone else seems uneasy. They know why I've ducked out. They don't know what I'll do. They aren't sure how to react. Neither am I.
"I don't know. I mean, it's kind of late..." I'm torn. There's a part of me that wants to say yes, but I feel like I've already done too much for one day. I can't take much more when my mind is already so full.
Eli makes the decision for me. He steps forward and gives me a look. That look. The look that says that he still believes in me. He still believes in me, and he probably spent too much the last time he went out. "Yeah, AJ," he says. "Come on. You still owe me a drink from that one time, remember? You suck at betting."
That's enough to get a laugh out of me. He's right. I do suck at betting. And lately, I've kind of sucked at being myself, too. Maybe it's time to find a new kind of normal, one that doesn't involve trying to avoid any of my friends. Not even Kevin.
With the last of my doubts stored away for the time being, I heave a sign. "All right, but you're buying next time."
And just like that, it begins.
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 10/15
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
It's amazing how much work you can get done in a month. For us, it's always a rush. As soon as plans are finalized and papers signed, the wheels start turning whether or not we're ready. That's why I'm here, sweating and cursing as I try to get my body to follow the required line of movements as we practice the new routine we picked up a few days ago. The dance is unfinished, and the music we're practicing to is a rough track that we haven't even properly recorded yet. That's fine. This is what I'm used to, and I've desperately needed a taste of something normal. I like having something to focus on.
Or at least I would if they hadn't decided to shake things up. All of those ideas for a new image and reinforcing our teamwork and all of that has led to a change that doesn't really agree with any of us. We're not doing those group dances where we all stand apart and go through the moves, or where one person sings their part before passing the song along. Solos are sharp and on-point, highlighting our talents and personalities. And those group scenes? They aren't all of us just standing around like some poorly planned choir gyrating. The main focus of this song has the seven of us all moving as one, making a human wall before we turn and change the position up entirely.
Maybe it doesn't sound so hard, but this is a lot harder than what we're used to. There's no more room for error. We have to move completely in sync to pull it off. No more getting away with not exactly knowing the dance moves. No more hoping that you can just follow someone else. We're working harder than we've ever had to before.
Harder than ever, and we already know the dance. At least the basics, but I still feel the biting pain as I misstep and someone's foot comes down hard on my toes.
"Ow! Goddammit!" A string of curses leaves my lips before I can stop them.
Immediately, Eli turns around to look at me."Shit. Sorry!"
"Everything okay?" Of course Soohyun's checking how we're doing. This isn't my dance, not my choreography. He looks us over, and I can read the words on his mind even before he says them. "Jaeseop, you need t--"
"To step further to the side. I know." There are words left unspoken, the ones that neither he nor I will mention. This is the part of the dance where I step to the side and put my hand on the person to my right's waist, solidifying the wall. Kevin's waist. I don't think I've managed to get through that part even once without stumbling or throwing someone else off. It's my problem, but it's quickly becoming everyone else's problem, too.
Soohyun sighs heavily. Glancing around at the others, I can see a mixture of reactions. Annoyance, irritation, but most everybody just looks tired. Putting my throbbing foot back on the floor, I take a breath and try to relax. A quick glance to the right, however, and Kevin's in my line of sight. He looks concerned. That's the last thing I need right now. I've been trying to get through this without paying any attention to him at all. I don't need to think about how much I'm failing at that.
Turning back to Soohyun, I say, "I could use a short break."
"Five minutes," he agrees. "Hoon, Kevin. Come over here."
Ignoring the others, I make my way over to the plastic chairs at the edge of the room. Grabbing my bag, I pull my phone out even as I sink down into my seat. Flipping through some texts, I barely notice as Eli sits down next to me. He lets out a heavy sigh. "How's your foot?"
"Still in one piece," I reply. Glancing at him out of the side of my eyes, I add, "Maybe you should lay off the RedBull, though."
Eli groans. "Not you, too. You know I don't drink that as much as you guys think."
"Usually."
"Usually," he agrees. He's smiling now. "But this dance is crazy. Seriously. I'm going to wind up spraining something before we get it down."
