Gravity, Chapter Nine
Fandom: UKISS
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 9/15
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
Six Months Later
Today is absolutely perfect. I couldn't be feeling better, and it feels like every nerve in my body is alive and awake, ready to tackle an awesome day. It's almost spring, and I can practically taste it in the air. Windows rolled down, the air is just a little too cold, but I don't care. The radio is going, Eli's sitting next to me and laughing at my bad jokes, and we're going to make the most of our day off. I can't remember the last time we had a free day. I don't even know what we're going to do with our freedom, but I know that we're going to have a blast! The possibilities of what we could do with it seem endless.
"Where do you want to grab lunch?" Eli asks, still grinning. "And roll those windows up! It's cold in here, man."
I give in but only just a little. The windows go up halfway and I can't stop smiling as I return my hand back to the wheel, turning a corner and heading for one of our favorite dives. We always wind up back at the same place when we can't make up our minds, and that's just fine by me. I used to think that having the same thing every time was boring, but now it's one of my favorite things to do. Just like we used to be, Eli and I are buddies again, making an already great day even better.
"We can go for the usual," I tell him, but I'm sure he's already figured out where I'm heading. "We can't stay out late tonight, though. I need to get home."
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Eli arching an eyebrow at me. He's still smiling. I can read the question on his lips before he asks it. "Why?" Rather than answer, I just return his grin and he starts laughing again. "Jesus, Jaeseop. Is she staying over again?"
"Why do you say it like that?" Now I'm laughing too. Glancing over at him, I meet his eyes and I can tell that he's happy with my good fortune. So am I. I guess it's been a long time in coming. For once, everything seems to be going my way.
Shaking his head, Eli turns his eyes back to the road, but I can see that he's smirking. "Nothing, nothing. It's just that she's practically living with you now, isn't she? I mean, she's been over, what, ten... eleven days in a row?"
"It's not like that," I protest, but it's halfhearted, and I'm still smiling. "Not that long. Just a couple of nights. It's kind of nice having someone at the apartment, you know? Seems kind of empty otherwise. I'm still getting used to being out on my own. You're just jealous that you don't have someone to go home to."
"Sure I do."
"Who?"
Eli sits back seriously. "The dog."
"Well, a little hairy, but if that's your thing..."
I'm laughing again even before I feel him hit my shoulder. He settles back in his seat, adjusting his seat belt as he gets comfortable once more. He lets out a contented sigh. After a moment, he says, "But, seriously, you're in pretty deep with her, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess I am." That feeling of good fortune makes my chest squeeze a little at the thought. I haven't really thought about it, honestly, but it's a good thing. Another step in the right direction.
"Good." A little of the smile is gone from Eli's voice, replaced by honesty. "It's been a long time since I've seen you happy like this. I'm glad for you."
That's the first time he's said it. We haven't really talked about anything that's happened. Maybe not talking about it has helped, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting back to normal. Maybe not perfect, but a hell of a lot closer than I've felt in a long time. Whatever it is that I've been doing, I know that I'm back on the right track with my life. I've got Columbia coming up in the fall, a girlfriend waiting for me at home and a solid job that can carry me through to my goals. What more could I ask for?
Beside me, Eli becomes distracted from our conversation as his phone starts ringing. I'd love to comment on his ridiculous ring tone, but I miss my chance as he answers and quickly falls into a serious tone of conversation. The pause isn't a bother. It gives me time to look for a parking space. Before I can pull in, though, Eli is clicking the phone off and heaving a dramatic sigh.
"Looks like there's not going to be time for lunch," he tells me. "That was the boss."
Groaning, I can feel doom descending. I knew the words "day off" were too good to be true. "What did he want?"
The leather of the seats squeaks as Eli slides lower. "You know that meeting we've got tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah?"
"It's been moved up."
I knew it. "When is it?"
Eli glances longingly over at our favorite hangout and I know the answer before he says it. "Now."
"Ugh. Why do they do this to us?" It's a valid question, but it doesn't make the slightest difference. My stomach growls in sympathy as I pull away from the restaurant and head towards word.
I want to complain, but I have to admit that I'm actually kind of excited. All of this good luck that I've been having has definitely been working for my career, too. Our last batch of promotions has ended and we're gearing up for a new start. There has been some talk about trying out a new image for UKISS. Along with a new album and more concerts, the manager has even talked to me about putting a couple of my songs in the albums. Apparently they liked a couple of the demos that I worked up for them a couple of months ago. Nothing's set in stone, but I'm anxious to get started.
We've known there was a big meeting coming up, a game changer, but it was scheduled for tomorrow. If it's been moved up, something has changed. That, or it was just more convenient for one of the higher-ups to do it today. Eli isn't excited. For him, it's just work. For me, I'm in too good of a mood to let a little thing like a meeting throw me off.
Making our way into the familiar metal and glass of our the office building, I can't help but feel like something is off. Usually when they're holding a meeting, there's just a skeleton staff to work with us. Our manager, maybe a couple of others to think about the business end of things. There might be a secretary to take notes. It all depends on the day, but there's never more than ten or twelve people other than us and whatever office staff happens to be milling about. I know that we were due for a major meeting, but even that can't explain how many people are flooding the halls. More than twice the usual amount, and I don't recognize most of them. That doesn't happen very often unless they go on a hiring spree.
"Did you hear about anything going on today?" I ask Eli quietly as we head for the elevator. "Something's strange."
We're joined in the car by two women carrying papers. Eli looks at them, then back to me. Offering a shrug, he turns back to eye the girls again. "You've got me," he says, shrugging.
The third floor has even more people, but they're staff that I'm familiar with. That puts me at ease as I make my way down the hall, right up until I almost plow into Eli. He has frozen completely in the doorway to the boardroom. He blocks most of the door and I can't get through.
"What's the deal?" I ask, putting my hand on his shoulder to maneuver him into the room. Eli doesn't respond, and he doesn't need to. Peering over his shoulder, I get a look at who all is in the room. Most of the others are already here. Soohyun and Kiseop are seated at the table. The manager is there, too. Hoon is getting some water from a cooler in the corner, and there's some woman at the table writing something in a notebook. I notice all of that, but none of it matters, not even in the slightest, as I finally realize what's going on. Sitting at the table, sandwiched between Soohyun and the manager, is the last person on Earth I ever expected to see. It's Kevin.
The entire world comes to a screeching halt as I blink, trying to clear my eyes and make certain that I'm not imagining things. No, he's really there. Kevin is sitting at the table. Thinner, paler, and blonder than the last time that I saw him, but it's definitely him, and it's like I'm seeing a ghost. This can't really be happening. I must be having a dream, or a nightmare, or something. A sense of surreality washes over me. There's a half-second where I wonder whether or not I might pass out, or if I'm hallucinating. Then, he looks up at me and my entire world tilts sideways.
For the first time in months, I feel incredibly unsettled. Off-center. I am struck by the sudden desire to turn around, walk out of the building and drive until I run out of gas. Instead, I stand there in the doorway as Eli finally moves into the room. I don't know how he can walk, because I feel frozen in place. I feel Dongho wiggle past me to get in and I know that I am the only one standing. The loud conversation falls silent and I can hear the rest of the room waiting.
"AJ, come on. Take a seat." It's Soohyun encouraging me to join the rest of the group. Somehow, I'm inside of the doorway and the rest of the staff is there. There is a space next to Kiseop open and I realize that everyone is staring at me. Slowly, dumbly, I move my feet one pace at a time and fall into the open chair. Just like that, the meeting begins as if the world hadn't stopped turning five minutes ago.
"I guess you've all noticed the surprise," Soohyun says, grinning broadly. He usually doesn't take the lead when the manager is here, but I really don't think anyone cares. Everyone else seems overjoyed.
Protocol is being entirely ignored. Kiseop is practically wiggling in his chair next to me. I can tell that he wants to ask a question, but Dongho beats him to it. "How long are you here for?"
I know what he's asking. He wants to know if Kevin is just visiting, or if he's going to work with us. If we can spend time with him. And I don't want to hear the answer. I don't want to hear it at all.
I expect Kevin to respond, and a wave or relief washes over me when he doesn't. It's the manager who takes charge, apparently ready to answer whatever questions are forthcoming. That feeling of relief is gone as soon as I hear the first words out of his mouth.
"I'm happy to say that Kevin won't be going anywhere. Not for a long while, at least," our manager announces with the air of telling us the best thing in the world. "It's taken some finagling, but Kevin has re-signed with UKISS."
"What? Really?" Hoon's excited shout is almost over-ridden by one from Eli. Suddenly, the entire room is a deafening storm of voices. Everyone but me is trying to say something, or shout their congratulations, or demand details. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up.
Slowly, the chaos dies. Eli is the first one to ask a sane question, the second surprise of the evening. "What's the plan?"
This is apparently exactly the question that the manager wanted to hear. For the first time in the evening, the conversation takes on a more business-like tone. "Kevin's return is a major focus, and will also aid us in marketing the new album and concerts to the fans. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity that we have not had before and probably won't have again. We will make the most of it. Currently, we're considering using the idea of a return or a rebirth for the new album and the next set of promotions. We're going to breathe new life into UKISS and let the fans know that you're here to stay."
There's a pause as everyone takes time to consider the possibilities. I doubt any of us are in a mindset to think about the new album, though, not with the other major change. Not with what we've just been told. He's back, and he isn't leaving.
"What sort of ideas did you have?" Hoon is apparently curious, at least.
"Well, Soohyun mentioned the possibility of a phoenix, or something of the sort, but we weren't certain if that would appeal to you," the manager replies. "Since we will be focusing strongly on all of you for this and the new image, I was hoping you might have some ideas or input. Anyone?"
"Why don't we--"
Soohyun starts talking and the conversation is lost to me. Everyone else seems to be caught up in the fervor, but all of that excitement and enthusiasm that I felt earlier in the day is gone. Gone, along with any desire to give my own input. The most that I can manage is a nod of my head and a vague agreement when I'm asked a couple of questions. Luckily, the business discussion doesn't last long. There are only a few minutes of hurried conversation before the manager tells us that this is just a reintroduction. The real business meeting is still set for early-o'clock tomorrow. Great.
That's all it takes for the last of the serious discussion to break down. Conversation ensues, but the voices around me just sound like the buzzing of bees. Everyone gets up from their seat around the table and begin crowding around the guest of honor. This sort of thing never happens in here, and some of the other staff members look uncomfortable. They aren't the only ones. I don't like standing here and watching as the others hang off of him, exchanging their welcoming greetings and hugs. I can't remember the last time that I saw everyone else so animated and overjoyed with something, but the warmth of the room doesn't even touch me. Despite the fact that I should be involving myself or mingling with the others or something, I can't. I just feel sick to my stomach, like I might throw up.
"Jaeseop, come over here!" Kiseop calls to me. He's usually quiet, so the peppy invitation is a surprise. I look up and instantly look away. He has an arm wrapped around Kevin. I can't see Kevin, not really. Soohyun is in the way, and for that I'm glad. I can't go over to where he and Kiseop are standing. I can't see him. Not right now.
Shaking my head, I get to my feet and make my way over to the door. I know that I can't avoid Kevin, not forever. It's been too long since I've seen him and he is making his rounds through the room. I want to leave, but I know that I can't. This isn't one of those times when I can do whatever I want. Right now, I have to stand here and feel the seconds as they tick down. My gaze is fixed on a plastic plant in the corner, studying the too-shiny leaves when I finally hear him in front of me.
"Hello."
Every once of willpower in my body is needed to turn and look at him. I'm not sure why. This shouldn't be that hard, even if the shock is still wearing off. After all, this is just Kevin.
In my mind's eye, he is glaring at me. His face is set in a fierce frown unlike anything I've seen him wear in real life. When I actually get a look at him, however, I can see that my imagination is wrong. He's looking at me, yes, but he isn't glaring at me or even frowning. He just looks serious and maybe a little uneasy, like maybe he's just as uncomfortable as I am right now.
"Hi." I can't look at him for long. I quickly turn my face away. This really shouldn't be as difficult as it seems and I know it, but rational thought doesn't seem to be changing my reactions. I can't put any warmth in my words. "Welcome back."