Clicking my phone off, I return it to my bag and drop the entire thing to the floor. I let my eyes focus on nothing, idly watching as Soohyun and the other two vocalist go through a section of the dance that focuses on the three of them.
Turning my attention back to Eli, I offer a small smile in return. "Maybe if you turned with your whole body instead of just your feet, it wouldn't be a problem."
"That would probably help." There's a clunk as Eli's water bottle hits the floor. Smoothly, he adds, "Looks like it's not all smooth sailing for you, either, though."
The subject I don't want to discuss is dangerously close to the surface. I've been wondering when he might bring it up. He's noticed, and I know that he's been wondering. The more time that Eli and I spend hanging out, the more I'm sure he thinks that my problem is his problem, too. He hasn't said anything, though. Maybe he should have. Or maybe I should have, I'm not sure. Regardless, this isn't the time or the place for that.
"Yeah," I tell him. I might admit that there's a problem, but it doesn't mean I want to talk about what the problem is actually about. "I'm just not used to the new routine. And I'm tired. That isn't helping, but we'll get there."
Eli looks over at me. He's looking me up and down, apparently trying to decide something. "Maybe you should send your girlfriend home for a few nights," he mutters, his voice falsely serious. He's trying not to grin. "Then maybe you'd get some sleep."
The comment is playful, but for some reason it rubs me the wrong way. I just don't need to hear that right now. "Can you not say shit like that? Seriously."
"All right. Sorry." The playful tone in his voice is gone. Maybe I was a bit harsh, but his teasing has gotten out of hand lately. Sitting back in my chair, I chance a glance in his direction. I'm tempted to offer an apology of my own. He isn't trying to bother me. My mood isn't the best, and I know that I shouldn't be taking that out on him.
In the end, I can't find the words to apologize. He just sits there, taking in the silence.
After a few minutes, Eli says, "Can I ask you something?"
Looking down at my watch, I can see that we've still got a couple of minutes. "I guess."
"This dance is a pain in the ass, right," he says, chewing on the words like he's not sure what he's saying. "But I'm kind of wondering, are you having trouble with it because of that one part?"
I don't even have to ask what part he means. I know. He knows. The whole damn world probably knows. That doesn't mean I'll admit to it.
"What do you mean?" My turn to ask a pointless question.
"You know what I mean," he tells me. "That part where you have to dance with Kevin. The wall, or the chain, or whatever you want to call that. You know, you've got the entire damn thing down better than the rest of us. All of it except that."
I had no idea that Eli even paid attention to what the rest of us were doing. He and I aren't the best dancers in the bunch. We know that. We're usually stuck on getting our own parts down, let alone keeping an eye on everyone else. That makes me wonder who else has noticed, not that there's really anything to notice.
"You're right," I tell him. There's no point in denying it further. "I just can't seem to get through that section."
For a long moment, I don't respond. I hope he doesn't ask for details or anything. All of that guy talk, the best friend trying to offer a shoulder or whatever other crap you might expect, we don't do that very often, and this is the worst possible time for it. That mean's it's right on schedule for Eli, but there are some things that even I won't bring up in public.
Instead of asking a question or pushing for more information, however, he just offers me a confident smile. "You know, I don't know what happened with you and Kevin, but it doesn't matter."
"It doesn't matter?" Those words don't even parse.
"Nope, it doesn't matter in the slightest." Eli grabs his water bottle again, popping the top and taking another drink. I'm starting to wonder if it's something other than water in there, because pep talks really aren't Eli's style. "It's just Kevin, and it's just a dance. You've got this."
Those words are heartfelt, even if it sounds like he's kind of uneasy saying them. A little vote of confidence really does help. That makes me wonder if maybe I'm imagining trouble with Kevin where there isn't any. In all truth and honesty, Kevin hasn't done anything at all to bother me since he's come back. We haven't even really spoken, and definitely never outside of work. There is no reason for me to feel uncomfortable around him. Maybe I should try to realize that a little more than I have. That still leaves me with one question, though.
"Maybe, but why did it have to be Kevin?" This time, it's my turn to try to lighten the mood, and even Eli is laughing at that. Kevin's a skilled dancer and he makes most of us look uncoordinated and awkward.