I can hear him shifting in front of me. I don't know why I can hear those little details; the room is very loud around us. "It's good to see you," he says. He sounds like he means it. That's more than I can say. "You look like you're doing well."
How am I supposed to respond? I have no idea. I don't want to say anything. I don't even want to be here. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." He pauses, clearly looking for something else to say. "Soohyun says you finally got your own apartment. Do you like it?"
This conversation is plastic. Part of my mind has managed to calm down, enough so that I realize that the least I can do is make polite conversation. It's been six months since I've seen him. The past is the past. History doesn't matter. I'll just keep telling myself that.
"Yeah," I reply. I try to look at him, but now he's the one looking away. This is beyond awkward. He takes a breath, and starts to ask a question. "I was going to ask, d--"
"I need to go."
Somehow, I've reached my limit. I just can't do this right now. Turning on my heel, I walk through the door that I've been leaning against. I don't bother to look and see what reaction my sudden departure brings. I just let my feet find their own path through the hall. Around two corners, through a corridor filled with filing cabinets and into the back corner door that leads into the men's room.
Alone. I can finally breathe. I didn't realize that I was holding my breath, but it all comes out in a rush as I lean back against a wall. Blood is pounding through my veins, stirring up an instant headache unlike anything I've felt before. It's all I can do to try and focus my breathing. I need to calm down. That's a ridiculous thought, because I'm not upset. I'm not disturbed, or angry or anything. I just feel... completely shaken.
There is no one else in the room with me, but the seconds pulse by with the irrational fear that someone might follow me. Kevin, maybe. Or Eli, even. Any of them. When no one comes through the door, I can feel myself slowly settling into my thoughts as I try to sort them out. There's confusion there, and it's covering a whole hell of a lot of something that I can't even touch right now.
Why is he even here?
The last that I saw or heard of Kevin Woo, he was walking out of a hotel room six months ago. I haven't asked about him. No one has said anything. I did well in coming home. I did exactly what I told Eli that I would; I picked up my life and moved on with it, safe in the knowledge that the person I wasted two years of my life chasing was on the other side of the world. He was out of sight and out of mind.
And yet, there he is. Standing in that conference room, talking with everybody like that's where he's always been. That's all it has taken for me to feel like I'm right on the edge of falling apart all over again. I don't understand why. Maybe I'm just surprised, or in shock or something. Seeing him here today was the last thing I ever expected. All I can think about is the fact that it shouldn't have been a surprise. Someone had to have known. Soohyun, probably. Maybe Eli, too. And yet nobody had the decency to at least give me some warning or a heads up.
The more I think about that fact, the less that it seems to matter. None of it matters. I have no idea what to do with myself or the jumbled mess of thoughts running through my mind. It's hard to pick out individual emotions when you're feeling them all at once. I wish I could just go back to earlier today, when Eli and I were looking forward to lunch. That was happy. This... this is just a mess.
I guess realizing that I can't sort myself out is still a form of sorting myself out. Eyes closed, breathing a little easier, I can at least get some perspective. Perspective enough to think back to my brief conversation with Kevin, if you could even call it that. He looks so different that it's no wonder that I thought I was imagining things. It's been a long time since I've seen him with blond hair, and a long time since I've seen him looking that thin. I wonder if he's been eating okay, because he doesn't look great. Good, but not great.
The amount of concern that I feel for him hurts as much as it surprises me. I register that feeling for half a second before it vanishes into the cloud of confusion that overtook me before. Even that mess is covered up by anger and frustration. Even though nothing in my personal life has really changed, it somehow feels like all the progress that I have made has vanished in an instant with his arrival.
"Fuck. Shit. Goddammit." Tossing my head back, I let out another wave of curses as I feel my skull hit the tiled wall behind me. Confusion or not, there's no denying why all of this bothers me. I want to say that I'm indifferent. I want to tell myself that I could brush all of this off, walk back into that boardroom and act like the rest of my friends as they celebrate the reunion. I can't. No matter how much I want to say that, it would be a lie.
Bzzzzt.
My phone buzzes loudly in my pocket, interrupting my stream of uninterrupted thoughts. It's probably one of the guys trying to figure out where I am. I don't want to check it, but I know that I probably should.
Finally opening my eyes, I slide the phone out of my pocket and tap my screen. One new text, but it's not from any of the guys. It's from my girlfriend. That's enough to make me smile; a good momentary distraction. Opening the text reveals a simple question: what time will I be home? I wish I could answer her, but I don't know. I don't know anything except the fact that I can't stay in here forever.
Taking a breath, I try to collect my thoughts. I feel slightly ridiculous now for walking out of that meeting, but I can't change it. And even if I do feel silly for how I acted, I don't know if I can go back in there. At the very least, I can cool down a little. Pulling away from the wall, I head over to one of the sinks and turn on the faucet. Splashing some of the water over my face, I run a hand over the back of my neck as I try to relax a little. When I look up, however, it's not just my face looking back at me in the mirror.
Soohyun steps into the room and lets the door fall shut behind him. I guess he did come to find me after all. He walks over and leans against the wall, apparently waiting for me to say something. When I don't say anything, he says, "I was wondering where you went."
"I just needed a minute," I tell him. I'm not sure whether or not the words are even clear or loud enough for him to hear.
"I can see that." He shifts, but he makes no move to get any closer to me. Maybe he can see that I need my space. "Are you okay?"
What a question to ask. He already knows the answer, and I'm sure of it. What little calm I had managed to gather seems to fly out a window as I pull away from the sink. "No, I'm not okay." Turning around to look at him, I ask some of what has been running through my mind. "Why the hell didn't you give me a heads up or something, Soohyun? You knew."
He doesn't deny that accusation. He doesn't even look ruffled, but he does look like he's thinking about how to respond. Soohyun is one of the people who helped me to get back on my feet. I appreciate all of his support, but this feels like a betrayal of trust.
"I kind of figured that you'd react this way if I did tell you," he replies. "It's not like I knew for sure anyway. There was no point in getting you worked up about something that probably wasn't going to happen."