Eli lets out an indignant snort, finishing up his laughter so loudly that some of the others look our way. He has a good response. "There's always a reason. Probably the same reason that I'm stuck with Kiseop. Tall, skinny, coordinated. It's making me look bad. Maybe if they pay attention to the people next to us, they won't notice how bad you and I look."
We're both grinning now. That makes it easier to peel myself out of the chair and stretch out so we can take another shot at figuring this ridiculous dance out. We'll get it down eventually. As they reset the recording and everyone takes their places, Eli shoots me a mischievous look and glances at Kiseop. Returning the smile, I roll my eyes and turn to face the front. Eli's right and I know it. This is just a dance, and I can do this.
That idea is simple enough, but a week later I'm still failing. No matter how different this routine might be from the norm, there is no reason that I should be faltering like I am. The point of acceptability is long past, and the situation is becoming serious.
We've made progress. At least I can say that much. Our wall is complete. I can turn, and I can put my hand on Kevin's waist and follow the routine that we go through as we all move at the same time. But when it comes time for the chain to break and I have to turn, I can't do it. That move, sliding around to face him like that, I slip. I lose my focus. All of that bravado that I've got and all of the resolve in the world can't seem to make me get it right.
I've considered asking Soohyun if I can switch places with one of the others, but I already know what he would say. He'd turn me down. Part of the reason that we're stuck together is height, and that means that I'd probably have to switch with Kiseop. Any chance of that happening is nonexistent. The last thing Soohyun wants to do is stick me with Eli. He's always careful to avoid favoritism, or looking as though he's always sticking people next to whoever they are closest to. I'm stuck where I am. This is something I will just have to work through on my own.
That thought settles uneasily on my mind as another afternoon of dance practices comes to an end. I'm disappointed with myself. All of this trouble is making me wish that we were back to a schedule where we were just doing vocals. They're every bit as hard, but somehow it would be easier than this mess. With upcoming promotions, though, the reprieve of vocal work is only half of our day. Maybe I should take an evening or two and try to find some way to relax and take my mind off of things. I've never felt the need for a break as much as I'm feeling it now.
For the moment, the bottle of water that I'm finishing off is my only relief. We're done with practice, but somehow the day doesn't really feel over. The others are talking among themselves. I'm sure they're going out for pizza or something. Whatever their plans, it doesn't matter. I might be doing better, but I haven't gone out to dinner with them or anything in weeks.
Pressing those thoughts out of my head, I focus on finishing off my water. When I close the bottle, I'm surprised to see someone standing in front of me. I hadn't even heard him walk up.
"Kevin," I say, the closest thing I can manage to a greeting. "What's up?"
He offers me a smile, one that is quickly counteracted by a frown. I've tried not to pay too much attention to him or those expressions of his, but that's something I can't help but notice.
"I was wondering if maybe we could talk," he says.
I wasn't expecting that. "Talk?"
All of those guards that I have been trying to fight as I learn to work with Kevin once more go right back up. We never talk. We barely even say hello. I have no idea why he would choose to talk with me now. My mouth feels dry, but I try to swallow my discomfort. This is just Kevin, I tell myself. Just somebody that I work with. That's a lie, but I'll keep saying it until it becomes true.
If he's just someone that I work with, then the answer to his question is obvious. "Sure. What did you want to talk about?"
Now it's his turn to look uncomfortable. Maybe he'd be unreadable to someone else. I don't want to think about why I can read that look.
"Actually," he murmurs, the words quiet, "I was wondering if maybe we could talk privately." I open my mouth, but before I can protest, he adds another rush of words. "Just for a few minutes. Please."
Alarm bells go off in my mind. I should tell him no. There's part of me that wants to give a selfish retort that whatever it is that he has to say, he can say it in front of our other friends. That part of me is the spiteful part, the same part that still thinks about San Francisco every once and a while. The temptation is there, but I can't bring myself to say them. I am not that bitter.
Tamping down that childish half of my brain, I know that I don't want to agree. Not really. Whatever he has to say, I don't want to hear it. However, walking away would make the situation worse. There's no way that it could possibly improve anything. Even I know that.
Slowly, I find myself nodding. "All right," I tell him, the words leaving a metallic taste in my mouth. He turns and walks out of our small practice room. I follow mutely, wondering if any of the others have even noticed our exchange or our departure.
We don't have far to walk. There are other rooms that are identical to the one that we just left, disused at this odd hour of the evening. Kevin picks one and walks inside, flipping on the light as easily as though he had rehearsed it. The door clicks closed behind us.
Turning a little, I start to say his name and ask what he wants. Kevin cuts me off before I can even get started. "There's something I need to say."
He stares at me. Something in his expression is daring me to stop him. Maybe he even wants me to, but I can't seem to move.
"I've needed to say this since I came... back." Kevin takes a breath. "I didn't know if I should, or what I should say to you or anything like that, but I need to just get it out there."
The uneasiness that I felt when Kevin asked to speak to me alone has doubled. I should have said no. I don't want to hear this. Whatever it is. We've not said more than hello and good bye, and I'm damn sure there's a good reason for that. There is a very large part of me that wants too keep it that way. This, right now, makes me feel like I'm wound so tightly that I might break if he says another word.
Taking a breath of my own, I know that I have to stop this conversation before it starts. "Kevin, I thi--"
"I'm sorry."
The words are solid all at once, and the tone of his voice once again stops my sentence before it even starts. I wasn't expecting an apology. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. That barrier that I had wanted to put up, that need I had to turn and walk out of the room as fast as my feet could carry me, vanishes. Now, all that I am left with is that thin apology. He isn't saying more, maybe waiting for a response.
"Why?" This is the only question I can manage. It isn't what I want to ask. It doesn't even really make sense, but right now I don't think I could find the words to say whatever it is that I need to tell him.
Kevin looks back at me and I can't even tell if he has heard my question. Then, he turns all of that determination in his gaze towards the floor. "For... what happened. For what I did in California." He pauses, turning a little and walking a few paces further away from me. He's wringing the fingers of one hand in the other. I don't know that I've ever seen him this tense. After that first burst, his voice is softer. Softer, but more intense. "Or maybe not what I did, but how I acted. I shouldn't have walked out. And I shouldn't have said... that. I still remember it, and I really regret it. I can't take it back, but it was... not what I wanted to say. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you like that. I'm... I'm sorry, Jaeseop."
Kevin pauses, silence filling the air between us. He's shaking. I'm shaking, too. Hearing this, hearing these words and this apology, it hurts like hell.
Seven months now and I've managed to put it out of my mind. Every little thought and all of those memories have been pushed to the side, shoved out of the way when they got close enough to the surface for me to feel them.
Standing in this room with him, it's like he's managed to tear a hole in whatever it was that I'd hidden those things away in. A part of me that I had forgotten feels like it's bleeding, and I don't even know how to respond.
With all of those meaningless hellos and good byes since he has come back, we have left a lot unsaid. We both know it, and I have never once brought the subject up. We have simply ignored each other. Politely, respectably, we have both pretended that the other does not exist. I have spent so many weeks telling myself that he doesn't matter. That what happened doesn't matter. And yes, here he is giving me an apology. All of that spite and bitterness and resentment that I feel is still there, boiling just under the surface, but I cannot brush off something like this. This is important. This means something, a something I can hear in his voice but can't put a word to.
"Kevin," I start, the word more solid than it sounds, "you don't have to apologize."
A lie. Not my strong point, but maybe it should have been the truth. Right now, I don't know.
Several feet away, Kevin's eyes are still fixed to the floor. He can be direct when he is upset, but now it almost seems as though he's afraid to look at me. "I do," he tells me. "I've needed to for a long time. I just didn't know how."
Apologies generally start with words. That's the sarcastic response that comes to mind, but I can't say that to him. I am at a loss for what to do with this entire situation. Turning away or refusing the apology would make me an asshole. Even though some part of me considers it, I know that I don't really want to do something like that.