Something about the way he says it bothers me almost as much as the fact that he didn't say anything in the first place. "How long did you know?"
"For sure? About a week. None of the others knew at all, not that I'm aware of." He shifts again, moving his weight to the other foot.
"And how long did you know before it was certain?" What he's saying should be putting me at ease, but it's doing just the opposite. Even though he hasn't said it, I know there's a chance that he wasn't allowed to say anything. Right now, I really couldn't care less. I'm usually the quiet one, but right now I don't really feel like keeping my thoughts to myself.
When I look up, Soohyun meets my eyes and steps away from the wall. "Three months or so."
Three months. That's half the time I've been back. Half the damn time.
"You knew. You knew, and you didn't even say anything." I'm shaking my hands at him and I'm probably shouting. Soohyun doesn't look impressed. He doesn't even look upset. He just lets me yell at him with a serious look on his face like he was expecting it. "You didn't even give me a warning or anything, and you knew that--"
"It doesn't matter."
Those two words cut me off. The way he says them is so firm that it stops my tirade where it started. "Excuse me?"
"Look, I'm not stupid," he tells me, stepping forward again. "I know about the crap that happened with Kevin. I know how you feel -- felt - about him. And trust me, I remember that trip you took to California to fi--"
"Never mention that again."
Soohyun falls silent, but he doesn't look away from me. "Alright. But listen to what I'm telling you, Jaeseop. It doesn't matter. This isn't about you, and this isn't about your personal issues with him. This is business."
"Business," I repeat bitterly. That's a load of bullshit. UKISS is business, sure. This is our job, this is work. I know that, but I'm also aware that it's become much more than that to all of us. Soohyun saying otherwise is hypocritical at best. He's in just as deep, if not more so, as all of us.
"Business," he tells me again. "We're practically family, Jaeseop. We care about each other, and we all know it, but when shit happens, we can't throw a fit and stop doing our job. Deal with it."
I feel the immature urge to punch something. "With all due respect, Soohyun, go fuck yourself."
I move to walk past him, but Soohyun puts out his arm and stops me in my path. Any of the warmth in his expression from when he walked in is gone. Right now, he is every inch the leader that I know he can be. I also know that I don't want to be on the wrong side of his temper, especially when my own is in overdrive.
"Grow up," Soohyun says flatly. "You've been doing this for too damn long, AJ. Enough is enough. You aren't the only person who has to work with someone they were involved with. You're being childish and selfish. This isn't who you are. You're better than this."
"We weren't involved." I practically spit the words, and they taste like a lie. Ignoring that, I turn away from him once more. "And I haven't been doing this for 'too long.' He just got ba--"
"Too damn long," Soohyun repeats, and his tone is final. I glance at him once more. He has a look on his face as stern as I've ever seen it, and I know what he means. He isn't talking about today, or my walking out of that meeting. He's talking about all of it, since the very beginning. Since I realized how I felt about Kevin those couple of years ago.
Even though Soohyun has only said a few words, Soohyun has somehow managed to sum up all of my teasing, my flirtations, my frustration. Everything that I have ever felt or done that Kevin has been the source of, summed up in three words: too damn long. He's right and I know it. I knew the moment that I got on that plane in San Francisco. I know it now, too. And I have to wonder what good all that knowing does, because it hasn't changed that ache I can feel in my chest, the one that I want to pretend doesn't exist.
The look on his face softens. Reaching out, he places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry," he says. "I know this is tough on you, but don't make it harder on yourself than it really is. He isn't here to cause trouble."
"Why is he here?" I'm not sure whether or not I really want an answer, but I can't stop myself from asking.
"Maybe you should ask him."
Soohyun's suggestion causes me to pull back. The last thing I need right now is to see Kevin. Even if my thoughts are slowly calming, I am too shaken up to be of any use to anyone. I need time to sort myself out before anything else.
Shaking my hand, I pull away from Soohyun's hand. "No. I can't see him right now."
"He's worried about you, you know." Why is Soohyun telling me this? He steps away, clearing the path to the door as he keeps talking. "You don't have to be his best friend, AJ. But you don't have to make an enemy of him, either. We all work together. If that's all you can manage, that's enough, but don't imagine a problem where there isn't one. Can you do that?"
The words fall away, but the question is still hovering in the air. I turn to look at Soohyun as I try to find the answer to that question. Can I work with Kevin? I know what I should say. I should tell Soohyun that I am a professional. Who I work with doesn't matter, a job is a job. I'm not sure that would be the truth. I'm not sure that I can work beside Kevin and ignore our history. I don't know if I can try to pretend that what happened doesn't bother me. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
Slowly, I nod. All I can do is try.
Soohyun reaches out and gives my arm another squeeze, warm and supportive. He is out of words and I am out of anger. We are at an impasse, and I don't have enough strength in me to try and find a solution to this problem that he says is not a problem.
"We're all going to go grab an early dinner or something, I think," he tells me. He pulls back and offers me a smile. This is my friend now, no longer just the leader trying to keep his band of misfits together. "Sort of a celebration. It's been a long time since we all went out to eat together. Manager's treat. Ready to go?"
His words remind me that Eli and I were going to get lunch a couple of hours ago. That seems like another lifetime to me now. I'm still hungry. Starving, even, but I can't go with them. I just can't.
"I think I'll pass," I tell him. Running a hand through my hair, I turn away. "I think I'm going to head home early, unless you need me here for something."
"Just make sure that you make it to the meeting tomorrow," Soohyun replies as I walk towards the restroom door. "Jaeseop..."
"Yeah?" I pause a little, turning to look at him. It looks like there's a lot more that he'd like to say, but I don't think even he knows what it is.
Finally, he asks a question. "What are you going to do?"
That question is a lot more complicated than it sounds. However, as Soohyun has already told me, this is business. Just business. If I can get into that mindset, if I can somehow manage to separate my emotions from the situation, I will get by. It's a simple enough thing to consider, but thoughts never seem to equal reality.
Considering my options, there is only once answer that I can give. In the end, Kevin coming back changes nothing. We are still UKISS. I am still Jaeseop.
"Nothing. After all, like you said, this is just business."
Just business. I tell myself those two words over and over again as I let the door slide closed behind me.