"You're having trouble with the routine." Kevin is talking again. The emotion that he had poured into the earlier apology is gone, as though it has simply run out. All that is left is a flat sort of sincerity. We're back to business. I've heard this tone from him before, whenever he is taking care of something that he has to do rather than something that he wants to get done. "And I know it's only when you have to do that one part with me. I noticed a couple of weeks ago and talked to Soohyun about it, but he just said to stick it out. I really didn't mean to make things hard on you. And I don't want you to have trouble with this routine because of me. I wanted to ask if there was anything I could do. You know, maybe to make it easier or something. Please let me know."
All of this is the most that I've heard him say since he came back to Korea. Maybe he's been saving it all up, storing all of that gusto away. I don't even know if I can process my own reactions. What are you supposed to say to something like that?
No one has ever apologized to me like this. Like they mean it, like there's something wrong and they want to fix it. This isn't something that can be fixed. Maybe that's why I didn't want to hear what he had to say. But now, this isn't something that I can ignore, either.
"Kevin, you haven't been... making things difficult." The words seem to stick to my tongue as I say them. They come out a lot quieter than I intend, but they're the truth. We've avoided one another. That's all there is to it. Nothing more or less. My problems are my own. He has simply existed, working next to me like a stranger. That feeling has been almost as unnerving as this, and I know that it can't last. "It's just..." Words fail me as I try to find an explanation.
I don't bother trying to finish the sentence that I don't know the ending to. Glancing over at Kevin, I can feel that now-opened hole in my chest aching, but all that pain is just memories. Memories, could-have-beens and mistakes that have all been tossed in the same pile. I know that I'm not the only one hurting. I can see it in his face, as much as I don't want to. I recognize all of this for what it is, an impossible situation, but there is nothing that I can do to change it.
"I didn't expect you to come back." That is the truth, and the only thing that I can seem to get past my lips. "And since you've returned, I just don't know what to do around you."
Maybe that doesn't say everything that I need it to, but it says enough. Kevin looks up from his self-imposed isolation near the mirror at the far end of the room. I hadn't realized how far he had moved. He swallows, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times without any sound leaving his lips. Finally, he says, "I don't know what to do around you, either."
There it is. We are at an impasse. This conversation that I never expected to have has run its course, and I am left without anything else to say. Maybe after I've had time to digest his apology, I'll be able to say something else. Right now, though, my mind is filling with nothing but an empty buzzing as it tries to ignore everything that I don't want to feel.
After a moment, Kevin turns to face me a little more. He isn't looking at me now, but he isn't staring at the floor either. He chews on his lip as though trying to make a decision. That only seems to take him a second. More quietly than before, he tells me, "I miss being your friend, Jaeseop."
I look up at him, and somehow the weight of everything seems a little lighter at hearing that. I know that feeling. Maybe I've never really thought about it, but I am agreeing without even thinking. "I miss being your friend, too."
"Do you think we could be friends again?" he asks. The words are both hopeful and hesitating.
Friends. It's such a simple term, unassuming. In theory, that's what we are. But we're not. I don't know if we can ever get past what happened, even though I'm well aware that it's childish and immature to keep holding a grudge. He probably knows that, too.
Considering the question, I relax a little. "I don't know." More honesty. I really don't. Maybe I'll always feel anxious and uptight around him. Maybe I won't. I can't say for sure.
"Oh."
Silence around us again, and this time it doesn't feel right. There's no point in being stubborn. All that's going to do is make things even more difficult.
"I... we can try." That's all I can promise, but maybe it's a start. There's a sudden chill as I am reminded of the hesitancy I heard from Kevin when I asked something similar of him all those months ago. I had been hoping for the impossible. Maybe this time he's the one asking for something that will probably never happen. I guess we'll never know until we try. "I guess. No point in not trying."
I'm shrugging, but Kevin is smiling. I had almost forgotten what it was like to see him smiling for real and not faking it for a camera. Maybe that little detail is worth taking the chance.
Even though Kevin is smiling at me, I can't help but wonder if there's more to it. I've always known when Kevin isn't being entirely honest, and right now I'm sure that's true. However, Kevin's business is his own. Hearing him apologize like he has is a lot more than I ever expected. That deserves some respect. And it also deserves a response.