Rating: PG
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 9/15
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
Six Months Later
Today is absolutely perfect. I couldn't be feeling better, and it feels like every nerve in my body is alive and awake, ready to tackle an awesome day. It's almost spring, and I can practically taste it in the air. Windows rolled down, the air is just a little too cold, but I don't care. The radio is going, Eli's sitting next to me and laughing at my bad jokes, and we're going to make the most of our day off. I can't remember the last time we had a free day. I don't even know what we're going to do with our freedom, but I know that we're going to have a blast! The possibilities of what we could do with it seem endless.
"Where do you want to grab lunch?" Eli asks, still grinning. "And roll those windows up! It's cold in here, man."
I give in but only just a little. The windows go up halfway and I can't stop smiling as I return my hand back to the wheel, turning a corner and heading for one of our favorite dives. We always wind up back at the same place when we can't make up our minds, and that's just fine by me. I used to think that having the same thing every time was boring, but now it's one of my favorite things to do. Just like we used to be, Eli and I are buddies again, making an already great day even better.
"We can go for the usual," I tell him, but I'm sure he's already figured out where I'm heading. "We can't stay out late tonight, though. I need to get home."
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Eli arching an eyebrow at me. He's still smiling. I can read the question on his lips before he asks it. "Why?" Rather than answer, I just return his grin and he starts laughing again. "Jesus, Jaeseop. Is she staying over again?"
"Why do you say it like that?" Now I'm laughing too. Glancing over at him, I meet his eyes and I can tell that he's happy with my good fortune. So am I. I guess it's been a long time in coming. For once, everything seems to be going my way.
Shaking his head, Eli turns his eyes back to the road, but I can see that he's smirking. "Nothing, nothing. It's just that she's practically living with you now, isn't she? I mean, she's been over, what, ten... eleven days in a row?"
"It's not like that," I protest, but it's halfhearted, and I'm still smiling. "Not that long. Just a couple of nights. It's kind of nice having someone at the apartment, you know? Seems kind of empty otherwise. I'm still getting used to being out on my own. You're just jealous that you don't have someone to go home to."
"Sure I do."
"Who?"
Eli sits back seriously. "The dog."
"Well, a little hairy, but if that's your thing..."
I'm laughing again even before I feel him hit my shoulder. He settles back in his seat, adjusting his seat belt as he gets comfortable once more. He lets out a contented sigh. After a moment, he says, "But, seriously, you're in pretty deep with her, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess I am." That feeling of good fortune makes my chest squeeze a little at the thought. I haven't really thought about it, honestly, but it's a good thing. Another step in the right direction.
"Good." A little of the smile is gone from Eli's voice, replaced by honesty. "It's been a long time since I've seen you happy like this. I'm glad for you."
That's the first time he's said it. We haven't really talked about anything that's happened. Maybe not talking about it has helped, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting back to normal. Maybe not perfect, but a hell of a lot closer than I've felt in a long time. Whatever it is that I've been doing, I know that I'm back on the right track with my life. I've got Columbia coming up in the fall, a girlfriend waiting for me at home and a solid job that can carry me through to my goals. What more could I ask for?
Beside me, Eli becomes distracted from our conversation as his phone starts ringing. I'd love to comment on his ridiculous ring tone, but I miss my chance as he answers and quickly falls into a serious tone of conversation. The pause isn't a bother. It gives me time to look for a parking space. Before I can pull in, though, Eli is clicking the phone off and heaving a dramatic sigh.
"Looks like there's not going to be time for lunch," he tells me. "That was the boss."
Groaning, I can feel doom descending. I knew the words "day off" were too good to be true. "What did he want?"
The leather of the seats squeaks as Eli slides lower. "You know that meeting we've got tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah?"
"It's been moved up."
I knew it. "When is it?"
Eli glances longingly over at our favorite hangout and I know the answer before he says it. "Now."
"Ugh. Why do they do this to us?" It's a valid question, but it doesn't make the slightest difference. My stomach growls in sympathy as I pull away from the restaurant and head towards word.
I want to complain, but I have to admit that I'm actually kind of excited. All of this good luck that I've been having has definitely been working for my career, too. Our last batch of promotions has ended and we're gearing up for a new start. There has been some talk about trying out a new image for UKISS. Along with a new album and more concerts, the manager has even talked to me about putting a couple of my songs in the albums. Apparently they liked a couple of the demos that I worked up for them a couple of months ago. Nothing's set in stone, but I'm anxious to get started.
We've known there was a big meeting coming up, a game changer, but it was scheduled for tomorrow. If it's been moved up, something has changed. That, or it was just more convenient for one of the higher-ups to do it today. Eli isn't excited. For him, it's just work. For me, I'm in too good of a mood to let a little thing like a meeting throw me off.
Making our way into the familiar metal and glass of our the office building, I can't help but feel like something is off. Usually when they're holding a meeting, there's just a skeleton staff to work with us. Our manager, maybe a couple of others to think about the business end of things. There might be a secretary to take notes. It all depends on the day, but there's never more than ten or twelve people other than us and whatever office staff happens to be milling about. I know that we were due for a major meeting, but even that can't explain how many people are flooding the halls. More than twice the usual amount, and I don't recognize most of them. That doesn't happen very often unless they go on a hiring spree.
"Did you hear about anything going on today?" I ask Eli quietly as we head for the elevator. "Something's strange."
We're joined in the car by two women carrying papers. Eli looks at them, then back to me. Offering a shrug, he turns back to eye the girls again. "You've got me," he says, shrugging.
The third floor has even more people, but they're staff that I'm familiar with. That puts me at ease as I make my way down the hall, right up until I almost plow into Eli. He has frozen completely in the doorway to the boardroom. He blocks most of the door and I can't get through.
"What's the deal?" I ask, putting my hand on his shoulder to maneuver him into the room. Eli doesn't respond, and he doesn't need to. Peering over his shoulder, I get a look at who all is in the room. Most of the others are already here. Soohyun and Kiseop are seated at the table. The manager is there, too. Hoon is getting some water from a cooler in the corner, and there's some woman at the table writing something in a notebook. I notice all of that, but none of it matters, not even in the slightest, as I finally realize what's going on. Sitting at the table, sandwiched between Soohyun and the manager, is the last person on Earth I ever expected to see. It's Kevin.
The entire world comes to a screeching halt as I blink, trying to clear my eyes and make certain that I'm not imagining things. No, he's really there. Kevin is sitting at the table. Thinner, paler, and blonder than the last time that I saw him, but it's definitely him, and it's like I'm seeing a ghost. This can't really be happening. I must be having a dream, or a nightmare, or something. A sense of surreality washes over me. There's a half-second where I wonder whether or not I might pass out, or if I'm hallucinating. Then, he looks up at me and my entire world tilts sideways.
For the first time in months, I feel incredibly unsettled. Off-center. I am struck by the sudden desire to turn around, walk out of the building and drive until I run out of gas. Instead, I stand there in the doorway as Eli finally moves into the room. I don't know how he can walk, because I feel frozen in place. I feel Dongho wiggle past me to get in and I know that I am the only one standing. The loud conversation falls silent and I can hear the rest of the room waiting.
"AJ, come on. Take a seat." It's Soohyun encouraging me to join the rest of the group. Somehow, I'm inside of the doorway and the rest of the staff is there. There is a space next to Kiseop open and I realize that everyone is staring at me. Slowly, dumbly, I move my feet one pace at a time and fall into the open chair. Just like that, the meeting begins as if the world hadn't stopped turning five minutes ago.
"I guess you've all noticed the surprise," Soohyun says, grinning broadly. He usually doesn't take the lead when the manager is here, but I really don't think anyone cares. Everyone else seems overjoyed.
Protocol is being entirely ignored. Kiseop is practically wiggling in his chair next to me. I can tell that he wants to ask a question, but Dongho beats him to it. "How long are you here for?"
I know what he's asking. He wants to know if Kevin is just visiting, or if he's going to work with us. If we can spend time with him. And I don't want to hear the answer. I don't want to hear it at all.
I expect Kevin to respond, and a wave or relief washes over me when he doesn't. It's the manager who takes charge, apparently ready to answer whatever questions are forthcoming. That feeling of relief is gone as soon as I hear the first words out of his mouth.
"I'm happy to say that Kevin won't be going anywhere. Not for a long while, at least," our manager announces with the air of telling us the best thing in the world. "It's taken some finagling, but Kevin has re-signed with UKISS."
"What? Really?" Hoon's excited shout is almost over-ridden by one from Eli. Suddenly, the entire room is a deafening storm of voices. Everyone but me is trying to say something, or shout their congratulations, or demand details. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up.
Slowly, the chaos dies. Eli is the first one to ask a sane question, the second surprise of the evening. "What's the plan?"
This is apparently exactly the question that the manager wanted to hear. For the first time in the evening, the conversation takes on a more business-like tone. "Kevin's return is a major focus, and will also aid us in marketing the new album and concerts to the fans. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity that we have not had before and probably won't have again. We will make the most of it. Currently, we're considering using the idea of a return or a rebirth for the new album and the next set of promotions. We're going to breathe new life into UKISS and let the fans know that you're here to stay."
There's a pause as everyone takes time to consider the possibilities. I doubt any of us are in a mindset to think about the new album, though, not with the other major change. Not with what we've just been told. He's back, and he isn't leaving.
"What sort of ideas did you have?" Hoon is apparently curious, at least.
"Well, Soohyun mentioned the possibility of a phoenix, or something of the sort, but we weren't certain if that would appeal to you," the manager replies. "Since we will be focusing strongly on all of you for this and the new image, I was hoping you might have some ideas or input. Anyone?"
"Why don't we--"
Soohyun starts talking and the conversation is lost to me. Everyone else seems to be caught up in the fervor, but all of that excitement and enthusiasm that I felt earlier in the day is gone. Gone, along with any desire to give my own input. The most that I can manage is a nod of my head and a vague agreement when I'm asked a couple of questions. Luckily, the business discussion doesn't last long. There are only a few minutes of hurried conversation before the manager tells us that this is just a reintroduction. The real business meeting is still set for early-o'clock tomorrow. Great.
That's all it takes for the last of the serious discussion to break down. Conversation ensues, but the voices around me just sound like the buzzing of bees. Everyone gets up from their seat around the table and begin crowding around the guest of honor. This sort of thing never happens in here, and some of the other staff members look uncomfortable. They aren't the only ones. I don't like standing here and watching as the others hang off of him, exchanging their welcoming greetings and hugs. I can't remember the last time that I saw everyone else so animated and overjoyed with something, but the warmth of the room doesn't even touch me. Despite the fact that I should be involving myself or mingling with the others or something, I can't. I just feel sick to my stomach, like I might throw up.
"Jaeseop, come over here!" Kiseop calls to me. He's usually quiet, so the peppy invitation is a surprise. I look up and instantly look away. He has an arm wrapped around Kevin. I can't see Kevin, not really. Soohyun is in the way, and for that I'm glad. I can't go over to where he and Kiseop are standing. I can't see him. Not right now.
Shaking my head, I get to my feet and make my way over to the door. I know that I can't avoid Kevin, not forever. It's been too long since I've seen him and he is making his rounds through the room. I want to leave, but I know that I can't. This isn't one of those times when I can do whatever I want. Right now, I have to stand here and feel the seconds as they tick down. My gaze is fixed on a plastic plant in the corner, studying the too-shiny leaves when I finally hear him in front of me.
"Hello."
Every once of willpower in my body is needed to turn and look at him. I'm not sure why. This shouldn't be that hard, even if the shock is still wearing off. After all, this is just Kevin.
In my mind's eye, he is glaring at me. His face is set in a fierce frown unlike anything I've seen him wear in real life. When I actually get a look at him, however, I can see that my imagination is wrong. He's looking at me, yes, but he isn't glaring at me or even frowning. He just looks serious and maybe a little uneasy, like maybe he's just as uncomfortable as I am right now.
"Hi." I can't look at him for long. I quickly turn my face away. This really shouldn't be as difficult as it seems and I know it, but rational thought doesn't seem to be changing my reactions. I can't put any warmth in my words. "Welcome back."