"You aren't the only person that screwed up." It's surprisingly easy to say that, to tell him something that I've thought about more than I want to admit. The words are almost a relief. "In San Francisco, I was... out of line. I shouldn't have said some of what I did, and I crossed a line. Several of them. I'm sorry. Can't do anything about it, but I am sorry."
There's more that I want to say, but it doesn't matter now. It hasn't mattered for months. And this apology feels like it's taken a weight off my shoulders. For once, it feels like whatever animosity might have lingered between us is actually gone. We're on even ground, and it doesn't feel as rocky as I thought it might.
"Friends, then?" Taking a few more steps towards me, Kevin holds out his hand.
Reaching out, I take his hand with more certainty than I feel. This might be another mistake. I am well aware of that. But I said that I would try, and I will. "Friends."
That agreement is simple. Maybe not as simple as it seems, but by reaching that agreement I know that I have lessened some of the stress that I've been feeling. There's a sense that maybe we can actually make some progress now. Maybe I won't screw up so much in dance practice. Or maybe it'll just be nice not to have to pretend that Kevin isn't there when I go to work.
I call tell myself all of that as many times as I want, but I already know the truth. All of this uneasiness with Kevin has been eating away at me. It ate away at me for the six months that I didn't hear from him. When I saw that he had rejoined UKISS, I knew that I wouldn't be able to ignore it forever.
This isn't a solution. This is a band-aid. I know that sooner or later, something's bound to give, something a lot worse than these apologies and memories of things we'd both be better off forgetting. I know that, but what choice do I have? Eli was right. This is just Kevin. This is UKISS. We're supposed to be family. And now, maybe we can actually get back to that rather than whatever mess all of this has become.
Kevin's smile fades incrementally as we part. With nothing else left to say, we both turn and I switch off the light as he opens the door and leads us back to the practice room. I expected everyone to be gone, but they're all still there. Hoon waves us over, clearly excited about whatever they've finally settled on.
"We're heading out for dinner," Kiseop says, and even he seems interested rather than just along for the ride.
Eli grins. "Dinner, and then we might head over to that new club that just opened last week. We've got tomorrow morning off, so no worries. You coming, Kevin?"
This is conversation that I'm used to hearing. Before Kevin returned, I was always quick to join in. Watching Kevin sidle up to the others and join their conversation, I feel a familiar pang of longing. I miss being part of the group, but I've held back so that I wouldn't have to spend more time with Kevin than necessary.
Pulling back from the group, especially when I had been so close to the others for those six months, was difficult. I had my reasons, though. And on top of that, we don't really have that much free time anyway. Mine is best spent back at my apartment, pretending that I haven't noticed how much of my girlfriend's stuff has slowly made its way into my home over the past couple of months.
Tonight, like any other night, I move past the crowd of guys and pick up my things. I pause when someone calls my name.
"What?" I turn around, trying to figure out who is looking for me.
"I said that you should come along," Kevin says. He doesn't look like he thinks that I should come along at all. In fact, he kind of looks like he'd rather be anywhere but there, and like the last thing he really wants is for me to come along. But he's smiling, even if he's frowning at the same time. This is more of whatever that was in the other room just a few minutes ago. "It's more fun when there's seven of us, right? And anyway, who else is going to buy Eli dinner when he forgets his wallet?"
Eli and Hoon are both laughing awkwardly, but everyone else seems uneasy. They know why I've ducked out. They don't know what I'll do. They aren't sure how to react. Neither am I.
"I don't know. I mean, it's kind of late..." I'm torn. There's a part of me that wants to say yes, but I feel like I've already done too much for one day. I can't take much more when my mind is already so full.
Eli makes the decision for me. He steps forward and gives me a look. That look. The look that says that he still believes in me. He still believes in me, and he probably spent too much the last time he went out. "Yeah, AJ," he says. "Come on. You still owe me a drink from that one time, remember? You suck at betting."
That's enough to get a laugh out of me. He's right. I do suck at betting. And lately, I've kind of sucked at being myself, too. Maybe it's time to find a new kind of normal, one that doesn't involve trying to avoid any of my friends. Not even Kevin.
With the last of my doubts stored away for the time being, I heave a sign. "All right, but you're buying next time."
And just like that, it begins.