I can hear him shifting in front of me. I don't know why I can hear those little details; the room is very loud around us. "It's good to see you," he says. He sounds like he means it. That's more than I can say. "You look like you're doing well."
How am I supposed to respond? I have no idea. I don't want to say anything. I don't even want to be here. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." He pauses, clearly looking for something else to say. "Soohyun says you finally got your own apartment. Do you like it?"
This conversation is plastic. Part of my mind has managed to calm down, enough so that I realize that the least I can do is make polite conversation. It's been six months since I've seen him. The past is the past. History doesn't matter. I'll just keep telling myself that.
"Yeah," I reply. I try to look at him, but now he's the one looking away. This is beyond awkward. He takes a breath, and starts to ask a question. "I was going to ask, d--"
"I need to go."
Somehow, I've reached my limit. I just can't do this right now. Turning on my heel, I walk through the door that I've been leaning against. I don't bother to look and see what reaction my sudden departure brings. I just let my feet find their own path through the hall. Around two corners, through a corridor filled with filing cabinets and into the back corner door that leads into the men's room.
Alone. I can finally breathe. I didn't realize that I was holding my breath, but it all comes out in a rush as I lean back against a wall. Blood is pounding through my veins, stirring up an instant headache unlike anything I've felt before. It's all I can do to try and focus my breathing. I need to calm down. That's a ridiculous thought, because I'm not upset. I'm not disturbed, or angry or anything. I just feel... completely shaken.
There is no one else in the room with me, but the seconds pulse by with the irrational fear that someone might follow me. Kevin, maybe. Or Eli, even. Any of them. When no one comes through the door, I can feel myself slowly settling into my thoughts as I try to sort them out. There's confusion there, and it's covering a whole hell of a lot of something that I can't even touch right now.
Why is he even here?
The last that I saw or heard of Kevin Woo, he was walking out of a hotel room six months ago. I haven't asked about him. No one has said anything. I did well in coming home. I did exactly what I told Eli that I would; I picked up my life and moved on with it, safe in the knowledge that the person I wasted two years of my life chasing was on the other side of the world. He was out of sight and out of mind.
And yet, there he is. Standing in that conference room, talking with everybody like that's where he's always been. That's all it has taken for me to feel like I'm right on the edge of falling apart all over again. I don't understand why. Maybe I'm just surprised, or in shock or something. Seeing him here today was the last thing I ever expected. All I can think about is the fact that it shouldn't have been a surprise. Someone had to have known. Soohyun, probably. Maybe Eli, too. And yet nobody had the decency to at least give me some warning or a heads up.
The more I think about that fact, the less that it seems to matter. None of it matters. I have no idea what to do with myself or the jumbled mess of thoughts running through my mind. It's hard to pick out individual emotions when you're feeling them all at once. I wish I could just go back to earlier today, when Eli and I were looking forward to lunch. That was happy. This... this is just a mess.
I guess realizing that I can't sort myself out is still a form of sorting myself out. Eyes closed, breathing a little easier, I can at least get some perspective. Perspective enough to think back to my brief conversation with Kevin, if you could even call it that. He looks so different that it's no wonder that I thought I was imagining things. It's been a long time since I've seen him with blond hair, and a long time since I've seen him looking that thin. I wonder if he's been eating okay, because he doesn't look great. Good, but not great.
The amount of concern that I feel for him hurts as much as it surprises me. I register that feeling for half a second before it vanishes into the cloud of confusion that overtook me before. Even that mess is covered up by anger and frustration. Even though nothing in my personal life has really changed, it somehow feels like all the progress that I have made has vanished in an instant with his arrival.
"Fuck. Shit. Goddammit." Tossing my head back, I let out another wave of curses as I feel my skull hit the tiled wall behind me. Confusion or not, there's no denying why all of this bothers me. I want to say that I'm indifferent. I want to tell myself that I could brush all of this off, walk back into that boardroom and act like the rest of my friends as they celebrate the reunion. I can't. No matter how much I want to say that, it would be a lie.
Bzzzzt.
My phone buzzes loudly in my pocket, interrupting my stream of uninterrupted thoughts. It's probably one of the guys trying to figure out where I am. I don't want to check it, but I know that I probably should.
Finally opening my eyes, I slide the phone out of my pocket and tap my screen. One new text, but it's not from any of the guys. It's from my girlfriend. That's enough to make me smile; a good momentary distraction. Opening the text reveals a simple question: what time will I be home? I wish I could answer her, but I don't know. I don't know anything except the fact that I can't stay in here forever.
Taking a breath, I try to collect my thoughts. I feel slightly ridiculous now for walking out of that meeting, but I can't change it. And even if I do feel silly for how I acted, I don't know if I can go back in there. At the very least, I can cool down a little. Pulling away from the wall, I head over to one of the sinks and turn on the faucet. Splashing some of the water over my face, I run a hand over the back of my neck as I try to relax a little. When I look up, however, it's not just my face looking back at me in the mirror.
Soohyun steps into the room and lets the door fall shut behind him. I guess he did come to find me after all. He walks over and leans against the wall, apparently waiting for me to say something. When I don't say anything, he says, "I was wondering where you went."
"I just needed a minute," I tell him. I'm not sure whether or not the words are even clear or loud enough for him to hear.
"I can see that." He shifts, but he makes no move to get any closer to me. Maybe he can see that I need my space. "Are you okay?"
What a question to ask. He already knows the answer, and I'm sure of it. What little calm I had managed to gather seems to fly out a window as I pull away from the sink. "No, I'm not okay." Turning around to look at him, I ask some of what has been running through my mind. "Why the hell didn't you give me a heads up or something, Soohyun? You knew."
He doesn't deny that accusation. He doesn't even look ruffled, but he does look like he's thinking about how to respond. Soohyun is one of the people who helped me to get back on my feet. I appreciate all of his support, but this feels like a betrayal of trust.
"I kind of figured that you'd react this way if I did tell you," he replies. "It's not like I knew for sure anyway. There was no point in getting you worked up about something that probably wasn't going to happen."
Something about the way he says it bothers me almost as much as the fact that he didn't say anything in the first place. "How long did you know?"
"For sure? About a week. None of the others knew at all, not that I'm aware of." He shifts again, moving his weight to the other foot.
"And how long did you know before it was certain?" What he's saying should be putting me at ease, but it's doing just the opposite. Even though he hasn't said it, I know there's a chance that he wasn't allowed to say anything. Right now, I really couldn't care less. I'm usually the quiet one, but right now I don't really feel like keeping my thoughts to myself.
When I look up, Soohyun meets my eyes and steps away from the wall. "Three months or so."
Three months. That's half the time I've been back. Half the damn time.
"You knew. You knew, and you didn't even say anything." I'm shaking my hands at him and I'm probably shouting. Soohyun doesn't look impressed. He doesn't even look upset. He just lets me yell at him with a serious look on his face like he was expecting it. "You didn't even give me a warning or anything, and you knew that--"
"It doesn't matter."
Those two words cut me off. The way he says them is so firm that it stops my tirade where it started. "Excuse me?"
"Look, I'm not stupid," he tells me, stepping forward again. "I know about the crap that happened with Kevin. I know how you feel -- felt - about him. And trust me, I remember that trip you took to California to fi--"
"Never mention that again."
Soohyun falls silent, but he doesn't look away from me. "Alright. But listen to what I'm telling you, Jaeseop. It doesn't matter. This isn't about you, and this isn't about your personal issues with him. This is business."
"Business," I repeat bitterly. That's a load of bullshit. UKISS is business, sure. This is our job, this is work. I know that, but I'm also aware that it's become much more than that to all of us. Soohyun saying otherwise is hypocritical at best. He's in just as deep, if not more so, as all of us.
"Business," he tells me again. "We're practically family, Jaeseop. We care about each other, and we all know it, but when shit happens, we can't throw a fit and stop doing our job. Deal with it."
I feel the immature urge to punch something. "With all due respect, Soohyun, go fuck yourself."
I move to walk past him, but Soohyun puts out his arm and stops me in my path. Any of the warmth in his expression from when he walked in is gone. Right now, he is every inch the leader that I know he can be. I also know that I don't want to be on the wrong side of his temper, especially when my own is in overdrive.
"Grow up," Soohyun says flatly. "You've been doing this for too damn long, AJ. Enough is enough. You aren't the only person who has to work with someone they were involved with. You're being childish and selfish. This isn't who you are. You're better than this."
"We weren't involved." I practically spit the words, and they taste like a lie. Ignoring that, I turn away from him once more. "And I haven't been doing this for 'too long.' He just got ba--"
"Too damn long," Soohyun repeats, and his tone is final. I glance at him once more. He has a look on his face as stern as I've ever seen it, and I know what he means. He isn't talking about today, or my walking out of that meeting. He's talking about all of it, since the very beginning. Since I realized how I felt about Kevin those couple of years ago.
Even though Soohyun has only said a few words, Soohyun has somehow managed to sum up all of my teasing, my flirtations, my frustration. Everything that I have ever felt or done that Kevin has been the source of, summed up in three words: too damn long. He's right and I know it. I knew the moment that I got on that plane in San Francisco. I know it now, too. And I have to wonder what good all that knowing does, because it hasn't changed that ache I can feel in my chest, the one that I want to pretend doesn't exist.
The look on his face softens. Reaching out, he places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry," he says. "I know this is tough on you, but don't make it harder on yourself than it really is. He isn't here to cause trouble."
"Why is he here?" I'm not sure whether or not I really want an answer, but I can't stop myself from asking.
"Maybe you should ask him."
Soohyun's suggestion causes me to pull back. The last thing I need right now is to see Kevin. Even if my thoughts are slowly calming, I am too shaken up to be of any use to anyone. I need time to sort myself out before anything else.
Shaking my hand, I pull away from Soohyun's hand. "No. I can't see him right now."
"He's worried about you, you know." Why is Soohyun telling me this? He steps away, clearing the path to the door as he keeps talking. "You don't have to be his best friend, AJ. But you don't have to make an enemy of him, either. We all work together. If that's all you can manage, that's enough, but don't imagine a problem where there isn't one. Can you do that?"
The words fall away, but the question is still hovering in the air. I turn to look at Soohyun as I try to find the answer to that question. Can I work with Kevin? I know what I should say. I should tell Soohyun that I am a professional. Who I work with doesn't matter, a job is a job. I'm not sure that would be the truth. I'm not sure that I can work beside Kevin and ignore our history. I don't know if I can try to pretend that what happened doesn't bother me. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.
Slowly, I nod. All I can do is try.
Soohyun reaches out and gives my arm another squeeze, warm and supportive. He is out of words and I am out of anger. We are at an impasse, and I don't have enough strength in me to try and find a solution to this problem that he says is not a problem.
"We're all going to go grab an early dinner or something, I think," he tells me. He pulls back and offers me a smile. This is my friend now, no longer just the leader trying to keep his band of misfits together. "Sort of a celebration. It's been a long time since we all went out to eat together. Manager's treat. Ready to go?"
His words remind me that Eli and I were going to get lunch a couple of hours ago. That seems like another lifetime to me now. I'm still hungry. Starving, even, but I can't go with them. I just can't.
"I think I'll pass," I tell him. Running a hand through my hair, I turn away. "I think I'm going to head home early, unless you need me here for something."
"Just make sure that you make it to the meeting tomorrow," Soohyun replies as I walk towards the restroom door. "Jaeseop..."
"Yeah?" I pause a little, turning to look at him. It looks like there's a lot more that he'd like to say, but I don't think even he knows what it is.
Finally, he asks a question. "What are you going to do?"
That question is a lot more complicated than it sounds. However, as Soohyun has already told me, this is business. Just business. If I can get into that mindset, if I can somehow manage to separate my emotions from the situation, I will get by. It's a simple enough thing to consider, but thoughts never seem to equal reality.
Considering my options, there is only once answer that I can give. In the end, Kevin coming back changes nothing. We are still UKISS. I am still Jaeseop.
"Nothing. After all, like you said, this is just business."
Just business. I tell myself those two words over and over again as I let the door slide closed behind me.